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MissKnight15
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Default Sep 24, 2022 at 03:32 PM
  #1
So I want to give some insight on how my relationship with my husband has been, I would love to hear opinions please.

I started dating him when I was 15 and not long after he would do things like skipping school to go hang out with other girls and even disappeared for a whole day and his mother and I search for him to find out he was with an exgirlfriend. A couple years into our relationship he started letting a girl from work take him home and they even kissed one night, they would send each other notes back and forth at work. He would collect numbers he received from girls and even went to a strip club and got a lap dance behind my back.

I don’t know why I stayed, I guess I had low self esteem and didn’t think I could find anyone else.

I decided to marry him when I was 18, I guess I just thought it was the next step. Things were ok for a while besides when we would get in fights he hurt me a few times.

Move to about 3 years later, when our son was born. I found out he had a porn addition and would constantly have to ask him to stop and he never listened. I got no help around the house and sometime he didn’t even have a job. He would message girls he knew in school about how great he was. Our daughter was born and I was still dealing with the same things, except when we would fight he started hurting me again. He started texting he best friends girlfriend all day long and even admitted she wanted to date him.

Move to several years later, everything had been pretty quite, except for the porn thing, I go out of town with my two kids while pregnant to visit family. He stayed back home. The first night he went to the pool hall by himself he says but never would answer when I called and he checks his phone often. I get home after a week and checked his email for a document I needed and find where he had got a Craigslist to try and find some company… all while I’m 7 months pregnant…it hurt, but I stayed and he said he would never do it again. After having the baby and on her first birthday I got a message saying he had been cheating on me…and this had been going on for the past 4 months, while I had a miscarriage. It was devastating but I decided to stay for the kids.

He was really sorry. He said he wanted to do chastity where he would be locked up. I went with it the first time, but he became more aggressive and mean. We stopped, but in the past four years he hasn’t given up on it, he has coerced me into doing it a head full of times. Last summer after vacation he wanted to do it and after a month of constant coercing I gave in, but he wanted me to sleep with other men, and I was so lonely I did it. He couldn’t handle it so he wanted to have an open relationship ship…so we did, it was the worst thing for our marriage. He still thinks it was a great idea. Anyway, during this time we would go drinking a lot, I’m pretty ashamed of this whole time, like it wasn’t me and I was watching it all happen.

One night we got in an argument while drinking and I walked away and he picked me up and backhanded me three times and someone saw and called the police. I lied and said nothing happened because I was scared. After the police left he kept threatening to kill me and bury me in the woods nearby. I was so scared. I ended up with a black eye, and my teeth cut into my cheek. I wish now I would have said something. It happened another time where he got me and blood gushed from my nose. He told me it was my fault for pushing him to it.

After I ended the open relationship I fell in a deep depression and anxiety. I’m April I finally went to a psychiatrist and therapist, but he would make me feel bad about it so I stop in August. I haven’t got any support with my depression.

In may he wanted he said he wanted me to dominate him and turn him into the man I want, I would tell him it was unhealthy. He says he needs help and I’m the only one that can help, really unhealthy. He would stop or he want a “normal” relationship with lots of sex and blowjobs is his exact words.

I feel like I’ve been put through gaslighting and coerced into sex, probably other thing too.
It’s hard to put everything that’s happened because I can’t think of it all.

I also think he maybe a narcissist. I want to leave but I don’t want to hurt my kids and I haven’t had a job in 15 years…and I have no friend or support.

I’m sorry if this is long and drawn out, I just want to feel I’m not alone.

Thank you for reading
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Default Sep 25, 2022 at 01:35 AM
  #2
So basically you would rather your children learn that abuse is ok. That’s what you are teaching them.

You are codependent and trauma bonded so you need to read about these unhealthy relationship patterns.
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Default Sep 25, 2022 at 03:50 AM
  #3
Yes. You are being abused... physically, sexually, emotionally and you and your children are in danger. You need an escape plan. You said you are isolated with no friends or support, so like most victims of abuse, you need an advocate to help you.

