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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 05:45 AM
  #41
Thank you for the B'day wishes, and I hope you had a nice time going out. You deserve it!
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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 06:21 AM
  #42
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I wrote letters to my ex (not to send, but to get my anger out). Whenever I felt him pulling at me, or I felt lonely, I would read those letters. It always stopped me cold in my tracks from believing his lies or from feeling sorry for myself.

Write about how mad/disappointed you are at yourself in addition to what he says and does. I'm sure you don't want to be in this situation again. Do everything you need to do to remind yourself when you feel weaker about why the stronger you needs to win the battle.

Also, I found an app that prevented me from rage texting my ex. It was actually an app to prevent drunk texting and social media posting, but it worked. Go as no contact as possible and stick only to 'business' communications about bills, house cleaning, etc.

I hope you find peace and move forward towards happiness.
Thanks so much.

And I need that app! lol. I've had a habit of drunk texting at times. Never a good idea!

No, I never want to be in this situation again. The stronger side of myself definitely wins.

I will write in my journal - everything. Maybe it will help.

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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 06:22 AM
  #43
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I’d limit talks about bills and rent to once a week. Bills don’t come in daily. I’d not talk to him more than need to. He knows how to drag you in by love bombing. Stay away from him. You can do it
He sure does know how to drag me in. I won't let him this time.

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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 06:23 AM
  #44
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Thank you for the B'day wishes, and I hope you had a nice time going out. You deserve it!
You're welcome! And I did have fun, thanks!!

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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 06:28 AM
  #45
So, he was trying to pull a guilt trip on me yesterday - on my birthday. He tried to tell me he is all on his own in California, dealing with his mom, with no support from me.

What am I supposed to do? Hold onto the relationship when I am no longer in love just because it's poor timing and his mother's health is failing? He's trying to make me feel guilty. I won't allow it.

And THEN, he even tried to tell me a story of how he was at a cashier, talking to the cashier, and they ended up talking about how her husband left 10 years ago and my husband was talking about me leaving, and he cried.

MORE MANIPULATION.

First of all, WHY is he telling me a story about a convo he had with a FEMALE cashier, when I am out with a friend on my bday having fun? Was he trying to deliberately trigger me and make me react????? And then to tell me that they both were crying together, or that he cried, well, what is that???? Trying again to pull on my heartstrings and manipulate my emotions?

I completely ignored that text. I did not react and I did not reply.

What a manipulative SOB.

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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 09:07 AM
  #46
I think I am implementing the "grey rock" method without even realizing it. I am ignoring his manipulative attempts, i am not reacting and I am not engaging. Only short, polite replies with no emotion. It feels good to take my power back!

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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 09:14 AM
  #47
So he goes shopping and while at the register talks to random cashier about his wife leaving him and then cries.

He must think you are an idiot and would want him back because if the story. If it’s actually true though, then he needs some serious help. So he has a therapist with whom he chit chats but then used random woman (I bet he’d not cry to a guy cashier) for therapy.

My husband is notorious over-sharer, the worst over- sharer I know, like he shows pics of our grandkids to people in grocery line, but even he wouldn’t engage in such embarrassing encounter. Crying at a register?

This guy is full of crap. It’s not true or he manipulates you or he needs some serious help
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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 09:50 AM
  #48
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So he goes shopping and while at the register talks to random cashier about his wife leaving him and then cries.

He must think you are an idiot and would want him back because if the story. If it’s actually true though, then he needs some serious help. So he has a therapist with whom he chit chats but then used random woman (I bet he’d not cry to a guy cashier) for therapy.

My husband is notorious over-sharer, the worst over- sharer I know, like he shows pics of our grandkids to people in grocery line, but even he wouldn’t engage in such embarrassing encounter. Crying at a register?

This guy is full of crap. It’s not true or he manipulates you or he needs some serious help
He is trying to manipulate me. Luckily, I see right through all of it and am not feeding into it. Grey rock.

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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 11:39 AM
  #49
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Social Anxiety and Depression. Cluster C traits.
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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 03:14 PM
  #50
He's gone for 5 days, today is day 1 and I already feel amazingly at peace. It's great to have him gone, at least for now. We're basically no contact.

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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 07:03 PM
  #51
Grey rock!
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Default Oct 01, 2022 at 07:46 PM
  #52
I'm glad you are getting a chance to feel balanced emotionally and mentally.

Just a tip for you, record the feeling you have now in whatever writing you do as a reminder when you are tempted by manipulation from your husband of how you feel moving away from him. I know you didn't ask for this advice. Personally, I think it's very helpful to record all your feelings so you can focus on moving forward toward happiness.

Enjoy the peace and quiet. You've earned the break from the drama.
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 04:58 AM
  #53
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I'm glad you are getting a chance to feel balanced emotionally and mentally.

Just a tip for you, record the feeling you have now in whatever writing you do as a reminder when you are tempted by manipulation from your husband of how you feel moving away from him. I know you didn't ask for this advice. Personally, I think it's very helpful to record all your feelings so you can focus on moving forward toward happiness.

Enjoy the peace and quiet. You've earned the break from the drama.
Thank you, @RollercoasterLover.

