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Member Since Aug 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 222
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#1
What do you do when your wife or husband is nothing more than
just a roommate. All the love and passion that once was is gone. It's just about paying bills and fixing up the house. There is no real adult communication. Am I wrong in wanting to share my feelings with her ? We have no common interests. I suggest a trip and all I get is silence. "Yea , we will " is all I get. I'm not really happy unless I can share myself with someone else. I'm always being gaslighted. Its always my fault. No intimacy. What the heck am I still doing here ? There's GOT to be somebody out there who cares more about sharing a life and communicating than just worried about the small things. Plus, there's no trust and too many secrets. __________________ Trying to Live in the Moment |
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Super Moderator
Community Support Team Community Liaison
Chat Leader Member Since May 2014
Location: Northeast USA New England
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#2
Hi @moodyblue83 - sorry your relationship is not the same as it was before. That is not uncommon. Things change, people change as they get older. I think people have to look at how long they are with a person and if there are children involved. I have found that most of the time when I pick another relationship in earlier years, I did not do better in the long run. It is a personal choice.
Here are some reasons some people stay together after the romance. Expenses. Nowadays apartments can be $2000 a month. Check it out in your area, but with rising home values, taxes are going up and landlords raise the rents. A house can cost a lot less. Convenience. Moving stinks. Having to pack everything up is a drag Emotions. No matter how lifeless things seem, breaking up can be strong emotions Regret. After moving out reuniting is not likely. So what if it is a lot worse? These kind of questions can bring doubt. In the end it is your choice to make but better to discuss living apart before you pull up roots and see if that is what they want to. Hurting another person causes guilt and so for me harming no one including myself is important. Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC __________________ Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" |
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moodyblue83
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moodyblue83
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Member
Member Since Aug 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 222
2 31 hugs
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#3
Quote:
But it seems others are very reluctant to change. Oh well , like you said , it's something that has to be thoroughly thought out. I feel like I'm just existing and just waiting to die. It's just sad. I really need to up my gratitude and be grateful for what I have and DONT have , ( the many possible problems ). Take care CANDC. __________________ Trying to Live in the Moment |
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Discombobulated
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Member Since Mar 2022
Location: In the west
Posts: 396
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#4
Moodyblues, your post is very relatable to me.
Not to go into great detail, but my husband has undergone changes which make him unrewarding to be around and spend time with. We are now much more like roommates than the once very close couple we were. It's sad, but unfortunately takes two to tango- in other words, I can only do what I can do, kwim? If he's not participating in a meaningful way, there is nothing I can do about it. Of course if you asked my DH, he'd probably give the same story that you and I have. He thinks he's great and doesn't realize that he's unrewarding and even unpleasant to spend time with. I probably sound like your wife a lot of times. I'm not stonewalling him to be mean, I give vagueness to avoid his constant complaints, negativity, and self centered monologuing. He is unreceptive to talking things out in a way that is constructive, so we just exist here right now. I too feel like maybe all I'm waiting for is death because I don't have a lot of options available to me. But CANDC is right, the grass always looks greener, but it may not be. It's important to center yourself first and foremost. That's what I'm doing right now, continuing on the path to self improvement. What can I do today to be a better person? Not what he should do (though arguably, he should be doing A LOT of things differently). I'm focused on things within my control - get healthier, take better care of my kid, learn and practice strong boundaries with everyone, clean up my belongings and space, etc. All things that have nothing much to do with him, but give me the opportunity to be better- because I don't know what the future holds and I'm trying to become the person I would want to be if my circumstances somehow improve. I'm sorry for you though. I also crave being in a healthy relationship and there are times I'd rather just not go on than be here with a person who can offer no meaningful emotional support. Prayin' for both of us. |
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moodyblue83
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moodyblue83
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Member
Member Since Aug 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 222
2 31 hugs
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#5
Quote:
but in the meantime we'll keep on keeping on. Because you never know. We'll keep working on ourselves and hope for the best. I'm also praying for the both of us , and those in similar , or worse , situations. __________________ Trying to Live in the Moment |
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Starlingflock
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Member Since Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
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#6
Hey @moodyblue83 if you dont mind me asking, how old are you and your wife?
__________________ "I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
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Member
Member Since Oct 2022
Location: United States
Posts: 59
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#7
When you've been in a long term relationship, people tend to evolve. But if our communication does not evolve with it, that can usually lead to this feeling of displacement. I would be willing to bet your spouse feels the same way. My wife and I had that problem in our marriage and discovered that so much of it came from raising kids. We were both so exhausted by the end of the day, we just had no energy left to consider anything for ourselves. We ended up picking a night each week ,or every other week ,when we would have a date night. I would take her to dinner and the movies and we would share that moment devoid of the calendar and events of that day. We got back to basics instead of looking for a villain in the matter. That got us back on track in terms of understanding we still wanted the best for each other and ourselves. We just had to make time to get ourselves back into that process we had given up for everyone else.
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moodyblue83, Open Eyes
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