I really feel uncomfortable around counsellors living a life different from mine.

I´ve seen several types of counselors within mental health care, within social services and unemployment programs. In those cases I´ve met with such a person over a longer period of time I always feel I don´t want to stay in touch and I feel very uncomfortable about them having families, friends, interests and so on.

For me personally I see it as more or less harmful to open up about personal stuff to a person who doesn´t live like me and who has a different life situation from mine. All of those I´ve met with, which are a lot of people during the years, have had a family, kids, they had nice flats in better areas than where I live. First and foremost, they have their own contacts, friends, relatives and so on, why should I talk to them about my life? Why should I be constantly reminded of things I don´t have? Even if those counselors never tells about themselves to make me feel deliberately uncomfortable.

It´s not at all that I expect them to be my friend or to call me outside our appointment times but why should I put myself in a situation where I know I´m not their priority? (And can´t be of course, I´m not their family or their friend).

A part of this is that I´ve never received help that actually got me somewhere, if I had met a professional that really could help me in an effective way, then I could ignore the fact that we live very different lives, that they have a family when I don´t and so on.

This isn´t about "but why don´t you go out and look for new friends or a job" as if it had been that easy, then I hadn´t wrote this post in the first place.

Also, as I don´t mean counselors as in professional therapists, the people I´ve talked to don´t understand this. We don´t have access to therapy for a longer period of time within our public mental health care system and I can´t pay for therapy out of my own pocket.

This is interesting. To a certain degree I can understand this. Being able to relate to someone is important. I think that refusing the help of someone who has what you want in life is a bad idea though. They haven't always been parents, they haven't always been employed, they haven't always lived where they do.... where they are now is different from where they started.

I guess it depends on what you want the goal of your counseling to be. Are you looking for someone to just validate your feelings and life as difficult? Or are you looking for someone with a "been there, survived that" style and here's how I survived what you're going through counselor? Because anyone who has survived hardship who is a counselor now, is likely not living the same life they once were. They may not advertise or openly discuss their own hardships. Perhaps you should start telling them you doubt they can understand you upfront because they appear to have a life that you don't yet have.

I do hope you find what you are needing and wanting in a counselor.

I actually never found therapy helpful because I felt therapists couldn't relate. That's why I prefer peer support groups led by certified peer specialists (people who live with mental illness themselves). I also lead a support group with the National Alliance on Mental Illness. I don't have a master's in counseling, but I did a three day training course and I have lived with depression and anxiety pretty much all my life. I'm not sure what it's like in Sweden, but in the US these groups are usually free. I also have links to websites for virtual groups that people can attend from anywhere in the world. Let me know if you would like them.

I had no idea this peers support existed. I knew it exists for AA groups but not for others issues.
You guys definitively are at the top of most of advances and improvements there, in the States.

Sarah, I have heard by a recognised psychiatrist in my country that the good psychiatrists and therapists are the ones who experienced a mental issue or have lived it very closed to them so I understand your point.
But, think that many of these professionals got prepared in this field because they have a vocation and this vocation use to come from having lived very close a similar experience themselves.
So, again, in my opinion, there will be more possibilities that you rush into a good professional than somebody who is not prepared.

I can guess your experiences so far haven’t been very positive but keep trying. I don’t know what your problems are, I guess they are more severe than mine (I don’t know it, again I’m guessing) but keep trying. My supervisor told me once the same, in a moment of desperation I was living and when I lost my faith even in therapists. He said: Keep trying. Maybe, you didn’t get what you need so far but it doesn’t mean you are not gonna find it ever.
Lots of luck for you!

Projektverksamhet for psykisk halsa - RSMH

It has local associations where you can meet people with similar issues. You can choose the language. I was reading it in English, not sure what happened when I posted a link.

It is located in Sweden

I think everywhere you go, not just in counseling, you will find people who live different lives. Two of my best friends have never been married, don’t date and have no kids. But I think we still connect on a friendship level and I hope they don’t feel beneath me just because they are single and I am not. I live in a pretty small condo in a pretty average area. I have friends and family who live in mansions in upscale neighborhoods. I don’t really care. If you do care, then you don’t have to associate with people who differ from you. Try those peer support groups people mentioned. Or volunteer for less fortunate? You could meet people who have less than you

I’ve been feeling more comfortable with people who are at least at the same level when not in a “lower” level (especially psychologically speaking and also the background, character and mood). It seems as in my country, you had a plus with being fun, extrovert, out-going. I always felt very inferior in this regard.

From time to time, I wonder myself about this tendency of mine. And there’s always a reason why.
I want to go out of my comfort zone in this sense and see whether now that I’m overcoming my insecurities and don’t care about these differences anymore, how it goes.

Maybe, you could work on this point, too. Which your fears are, what you are missing that makes you feel that other people are better or a higher level than you, when this is not true. Everybody is different but we are the same in the end. Equals. I do believe it truly. And if someone thinks I’m less than them for whatever reason, whatever…they are simply mistaken. To be honest.

(((Hugs))) I understand what you are trying to explain. Finding a therapist that can be sensitive, empathetic and able to witness your personal challenge in life is not all that easy.

Something I hear all the time is advice to not wonder why when facing a challenge in another person but to ignore and move on. Well, I am glad not everyone is like that and instead have made it a point to pursue the why.

Yes! People can be mean and heartless and judgemental out of ignorance. They may say they care and are even empathetic when in reality if they personally don’t think something has value or is important they won’t be sensitive to someone struggling who feels something is important and to be valued and respected.

Who has more value, the person who is good at learning and is valedictorian, OR the person who struggles with dyslexia and has to learn a different way but managed to stay on the honor role despite that extra challenge? Should the dyslexic child feel bad or not good enough?

What I can say is the child that has to work harder is more than likely going to be more empathetic than the child that has an easier time of excelling. And what has been recognized is often the dyslexic child can actually have a genius IQ.

When it comes to human beings it can be quite complex and certainly not black and white. It is important to have a therapist that is capable of putting aside what they consider of importance and have the ability to listen and delve into the uniqueness of the person sitting across from them and help that individual feel safe to open up and explore what is important to them and how they are challenged without judgement.

Not all therapists can do that.