Wife just a roommate......

Moodyblues, your post is very relatable to me.

Not to go into great detail, but my husband has undergone changes which make him unrewarding to be around and spend time with. We are now much more like roommates than the once very close couple we were. It's sad, but unfortunately takes two to tango- in other words, I can only do what I can do, kwim? If he's not participating in a meaningful way, there is nothing I can do about it.

---------Are these changes physical , psychological , or both ? You can pm me the answer if you choose to speak privately. The reason I ask is because physical changes are inevitable. Sickness for example is hard to deal with as a caregiver.
I can understand physical limitations as I have some myself, BUT , I'm willing to do what is necessary to " stay interesting and rewarding to be around with."
But what if there's little or no effort on the other side " to keep it going ? "
When the one thing that kept us together is gone , then what ?When the romance is gone , then what ? When you find out that you don't have much in common anymore,, can't even communicate on an adult level , then what ?

Of course if you asked my DH, he'd probably give the same story that you and I have. He thinks he's great and doesn't realize that he's unrewarding and even unpleasant to spend time with. I probably sound like your wife a lot of times. I'm not stonewalling him to be mean, I give vagueness to avoid his constant complaints, negativity, and self centered monologuing. He is unreceptive to talking things out in a way that is constructive, so we just exist here right now. I too feel like maybe all I'm waiting for is death because I don't have a lot of options available to me.

----------Yea ....... they think they're great alright. So many would love to have what I'm rejecting. Of course that could be true for anybody. Your probably right. My wife would be saying the same thing you are. I DO want to talk things out in a " constructive " way ! But she doesn't want to have that conversation because it's hard to understand each other when your both talking different languages. I just want a little bit of affection, passion , intimacy ! The flame can't be totally out !
Give me that and there won't be a need for a long conversation or long drawn out arguing
And of course we all have options , if we really think about it. It's just that we're so attached because of the reasons CANDC mentioned.

But CANDC is right, the grass always looks greener, but it may not be. It's important to center yourself first and foremost. That's what I'm doing right now, continuing on the path to self improvement. What can I do today to be a better person? Not what he should do (though arguably, he should be doing A LOT of things differently). I'm focused on things within my control - get healthier, take better care of my kid, learn and practice strong boundaries with everyone, clean up my belongings and space, etc. All things that have nothing much to do with him, but give me the opportunity to be better- because I don't know what the future holds and I'm trying to become the person I would want to be if my circumstances somehow improve.

----------Your right. You/I need to just focus on ourselves. God , I've spent SO MUCH TIME saying , " I just wish ................. ( you can fill in the blanks). It took me SO LONG to realize that I can only change myself. The sad part is that as much as I believe in
self improvement..........well I'm just getting so tired that I don't know if I have the strength to do what's necessary , whatever that may be. I need to make a list.
Resentment is probably the #1 thing I have to get rid of. Because I'm already resentful that the other side doesn't have a list ! Doesn't need one !

I'm sorry for you though. I also crave being in a healthy relationship and there are times I'd rather just not go on than be here with a person who can offer no meaningful emotional support. Prayin' for both of us.