I did record these feelings - I think you're right that it's good to write this down as I feel and experience the good feelings again, and to re-read it, especially when he tries to manipulate me again.

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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 06:17 AM
  #54
So, here's my next concern and problem, and I need your advice on this one, please.

How do I survive the smear campaign that I know my narc husband will instigate with all his friends and possibly with our mutual group of friends?

I found an old text of his from the first time we separated, and he blamed me and my "drinking" and unemployment for the problems we had.

So, I am anticipating more blame and a smear campaign. I anticipate that he will tell everyone that I am "crazy" and "psychotic" and he will have some amount of evidence of it because I am on medications and have been hospitalized.

I don't know if I can simply just hold my head high in knowing he is wrong and lying to them.

What do I do?

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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 06:41 AM
  #55
You had the same concern last time you broke up.

Honestly who cares. If these people are of any importance to you like family or close personal friends, then they won’t listen to this.

If these are non sequential people then who cares? He was blaming you to his coworker. Is this coworker important to you?

People know that divorcing couples sometimes get nasty. Usually no ove cares. If any of my friends were divorcing and their spouses called me and said “ hey she’s crazy and psychotic”. What am I supposed to do with this info. I don’t care what’s happening in their marriage. Heck maybe she’s actually psychotic and on meds but it has nothing to with my friendship. I can still be friends

What’s going on in two peoples personal relationships is private. If he chooses to talk about it to whole lot of people you can’t really stop him (unless it effects your employment like if he calls your work). I think you can get lawyer involved if it effects your work. But if he blabs to his dancing buddies at the bar or his own coworker (or cashier in a grocery store), who cares

Are they going to stop talking to you because he said you are crazy? What kind of friends are they then? Why are they important to you then?
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 06:52 AM
  #56
Thanks @divine1966. What you're saying makes perfect logical sense. However, inside I am sickened by the thought. Just sickened. I am very much all about justice, truth and fairness. I get very upset by injustices and lies, especially when they're directed at me.

I suppose I have to just know that his friends are NOT MY friends, and that my true friends all know the truth. And our mutual group of friends? I just don't know what to do.

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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 07:02 AM
  #57
Repeating myself....he is going to do and say whatever he thinks will work to keep you his ""prisoner" He is like a spoiled child throwing tantrums....I mean talking to strangers and crying?
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 07:22 AM
  #58
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Repeating myself....he is going to do and say whatever he thinks will work to keep you his ""prisoner" He is like a spoiled child throwing tantrums....I mean talking to strangers and crying?
I know - who the hell talks so in depth with a store cashier and so intimately about their relationship or marriage????? He has NO sense of boundaries and is looking for pity wherever he can find it. It's pathetic.

I am still grey rocking him and it helps me maintain distance from him.

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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 08:24 AM
  #59
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Thanks @divine1966. What you're saying makes perfect logical sense. However, inside I am sickened by the thought. Just sickened. I am very much all about justice, truth and fairness. I get very upset by injustices and lies, especially when they're directed at me.

I suppose I have to just know that his friends are NOT MY friends, and that my true friends all know the truth. And our mutual group of friends? I just don't know what to do.
I get it. Not everything could be just logical. Of course it’s upsetting.

But you are asking what to do. There’s absolutely nothing you can do. Yes injustice is unfair but there’s nothing one can do in regards to what other people are saying or doing. Unless it’s becoming a legal issue. You have no control

There’s nothing you can do about him talking to mutual friends. It’s out of your control. If they want to be busy bodies and meddle in other peoples marriages, you don’t need them as friends anyways. And they know you two had marital problems and separated before so I doubt they’d want to listen on who did what. Let them talk.

There’s only one thing you can do. Not marry or get into relationships with types of people who do smear campaigns. But that ship sailed. Focus on what you can do, not on what you cannot. If you had a good therapist (not the one you have) it would be a great topic to discuss.

I get it you are upset but try to stay reasonable. It’s out of your control what’s he saying and to whom
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 08:27 AM
  #60
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I get it. Not everything could be just logical. Of course it’s upsetting.

But you are asking what to do. There’s absolutely nothing you can do. Yes injustice is unfair but there’s nothing one can do in regards to what other people are saying or doing. Unless it’s becoming a legal issue. You have no control

There’s nothing you can do about him talking to mutual friends. It’s out of your control. If they want to be busy bodies and meddle in other peoples marriages, you don’t need them as friends anyways. And they know you two had marital problems and separated before so I doubt they’d want to listen on who did what. Let them talk.

There’s only one thing you can do. Not marry or get into relationships with types of people who do smear campaigns. But that ship sailed. Focus on what you can do, not on what you cannot. If you had a good therapist (not the one you have) it would be a great topic to discuss.

I get it you are upset but try to stay reasonable. It’s out of your control what’s he saying and to whom
I know you're right. It is out of my hands, and I have no control over what he says or does.

I quit my bad therapist and need to find a new one who specializes in abusive relationships.

I also am thinking of moving out of state when my lease ends in June. I think I want a fresh start, somewhere that's only 1 hour north and still close enough to my family for visits. It could be.exactly what I need.

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