[ewstewt]

Let’s start in around 2013, I was in high school and I met this Girl through mutual friends, I was not really interested in her, cause she was completely different type of girl than other girls I liked. She was deeply religious, purely good, had a lot of hobbies and a busy life. I was atheist, ambitious and my biggest hobbies were going out with friends (often to drink) and play video games. We met few times at some occasions cause she was my schoolmate's neighbor. We were just 2 people that knew each other and sometimes talked with each other. We talked most at 2014 new years Eve party, and I started to actually like this Girl (still in a friendly way) and I think she liked me too. This was really good night, before the things started to go bad in 2014.

In 2014 I was at the ending year of high school and my dad was diagnosed with cancer. After painful 3 months he died and part of me too. The high school was finishing and the first thing I realized after this loss, that I actually could normally live and just bury the pain inside me.

At this moment this Girl truly showed her kindness. She chatted with me about “just stuff” and even came to the funeral of my father. We didn’t chat a lot, but for me it was everything I needed at the moment even if I didn't ask for it (that’s why I still remember those chats 8 years later).

I successfully graduated and went to college. I think at this moment we were closest to each other and definitely friends. When I was freshman at the college and she was in ending year of highschool we eventually went to a date together (she would most likely say that it was not a date . There were some moments when this date was awesome. She laughed at my jokes and when she looked at me I felt it in my chest (I never experienced stare like this after that). She talked about how a successful life awaits me and how she is not so successful (i studied computer science and she studied music), I thought it was silly cause in my eyes she was the best. During this date I was already in love with her, so I started to be shy and she talked much more than me, but overall the date was good. She wanted to go home before 9pm but we were together there till 11pm and she didn't seem mad about it. After all these years i think i should go for a kiss because she clearly was interested in me.

After the date things started to go downhill. I started to be really pushy about the next date. She didn’t wanted to go because she was busy and she most likely really was. Eventually I started to feel not so close with her. I don’t know if I said something wrong or I just was not playing with her all along but after the date things weren’t like before.

This was in 2015 and we finally met with each other again in 2016. And I was again shy and I felt disconnection with her (it was just not like the first date, when I actually felt her favor). But I still asked her to go out on Christmas but the reply destroyed me. “She spends now most of her free time with her boyfriend.” I acted normally and not surprised at all. That night I couldn’t sleep and was really destroyed by it. Still it was expected at the moment, we were no longer close and she was really good and beautiful girl so had attention from many boys. After that I started research, because I hoped that she is just playing with me (hope is a *****, she wasn’t). I eventually reached out to her and I confessed with my feelings and “she didn’t know that I think about her more than a friend”. After that I just sent her some more silly messages and some birthday messages, but it was basically lost.

Fastforward to 2022 I still think about her more often than less. I still cannot love other women. And my hope that our paths will cross again still lives (hope is a ***** pt. 2). I had just yesterday really vivid dream about her . I don't often have dreams and certainly not with her. It was basically really long chat with her: how I failed that date, how I lost my chance, how I said something wrong, how I should kiss her, when I had a chance and stuff. I was really hurt after that dream, but still keeping my hope (like maybe I should reach to her, maybe she is not with her boyfriend anymore, no chance she will marry the first boyfriend, and stuff).

Today she posted a video from her wedding (yes just one day after that dream and I didn't know about the wedding before). I was not prepared to see that. I am destroyed and my hope is gone. The most devastating thing about it is that she probably does not even know how that video destroyed me. She is most important girl in my life other than family. And I am for her just one of many loosers that liked her. I want to be close with her again, but that’s not possible anymore. Part of me wants end of that marriage so I would have another chance but part of me wants her to be happy, because she deserves that (if she does not, nobody is). Part of me wants that she would have 3 children like she wanted, but other part of me is crying because it will not be my children. I am crying like a kid writing these words down.

I thank you that you showed me your kindness when I needed it. For you it was not a big thing because you are like that, but for me it was one of the most important things that ever happened to me. I loved you and I still am. I hope you will be happy even if it most likely not with me (hope is a ***** pt. 3).

I wrote this 2 days ago, today I am still destroyed. Please people just give me some kind words or advices.

[CANDC]

@ewstewt I am so sorry your dream has shattered. It must be rough for you to believe that your one chance has got away. I am not sure that is true because there has always been another relationship, but none of them were the same as the first one.

I had to change my expectations or get stuck at a certain point in life. I did not know how to relate to people especially women so that was something that took a lot of time to work on. Change comes slowly.

I had to express gratitude for that relationship and how good it made me feel even if I did not know how to go the next step. I was shy and clumsy with words, so I had to cut myself some slack and not judge myself. I had to tell myself I did the best I could and not be hard on myself. I saw them a couple years later and there was a friendly person that was married. I hope she got the joy and happiness she was seeking. And I had to let go. It was not easy but over a long stretch I found other things to focus on.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC

[DoroMona]

I sympathize with you. I also had someone in my life that I had such strong, long lasting feelings for, but it never worked out or turned into anything, despite us sort of keeping in touch. I'm now very happy with my significant other, a totally different type of person from that "crush". I've put a lot of thoughts into these crushes and the nature of these very strong feelings for people who you only see from time to time yet can't forget.

1) If you have too much of a crush on someone, it's hard to behave authentically with them. Their opinion matters too much and you're too afraid of making a mistake. IMO this dooms any possible relationship. It's better finding someone you can be yourself around. With my significant other, there was no crush at the beginning at all--we were just casual friends and gradually got closer by naturally reciprocating invitations to things in a very low pressure way. IMO that's why we're able to be so close now and know each other so well.

2) Holding onto those crush feelings can prevent you from meeting the person who is actually perfect for you. That's something I started reminding myself of, years ago, when I finally just wanted to get over it. That there might actually be someone out there who was actually perfect for me, and my stubbornly holding onto my feelings for this old crush was preventing me from getting there.

3) Take the fact that you have such feelings simply as a sign that you can still love/be excited about a person. That is, not a sign that that's the only person you'll ever love, just that you're still capable of it.


I hope some of this is helpful to you... I've been there. I'm happy to say that after harboring these crazy strong feelings for my crush for so many years, I'm finally over it. I'm not even sure I would take a call from him if he were to resurface. I'm just so over it.

[downandlonely]

You seem to be beating yourself over what you did wrong on that first date. I personally don't think you did anything wrong. It seems like she saw you as a friend and nothing more. That's not your fault. It happens sometimes.

It happened to me with a friend in college. We were friends first and I started to feel something more. I told him how I felt, and he told me he didn't feel the same way. It was tough, because it pretty much ended the friendship. We are still friends on Facebook, so I know that he is married and has a child now. I'm a little sad about it, but I also think we would not have been that good together. He is very religious, and I'm not. And it seemed that he did want biological children when I decided long ago not to have any. So he has found someone who can give him what he wants.

[ewstewt]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

You seem to be beating yourself over what you did wrong on that first date.

that's true, i don't think i made a bigger mistake in my life

the most devastating thing about the whole situation is the whole outcome, i really don't know what's going on in her life, i don't know what was she doing in the last 5 years. and i will probably never see her again and that's depressing. i want to talk with her once more, i want to see her smile once again, i want to say sorry to her for anything inappropriate i did to her, i want to help her with anything she needs, but i just can't