Marriage Problems

Have Hope · Sep 15, 2022 at 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

What is he fighting about? Like is it always same topic or just random? Just always in a bad mood and pick random fights? I was thinking if it’s always same thing then the topic could be avoided?

It’s at first over little things that turn into mountains and then talk of breaking up. It’s never over the real issues. The real issues are never resolved because he fights and argues rather than discusses and resolves. And he always has to be right. I’m always wrong.

I am of 100% conviction that leaving is my only and best decision. I can’t work with someone so unreasonable, so short fused and hot headed who only wants to fight and tear me down while arguing. I’m done. It’s abuse and it stops now.

Have Hope · Sep 15, 2022 at 06:48 PM

Our last fight and this morning’s fight - and all the fights within the last year since April - 5 or 6 of them. Something has crossed over in me. I crossed the threshold and there is no going back. He’s crossed the lines of respect far too many times - too many for me to count. I’ve given him chance after chance to make things right, to grow and learn but he hasn’t changed. It’s still abuse and he’s still very abusive. I have no choice but to walk away. I will not tolerate it any further. Therapy is a joke - he only said he’d go so I would come back. He has zero interest in learning or growing into a better man, yet I do for myself. He cannot be the partner I want and need and enough is enough.

Have Hope · Sep 15, 2022 at 07:45 PM

Also, today a suspect package arrived in the mail for my husband from a woman in South Carolina. I looked her up and they’re friends on Facebook. I asked him who she is and what is she sending him. He claimed to not know and claimed they hadn’t spoken in several years. He also said she’s the ex of his good buddy. He told me to open it. I did. It was a t-shirt commemorating his brother who died in 9/11, with a note signed with a heart saying she thought he may need some “extra love this week” due to 9/11. I asked him how she has his current address and why is she sending him a care package after several years of no contact? He messaged her saying he hadn’t heard from her in a long time, told her it was a very nice gesture, thanked her and asked how she got the address. She said she asked mutual friends and that she wanted it to be a surprise. He showed me their messages.

Now am I crazy to still think it’s suspect????

divine1966 · Sep 15, 2022 at 09:10 PM

It’s easy to find addresses online. Quick search.

I find it beyond weird though. Is he not telling people he is married? Or after he told them he was divorcing do they not know you back together?

Hhmm t-shirt is kind of personal. I don’t send gifts to married men

Have Hope · Sep 16, 2022 at 06:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s easy to find addresses online. Quick search.

I find it beyond weird though. Is he not telling people he is married? Or after he told them he was divorcing do they not know you back together?

Hhmm t-shirt is kind of personal. I don’t send gifts to married men

His message to her stated that they hadn’t spoken in a long time. He told me it had been several years. But she sees his posts on Facebook and must know we’re together. He posts about me often with photos of us.

It’s weird to me too.

Have Hope · 06:39 AM

So, I did accuse him of lying to me yesterday about this woman, before he showed me their messages. I apologized to him for jumping the gun and for thinking the worst. Now this morning he wouldn’t even say hi to me and barely kissed me goodbye. Now he’s upset with me and is annoyed that I accused him.

More issues.

I asked him just now, and he says he's "not feeling well". As usual. He's not feeling well. That's the story of my marriage. He rarely feels well and most especially when there's been an issue between us.

Have Hope · Sep 16, 2022 at 06:46 AM

Importantly, HOW do I tell him that it's over? I don't know what to say to him or when.

It has to be after the 25th of this month, a week from Sunday.

I feel like saying that my heart is no longer invested in this relationship, that it's not working out, I am not happy, and that I no longer love him. That's what I want to say, which is all 100% true.

I am pretty certain any love left for him is gone now - or at least, I do not feel it and my heart is definitely not invested anymore. The last fight we had did me in and was really the final straw for me.

Have Hope · Sep 16, 2022 at 07:02 AM

He just called to tell me how deeply hurt he is that I accused him of something he wasn't doing. So, now he's hurt and blames me, though I had sincerely apologized yesterday. I told him that he deeply hurt me with his insults and demeaning comments towards me recently (you're crazy, psychotic and something is wrong with you).

This is just getting worse and worse and worse. I want OUT right. now.

Marie123 · Sep 16, 2022 at 07:35 AM

Abusers are always hurt, because everything is about THEM. They never take responsibility for their behavior. Good for you for getting out because he won't change.He will be hurt some more (LOL)....because you are getting a divorce and (according to him) it will all your fault.

Rive. · Sep 16, 2022 at 08:27 AM

He is not taking accountability. And of course he will act like he is the 'victim' and how dare you hurt him. Of course he will deflect all the blame onto you. That is his MO: *you* are the bad guy in this dynamic, after all.

That is his script and this has been going on for years: either become the victim or sweet talk you the minute you stand up for yourself. He will always give you just enough honey to keep you hanging on (apologies, act loving, promises to change, blah de blah). Ultimately, his true colours *always* show.

Have Hope · Sep 16, 2022 at 09:36 AM

All very true. He is acting like the victim now. And yes it’s all my fault. He won’t forgive and let go. Geez. I forgave him for an infidelity. All I did was suspect something was up with this woman sending him a package. Sure I called him a liar, but what was I to think?? A random package from a woman he hadn’t spoken to in years yet she sends him a package with a love note and knows our address??? Naturally it seemed suspect and I didn’t trust him at his word.

