I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

RollercoasterLover · Dec 11, 2022 at 01:34 PM

You have value. We as humans don't see ourselves the way others see us. Count this guy as an experiment in discovering something about yourself you didn't know. All the things you listed are things that can and will change. And how you feel about those things...this guy helped you see some things you aren't happy with. He gave you clarity about yourself.

It's OK to grieve your marriage and wish things had been different. It's a sad reality though that not all wishes come true. Eventually, it becomes a happy reality though. You find new things to enjoy, you find new people to care about who care about you. It takes time to build a happier life. There aren't short cuts, but chocolate and satisfying experiences help along the way.

Have Hope · Dec 11, 2022 at 02:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Hang in there. Just focus on what you have and what you can do to improve. Not on the past.

Was the guy any good? Is he nice?

Ok and thanks divine. Yes, he is nice and is a gentleman. Just what I needed.

Have Hope · Dec 11, 2022 at 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RollercoasterLover

You have value. We as humans don't see ourselves the way others see us. Count this guy as an experiment in discovering something about yourself you didn't know. All the things you listed are things that can and will change. And how you feel about those things...this guy helped you see some things you aren't happy with. He gave you clarity about yourself.

It's OK to grieve your marriage and wish things had been different. It's a sad reality though that not all wishes come true. Eventually, it becomes a happy reality though. You find new things to enjoy, you find new people to care about who care about you. It takes time to build a happier life. There aren't short cuts, but chocolate and satisfying experiences help along the way.

Thank you… yeah, right now I don’t see my value. Maybe a need a new life, or a rehabbed life. I’m afraid to face what I have to face. It’s easier to go along with the status quo than to make big changes.

And yes, I’m grieving my marriage. It’s so sad to me. I’ve deleted all photos of him from the last five years from my phone and Facebook except for the wedding. It’s like I’ve erased the last five years and now there’s a big hole that I have to fill. It’s overwhelming.

divine1966 · Dec 11, 2022 at 06:41 PM

Is this guy possibly a dating potential?

Bill3 · Dec 12, 2022 at 12:15 AM

Have Hope · Dec 12, 2022 at 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Is this guy possibly a dating potential?

No - not someone I want to date. I don't want to date now anyways.

Have Hope · Dec 12, 2022 at 05:59 PM

I have to see my husband tomorrow. I’m dreading it.

Bill3 · Dec 12, 2022 at 06:01 PM

Hang in there!

Buffy01 · Dec 12, 2022 at 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

We had separated for 6 months and he moved out in November of 2020. There was an infidelity on top of abuse, so I kicked him out. He promised he would go to therapy with me and individual therapy for himself to make things right and to work on himself. He had owned up to the abusive behaviors, so I thought there may be a chance.

We got back together in June 2021, and he moved back in in March/April 2022.

There was a big fight in April that he started, which planted yet another seed of doubt. But we got past it and it was smooth sailing from May-August. Then in late Aug/Sept he started initiating fights with me - many fights, at lease once per week. He got nasty in these fights, called me names, insulted me, demeaned me, used gaslighting, projections, blame and accusations.

After the 5th or so fight, I decided I could not trust him to not be abusive. Therapy was a total waste, and he wasn't putting in true effort - he was only trying to appease me, I realized much later. He hadn't changed - not much and not enough. More broken promises, and I had had enough.

So, I've called it quits again and we are officially separated in the home. We are stuck together until one of us is able to move out, and our lease doesn't end until June. One of us being able to move out is complicated.

I am kicking myself for letting him move back in, and for letting this a-hole back into my life for a second time. I am very frustrated and am angry at myself for wanting to believe in him again, especially when his words are just that - only words and empty promises.

How do I forgive myself for doing this yet again? Now we have to go through the separation and moving process a second time. I cannot seem to forgive myself and I think mostly that I was being seriously stupid, acting on emotion vs logic.

How do I get past this self blame and guilt?

I’m sorry that you are struggling right now.

Have Hope · Dec 13, 2022 at 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bill3

Hang in there!

Thanks @Bill3.

Have Hope · Dec 13, 2022 at 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I’m sorry that you are struggling right now.

