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Default Sep 28, 2022 at 06:14 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by ArmorPlate108 View Post
Have Hope, not sure if this will help, but going back and forth on ending a relationship is common. In Codependent No More, the author says that codependents will generally take the alcoholic back something like seven times. The same holds true for relationships with other dysfunctions. She says that's part of the process and nothing to be ashamed of. It's not only normal, it's sometimes necessary (her words).

You didn't let him come back because of a fault in you. If anything, it was the more giving aspects of your personality that gave him a foothold. That whole process has brought you to where you are now. It sounds like now you have come to a place where you are no longer second guessing yourself. That has to be worth something.
Thank you SO much for saying this,. It helps me immensely.

It's true I am no longer second guessing myself, but he's still trying to gaslight me, which is infuriating.

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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 05:56 AM
  #22
Of course, you already have experience in this issue. In how the dynamic takes place. It means you have information. Is it gonna to ensure you that you won’t fall again in the same mistake (in case it may be a mistake- I’m talking from what I’ve read here)? No. Sure you are gonna make decisions that may not be the best. Each one of us, make it.
The only way you may have an option to choose is when you are aware of something but also it’s needed you are ready to make this choice. So, it’s not so easy as we may think from the outside.

Only I see that blaming yourself is not FAIR.
Have you ever tried techniques of mindfulness of compassion?
I used to blame myself for everything. Felt shame. Even when people were mean with me. Doesn’t it sound absurd? I began to practise mindfulness. It’s a way to connect with yourself. Perceiving yourself without any blindfold and it helps to perceive others better.

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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 06:11 AM
  #23
@AzulOscuro, no I have not really tried mindfulness, though I am aware of what it is. I am trying to have compassion for myself. I think the self blame comes from my childhood. I was emotionally neglected by my father and basically was emotionally abused by him, and I think I blamed myself. So, this goes way back to something I became conditioned to believe.

What I think I need now is a very good therapist who can help me to overcome the abuse. I quit my therapist who never validated me. I told him I am not coming back.

And yes, you're right - it sounds absurd to blame yourself when someone else is mean to you. In my head I know that this has everything to do with the other person, and nothing to do with me, when that happens. But inwardly, I may blame myself nonetheless for something like that, and I will question myself.

I think abuse makes you question yourself on everything. This is now my work ahead - to undo the harm that has been done to me.

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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 06:16 AM
  #24
So, my husband is flying to California to be with his sick mother and his one living brother. He has no money to even take an uber ride to the airport, and no money to support himself while he is in California. He asked me if he keep pay less rent this month - I said no. He asked me if I could cover him for his trip and he will pay me back - I said no.

I told him I am no longer covering for him and that he has to figure this out on his own. Can't he borrow from his brother?

I also told him he treats me like a bank account. I have. been covering for him every single month practically and as of late - at least in the last 6 months or so, I would say. He would run out of money during the month, so he would have to borrow from me to get by. He always paid me back, once he got paid himself.

But this situation never made me happy. I know it comes down to him always living life beyond his means, which has consistently been an issue. And I am tired of it. I have covered for him, allowing this, each and every month. I gave up on trying to talk to him about saving his money and not overspending. He is impossible in this area.

I am glad I put my foot down and drew a boundary, but I feel slightly bad for doing so. I know I should not feel bad for drawing a boundary. At this point, we are not together, so why should I continue covering for him financially? He's going to have to figure this out on his own.

I guess this is a part of codependency? I have rescued him and have tried to fix him, all to my own detriment. I want to break out of this.

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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 06:35 AM
  #25
Yes I’d say it’s probably connected to the emotional abuse in your childhood. You are very likely right that’s why you feel bad about drawing boundaries too. You likely came to associate love with abusive behaviour. How can you be to blame for that?

It sounds like an excellent plan to get a good therapist skilled in childhood emotional abuse/codependency.
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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 08:37 AM
  #26
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@AzulOscuro, no I have not really tried mindfulness, though I am aware of what it is. I am trying to have compassion for myself. I think the self blame comes from my childhood. I was emotionally neglected by my father and basically was emotionally abused by him, and I think I blamed myself. So, this goes way back to something I became conditioned to believe.

