I let him back in and now I am kicking myself

Honestly, from reading your posts, you are not at all through the grieving process. You are still pissed as heck (which is one of those grieving stages btw). Yes, you are over "him," but you are not over what this major change in your life has done to your life.

I noticed as I was reading through your last few posts that you plan to get off of the dating websites -- probably a good plan for a while, and that you are going to work on just developing friendships and doing some other outdoor activities. Also good plans.

One of the main points made over and over again in the grief community is "Do NOT go into a new relationship for quite some time" and they mean at least a year or more. Yes, we are talking about actual deaths, but it seems like that advice holds well for divorce.

Take the time to find yourself WITHOUT a man. Another man isn't going to help you figure out YOU. It will be like putting a bandaid on a gaping wound -- that wound needs more than a bandaid, and a bandaid on a bad wound will not heal the problem, could cause you to neglect the wound, may be absolutely the wrong "fix" for the wound, and will inevitably fall off. If the wound underneath isn't truly healed, you kind of have to start all over again.

Take the time to figure out YOU. I was married to my husband almost 35 years. It wasn't a perfect marriage, but it was a good one. But I went from college to marriage pretty quickly, and since his death -- coming on two years ago -- this has been a process of figuring out who I am without that constant companion. Yes, it's a very "alone" place to be, but sitting with that, sitting with myself, has been so important to healing. I'm pretty comfortable now with being independent, individual, unattached me. That doesn't mean I don't miss my husband -- that pain will always be there -- but I am content to be with ME. That has taken time and the process is ongoing -- almost two years later.

Slow down. Figure out YOU . . . independent, unattached you. Your grieving process from divorce is going to go on for awhile. That's pretty normal and completely expected.

For the record, I am working on myself and my life. I have more to do, and I am just beginning my new life. I feel great! I am happy, and I am in fact ecstatic. I am fine without dating and am happy to not be dealing with it all. Too negative for me. At least on that one website.

Sounds amazing.

Thanks @Buffy01!

He told me yesterday that he signed the divorce paperwork. Then he told me I am irreplaceable and that it's very difficult living without me. Which tells me that he IS likely trying to replace me with someone and quickly. I've heard countless stories of narcs moving on really fast to another person, for more supply. So I am sure he is on dating sites or what have you. I still felt a tiny tiny twinge of like - oh, so you're looking for someone. But ultimately, it's OK. I don't actually mind that much if he's dating or seeking companionship. I know what it's about and I know it's about gaining supply. And I know he will treat the next person the same exact way. He'll be charming in the beginning and will love bomb them like crazy, then slowly over time his facade will drop and his mask will fall off. Then he will reveal his true self - once the woman has already committed to him. I know the drill.

Yes, all the experts say to not date for a year, especially recovering from a narcissistic abuse relationship. They say to become indifferent to them. Your thinking about what he is doing now is the opposite of indifferent.

If he can say something to you and it ruins your day or causes your emotions to change for any noticeable amount of time, he is in control of something. Indifference is no emotion. If he speaks to you and it causes anger, that's not indifference. If he finds another woman and it causes jealous feelings, that's not indifference. If his actions (not responding to a text) causes frustration, that's not indifference. It’s normal to feel some things.

I've learned that healing is about the damage caused. Indifference is about the scars that are left behind, accepting them and knowing you can't change how the scars came to be you can only change how the scars affect you. And not letting them affect you allows you to be indifferent.

I hope that you focus on your relationship with yourself. From an outside perspective, saying your choice to relax vs drinking on NYE was lame and kicking yourself for being taken in by promises are forms of self criticism and self punishment. You don't deserve to be criticized and punished.

I am not a robot or a machine with no feelings and no emotions. I don't understand how it cannot effect me in any way when he's being manipulative, passive aggressive or is gaslighting me. Of course I'm going to get angry and react inside. I am an emotional, feeling type of person. Indifference in that way seems impossible & unrealistic - at least for me. I don't think it has anything to do with my healing. It's that he triggers me, and I need to steer clear of communications with him. I am better off when we're not communicating.

He told me yesterday that he signed the divorce paperwork. Then he told me I am irreplaceable and that it's very difficult living without me. Which tells me that he IS likely trying to replace me with someone and quickly. I've heard countless stories of narcs moving on really fast to another person, for more supply. So I am sure he is on dating sites or what have you. I still felt a tiny tiny twinge of like - oh, so you're looking for someone. But ultimately, it's OK. I don't actually mind that much if he's dating or seeking companionship. I know what it's about and I know it's about gaining supply. And I know he will treat the next person the same exact way. He'll be charming in the beginning and will love bomb them like crazy, then slowly over time his facade will drop and his mask will fall off. Then he will reveal his true self - once the woman has already committed to him. I know the drill.

It was a smart move.

Ghosting? Ghosting would be if you provided silent treatment, left without warning and didnt answer his phone phone calls. You told him you didnt want to be married, explained why and you continued communicating (even though you weren’t required). That’s not ghosting

Ghosting is what HE told me I did. But I mainly agree with you.

I know! That’s why I am saying how is it ghosting? It’s not.