Thanks @Buffy01.

Have Hope · Dec 13, 2022 at 12:31 PM

Well that was rough. He started crying while inside the bank. Then he began telling me how he spends his time alone, and I said I didn’t want to hear about it. He said why are you so mean to me? I told him I assume he’s talking to women and is seeing other women. Then outside the bank he burst into a flood of tears telling me how he never cheated except for the one time two years ago. Again I told him I’m not trying to be mean but I don’t want to hear it. Again I told him he must be talking to women. He scurried to his car in tears and drove away.

Ugh.

Dec 13, 2022 at 01:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Well that was rough. He started crying while inside the bank. Then he began telling me how he spends his time alone, and I said I didn’t want to hear about it. He said why are you so mean to me? I told him I assume he’s talking to women and is seeing other women. Then outside the bank he burst into a flood of tears telling me how he never cheated except for the one time two years ago. Again I told him I’m not trying to be mean but I don’t want to hear it. Again I told him he must be talking to women. He scurried to his car in tears and drove away.

Ugh.

sounds like another manipulation tactic

i just realised - "manipulation" has the word "man" on the front of it

divine1966 · Dec 13, 2022 at 02:04 PM

He might not be talking to women but he’s not spending time alone. Even when he was telling you he had no where to go for thanksgiving he ended up being at friends house. So he’s lying. Plus it’s not our responsibility to make sure exes aren’t spending time alone. Not good enough reason to stay in a relationship or marriage

Have Hope · 04:19 PM

Yes it felt again like manipulation. And yes he is not completely alone, which I know is a lie.

I just had a very frustrating round of texts with him about the $1500 legal fee we are splitting. He was dragging his heels on wanting to pay the remainder that is his responsibility. He made things far more difficult. I am so irked by him right now.

He wanted to delay his portion of payment, claiming that the lawyer will still get going on the paperwork even with just partial payment. I don’t trust that and told him we must pay the full amount NOW. He finally, after much back and forth, sent the remainder due to my account. Argh!!!! I think he wanted to try and delay filing.

Buffy01 · Dec 13, 2022 at 06:05 PM

Hang in there.

Buffy01 · Dec 13, 2022 at 08:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Thanks @Buffy01. :hug::hug::hug:

Your welcome!

Buffy01 · Dec 13, 2022 at 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Have Hope

Well that was rough. He started crying while inside the bank. Then he began telling me how he spends his time alone, and I said I didn’t want to hear about it. He said why are you so mean to me? I told him I assume he’s talking to women and is seeing other women. Then outside the bank he burst into a flood of tears telling me how he never cheated except for the one time two years ago. Again I told him I’m not trying to be mean but I don’t want to hear it. Again I told him he must be talking to women. He scurried to his car in tears and drove away.

Ugh.

Maybe it times to break up with this guy for good.

divine1966 · Dec 13, 2022 at 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

Maybe it times to break up with this guy for good.

They are divorcing

Have Hope · Dec 14, 2022 at 06:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Buffy01

Maybe it times to break up with this guy for good.

Yeah, no worries there. I am divorcing him, like divine said.

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I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,380 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Dec 11, 2022 at 06:41 PM #744 Is this guy possibly a dating potential?

Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Dec 12, 2022 at 12:15 AM #745

Have Hope Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2017 Location: Eastern, USA Posts: 9,092 (SuperPoster!) 6 3,628 hugs given	Dec 12, 2022 at 05:59 PM #747 I have to see my husband tomorrow. I’m dreading it. __________________ "Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination" ~4 Non Blondes

Bill3 Legendary Member Since Mar 2009 Location: USA Posts: 10,924 15 24.1k hugs given	Dec 12, 2022 at 06:01 PM #748 Hang in there!

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,380 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Dec 13, 2022 at 02:04 PM #754 He might not be talking to women but he’s not spending time alone. Even when he was telling you he had no where to go for thanksgiving he ended up being at friends house. So he’s lying. Plus it’s not our responsibility to make sure exes aren’t spending time alone. Not good enough reason to stay in a relationship or marriage