The Long Weekend Has Been Ruined

My husband is in a mood, it's ruined the entire long weekend and I don't know what's wrong.

I mean, I know of one issue that is plaguing him - his sick mother. But he has lain awake for weeks now, he is up late which is atypical, and yesterday he was in such a bad mood that we exchanged some words and had some tension. His back is also hurting him and he hasn't been feeling physically well for the last day. But often times when he doesn't feel physically well, it's an emotional issue which literally makes him physically sick.

Each time we've fought - which has been 3-4 times in the last year plus - he's asked me if I want to be with him. He often projects his feelings, so I am now wondering if HE wants to be with ME, and I wonder if that is also what is plaguing him. I know he wouldn't leave me right now, when we are about to have a memorial service for my father later this month - but I wonder if this is what is wrong, at the heart of it all.

After some tension between us, I asked him yesterday if he still wants to be with me and he said yes, of course. But we haven't been intimate all weekend when we were supposed to, and intimacy has been waning over the last many months.

Granted, we've had a LOT going on that has been difficult - including losing my father in June and both of us getting sick with covid in July. Plus, work stress on both our parts. It was unclear whether I may lose my job at different points this summer. And now, his mother's declining health and increasing dementia. She recently was brought to a rehab facility in California by her other son, and now she is refusing to eat. My husband's brother is asking for him to fly out to California to help.

I wish he would just talk to me but he won't. He continues to be in a mood today. I asked him if he feels any better than yesterday, and he said "a little".

I don't know what to do at this point?

There’s nothing you can do but live your life. Him being in a bad mood doesn’t mean it needs to ruin your weekend.

Go see your mother or your sister or if they aren’t free go for a walk, go to a restaurant or coffee shop by yourself and read a book, go for a drive. If you aren’t up to leaving the house, do your own thing in the house.

Your life doesn’t need to depend on his moods. Being married doesn’t mean you must take on his moods or get your weekends ruined because he’s in a bad mood or be attached to his hip. Sure it’s nice to have time together on holidays but life won’t end if you do your own thing while he’s being grumpy. It’s not your job to fix his moods

I don’t know why he’s asking if you want to be with him. I’d ask why he is bringing it up.

Thanks divine. I had actually visited my mother yesterday for 3 hours on my own so he could be alone and I had planned on going out last night by myself to have some fun. When 9 pm rolled around, I determined that I no longer wanted to go so I stayed home.

Today we had plans to do some shopping together. All has gone out the window. A friend invited me over but it’s a 45 minute drive and it’s pouring rain. Not ideal and I don’t feel like making a 90 minute round trip in bad weather.

This whole weekend was a wash - and I had been looking forward to a nice long wkend.

I guess I have been very lucky with my parents. I mean, my dad did have an illness from which he died, but his suffering was very short-lived. He was diagnosed in Oct of last year and died just 8 months later in June. His suffering was fairly minimalized and my mother did not have to deal with a sick husband for very long. My mother is in excellent health for an 80 year-old.

My husband's parents, however, are the opposite. He has had two elderly parents in very poor health. His father died over a year ago yet suffered from poor health for many years and his mother is now on her way out. Her health has also been terrible for many years.

I have to appreciate the stress this does bring on for my husband. Though that is no excuse for some things that happen between us like a fight as a result of him being stressed about his mother.

She called late last night while we were trying to sleep saying non-sensical things, like the staff at her rehab facility are stealing her money and she thought her husband was there with her. She is all out of sorts with increased dementia like symptoms. They are trying to figure out what's going on with her.

I don't know how I feel right now towards my husband. After I posted my initial post on this thread, we had a fight - this was on Monday morning, Divorce came up, and we each thought that the other wants a divorce. I came very close to calling it quits. In the heat of the moment, he insinuated that I am crazy and psychotic, which was beyond insulting. I told him that every time he is overly stressed about something, we fight, and I said that I am not the one creating or escalating things into a fight - he is. I told him he has got to work on himself in therapy, and to bring this issue to the therapist to work on. The fight started because he barked at me over changing the temperature of the air conditioner.

He had his individual therapy last night and I didn't feel like pushing his buttons by asking how it went or what they discussed. He is very edgy right now about his sick mother. Anything else I say that is a hot button will push him over the edge.

I am back in a place where I am questioning my marriage all over again. I can't keep going through this with him. Things are great as long as there is little stress. But when the stress piles on, things become bad. We also are not intimate when life is too stressful. I am missing having sex. Ours has been very sporadic over the last several months.

And because of his sick elderly parents, there has been a ton of stress around this for years now. I am sick of going through stressful times.

He hugged and kissed me goodbye this morning, and I barely felt anything towards him. I wonder if my love for him is waning. I really don't know how I feel, but I am not happy right now.

I think honestly that the next fight he creates with me, I am calling it quits.

Life is full of stress. I think it’s a huge requirement of a good marriage to be able to withstand stressful times. It’s easy to be happy when things are good. You both have to be able to handle stress. Bringing up divorce is a no no.

We periodically go over the list of traumatic things (illnesses/death/surgeries/ etc) happened since we’ve met. It’s like unreal. I wonder if it’s just as people get older bad scary things happen more often or it’s just luck. But lots of it is age. Like elderly parents etc At least you don’t deal with adult kids. They could be source of stress. One of my stepkids is for sure.