RollercoasterLover · Sep 16, 2022 at 11:01 AM

Whatever you do, be honest and kind when you speak to him. I think you have already expressed the unhappy things that have lead to your decision, so keep it simple, straightforward and factual. A reality of life is that love isn't enough for a relationship to function.

You have both been hurt by the other. You both have the right to your feelings. If emotions run a little high and stressed in the next 2 weeks, step back, make eye contact and say I want to not argue with you. It's clear we have things to discuss. Now is not the time to discuss them.

It's OK to table an emotionally charged conversation until feelings are under control. Keep yourself safe and leave if you are in danger.

Good luck.

Have Hope · Sep 16, 2022 at 11:38 AM

I’m too angry. I’m angry over the insults and the fights he’s created with me. I’m angry that he ruined my nice long weekend recently and now seems to want to also ruin this weekend too. I’m fed up with him, and now he’s acting all hurt over an accusation, when he WAS unfaithful at one point. Now he’s the wounded one and that makes me irate.

Have Hope · Sep 16, 2022 at 12:03 PM

And now he’s telling me to go to our party alone tomorrow. I told him I’m going to my mother’s if he cannot simply forgive me and move on. He’s taking his woundedness and is running with it.

divine1966 · Sep 16, 2022 at 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

And now he’s telling me to go to our party alone tomorrow. I told him I’m going to my mother’s if he cannot simply forgive me and move on. He’s taking his woundedness and is running with it.

You said you are leaving him so why does it matter if he forgives you

Have Hope · Sep 16, 2022 at 05:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

You said you are leaving him so why does it matter if he forgives you

I do not know. I cannot make waves until after my father's service, so I have to keep the peace. I promised my mother. How else am I supposed to handle it?

divine1966 · Sep 16, 2022 at 05:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

I do not know. I cannot make waves until after my father's service, so I have to keep the peace. I promised my mother. How else am I supposed to handle it?

I’d not be going to a party if I want to end the marriage. I’d go to something crucial to keep a peace with grieving mother, that’s I understand.

I’d be absolutely livid if my husband went with me to parties while plotting exact day to leave me. I knew a guy whose ex wife went to a fancy banquet with him while having exact day of moving out planned. He had no clue. It really messed him up. He felt like an idiot.

I’d do only what’s absolutely necessary to keep peace. Party isn’t necessary

Have Hope · 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d not be going to a party if I want to end the marriage. I’d go to something crucial to keep a peace with grieving mother, that’s I understand.

I’d be absolutely livid if my husband went with me to parties while plotting exact day to leave me. I knew a guy whose ex wife went to a fancy banquet with him while having exact day of moving out planned. He had no clue. It really messed him up. He felt like an idiot.

I’d do only what’s absolutely necessary to keep peace. Party isn’t necessary

That's your opinion, and I respect it but I have to do what I feel is right for myself. If I do not go to the party with my husband, it will blow up against my mother's request. And this is a plan we've had for a couple of weeks. I am looking forward to seeing friends. I was going to go alone as of today because he was fighting with me - yet again. So, right now we're at peace and tomorrow we could be fighting again.

Have Hope · Sep 17, 2022 at 07:17 AM

He is love bombing me now. He is back to his affectionate, loving self and there's peace again between us.

I have NO idea how to go about this. Since I promised my mother, I cannot let on that I am unhappy OR about to leave him. I cannot rock the boat at all before my dad's service. A promise is a promise, although it places me in a really bad position.

I don't even know what to do. Maybe the right time will present itself - in the next argument or fight between us. Maybe I need to wait until the right time does arise.

And, I am not too concerned with how HE feels or will feel. After all, he has been abusive all over again, he has insulted and demeaned me repeatedly when fighting, I am stuck in the abuse cycle with him, and I must get away & soon. It's just so much harder when he's in the love bombing phase, & when things are calm and fine between us. It makes it THAT much harder.

divine1966 · Sep 17, 2022 at 07:59 AM

It’s hard to live with one foot out the door always debating if you are staying or going. I’d find it extremely stressful. I’d be hesitant to buy property or any other large mutual spendings if I was not sure if I am staying. I’d hate living in the limbo.

If the issue is the nasty way how he fights, I’d hope therapy would help with teaching him not to fight dirty calling people names or threaten divorce. It sounds if he stops, that it should be all good. Could couple therapist address the ugly manner in which he fights?

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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,367 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Sep 15, 2022 at 09:10 PM #24 It’s easy to find addresses online. Quick search. I find it beyond weird though. Is he not telling people he is married? Or after he told them he was divorcing do they not know you back together? Hhmm t-shirt is kind of personal. I don’t send gifts to married men
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Marie123 Veteran Member Member Since Jan 2011 Posts: 574 13 29 hugs given	Sep 16, 2022 at 07:35 AM #29 Abusers are always hurt, because everything is about THEM. They never take responsibility for their behavior. Good for you for getting out because he won't change.He will be hurt some more (LOL)....because you are getting a divorce and (according to him) it will all your fault.
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Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,082 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,626 hugs given	Sep 16, 2022 at 12:03 PM #34 And now he’s telling me to go to our party alone tomorrow. I told him I’m going to my mother’s if he cannot simply forgive me and move on. He’s taking his woundedness and is running with it. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes
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