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Default Sep 26, 2022 at 04:12 PM
  #141
Please help me to forgive myself. I allowed this abuser back into my life, when I was in a very vulnerable place in life. He was there, and I wanted to believe his words. Now I know that he is just full of crap, bs and lies. I knew this already and still went back to him. Please help me to forgive myself.

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Default Sep 26, 2022 at 04:39 PM
  #142
Look in a mirror and say I'm sorry self. Do it every day. One day the image looking back will say I forgive you.

Take care of you in the present. The future doesn't hurt. It can't, it hasn't happened yet. The past is history, all you need to do is learn from it.
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Default Sep 26, 2022 at 05:18 PM
  #143
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
Look in a mirror and say I'm sorry self. Do it every day. One day the image looking back will say I forgive you.

Take care of you in the present. The future doesn't hurt. It can't, it hasn't happened yet. The past is history, all you need to do is learn from it.
THANK YOU. I did just that - just now. And then cried.

I have sacrificed SO much of myself . I cut off important parts of myself and now I want those parts back. It's like my wings were clipped the entire time with him. I grieve THAT vs the loss of HIM. I am not losing him, I am regaining myself. That's how I view this. But I grieve for the woman inside that I have neglected, and who was neglected in this relationship. He neglected me. Now it's ME time.

And yes, I can definitely learn from this experience.

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Default Sep 26, 2022 at 07:21 PM
  #144
I just quit the therapist who never validated me. What I need is validation around the abuse and my experience of my husband, and he wasn’t giving me that. Why keep going back? It’s not helping me and in fact is harming me.

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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 05:46 AM
  #145
Wow, this truly sucks. Our lease doesn't end until JUNE. Neither one of us has a place to go to, and neither one of us has any money to move out. It will take me 3 full months to save what I need in order to move out, but even then, I would have to find a sublet to take over my portion of the lease if I move. Once again, it would be best if my husband moved out because I can afford our apartment and he can't, but the place he had before is no longer available to him.

We're stuck together for now. He is going to see his mother for 5 days on Sat, so I will get a break from him, thank goodness. A couple girlfriends have offered to let me stay with them here and there for an escape.

This is a nightmare, but there was no way I could keep going in this relationship - not one minute longer.

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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 05:52 AM
  #146
I never should have let him move back in. That was a mistake. This whole relationship was a mistake.

I am beating myself up.

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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 06:27 AM
  #147
And, I think @MuseumGhost was right. I think he's a narcissist - I looked up the difference between narc abuse and regular abuse:

Abuse alone is clean. They hate you. They stay hating you. They want to destroy you. They abuse you.

Narcissistic abuse is dirty, twisted, perverse, slimy, invasive and vile. It leaves a dirtiness in you (and later emotional issues) and makes the narcissist look odious and sickening (once you awaken to its true face).

When the narcissist is feeling rotten, moody, angry, sad, self-pitying, unhappy. They will do anything to cause you to become unhappy too. And then they sleep well at night and remember nothing about it. This is the best known part of narcissistic abuse.

But when the narcissist is feeling wonderful, they will then profanely coerce you into feeling wonderful with them. The high functioning ones will turn on their 100 W smile, deploy their charm offensive, tell you how wonderful a jewel you are, how you complete them, buy you expensive gifts, treat you to a $500 dinner.


That's my husband. And I felt this before we got back together.

WHY OH WHY did I have to get back together with him? What was wrong with me? I was in a very vulnerable place, and he crept back in.

What is the difference between narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse? I've been abused by someone with npd (my dad) and someone without (my ex) and the experiences were incredibly similar. - Quora

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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 09:40 AM
  #148
Is he on the lease?

If not, you can tell him to leave. Or you can give him a deadline, X number of days.

It will then be his responsibility to find an affordable place to live. People do that every day, he can do it too.
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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 09:42 AM
  #149
He is on the lease unfortunately.

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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 10:42 AM
  #150
That is unfortunate.
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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 11:14 AM
  #151
Check womenslaw.org. most states have laws that allow abuse victims to break a lease if they are a Co leasing a rental unit. It's worth checking into.
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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 11:27 AM
  #152
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
Check womenslaw.org. most states have laws that allow abuse victims to break a lease if they are a Co leasing a rental unit. It's worth checking into.
Thanks! Does that mean I can possibly break my lease without having to find someone to sublet my portion?

