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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 08:28 AM
  #61
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I know - who the hell talks so in depth with a store cashier and so intimately about their relationship or marriage????? He has NO sense of boundaries and is looking for pity wherever he can find it. It's pathetic.

I am still grey rocking him and it helps me maintain distance from him.
I bet he wasn’t even talking to a cashier. I shared it before that I had an ex who after all attempts to get me back, made up a story of being diagnosed with advanced cancer, going into surgery, not knowing if he’ll make it and he’s possibly dying. He had no cancer, no surgeries and wasn’t dying. Just saying
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 08:31 AM
  #62
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I know you're right. It is out of my hands, and I have no control over what he says or does.

I quit my bad therapist and need to find a new one who specializes in abusive relationships.

I also am thinking of moving out of state when my lease ends in June. I think I want a fresh start, somewhere that's only 1 hour north and still close enough to my family for visits. It could be.exactly what I need.
Not a bad idea. Check with your work if they are ok with you working from a different state. Some remote companies don’t care if you aren’t in a state but some do. Otherwise you could move within your state just further away. Sometimes fresh start is what you need.
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 10:53 AM
  #63
It sounds like your planning on having to defend yourself after your split is more widely known. That it's you vs him and the winner is whoever collects the most friends. It's not a battle and can't be if you choose to mindfully rise above it all. Simply put, don't behave the way he paints you to the world. You can't out argue a manipulator. They are masterful at taking your words and actions and using them against you. Stop giving him ammunition to use against you by not engaging at all. If he and the friends he collects in the end prefer to gossip and run rumors, you haven't lost anything worth keeping.

Win by being happier without him than you are with him. Practice these words "I understand that he is saying things about me. Thank you for letting me know. I appreciate your concern for my happiness." And let it go. Anyone who was trying to get you to react (aka manipulate you) isn't someone to be friends with. Anyone who tries to keep talking about it (aka manipulate you) needs a reminder that you are choosing to be happy despite what rumors he starts.

Prioritize being happy and let being right go. After all is said and done, do you want to have happiness or righteous indignation as the good thing in your life. You can't have both in a conflict.

All the best to you.
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 06:55 PM
  #64
Thank you all. Yes I will check with work about moving out of state. And yes, I’m anticipating a smear campaign. I also anticipate the great discard and him moving onto another woman very quickly.

Everything right now just feels painful. I think he’s already discarding me. He hasn’t texted all day - we have not messaged since yesterday. I finally blocked him on Facebook messenger because I saw him on it all day - probably talking to women is my guess.

Today I’ve felt lonely and depressed. I think I’m trauma bonded to him. I miss the good parts of him but I know logically it’s all a facade. And the bad far outweighs the good. I just feel very lonely.

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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 07:17 PM
  #65
The best thing I can tell you in front of the possible gossips someone may spread about you. In this case your husband, is what it has been mentioned: People who listen to a rumour and spread them or believe them without testing are so guilty as the one who began it all. So, they aren’t worthy in your life.

Then, in regards to how to take it. I know it’s tough and unfair, but most of the times, the best battles are the ones that are not fought. It will be made stronger not to react.

There are millions of people out there. I’m sure you can get real friends. Anyway, don’t discard the possibility of these friends of your husband being decent people. You don’t still know.
Never lose hope, HH

P.S.: I also had always a high sense of justice but it took me to make errors and sometimes I lost more than I won. And put fairness and justice over people and the second change everyone deserve as a person.

When you .know someone commit an injustice with you. Feel sad but console yourself. You have the right to be sad and feel bad but it will pass, before you believe by not intervening. You will grow stronger. .

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Mankind is complex: Make deserts blossom and lakes die. ( GIL SCOTT-HERSON)
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Default Oct 02, 2022 at 11:46 PM
  #66
Let me get this straight. He loves you so much, he can't live without you, and he also badmouths you to your mutual friends?

Look at it this way: the more he badmouths you, the less you will be tempted to let him back in!!

Here is an idea: tell people that you are taking the high road and not getting involved in a word war. This will be healthy for you and also it subtly reminds them that he is taking the low road, and they will also be reminded not to believe everything he says.
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 05:48 AM
  #67
Thank you @AzulOscuro. What you say makes perfect sense, so thank you for writing that. It helps!!



@Bill3, he hasn't badmouthed me yet. I am just anticipating this because I know he did this the last time we separated, but to his own friends. I like your advice - thank you!!


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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 07:12 AM
  #68
I'm suffering from anxiety every day now, and I don't know what it's about - I don't know if it's anxiety over being alone in life, or about a potential smear campaign, or what. It's really annoying and I've had to take meds every day to calm it.

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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 10:25 AM
  #69
Last night a came across a really good term for badmouthing and any other aggressive/intentionally negative actions after separation:

post-separation abuse
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 12:53 PM
  #70
@Bill3 that sounds about right.