On a computer your HUSBAND CANT SEE EVER (library, church, etc) go to womenslaw.org. you can find resources by state/County that will help you. Most states have both charitable organizations that assist victims as well as state and federal resources. You can also call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at
8oo 799 7233

Don't wait. Find safety for you and your children. Please know you didn't do anything to deserve abuse. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It's OK to need help getting out of the cycle of abuse. It's OK to be scared and worried. It's not OK that this is happening to you.
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Default Sep 25, 2022 at 03:57 AM
  #4
What roller coaster said!

Yes, you are being abused and staying can put your kids in danger.

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Default Sep 25, 2022 at 04:24 AM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover View Post
Yes. You are being abused... physically, sexually, emotionally and you and your children are in danger. You need an escape plan. You said you are isolated with no friends or support, so like most victims of abuse, you need an advocate to help you.

On a computer your HUSBAND CANT SEE EVER (library, church, etc) go to womenslaw.org. you can find resources by state/County that will help you. Most states have both charitable organizations that assist victims as well as state and federal resources. You can also call the National Domestic Abuse hotline at
8oo 799 7233

Don't wait. Find safety for you and your children. Please know you didn't do anything to deserve abuse. You have nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It's OK to need help getting out of the cycle of abuse. It's OK to be scared and worried. It's not OK that this is happening to you.
I agree with all of the above.

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Default Sep 25, 2022 at 07:30 AM
  #6
So, you write this
Quote:
he kept threatening to kill me and bury me in the woods nearby. I was so scared. I ended up with a black eye, and my teeth cut into my cheek. [...]It happened another time where he got me and blood gushed from my nose
and you ask if this is abuse. What do you think? Is it okay to beat your wife and threaten to kill her? That is 'normal' behaviour? Is that what you want your girls to do if they are in a similar situation?

Quote:
I want to leave but I don’t want to hurt my kids
You are doing more damage to your kids by staying in a relationship where they learn that violence is okay, that hurting mom is okay and that females being abused is okay and that they should put up with it. That is what you are teaching your children.

Please, don't use your children as your excuse for staying. He has been like this since you met. Yet, you stayed and kept coming back. This is not on your kids, it's on you. You are deciding to stay. There is help for women in your situation.
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Default Sep 25, 2022 at 01:38 PM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by MissKnight15 View Post
So I want to give some insight on how my relationship with my husband has been, I would love to hear opinions please.

I started dating him when I was 15 and not long after he would do things like skipping school to go hang out with other girls and even disappeared for a whole day and his mother and I search for him to find out he was with an exgirlfriend. A couple years into our relationship he started letting a girl from work take him home and they even kissed one night, they would send each other notes back and forth at work. He would collect numbers he received from girls and even went to a strip club and got a lap dance behind my back.

I don’t know why I stayed, I guess I had low self esteem and didn’t think I could find anyone else.

I decided to marry him when I was 18, I guess I just thought it was the next step. Things were ok for a while besides when we would get in fights he hurt me a few times.

Move to about 3 years later, when our son was born. I found out he had a porn addition and would constantly have to ask him to stop and he never listened. I got no help around the house and sometime he didn’t even have a job. He would message girls he knew in school about how great he was. Our daughter was born and I was still dealing with the same things, except when we would fight he started hurting me again. He started texting he best friends girlfriend all day long and even admitted she wanted to date him.

Move to several years later, everything had been pretty quite, except for the porn thing, I go out of town with my two kids while pregnant to visit family. He stayed back home. The first night he went to the pool hall by himself he says but never would answer when I called and he checks his phone often. I get home after a week and checked his email for a document I needed and find where he had got a Craigslist to try and find some company… all while I’m 7 months pregnant…it hurt, but I stayed and he said he would never do it again. After having the baby and on her first birthday I got a message saying he had been cheating on me…and this had been going on for the past 4 months, while I had a miscarriage. It was devastating but I decided to stay for the kids.