Well I barked at my husband this morning. I have covid and my husband get left for work and left his oxygen meter for me to use and wouldn’t properly explain what to do with it and what it even means. I hate it. Don’t act like I am supposed to know what the freaking thing is! He always acts like I am supposed to know! I am not a medical professional. He is!

Is your couples therapist helpful?

The couples therapist is somewhat helpful and then not at all.

I’m honestly thinking if there’s one more fight and insults are thrown - I’m going to divorce him. He threw insults in our recent fight - unacceptable and I’m done.

I am sorry. He shouldn’t be insulting or bringing up divorce. He knows better

He SHOULD know far better at this point. And thanks… hugs.

I'm sorry to read that his anguish and pain are causing extra pain and upset for you, Have Hope. He has to be made to realize, his reactions are really quite infantile, and unfair to you.

Insults and slinging rude labels at a person are both deal breakers for me. It's understandable, being stressed by a parent's tragic decline; but there are lines that should not be crossed, ever.

It is absolutely NOT okay to: 1.) Make it another person's problem., or 2.) Drag another person down to where you feel you are at in your suffering, ie. Ruining their day because you feel yours is shot. Lastly, there is the ultimate unfair fighting tactic: 3.) Projecting your anger/ frustration/ mild and temporary sense of derangement onto another person, and accusing them of the horrible things that you are doing/ feeling, including throwing insults. This is absolutely, unconditionally NOT okay!

These are base and low ways of deflecting pain, and they are never acceptable for an adult human being. Some people race to them first because they seem to be right at hand when we are in pain. But upon reflection, one would hope the offender would revisit how badly they've been managing their thoughts and words, and make an appropriate effort to modify those behaviours.

Talking about what you're feeling in an adult fashion, really hearing the other person, apologizing as quickly as possible when you've clearly mis-managed an emotional exchange---These are the correct ways to behave towards a loved one or friend, especially when they are there for us, and trying to help us.

Perhaps a trial separation is the best way to proceed, if he continues on this destructive path. That gives you time to investigate seek legal protections for yourself.

Myself, knowing what I know now, I would also probably look into emergency women's shelters, or confide in a trusted relative and get some promise of protection, that way.

(((Massssive hugggs))) for you...

Thanks so much.

I agree with your perspective 100% and it's not ok - insults and outright hurtful statements are never ok in a loving partnership.

We've already had a separation once for 6 months - tonight, I put my foot down and said these things CANNOT happen. I told him these fights cannot happen either.

I'm afraid that this may end in divorce. One more fight like that and I am out.

((((hugggggg)))) I sincerely hope he reflects on how his behaviour has let you down.

None of us is perfect, and I've lost my temper more than once, out of frustration. I get that he's in pain.

But it is definitely not okay to use it routinely as a way to alleviate emotional turmoil. It will not work for long, and will eventually destroy all trust.

Wanting better for you!....

Thank you and agreed!

Also, I love how he can switch from insulting behavior back to loving behavior. Yesterday he posted a Facebook memory of our engagement four years ago, writing happy engagement anniversary. Then he's all hugs and kisses and affection.... this is after calling me crazy and psychotic on Monday. I cannot switch my emotions on and off so quickly.

What's running in my mind now is how we would split up all the belongings.

I wonder how much of his behavior is connected with the imminent anniversary of 9/11.

Probably a lot - that's very insightful of you. He's also tense because his mother's health is going downhill and she has lost the will to live.

My cousin just posted a comment on my recent Facebook profile pic, saying "just love seeing your happiness!"

It just goes to show - she has no idea what's going on behind the scenes and behind those happier pics on FB - the reality is I am on the verge of considering a divorce again, and those happier moments are fleeting these days.

For anyone who gets depressed about seeing happier looking people on Facebook, it's not always the case.

Have hope......sounds like you don't have much of it in your marriage right now. It
amazes me how quickly we are ready to head out the door I'll just say this. What
if you took all the emotion out of what's been going on over the past however long.
What you have left is just the logic , reality , and facts. If you just analyze all of this
can you now better understand why what has been said has been said ?? Do you think
he/ she really means what is being said in the heat of the moment ? Think about it.......

Dearest @moodyblue83, you may not have the backstory of my marriage at hand when you're thinking of what to say in response.

My husband was severely emotionally and verbally abusive towards me in the first 2.5 years of marriage. Then he was unfaithful. I kicked him out and we separated for 6 months. We ALMOST divorced - the paperwork was being drawn up. Then, he promised me he would attend individual therapy and couples therapy and acknowledged his anger issues. He also promised me he would never hurt me ever again. We got back together over a year ago, and he moved back in.

And now, present day, I still see several abusive behaviors present - mainly when we disagree and begin to argue,. He deflects responsibility, he projects all his issues onto me, he gaslights me and he demeans and insults me.

I am not quick to rush out the door - in fact, I have given him MANY chances - and probably FAR TOO MANY CHANCES to make things right with me at this point.

I am at the end of my rope right now - and yes, one more big fight and one more insult, and I am DONE. There comes a point where you have to draw the line and say ENOUGH is ENOUGH, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS NOR DO I WANT THIS.

And sure, he may not truly mean the cruel things he says in the heat of the moment - but when you throw enough crap at the barn door, it sticks.

After each fight, it takes me at least a week or more to recover from his hurtful and insulting comments. I am NOT OK WITH THIS NOR SHOULD I BE.