[DoroMona]

About five or six weeks ago, I had a serious conflict with a colleague. Until then, he and I were very close, having worked together for 10+ years. I've been furious and giving him the cold shoulder.

His wife has now for the second time invited me and my SO for dinner. I really don't want to go. The fight has nothing to do with the wife, so I'm not sure even how to behave. Do I pretend everything is fine for the sake of her feelings and smile and make jokes and do my usual "pleasant" routine? I can't stand it. And I refuse to give my colleague peace of mind, that everything is OK. Also, it annoys me that he's somehow trying to smooth things over through his wife...although who knows, it could be that she just heard we're fighting and has taken it upon herself to fix things.

At the same time, to be totally honest, I don't think I want to trash the relationship for good. I'm not ready to truly lose this friendship. I just want a break. Right now, I'm personally fine with dealing with him when necessary and otherwise having no contact. But what if this is the the final attempt to make peace? I have a lot of trouble making up with people once we've fought. That's why I never fight with people, almost no matter what. So even though I really, really don't want to accept this invitation, I have a lot of anxiety that this might be my "last chance".

How do I turn down this invitation without sending the signal that I want to 100% burn the bridge? I just want him to leave me the hell alone for a while...

Have you ever spent any time with your colleague outside of work before? With me personally, I haven't spent any time with anyone from work outside of the workplace. Except a couple of times and I didn't enjoy being at their homes. They seemed to act different at home than at work; seemingly nicer at work than at home. If you have a personal policy that you don't spend time with anyone from work outside of the place, you can say that about the dinner invitation.

I'm sorry to hear about conflict with your colleague after having a pretty good amount of time of a good relationship. I can't count how many times that's happened to me. A real nice relationship with a co-worker and then a blow-up. There were times when we'd make up somehow strangely. Me and the other person never apologized to each other.

I may be wrong but it sounds like he might be trying to make up with you. I think it would be better for him to try to make up with you instead of going through his wife. If there's a chance to make up I would try to take up on it. That's just me. I know it's hard to try to make up after a conflict. Maybe something will happen to bring you two together. You said you didn't want to "trash" the relationship. Best to you!

[DoroMona]

Originally Posted by will19

Have you ever spent any time with your colleague outside of work before?

All the time, and vice-versa, I've hosted him and his wife many times. We've been good friends in our personal lives for many years. But I'd say it's in part because we're so close that I'm having an even harder time accepting his recent behavior at work. And I just don't feel like socializing with them right now...

[DoroMona]

After much thought...I'm not going. But I won't give the wife a BS excuse, like "Oh sorry I have a headache again" or "Oh sorry, I forgot I already have plans". I'll just tell her that I'm exhausted and stressed from work and not up to a hangout, and that perhaps sometime in the future when work has calmed down, we should get together.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by will19

Have you ever spent any time with your colleague outside of work before? With me personally, I haven't spent any time with anyone from work outside of the workplace. Except a couple of times and I didn't enjoy being at their homes. They seemed to act different at home than at work; seemingly nicer at work than at home. If you have a personal policy that you don't spend time with anyone from work outside of the place, you can say that about the dinner invitation.

I'm sorry to hear about conflict with your colleague after having a pretty good amount of time of a good relationship. I can't count how many times that's happened to me. A real nice relationship with a co-worker and then a blow-up. There were times when we'd make up somehow strangely. Me and the other person never apologized to each other.

I may be wrong but it sounds like he might be trying to make up with you. I think it would be better for him to try to make up with you instead of going through his wife. If there's a chance to make up I would try to take up on it. That's just me. I know it's hard to try to make up after a conflict. Maybe something will happen to bring you two together. You said you didn't want to "trash" the relationship. Best to you!

I agree that it's best to not hang out with coworkers outside of work, although it is common for coworkers to act different outside of work compared to being at work. No one is their true selves at work so I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt in that aspect since you're practically expected to behave in a certain manner at work, I know it sounds fishy but that's how it is but I can understand why being around coworkers outside of work is weird since it crosses boundaries.