I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

Here's me - proud of progress made, wiser and happier. https://www.screencast.com/t/xtyqbEzn6

Very attractive!

Aw, thanks so much.

.

I don’t know what happened between last night and this morning. I stayed home last night and had a great time by myself. I was happy and listening to all my favorite songs. This morning I woke up depressed over my ex. I am still attached to him emotionally and so wish he could be the person I wanted. He isn’t, and therefore I feel depressed. I also am thinking he’s with someone new, which also depresses me. I’m still trauma bonded.

Your beautiful, Have Hope

Awe, thank you, dearest willowtigger

I doubt he is with someone but even if he is?If he’s with someone else that fast, it has zero meaning. You could be with someone too. That one bozo from college or this dude, someone else’s boyfriend. It doesn’t take much to be with someone else especially if people partake in bar scenes. It takes no particular effort but also means nothing. If he already met someone and he’s not even divorced, it’s likely no good, stupid and useless. You should rejoice that you have smarts not to get hooked up with anyone right now. I’d not worry what’s he doing

Thanks, divine. All that you say makes perfect sense. I think I'm just having a down day. Yesterday was sooo much better. This is definitely a very up and down process.

I think I found at least one answer for myself to help myself. I wrote about this on my FB abuse forum, but I replied to a woman who was saying how badly she wants her abuser to reciprocate her love and for the love to have been real. What I wrote was that NPD individuals are incapable of love and do not know or understand what love is and what love means. The mental illness prevents them from being able to reciprocate.

This fact actually helps to loosen my own trauma bond. And it really works!!!

I also feel a bit better today, after having spent some quality time with family last night. My sister commented that I seemed more relaxed and more like my old self. She said you're not so consumed by worry about how your husband is feeling and whether HE is comfortable. Which was an interesting reflection on my relationship dynamic with my husband. And it's true - with every family gathering that my family had, I was constantly concerned with my husband's comfort level, & beyond reason. And it's because he made it that way. He would have a complaint, or would be unhappy about something. So I was constantly catering to HIM. Enough of that.

It was nice to hear my sister say I seemed like my old self.

So happy to hear!! 😃

I bet that this was because at any time he might make a scene and demand to leave...

Yes!!

This comment is very helpful to me when thinking about my mother. Thank you so much!

Thanks @Bill3! And yes, precisely that's why!

I am so glad I could help you! You're most welcome!

Those are all great points hope.

You can focus on yourself and your well being now. Not saying you should become selfish but you can stop making someone center of your existence!

I think there's a healthy selfishness that involves self care, self protection and self love, while still being able to be available and supportive to others without self sacrificing. That's what I am striving for!

I have a surreal feeling right now. I just bought an oversized and somewhat expensive bean bag chair for my living room. I made cookies today and went to the store. I had a very nice day on my own today. I feel like I’m supposed to be missing my ex but I don’t. I’m content and it feels surreal.

I think I've turned a corner in my recovery - I really feel I have made far more significant progress than even just 2 days ago!

I am wrapping my brain much better around the fact that my husband has a mental illness that prevents him from understanding or even knowing what love really is. It's like a light bulb that went off, and suddenly, all came together, all the pieces of the puzzle are together and it makes sense to me. He doesn't get it, nor will he ever get it. It's like trying to get blood from a rock, trying to extract real love from someone who has NPD. It's an impossible task, and they just cannot do it. And they became that way for X,W, or Z reasons due to a beyond dysfunctional upbringing. I don't feel bad for someone who has deliberately tried to tear me down. But, I just SEE. AND I SEE IT ALL NOW SO CLEARLY.

And honestly, it's the most liberating feeling in the world. I've had an "AHA" moment.

I'm so happy for you!! 😃

@Bill3, thanks!

Okay so yes, you acted on emotion rather than logic. That isn't a crime it makes you a feeling compassionate human being. We ALL do that sometimes. It would be nice if we were all logical all the time- but then we wouldn't be humans. Try to forgive yourself. I'm in the same position of facing moving forward. Trying to concentrate on enjoying the future ability to make my life exactly as I want it.

@Angry Fairy, thank you so much.

Yes, I acted on emotion and it wasn't logical.

Had I been of a more sound mind at the time, I NEVER would have taken him back after he had cheated. He blamed me for his decision to cheat, because I had called the police on him - and I somehow internalized and accepted that blame and took him back. I also accepted his lies by taking him back. I knew he was lying about his little affair, yet I dismissed it or buried it because I needed him.

I was desperate for help at that time... I needed help, and he was there, supporting me through an incredibly difficult time. UGH.

I know I must forgive myself for this, but it's still very hard to do that.