What I think I need now is a very good therapist who can help me to overcome the abuse. I quit my therapist who never validated me. I told him I am not coming back.

And yes, you're right - it sounds absurd to blame yourself when someone else is mean to you. In my head I know that this has everything to do with the other person, and nothing to do with me, when that happens. But inwardly, I may blame myself nonetheless for something like that, and I will question myself.

I think abuse makes you question yourself on everything. This is now my work ahead - to undo the harm that has been done to me.
I do understand you.

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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 11:11 AM
  #27
Now he's pulling the pity me and feel sorry for me routine. At least I am aware of it while he's doing it and am not feeding into it.

He leaves Sat for 5 days and then I get to go away myself for one night with mom. So I won't see him for 6 days in total, which will be an enormous relief.

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Default Sep 29, 2022 at 10:10 PM
  #28
Shut off your phone.

At least fir 48 hours at a time.

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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 07:07 AM
  #29
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Shut off your phone.

At least fir 48 hours at a time.

RDM
I wish I could. We still have to deal with bills and rent together.

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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 07:11 AM
  #30
It's like the more he talks, the angrier I get and the more I lash out at him, accusing him of things. Yesterday he tried to claim he has "no one to talk to", even though I see him on FB instant messenger on and off all day long. You can see when someone is active on messenger - it tells you so. So he's lying. I tell him he's likely talking to single women, and he denies it. I don't believe for one second that he wouldn't immediately start trying to flirt and hook up with a single woman right now. We have an agreement that while we're living together, we won't date anyone. But I just do not trust him. Especially when he says he has no one to talk to, yet he's on Facebook messenger all day?!?

I have to back off and exit from all the drama. I cannot take it and it's just too much negative energy spent.

He leaves tomorrow for 5 days - YAY.

And today is my birthday - oh joy. I am trying to turn this into a good day for myself. I am going out tonight to celebrate with a girlfriend.

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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 07:16 AM
  #31
Happy, happy Birthday (mine was yesterday).....yes go out and celebrate! Remember anything he says....is a lie; he will continue to try and convince you what a nice guy he is. Also remember, abuse is a CHOICE. Most abusers only pick one one person (the one they are supposed to love), they don't do it to others, because they know others...would not put up with it.
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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 07:25 AM
  #32
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Happy, happy Birthday (mine was yesterday).....yes go out and celebrate! Remember anything he says....is a lie; he will continue to try and convince you what a nice guy he is. Also remember, abuse is a CHOICE. Most abusers only pick one one person (the one they are supposed to love), they don't do it to others, because they know others...would not put up with it.
It's also that they have to maintain the facade of being a good person to the entire outside world, except to the person they supposedly love... it's all behind closed doors for a reason.

But, now, he's trying to convince ME of what a good person he is. Not happening.

And I'm convinced he will continue to abuse the next woman. It's not just me - it's any woman, he will abuse.

And thanks for the happy bday wishes - happy bday to you too!!!

I will go out and will have some fun tonight, for sure. I'm having lunch with mom.

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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 07:30 AM
  #33
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It's like the more he talks, the angrier I get and the more I lash out at him, accusing him of things. Yesterday he tried to claim he has "no one to talk to", even though I see him on FB instant messenger on and off all day long. You can see when someone is active on messenger - it tells you so. So he's lying. I tell him he's likely talking to single women, and he denies it. I don't believe for one second that he wouldn't immediately start trying to flirt and hook up with a single woman right now. We have an agreement that while we're living together, we won't date anyone. But I just do not trust him. Especially when he says he has no one to talk to, yet he's on Facebook messenger all day?!?

I have to back off and exit from all the drama. I cannot take it and it's just too much negative energy spent.

He leaves tomorrow for 5 days - YAY.

And today is my birthday - oh joy. I am trying to turn this into a good day for myself. I am going out tonight to celebrate with a girlfriend.
So he sounds (being on messenger all day) like he immediately plugs gaps with other people? He says he’s lonely and that might be true, he might never have genuine connection with people, just using them to plug gaps in his day. Well done for spotting that pattern.