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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 05:32 PM
  #71
Feeling anxious is normal under the circumstances. It doesn’t mean it is east. But it’s understandable .
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 05:39 PM
  #72
I think I have a fear of abandonment. I’m anxious about him trying to connect with other women while we’re still living under the same roof. We agreed not to date, but I see him on Facebook messenger all day and wonder what he’s up to on there and if he’s trying to connect t with single women. It’s making me anxious. I don’t need to be hurt any more than I have been. Narcissists are notorious for discarding and immediately replacing. I have a fear of this. I’m alone and am dealing with the emotions of the breakup. If he’s already moving on it’s not only deceitful but it’s just plain wrong and hurtful.

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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 06:21 PM
  #73
Well if he’s already looking for women, then it’s another proof he’s not trustworthy. I doubt he is already dating though. He has no place to live staying in the same house with his soon to be ex. He can’t afford anything and borrows from his wife. How can he afford to go on a date? Who’ll date him? He’s obsessed with social media and spends too much time on there. It’s not real life. His real life sucks. You might want to stop looking on what’s he doing if it bothers you. He likely just throwing pity party crying poor me I am so lonely to everyone who’ll listen. Pathetic
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 07:26 PM
  #74
I don't have Facebook (gasp) so I'm curious how you know he's using messenger all day and not just logged in but not actually using it. Can he tell you've been watching his activity? Is he watching you watching him?

What he's doing and who he's talking to isn't really important to your future. Wasting your time, energy and sanity focusing on him and his activity isn't going to bring you to your best life. Besides, it's what abusers hope their victims will do... return the focus onto them so things can continue.

Focus on you, your life and your future.
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Default Oct 03, 2022 at 08:10 PM
  #75
That’s a good point. He might be doing it on purpose knowing you’ll see he is on there. He knows how to play the game luring women in. Don’t fall into the trap. He’s pathetic sitting all day on Facebook. Seriously, a grown man.
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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 05:59 AM
  #76
@RollercoasterLover, I can tell he's on messenger, because messenger lets you know when someone is on. I"ve blocked him now on messenger so that I'm not tempted to watch him on there and to protect myself from getting upset.

@divine1966, I am pretty sure he's talking to women on there and is trying to gain sympathy or attention. That's what narcs do - they discard you and immediately find a new target. Although, of course I don't REALLY know - it's my guess because this is what he did the last time we were breaking up. He immediately found someone who would take sympathy upon him.

@AzulOscuro, I think it's entirely appropriate for members here to dislike and talk poorly about my abusive narcissistic husband. He has abused me, he has cheated on me, he has lied to me numerous times, he has insulted and demeaned me, he has gaslighted me , he has used me, and he is just plain awful, deep down. Most members here are aware of the entire story with him and this has gone on and on for years. I don't think it's unfair or wrong for people to respond to all the bad and awful things he has done to me, in support of me.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Oct 04, 2022 at 06:14 AM..
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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 06:34 AM
  #77
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@RollercoasterLover, I can tell he's on messenger, because messenger lets you know when someone is on. I"ve blocked him now on messenger so that I'm not tempted to watch him on there and to protect myself from getting upset.
Thanks for the info about messenger. I think blocking him as a means of protecting yourself is a good choice. I get that there are some things you will need to communicate about until some things are resolved/finalized. I think limiting the communication channel is your best option.

You have a few more days of peace and quiet. I hope you take some time to relax and take care 9f yourself. Do something that brings you peace or joy.
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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 06:39 AM
  #78
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Thanks for the info about messenger. I think blocking him as a means of protecting yourself is a good choice. I get that there are some things you will need to communicate about until some things are resolved/finalized. I think limiting the communication channel is your best option.

You have a few more days of peace and quiet. I hope you take some time to relax and take care 9f yourself. Do something that brings you peace or joy.
Yes, protecting myself is what I must do now. He can message me on my cell phone and that's it.

I am trying to enjoy this time without him, but I feel very tense in knowing that in a few days, he returns and I have to deal with him.

My anxiety is through the roof right now, and I don't quite understand it.

Maybe I am worried that he can destroy me. Right now, I'm in rather good shape, relatively speaking, but if he instigates a smear campaign OR gets with a woman and breaks our agreement, I worry what that will do to me. It's probably why I am SO anxious these days.

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Default Oct 04, 2022 at 01:52 PM
  #79
He called and freaked over me telling him to move out by November 1. I offered to cover the cost (and he will pay me back) if finances are holding him back from moving out sooner than later. He said, yes that’s why, and I told him it’s not healthy for us to continue living under the same roof for very long. He then went on to say why is this happening and how is this happening. He still doesn’t get it, even after I’ve told him several times.

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Default Oct 05, 2022 at 06:24 AM
  #80
Everything revolved around my husband, in every way. And I became socially isolated. He didn't see friends, so I barely saw friends. I don't even have many local friends, which is what is bothering me right now.

I'm going to have to make a whole new life for myself without him. I don't want to date. I want to heal. I want to go out, socialize with people and be independent.

I am trying to find a new therapist, and that's proving to be difficult. I NEED a new therapist to help me through this.

AND, we're approaching winter. I am worried that I will be lonely and depressed. I think I am already depressed and even that is making me more sad. I can't and won't go back to him, but what am I facing in my present and future seems dark.

I feel very alone.

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