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luca8212
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Location: Italy
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Default Sep 19, 2022 at 11:12 PM
  #1
Hello from Italy, first of all, thanks for all the articles because they are very useful and inspiring. I have been with my gf/exgf for almost 4 years now. The first two or three years were wonderful together. But since this year particularly, things started getting colder and I was neglecting some of the affection and care that she wanted and needed. Now I regret that part. Time has passed and now she told me that she doesn’t love you anymore and that she realised how much she misses herself. The problem is that she told me over the phone, because I went back home to see my family for almost two months and I am coming back next week, when I will finally see her in person.

The first month away it was ok, talking every day and making plans for when I will come back, but the second month she started to ignore me more and I went nuts. Since then, things got worst. She started doing many things in her own, specially sports, with friends. First she asked for some time to think, then to break up. I was clingy and needy and told her that I reflected and that now I was ready to take the relationship more seriously but she said is too late, that we dont match and that I can meet her expectations for a life partner. I insisted over this different days by texting only to get more blocked.

I don’t know what to do now. I will see her next week and even if she told me very clearly that she doesn’t love me anymore and that she doesn’t want to be with me I still have hope to change her mind. I know what I did wrong and I have the confidence to change things, but is it too late? Should I try to convince her? Will change anything the fact we will see in person after two months? Should I accept the break up when I come back and wait for another moment? How could I bring back her attention and trust?
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AzulOscuro
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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 06:00 AM
  #2
It seems as she had the chance to realise what was failing in your relationship along this time you’ve been far.

Sometimes, a part of the couple screwed things up and the other party sees her/his feelings changed in the way that it cannot be undone anymore but you can still learn a lesson for a future relationship with somebody else.
Nonetheless, I would give myself the opportunity to have at least, a last conversation with her (always if she wants it too) so you will both may see what you feel, guys, to each other. And at the very least, tell each other what you both need to tell.

As to this realisation you had, in the sense that you needed to change what you did wrong, exactly, when happens the point in which you realised of it? Now, that she’s gone? Did she called your attention at this issue before? If so, what was your reaction and your actions? Did you already make any different from the time you proposed you to change things?
These are questions for you.
I don’t have the intention to subject you to third degree. I’m only a little sceptical about us being able to make big changes from one day to another.

__________________
Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
Trying to improve my English. My apologies for errors and mistakes in advance.

Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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luca8212
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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 06:41 AM
  #3
First of all, thanks for your reply.

Indeed, she was thinking during this time and I was reflecting too when she mentioned it first. But in that moment I didn't understand completely what she meant and I made things worst in this time.
If she is gone there is nothing I can do about it, but we will have this last conversation because we agreed on that one month ago, plus are living together (for more than two years).

I think the things started to get not so good since this year. In that time, I was kind of blocked and in a terrible state because other aspects of life (family, etc) and I also needed a break. But I didn't expect to be this kind of break leading to a break up with her. Anyway, in that time I was more distant to her and had a doing nothing feeling for some months. Yes, she called me attention at this issue but I was kind of numb all about it. Now that I spend some time outside, I am feeling more energetic and positive, and actually the first month that we were apart everything seemed to be better and we were talking about doing many plans together. Nevertheless, she also realised that many things weren't working, started thinking that we don't match or that I can fulfil her needs. I realised I was selfish, distant and that took her for granted, but it is also true that this year has been particularly terrible and at that time didn't react to get things done.

Sometimes happens that one reflects and realises things when is already too late. My reaction was to try to give her the confidence to get things better, but by this time I went into a clingy mood and she seems to be checking out during this last month. I feel there is not anything else I could do before we talk, but if there is the chance to save the relationship I would do things in a very different way. It is human to make mistakes. In a way, I think this crisis was necessary, either to break up or to start a new beginning. I am for the second, she is for the first. But I am pretty sure that can be worked and that I can do things other way or otherwise I wouldn't even bother to ask her for that. But it is hard for me know to get her trust and willingness back....
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Molinit
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Default Sep 20, 2022 at 08:14 AM
  #4
Just respect what she told you and leave her alone. She has moved on. If she wants to get in touch with you later and you feel like meeting with her, okay. But you should come back with the understanding you have broken up and you should be moving on too.
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Thanks for this!
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