He was really sorry. He said he wanted to do chastity where he would be locked up. I went with it the first time, but he became more aggressive and mean. We stopped, but in the past four years he hasn’t given up on it, he has coerced me into doing it a head full of times. Last summer after vacation he wanted to do it and after a month of constant coercing I gave in, but he wanted me to sleep with other men, and I was so lonely I did it. He couldn’t handle it so he wanted to have an open relationship ship…so we did, it was the worst thing for our marriage. He still thinks it was a great idea. Anyway, during this time we would go drinking a lot, I’m pretty ashamed of this whole time, like it wasn’t me and I was watching it all happen.

One night we got in an argument while drinking and I walked away and he picked me up and backhanded me three times and someone saw and called the police. I lied and said nothing happened because I was scared. After the police left he kept threatening to kill me and bury me in the woods nearby. I was so scared. I ended up with a black eye, and my teeth cut into my cheek. I wish now I would have said something. It happened another time where he got me and blood gushed from my nose. He told me it was my fault for pushing him to it.

After I ended the open relationship I fell in a deep depression and anxiety. I’m April I finally went to a psychiatrist and therapist, but he would make me feel bad about it so I stop in August. I haven’t got any support with my depression.

In may he wanted he said he wanted me to dominate him and turn him into the man I want, I would tell him it was unhealthy. He says he needs help and I’m the only one that can help, really unhealthy. He would stop or he want a “normal” relationship with lots of sex and blowjobs is his exact words.

I feel like I’ve been put through gaslighting and coerced into sex, probably other thing too.
It’s hard to put everything that’s happened because I can’t think of it all.

I also think he maybe a narcissist. I want to leave but I don’t want to hurt my kids and I haven’t had a job in 15 years…and I have no friend or support.

I’m sorry if this is long and drawn out, I just want to feel I’m not alone.

Thank you for reading
I feel for you and your kids, MissKnight.
Make a plan before leaving for good.
Have everything ready. Where you are gonna go (talk to people in a shelter for women) they are gonna help you to stay safe and then, when you get better, they will help you to find a job and a place for your kids and you.

Fix a date and the right moment to exit.

It’s normal you are very afraid of leaving. Everybody here knows is not easy at all. The abuser’s tactic is to empty your self-esteem so that’s why you feel a dependency but you are another person to the one you think you are now. Believe me.
Let us know how you are going and about your fears and whatever you need to ask.

Use that love you have for your kids to take impulse. It’s better for them to have a healthy mother. They will feel very proud of you. I’m sure.

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Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Sep 28, 2022 at 06:55 PM
  #8
Dear MissKnight15,

Irrespective of what the definition of an abusive relationship is, or whether you are in an abusive relationship....what a crappy marriage it is to be in. There's cheating, death threats, abuse, belittling. How can anyone sleep next to a spouse peacefully who threatened to kill them. What do you think will happen to someone's health (physical and mental) if they have to sleep with one eye open?

If you are staying for the kids, what do you think your sons and daughters will learn about love and relationship from this? If you are unhappy in this relationship, you are probably passing on mental health problems to your kids (like cptsd, depression, codependency, etc). Everything you've described sounds traumatic and exhausting.

As someone who came from a broken home said "Better come from a broken home than be in a broken home".

To answer your question if you are being abused, I think you already know the answer - yes.
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 05:14 AM
  #9
Oh honey, yes, indeed, you are being severely abused. Staying for the kids' sake is a big mistake. As others above have said, it will cause worse damage to your children if you stay. Children typically model their parents' relationship and behaviors because that's all they know and learn. Just as important, you are being abused and it must stop. It stops by you leaving, and not by staying.

What you need is to build a support system that will help you in making an exit strategy and plan. There are domestic violence centers in your state - research them online, without your husband knowing, and see if you can find one close to you. Call them and ask them for help. Tell them everything that has happened. They will help you to create an exit strategy and safety plan. You may get assigned an abuse advocate who can coach you for as often and for as long as you need assistance.

Whatever you do, do not tell your husband that you are leaving. Plan this secretly, so that violence does not occur. You've got to place your safety and your children's safety above all else.

This will continue happening and will not stop, unless you leave him. It's time to pull the plug. It's not easy and it will be hard, but it's for the best. You will be safe, happier and more at peace in the end.

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