I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

divine1966 · Nov 25, 2022 at 07:23 AM

He’s weaseling in again. It’s not normal to wish your soon to be ex to have a nice meal (why does he know your plans for holidays?) . Even in the most amicable divorces, this just isn’t normal.

And didn’t he say he has no where to go? Again a lie. He had a thanksgiving with friends, which was obviously planned. He sends you pics of himself to get you feel lonely without him, jealous that he has company for holidays or even wonder if these friends brought single female for his company.

It’s all a ploy. To keep you hooked. I don’t understand you keep communicating with him on a daily basis. I get a need to discuss a lawyer bill but that’s not a daily communication. It’s one time thing. Ok maybe bills need to be discussed monthly ok maybe weekly, but why all this? It’s not healthy

He sends you a pic? Delete. Don’t respond. It’s obvious why he sent it. To keep himself relevant and to keep this back and forth nonsense going.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 07:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

He’s weaseling in again. It’s not normal to wish your soon to be ex to have a nice meal (why does he know your plans for holidays?) . Even in the most amicable divorces, this just isn’t normal.

And didn’t he say he has no where to go? Again a lie. He had a thanksgiving with friends, which was obviously planned. He sends you pics of himself to get you feel lonely without him, jealous that he has company for holidays or even wonder if these friends brought single female for his company.

It’s all a ploy. To keep you hooked. I don’t understand you keep communicating with him on a daily basis. I get a need to discuss a lawyer bill but that’s not a daily communication. It’s one time thing. Ok maybe bills need to be discussed monthly ok maybe weekly, but why all this? It’s not healthy

He sends you a pic? Delete. Don’t respond. It’s obvious why he sent it. To keep himself relevant and to keep this back and forth nonsense going.

I did not reach out to him. And I did reply initially, but then I stopped replying.

I agree it's all a ploy - I think the photo was sent to get me to miss him. All a manipulation. The good news is: I didn't feel a single thing and I wasn't missing him at all, not even when he sent the photo of himself.

I am trying to keep communications at a bare minimum. Now, there's little reason for us to be in touch other than about the divorce. I don't plan on contacting him, and if I do hear from him about anything other than divorce, I will grey rock him and will cease the communication.

The more distance I get the better off I feel. I am slowly healing and I am slowly recovering. I am still vulnerable though, so I know I need to be very careful in all ways.

RollercoasterLover · Nov 25, 2022 at 09:03 AM

It may feel out of character or even feel wrong to you, but any reply to any contact is a signal to him to keep contacting you. Responding to a happy Thanksgiving text with a reply was innocent to you. To him, and his narcissism, it was "I got her to notice me and now I can keep her attention!" Your attention is like a drug to him that he won't stop using until you refuse to be used. You acted like his supply, and until you don't act like supply, he will keep up his antics and manipulative behavior.

You have to stop thinking it isn't nice to respond when he communicates. You have to put your need for a peaceful no manipulation life over your desire to appear friendly towards him. He will ALWAYS disrupt your peace and try to manipulate you.

It isn't my intention to upset you or offend you. I know it may sound harsh, but reality is harsh sometimes.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 09:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover

It may feel out of character or even feel wrong to you, but any reply to any contact is a signal to him to keep contacting you. Responding to a happy Thanksgiving text with a reply was innocent to you. To him, and his narcissism, it was "I got her to notice me and now I can keep her attention!" Your attention is like a drug to him that he won't stop using until you refuse to be used. You acted like his supply, and until you don't act like supply, he will keep up his antics and manipulative behavior.

You have to stop thinking it isn't nice to respond when he communicates. You have to put your need for a peaceful no manipulation life over your desire to appear friendly towards him. He will ALWAYS disrupt your peace and try to manipulate you.

It isn't my intention to upset you or offend you. I know it may sound harsh, but reality is harsh sometimes.

Thank you for your input, and no it doesn't upset or offend me in the least! I understand what you're saying and now that I reflect on it, I didn't want to appear as unkind on a major holiday, when he could talk crap about me and tell his friends how unkind I am. I guess I still care about what others think of me, and I need to learn how to let that go - you have given me something to think about, to learn and grow within myself, which is a gift so I thank you.

Nov 25, 2022 at 09:39 AM

Prediction time: he'll eventually end up completely alone and nobody at all will ever trust him again, as soon as he develops something like dementia or altzeimers or whatever, he'll end up dumped in a care home cause nobody will want to look after him in his old age

it'll be one of the care homes where the people working there are only doing it for the money - some care homes are actually like that, certaintly over here in the UK

Nov 25, 2022 at 09:41 AM

compared with this: Have Hope finds a new partner one day and they both look after each other until one is no longer around, both looking after each other until the end

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger

Prediction time: he'll eventually end up completely alone and nobody at all will ever trust him again, as soon as he develops something like dementia or altzeimers or whatever, he'll end up dumped in a care home cause nobody will want to look after him in his old age

it'll be one of the care homes where the people working there are only doing it for the money - some care homes are actually like that, certaintly over here in the UK

Hmm... it is very possible that this will be the case for him. But, I am trying hard to not care about what happens in his life.... it's actually still a bit hard for me to accept him being with another woman, but I have to remind myself CONSTANTLY that I don't want that to be ME anymore, and that he will do the same exact things to her as he did to me. He won't change.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 10:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger

compared with this: Have Hope finds a new partner one day and they both look after each other until one is no longer around, both looking after each other until the end

Now that vision, I LOVE!

