[MayApples]

I'm dealing with a friend who means well but uses passive aggressive stonewalling behavior when she is either upset or wants to take a break, instead of saying I'm taking a break for awhile. Then she turns around and sends Reels or links only, possibly trying to act connected still. I don't understand her and I've tried to give the friendship a break and walk away for a bit to give her space. However, I'm not ok with this pattern she has established. I believe she is illustrating a point, because I know she does this also to her family when they've done something wrong. I have no idea of what I did and I'm not going to play games with her by asking. I tried to check in today, after 5 days, to see how she is. She said nothing. So I'm trying to deal with this by letting her behave however she wants. It's not my problem but it does hurt my feelings and that, and stress from life in general right now, is why I'm here. Glad to get this off my chest.

[DoroMona]

I've been reading about stonewalling lately because ironically a colleague has recently complained I've been stonewalling him. My situation is complicated, but anyway...I would suggest you express that you regret it if you did anything wrong and would really like to talk to her when she's ready...and then just leave it alone. You can ignore her texts too at that point. If this is her pattern of behavior, then soon enough she'll relent and talk to you again. At that time, you should warn her that you care about her and really value the friendship, but that when she cuts you off like that, it's really stressful and hurtful and you don't think you can handle being treated like that. Stonewalling is really physically and mentally unhealthy for both parties. You can read about why people do it--often when they were younger, they were ridiculed when they expressed anger or disagreement and they just learned to internalize it and be quietly furious.

Although I have a predilection for stonewalling or the silent treatment, I made a conscious decision never to do it to my SO because I knew the relationship wouldn't be able to handle that behavior. Hopefully you can have communicate your feelings with your friend and maybe she'll feel safer expressing anger with you in the future. Alternatively, you could recommend she educate herself on the behavior and on learning "assertive anger."

Dealing with Anger: Types of Anger – Your Life Counts

[MayApples]

Thank you for the thoughtful post. Very helpful indeed

[unaluna]

Yeah i learned this technique at my mothers knee - or more accurately, at her back as she left the building. Im still embarrassed.

One time, a close friend said to me, "we bought a vacation property, like 4 hours away. BTW, dont expect an invitation."

I was so taken aback. i figured the friendship was over. So why not ghost her?