I hope you have a peaceful birthday and like RDM says maybe mute the phone (you can check later for important messages) to give yourself a break.
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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 07:37 AM
  #34
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So he sounds (being on messenger all day) like he immediately plugs gaps with other people? He says he’s lonely and that might be true, he might never have genuine connection with people, just using them to plug gaps in his day. Well done for spotting that pattern.

I hope you have a peaceful birthday and like RDM says maybe mute the phone (you can check later for important messages) to give yourself a break.
Not only that, but he's outright lying to me by saying he has no one to talk to. BS. He's on messenger all day and I can see him active on there. He's full of it. And yes, it's probably not even a genuine connection.

And thanks so much. I am trying to minimize any drama and negativity today. People are sending me happy bday messages on FB and my girlfriend was blowing up my phone this morning with her own drama. I need to step back from the phone, yes, and just enjoy the day...

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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 11:26 AM
  #35
You realised that you are unconsciously giving power to him? In every conversation by reproaching him how he behaves or making comments that gives him a reason to think you aren’t still firm in your decision to be separated from him.

It seems as you don’t still have things clear.
I do understand you though.

Let’s admit you are not still ready to make a choice. What about letting things calm down, engaging as less as possible in conflicts for now and get the support on a therapist specialised on trauma. Don’t rush or react. That makes you feel stronger for future decision-making.

Also, I would take in mind, always, that as much as someone may be mean to ourselves, in a two parties relationship, and much more, in romantic relationships, there’s always responsibilities on both parts.
I’m not blaming anybody, I have to make this clear, I want to mention what I think in general, and in particular ( from my own experiences). I’d always take into consideration the responsibilities on both parts to see the whole picture and a more accurate (objective) scene on what’s going on between myself and another person’s relation or communication. And when I say, responsibility, I use this term by its meaning, very far from guilty or blaming. Ok.

HH, I would accept what’s going on, I would change reactions and give myself the time enough to make myself clear.

In relation to your other post, about not lending him money to travel, whatever you could have done, it’s ok and understanding. Because it’s up to you, the boundaries you set. As long as this boundaries you set are not gonna go against your own well-being and principles.

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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 12:21 PM
  #36
Sorry this happened to you. I heard a similar story from a friend recently, that his brother invited his (the brother's) ex-wife to move back in with him. My friend warned his brother it was a mistake, the brother didn't listen, the ex-wife moved in...and they're fighting again, like cats and dogs. The ex-wife is now on the lease and the brother will probably have to move to get rid of her.

Some possible advice, moving forward, is that for the duration of your time together, keep a detailed journal about it. All the annoyances, nasty comments, fights, conflicts, etc. And when you're separated from him again, reread it anytime you find yourself tempted to reconnect.
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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 01:24 PM
  #37
@AzulOscuro, thanks, although that is not accurate. I am 100% clear on my decision. I am angry and bitter at the moment over having let him move back in, let alone having decided to marry this monster.

I am not unclear at all. I know what I want and I want him out of my life for good.

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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 01:26 PM
  #38
@DoroMona, thank you..... I do keep a good journal of all that's happened in our relationship - from day 1. So I can re-read everything at any time. I have catalogued ALL his behaviors. It does help tremendously to go back and review all the details because it's easy for me to forget the bad especially when he's nice and if I am lonely.

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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 02:04 PM
  #39
I wrote letters to my ex (not to send, but to get my anger out). Whenever I felt him pulling at me, or I felt lonely, I would read those letters. It always stopped me cold in my tracks from believing his lies or from feeling sorry for myself.

Write about how mad/disappointed you are at yourself in addition to what he says and does. I'm sure you don't want to be in this situation again. Do everything you need to do to remind yourself when you feel weaker about why the stronger you needs to win the battle.

Also, I found an app that prevented me from rage texting my ex. It was actually an app to prevent drunk texting and social media posting, but it worked. Go as no contact as possible and stick only to 'business' communications about bills, house cleaning, etc.

I hope you find peace and move forward towards happiness.
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Default Sep 30, 2022 at 07:46 PM
  #40
I’d limit talks about bills and rent to once a week. Bills don’t come in daily. I’d not talk to him more than need to. He knows how to drag you in by love bombing. Stay away from him. You can do it
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