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 11:42 AM

That guy that I was attracted to who has a girlfriend? He just messaged me on LinkedIn, saying it was good to see me and that he's glad he went out. So, I wrote back in order to nip this in the bud. I told him that we can just be friends, and that I do not tango with anyone else's boyfriend. So I drew a boundary and am glad. I am not gonna mess with that crap.

Nov 25, 2022 at 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Now that vision, I LOVE!

not sure what your age is, but if your young enough maybe kids will become on the scene and they will help Have Hope and new husband in old age

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger

not sure what your age is, but if your young enough maybe kids will become on the scene and they will help Have Hope and new husband in old age

I'm 52 and don't want any kids, meaning I would never even consider adoption. I never wanted kids of my own, so that answers that one. lol.

divine1966 · Nov 25, 2022 at 05:05 PM

I don’t recommend people have kids so there is someone to take care of them in old age. Not a good plan for many reasons

But that’s a moot point anyways

divine1966 · Nov 25, 2022 at 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

That guy that I was attracted to who has a girlfriend? He just messaged me on LinkedIn, saying it was good to see me and that he's glad he went out. So, I wrote back in order to nip this in the bud. I told him that we can just be friends, and that I do not tango with anyone else's boyfriend. So I drew a boundary and am glad. I am not gonna mess with that crap.

And here is your answer. This dude is a jerk.

His good looks or attraction or what not meant nothing.

if my husband had a woman chatting him up at the venue it wouldn’t bother me. But if he went home, looked her up and messaged her how great it was to meet her and he’s glad he went out (glad he went without his partner and could talk to her?), it would be a different story. Inappropriate. You run into questionable people at these venues

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 05:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

And here is your answer. This dude is a jerk.

His good looks or attraction or what not meant nothing.

if my husband had a woman chatting him up at the venue it wouldn’t bother me. But if he went home, looked her up and messaged her how great it was to meet her and he’s glad he went out (glad he went without his partner and could talk to her?), it would be a different story. Inappropriate. You run into questionable people at these venues

Yeah I know. Not OK. And that wouldn't be OK with me either, if I were in his girlfriend's shoes. And that's who I am thinking of - I'm putting myself in her shoes. So I am steering clear!

unaluna · Nov 25, 2022 at 05:23 PM

Divine, you are so smart. Plus i thought it was a red flag that he messaged her on linkedin. His partner is looking at his facebook, not linkedin!

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 05:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Divine, you are so smart. Plus i thought it was a red flag that he messaged her on linkedin. His partner is looking at his facebook, not linkedin!

I told him we can just be friends, and that's it. Then I said why don't you connect with me on Facebook instead, basically trying to call his bluff. He won't connect with me on Facebook. I am sure, and for exactly that reason.

unaluna · Nov 25, 2022 at 06:39 PM

Oh that's interesting! Who knew Linkedin was the new ashleymadison?

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unaluna

Oh that's interesting! Who knew Linkedin was the new ashleymadison?

divine1966 · Nov 25, 2022 at 06:49 PM

I’d not suggest to be friends and if he attempts to take you up on friendship, don’t accept and stir away. He’s not after friendship and it will get twisted to make you look bad. I am very social and would talk to a lamp post and am out decent amount of time without my husband due to his work schedule. Nobody ever messaged me on social media saying how much they liked meeting me. The guy sounds like unsavory element. Don’t ever talk to him again. If his girlfriend starts questioning, he’d say you asked him to connect on Facebook. You’ll have bad reputation. Stay away from all these questionable people.

Have Hope · Nov 25, 2022 at 06:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

I’d not suggest to be friends and if he attempts to take you up on friendship, don’t accept and stir away. He’s not after friendship and it will get twisted to make you look bad. I am very social and would talk to a lamp post and am out decent amount of time without my husband due to his work schedule. Nobody ever messaged me on social media saying how much they liked meeting me. The guy sounds like unsavory element. Don’t ever talk to him again. If his girlfriend starts questioning, he’d say you asked him to connect on Facebook. You’ll have bad reputation. Stay away from all these questionable people

Yeah, I see your points.

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Anonymous32448 Guest Posts: n/a	Nov 25, 2022 at 09:41 AM #666 compared with this: Have Hope finds a new partner one day and they both look after each other until one is no longer around, both looking after each other until the end

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,382 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Nov 25, 2022 at 05:05 PM #672 I don’t recommend people have kids so there is someone to take care of them in old age. Not a good plan for many reasons But that’s a moot point anyways

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,871 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.4k hugs given	Nov 25, 2022 at 05:23 PM #675 Divine, you are so smart. Plus i thought it was a red flag that he messaged her on linkedin. His partner is looking at his facebook, not linkedin!

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,871 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.4k hugs given	Nov 25, 2022 at 06:39 PM #677 Oh that's interesting! Who knew Linkedin was the new ashleymadison?