Toxic parents and always yelled at and wrong

I am convinced my parents were/are toxic. I am now in my 50s and can't wait for them to be out of my life.

I am the oldest and yesterday my brother (Dave) came into town. (My whole life I always felt that they liked him more. Even both of my kids, when they were about 5 years old, they both looked at me and said "Gramma and Grandpa like Dave better than you!) Out of nowhere yesterday we were just sitting in the living room and my father pointed his finger and me and said, "I'm gonna tell you right now, Dave has first pick on your grand mother's paintings". I was like ok, whatever.

Once I said to my father, after he yelled at me " I always get yelled at for everything I do and everything is wrong. He repied, "Well, that because you can't do anything right!" Maybe 8 years ago, he tried to punch me in the face for no reason other than I came out of my bedroom and went into the bathroom. He yelled because I left my bedroom door open when I was in the bathroom for 2 minutes (And I had lived there for years and that was NEVER a problem, but at that minute it was). I then slammed my door and then he tried to break the door down. When he got it open, he punched me. I brushed it off as that's what happens when you live with your parents at age 40. ( I moved in with them after my divorce. In fact I stayed married for 6 years just because I knew if I got divorced I would be forced to live with them.

For years, my mom would give me evil looks when I would walk by. I would try to avoid eye contact at all costs due to it would ruin my day. She would stand right by the door as I left for work to get some mean comment in, basically telling me I did something wrong. I have felt better the last five year and at first didn't know why. Now, I know it's because my mother has dementia and she can't say negative or mean things to me anymore ( A plus!) Now, I only have to deal with my father.

He lets me live with him free ( I am finally moving out in a few weeks and I can't wait!), will hand my cash if I buy food for Thanksgiving, etc. Acts all nice to other people who think he is such a great guy. My entire life every time I ask him a question, it can be as simple as saying "did you go to the store today?" He always answers in a tone like "YEAH I WENT TO THE STORE TODAY!" all mean and with an attitude all defensive. He can't just give me a normal answer, it's mean no matter what. Sink was leaking once, it took me months to tell him, because I know I will immediately be blamed for it and yelled at, so okay, you can pay a high water bill then.

I have suffered from selective mutism as a child, panic disorder in my 20s, depression, severe low self esteem, bad relationships, etc.

I have figured out as a small child I was most likely yelled at everytime I said something, did something, showed anger, showed happiness so I just froze and got to the point I stopped talking. I have been afraid of everything my entire life to the point I can't do things.

Does he sound like a toxic parent? I am thinking rigid, authoritarian and maybe even slightly narcisstic?

Sorry to read what you've gone through with your toxic parents, OP. Do you have any social support at all? I'm glad you are moving out to your own place. You will feel so much better being on your own.

I commend you for holding it together as long as you have, with the way your parents triangulated you against your brother Dave. Is your brother at least emotionally supportive, or is he toxic towards you too?

Will you live with your children after you move out of your dad's place?

It sounds like bullying and abusive parents.

I am glad you are leaving this place soon.

Are you getting any support? It seems there are many unresolved issues growing up in such an environment & it might help to speak to a professional and get the support and validation that your caregivers failed (and are still failing) to give you.

I am so sorry you are going through this.A lot of it is familiar to me. I felt better after I moved out.Hopefully you will do better once you move out.

Oh, I see. Now I understand why it is painful to live in their house now. But a house is an inanimate object and it is within your power to make it more like your own place now, with your objects, your cleaning routines and supplies, your scents etc. Especially given that you have been trying to get rid of urine smell, it would make sense to infuse the house with something that smells good to you and was never present in the house when the parents inhabited it. I would just buy a collection of essential oils, a large brown glass spray bottle, and set out to experiment pouring some oil or a combo of oils into the bottle, filling it with water, and spraying it. I have done it for years and much prefer the scents I create to store-bought room deodorizers. The sense of smell is ancient and we are often moved by scents; a memory can be evoked by simply perceiving some aroma from decades ago. You can think of it as giving the house a new soul.

Sounds familiar!

why does it sound familiar?

"Toxic" is an imprecise word I usually don't use or relate to. However, in the case of your home situation, it sounds like a good description. I don't see where you can ever be at peace in that household. It does sound like daily, round-the-clock toxicity. Your father sounds awful. Getting your kids and you out of dependence on being under that man's roof is the best move you can made.

Your father is a foolish man. As your mom's dementia progresses, he's going to need help managing her care. A live-in adult daughter would be the ultimate asset in that situation. Your father does sound thick-headed enough to shoot himself in the foot. He'll never change. In the parent-lottery, you were very unlucky. I'm sorry. No doubt, you bear many psychic scars from the dealings you've had with this set of parents.

Some people just have to have someone to abuse. In your parents' home, you got nominated and confirmed for that position. It won't change. I doubt your kids get much grandfatherly love from this man. Getting out of that home may be in their best interests too.

Life is requiring that you be exceptionally strong. The main thing I would hope for you is that you would find some source of support IRL. Perhaps a woman's group of some kind. If you were a domestic violence victim, or had a history of substance abuse, you could find agencies and groups that try to help people in those specific populations. It may be that there is no support specific to a woman in your situation. You may be like many others who fall between the cracks and get left to cope with little or no backup.

You are a survivor of what sounds like years of emotional and physical abuse. The threat of irrational violence from your father has been abusive. I wish society offered something that you could grasp onto because you sound very alone. Maybe there is something. Perhaps a large church may have some family support services. Make your next home your sanctuary for your kids and you. Find something in the community that you can participate in. You need friends.

I went through the same sort of thing. My parents were always yelling, everything was a "teachable" moment, I was always wrong, always had to prove myself, was diminished, etc. Oh, and my sister was the "golden child".