FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#141
Please help me to forgive myself. I allowed this abuser back into my life, when I was in a very vulnerable place in life. He was there, and I wanted to believe his words. Now I know that he is just full of crap, bs and lies. I knew this already and still went back to him. Please help me to forgive myself.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
ArmorPlate108, Bill3, MuseumGhost, Starlingflock
|
Member
RollercoasterLover
In a healthy mental space.
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 315
58 hugs
given |
#142
Look in a mirror and say I'm sorry self. Do it every day. One day the image looking back will say I forgive you.
Take care of you in the present. The future doesn't hurt. It can't, it hasn't happened yet. The past is history, all you need to do is learn from it. |
Reply With Quote |
Have Hope
|
Bill3, Have Hope
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#143
Quote:
I have sacrificed SO much of myself . I cut off important parts of myself and now I want those parts back. It's like my wings were clipped the entire time with him. I grieve THAT vs the loss of HIM. I am not losing him, I am regaining myself. That's how I view this. But I grieve for the woman inside that I have neglected, and who was neglected in this relationship. He neglected me. Now it's ME time. And yes, I can definitely learn from this experience. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
|
Reply With Quote |
ArmorPlate108, Bill3, MuseumGhost
|
MuseumGhost
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#144
I just quit the therapist who never validated me. What I need is validation around the abuse and my experience of my husband, and he wasn’t giving me that. Why keep going back? It’s not helping me and in fact is harming me.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
ArmorPlate108, Bill3, MuseumGhost
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#145
Wow, this truly sucks. Our lease doesn't end until JUNE. Neither one of us has a place to go to, and neither one of us has any money to move out. It will take me 3 full months to save what I need in order to move out, but even then, I would have to find a sublet to take over my portion of the lease if I move. Once again, it would be best if my husband moved out because I can afford our apartment and he can't, but the place he had before is no longer available to him.
We're stuck together for now. He is going to see his mother for 5 days on Sat, so I will get a break from him, thank goodness. A couple girlfriends have offered to let me stay with them here and there for an escape. This is a nightmare, but there was no way I could keep going in this relationship - not one minute longer. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
ArmorPlate108, Bill3, MuseumGhost
|
MuseumGhost
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#146
I never should have let him move back in. That was a mistake. This whole relationship was a mistake.
I am beating myself up. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
ArmorPlate108, Bill3, MuseumGhost
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#147
And, I think @MuseumGhost was right. I think he's a narcissist - I looked up the difference between narc abuse and regular abuse:
Abuse alone is clean. They hate you. They stay hating you. They want to destroy you. They abuse you. Narcissistic abuse is dirty, twisted, perverse, slimy, invasive and vile. It leaves a dirtiness in you (and later emotional issues) and makes the narcissist look odious and sickening (once you awaken to its true face). When the narcissist is feeling rotten, moody, angry, sad, self-pitying, unhappy. They will do anything to cause you to become unhappy too. And then they sleep well at night and remember nothing about it. This is the best known part of narcissistic abuse. But when the narcissist is feeling wonderful, they will then profanely coerce you into feeling wonderful with them. The high functioning ones will turn on their 100 W smile, deploy their charm offensive, tell you how wonderful a jewel you are, how you complete them, buy you expensive gifts, treat you to a $500 dinner. That's my husband. And I felt this before we got back together. WHY OH WHY did I have to get back together with him? What was wrong with me? I was in a very vulnerable place, and he crept back in. What is the difference between narcissistic abuse and emotional abuse? I've been abused by someone with npd (my dad) and someone without (my ex) and the experiences were incredibly similar. - Quora __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
ArmorPlate108, Bill3, MuseumGhost
|
Legendary
Bill3
has no updates.
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
24.1k hugs
given |
#148
Is he on the lease?
If not, you can tell him to leave. Or you can give him a deadline, X number of days. It will then be his responsibility to find an affordable place to live. People do that every day, he can do it too. |
Reply With Quote |
MuseumGhost
|
MuseumGhost
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#149
He is on the lease unfortunately.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Legendary
Bill3
has no updates.
