Difficult long-distance-relationship

Hello everyone,

First of all I want to apologize for my bad english, I hope that you are able to understand everything.

And also a little warning, this text might be really long.

So to give you a small Idea of what is going on I will start right at the beginning.

Me (19) and my gf (19) are a couple for 5 months now. Our first month's were great. Before we got together I thought that I never met a person before that suited me that well. The only downside: she was planning to do a voluntary year in Italy, which startet roughly 4 weeks ago. I was thinking a lot about it and if I want to get into a serious relationship with her, despite her one one year absence. But after 4 months of intense contact we got together and it was beautiful. I loved her more than anyone I've ever met because we had so much in common. We love the same music, we both love anime, have the same Humor, the same visions of the future and have the same opinion on many topics. We also have differences but I always thought that we are able to complement each other in a good way. So on paper we fit together really well.

But after 3 months the bad things started to shine through. I always had the problem that at some time in any relationship i started to fear that my partner could lose any feelings for me and I started to overthink every little detail. That resulted in me getting really clingy and restricting to my partner. Every girl I had a relationship to then lost interest in me and we separated. But with her it was different.

I also developed this feelings in this relationship, started to overthink and many times questioned her love to me. I did not realize that this is a bad and toxic behaviour that I have to change and that many things are only in my head but she held on to our relationship.

Nonetheless we fought many times during this period, which also affected her a lot. She started to feel uncomfortable in our relationship and started to really question her love to me. That resulted in her distancing from me. But she still hold on to me. The time we spent together was still great I started to notice this distance here and there but kept it for myself.

Eventually the time came that she had to go to Italy. It was a very emotional farewell but we both were willing to stand this through because we both think that we might have a great future together ahead of us when we accomplish this year. But things did not go as I expected.

The first week was okay. I had a good feeling that we are able to manage this time. In this time I started to reflect on me and our relationship and finally realised all my mistakes and bad behaviours. I talked to her about everything and that I'm willing to work on myself. She was very grateful that I spoke to her and that I finally found a reason behind our many fights. She then also spoke about her feelings, that she was starting to feel uncomfortable and the she questioned her love. We decided to work on my problem together and all seemed to go up from there. But the feeling that she is distancing herself from me did not go away. It all peaked in a big fight after 2 weeks of her being in Italy. There I experienced a big setback and said things to her that I regretted soon after. We managed to clarify all, I apologized but she needed a short break so we did not talk to each other for one day. After that it all seemed okay. We spoke about everything and we put the dispute aside. Since then we only got into one big fight, which was about a different topic and was more of her fault. But she realised it and apologized. We also talked about our ideas of a healthy relationship and realised that we have exactly the same ideas. She also frequently tells me, that she loves me. So everything should be fine right?

Not really. I still have the constant feeling that she still is emotionally distanced from me. We usually were able to talk for hours about anything and it was so nice but now we phone each other maybe one time in the week, talk for half an hour about our everyday life, then we have nothing to talk about and after that she often says that she has something else to do so has to hang up. She also gives me the impression that she has no really desire to talk to me. I also have the impression that I give much more energy in to our relationship than her. But that might also be connected to her work. She usually has to work nearly everyday and when she is not working she often spends time with other volunteers. We usually text each other every day a few messages but it all feels so different. It doesn't feel like the time before our big fights at all. I think that my behaviour impacted and weakened her feelings for me. I have hopes that it might get better with time, when our fights are starting to get forgotten. I also have hopes that it might be like when everything was fine, when we finally see each other again in December for a few days.

What do you guys think? How should I act now? Should I talk to her or should I just wait how things will develop? Or should I try to put more energy in to our relationship so that she gets reminded that I am still the one she fell in love with once?

I really want that things start to work out again, because I really love her. I never met someone before who I had so much in common with. And I really can imagine a great future with her.

Another thought that has come to my mind recently is that she maybe just has no time for a serious relationship at the moment because of her current situation. I mean because of her work an the other people around her. Should I just wait and hope that everything gets better when she is back home again?

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. Wish I knew what to say that would help. The whole things must be so stressful for you!

There are psychologists who believe that subconscious needs bind people together more strongly than any other factors. Perhaps that theory is false, I don't know.

My parents didn't have many interests in common and fought like cats and dogs and people predicted that their relationship would never last and yet they were married for 50 years. Perhaps there was something very deep holding them together?

If I read you correctly, and my English is not all that good, you are asking a question about how one can do things in the present to guarantee a desired future outcome or at least increase the odds of a desired future outcome. Sadly I don't know the answer to that.

I would think [perhaps wrongly] that if you meet your girlfriend's deepest needs, then your relationship can survive all the ups and downs you mentioned.

I must confess to ignorance here. Hopefully other members on these Forums; members with more knowledge, experience and insight will see your post and respond to it with better words than my poor words.

My heart goes out to you and I hope that things work out for the very best for you! You are in a tough stop to put it mildly and it seems that you are thoughtful and trying to do all the right things!

I agree with this as a plausible explanation for the perceived (emotional) distance that you feel from your girlfriend. With the distance, she might be better able to process, emotionally, the impact on herself. As you remarked yourself being clingy, distrustful, initiating fights etc. does impact on the other partner and tends to push people away.

The best thing you can do is work on yourself and your insecurities. Put your energy on your own self-growth. That is the best you can do for yourself and your relationship. I would not force the issue on your girlfriend as that might push her away. Prove yourself through your actions instead.