Low self esteem, guilt, hurt and bad relationships

When I take self esteem tests I score zero. I have let myself be used by men. I know I do it because I have nothing else so I will take what I can get no matter what it is.

I got involved with a married man 5 years ago for a 6 month affair. I fell in love with him something awful. It hurt when he stopped talking to me. A year went by and we reconnected but I could tell by how he acted I was not the only woman. I got mad, flipped out and we stopped talking. We then reconnected again at one point. He invited me to join a group on kik. It got to the point where he would only talk to me when I would act interested in a threesome with him! I was willing to almost do it just to get a chance to see him! I eventually got mad about all that and hurt as usual and left kik.

I recently went back on kik and joined a group that he is in. I didn't tell him who I was on kik (I had a new profile that we had not talked on yet). After showing the group a picture of my body he immediately was in my PM hitting on me. After finding out it was me, he stopped talking to me. The next day a woman he is friends with on kik joined the same group. I did not know who she was or what was going on but I could tell there was something romantic going on with them. He started messaging me privately telling me that him and her are just friends, he's only met her twice and she knows all about me! I could tell he was lying as always. So I sent the woman screen shots of what he said to me ( he called me sweetie, told me he always thinks about me, said he wouldn't worry about the new woman who just joined the group because he's only met her twice!) I also told him I would keep my mouth shut in the kik group (meaning I would not say I used to be involved with him and I would watch the two of them be all romantic together!)

The woman was gone from kik the day after reading his screenshots of what he had said to me. I blocked both of them, then unblocked to see what they were saying. She questioned me wondering if me and him were still talking. I told her no, we're not talking, no, I'm not seeing him. I then told her bad stuff about him, how he is a player and a that most likely he is having sex with others. She then said she cares about him and she thought he cared about her. I said he said the same to me once. I guess she believed me over him! A few days later, he sent me a message saying "I am sorry that I hurt you. You won! She is no longer in my life and I am deleting myself off kik permanently! Bye!)

So now I have no way to see him on kik, what he is doing and in a way it is good for me! I am glad to be away from him. I feel guilt and hurt though. this guy has been in my brain for 5 years! I am now known as the crazy woman! I ruined something in his life and I kept joining kik over and over getting mad. I got mad because I was always hurt, always wanted him and wanted him to want me. Seeing him act like this over a new woman made me jealous, so that's why I sent her screen shots. I am sure he has her phone number and they are texting instead of using kik. He probably even made a new kik. Who knows?

Am I bad for sending her screenshots of what he said to me?? I know what he told her was opposite of what he was telling me ( he told her I was a crazy woman ) I feel bad because I once loved him, still have feelings for him and don't want to be put in the crazy woman category. He will never talk to me again after this which is good for me but still hurts me. I also felt tremendous guilt for being a part of thisl
She messaged me the other day and said "He didn't delete his kik, did he?" I never answered her. Should I? He did delete his kik and we can both see that. She is questioning me because she thinks I am secretly talking to him!
Should I say anything else to her? Should I just let this all go? Five years of this! Five! He was great to me when we were together the first time and is a great guy. But he cheats. I know there are multiple women. I thought I was going to have to do a balloon release to let this all go. I know I do this because I am lonely and have nothing else in my life.
Any advice?
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Hi @Shakeitforme

If you really want to have better self-esteem and feel better, then you have to change your ways. You know that.

What you need to ask yourself is why you're attracted to so much drama? What benefits are you getting from it? Is it because you're so empty inside that you're using the 'noise' of drama to fill your inner void?

Yes I am very empty inside. I have no real support system. I have nothing and no one. I have always felt unworthy and that others are normal and I am not. I’ve had very bad anxiety disorders and anger problems.

You are not alone, in feeling this way.

I learned from a psychologist who helped me get out of an abusive relationship that I used drama to fill up the emptiness inside myself. I, too, feel like unworthy and not normal.

But, we can start building from where we're at. One step at a time.

Have you heard of coda.org ? Please check it out. They have online meetings and some in-person meetings as well. Some of the meetings are for 'women only' which is what I'd suggest. It's to help people dealing with issues like us. It's Codependents Anonymous to find ways to fill the void in new and healthy way.

The advice is to stay away from married men. He is married, yet you consider yourself as his one and only while he also plays with other women and has a wife? If you are the same member as another who wrote about the same exact issue, you have got to get yourself a life and stay away from this man for good. This has gone on and on.

Didn't you post about this before??

And sorry but a "great guy" does not cheat. You are inviting trouble and inviting men to treat you like a sexual object.

Treat your depression. Get therapy. Stop dealing with married men.

I never knew I was codependent. After reading about it I fit many of the qualities. I always thought codependant were people in relationships. I am never in real relationships so I did not think it applied to me. Thank you!

You're so welcome...