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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 11:27 AM
  #153
Check womenslaw.org

Some states go above and beyond domestic violence laws permitting a lease to be broken without penalty. It's worth checking if your state is one of them.

It's likely worth talking to your landlord as well. Ask for specifics about taking one person on the lease leaving and one staying. Penalties for breaking a lease are usually incurred because the landlord loses rental income. If one person is staying and paying the rent, there shouldn't be a penalty.
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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 11:39 AM
  #154
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Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
Check womenslaw.org

Some states go above and beyond domestic violence laws permitting a lease to be broken without penalty. It's worth checking if your state is one of them.

It's likely worth talking to your landlord as well. Ask for specifics about taking one person on the lease leaving and one staying. Penalties for breaking a lease are usually incurred because the landlord loses rental income. If one person is staying and paying the rent, there shouldn't be a penalty.
I submitted a question through the website to get more details for my state. What I want to know and asked on womenslaw.org is whether I can break my lease and absolve myself from having to find a sublet to take my place for the duration of the lease.

My husband cannot afford the full rent by himself, if I leave early. He would either have to get a roommate, or move out himself.

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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 11:53 AM
  #155
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My husband cannot afford the full rent by himself, if I leave early. He would either have to get a roommate, or move out himself.
So? A week or two ago you said it didn't matter what happened to him. If you can legally get out of the lease and he can't afford it on his own, that's his problem, not yours. It's OK if he fails and you succeed.

Take care of you first.

(I'm not trying to be witchy, I'm simply trying to encourage you to tap into strength you already have)
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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 12:11 PM
  #156
He just called to tell me that he may be able to move into the place he moved into the first time we separated. This will resolve things all around, if so.

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Default Sep 27, 2022 at 01:30 PM
  #157
He’s a grown man. Not a child. If he at age 50 or over 50 can’t afford rent, then he needs to find roommates or quit pot and stop partying and start living within his means. You aren’t his mother. He needs to find ways to support himself just like the rest of us

To get out of lease because of abuse is doable but you’d have to prove it. It isn’t always easy as you need enough evidence
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Default Sep 28, 2022 at 06:41 AM
  #158
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He’s a grown man. Not a child. If he at age 50 or over 50 can’t afford rent, then he needs to find roommates or quit pot and stop partying and start living within his means. You aren’t his mother. He needs to find ways to support himself just like the rest of us

To get out of lease because of abuse is doable but you’d have to prove it. It isn’t always easy as you need enough evidence
Agreed. But I think he's found a solution. He tells me he can move back into where he lived before when we first separated. That solves the problem.

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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 08:35 AM
  #159
I have been following this thread but I hadn’t written anything because I wasn’t sure that I was gonna lose my time. You know…couple issues are delicate and normally when we receive suggestions or insight about it, we feel bad when we don’t receive messages as to what it’s best to do. It’s a very personal topic. This is how I see it.
But, from what I read here and others of your threads, it seems to me you have progressed and are pretty open to hear others.
So, why don’t we focus or react in a different way this time.
Why not stop giving your husband information about what you are thinking at the moment and about what you are planning to do in the future. I mean, saying him that you are thinking of cut the relation off is giving him ammunition for him to openly going on trying to manipulate you. And this is only prolong possible circle of abuse and get your confusion grow.

Recap: Take some distance so you will perceive with more certainty what’s the true behaviour on your husband while preparing your posible exit from the marriage.
You will see how long he’s ready to go and what to expect when he’s being himself.

This is my suggestion if I put myself in the sane situation, of course. Giving my partner or my husband no information about what I’m thinking of doing in the future. No ultimatum at all and see how he behaves without pressure.

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Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 09:32 AM
  #160
Thanks. I am definitely open to suggestions. Divorce is already out in the open and is underway. We are officially separated, sleeping in separate bedrooms. Now we just have to be civil to each other while we still must live together. It may be a couple of months before he can move out. He did find a place to move into.

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