Member Since: Mar 2009
Location: USA
Posts: 10,923
24.1k hugs
given |
#150
That is unfortunate.
|
Reply With Quote |
Have Hope
|
Have Hope
|
Member
RollercoasterLover
In a healthy mental space.
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 315
58 hugs
given |
#151
Check womenslaw.org. most states have laws that allow abuse victims to break a lease if they are a Co leasing a rental unit. It's worth checking into.
|
Reply With Quote |
MuseumGhost
|
Bill3, Have Hope, MuseumGhost
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#152
Thanks! Does that mean I can possibly break my lease without having to find someone to sublet my portion?
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
Member
RollercoasterLover
In a healthy mental space.
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 315
58 hugs
given |
#153
Check womenslaw.org
Some states go above and beyond domestic violence laws permitting a lease to be broken without penalty. It's worth checking if your state is one of them. It's likely worth talking to your landlord as well. Ask for specifics about taking one person on the lease leaving and one staying. Penalties for breaking a lease are usually incurred because the landlord loses rental income. If one person is staying and paying the rent, there shouldn't be a penalty. |
Reply With Quote |
MuseumGhost
|
Bill3, Have Hope, MuseumGhost
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#154
Quote:
My husband cannot afford the full rent by himself, if I leave early. He would either have to get a roommate, or move out himself. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
|
Reply With Quote |
Member
RollercoasterLover
In a healthy mental space.
Member Since: Apr 2021
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 315
58 hugs
given |
#155
Quote:
Take care of you first. (I'm not trying to be witchy, I'm simply trying to encourage you to tap into strength you already have) |
|
Reply With Quote |
Have Hope
|
ArmorPlate108, Bill3, MuseumGhost
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#156
He just called to tell me that he may be able to move into the place he moved into the first time we separated. This will resolve things all around, if so.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, MuseumGhost
|
MuseumGhost
|
Legendary Wise Elder
divine1966
Tired!!!
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,303
(SuperPoster!)
1,274 hugs
given |
#157
He’s a grown man. Not a child. If he at age 50 or over 50 can’t afford rent, then he needs to find roommates or quit pot and stop partying and start living within his means. You aren’t his mother. He needs to find ways to support himself just like the rest of us
To get out of lease because of abuse is doable but you’d have to prove it. It isn’t always easy as you need enough evidence |
Reply With Quote |
Bill3, Have Hope
|
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#158
Quote:
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
|
Reply With Quote |
Bill3
|
Grand Magnate
AzulOscuro
has no updates.
Member Since: Nov 2014
Location: Spain ( the land of flowers and gladness, lol!)
Posts: 3,822
1,748 hugs
given |
#159
I have been following this thread but I hadn’t written anything because I wasn’t sure that I was gonna lose my time. You know…couple issues are delicate and normally when we receive suggestions or insight about it, we feel bad when we don’t receive messages as to what it’s best to do. It’s a very personal topic. This is how I see it.
But, from what I read here and others of your threads, it seems to me you have progressed and are pretty open to hear others. So, why don’t we focus or react in a different way this time. Why not stop giving your husband information about what you are thinking at the moment and about what you are planning to do in the future. I mean, saying him that you are thinking of cut the relation off is giving him ammunition for him to openly going on trying to manipulate you. And this is only prolong possible circle of abuse and get your confusion grow. Recap: Take some distance so you will perceive with more certainty what’s the true behaviour on your husband while preparing your posible exit from the marriage. You will see how long he’s ready to go and what to expect when he’s being himself. This is my suggestion if I put myself in the sane situation, of course. Giving my partner or my husband no information about what I’m thinking of doing in the future. No ultimatum at all and see how he behaves without pressure. __________________ Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits. Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance. Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON) |
Reply With Quote |
Wise Elder
Have Hope
has no updates.
Member Since: Dec 2017
Location: Eastern, USA
Posts: 9,043
(SuperPoster!)
3,619 hugs
given |
#160
Thanks. I am definitely open to suggestions. Divorce is already out in the open and is underway. We are officially separated, sleeping in separate bedrooms. Now we just have to be civil to each other while we still must live together. It may be a couple of months before he can move out. He did find a place to move into.
__________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes |
Reply With Quote |
AzulOscuro, Bill3, MuseumGhost
|