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QuietRobot996
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Default Nov 04, 2022 at 11:08 AM
  #21
Well, here's where we are today. She straightened up for a month for no reason, then started sneaking drinks again yesterday (bought a handle of Vodka at Trader Joe's). She kept me up all night pacing the house listening to music - I work at a hospital, and am on-call this week - so you can imagine the sleep deprivation I'm on right now. I need to vent to get my head straight.


I have since put a door lock on the one room where all my stuff is. She broke 2 guitars (I fixed them both) and threatened me physically with my cordless drill this morning. I notified her parents again of her drinking complete with a text including the vodka bottle. According to her, her parents "recovered the $5000 for her mental health" as a result. She's going to find before too long she has nobody to turn to if that's true. THis whole nightmare kicked off last year with a "suicide attempt" when she took some pills from an ex-bandmate's girlfriend that she was still friend's with (I was in the band, not her), and got committed to an asylum after the hospital I worked at failed to hold her for 72 hours. After that, her car got totalled - the whole situation was really shady and weird, almost seemed like corrupt cops mixed with her drinking (she did not take a breathalyzer test and wishes they had - which is one of her "covers" is to say "I wish I had a drink" if I call her on it, or "That cop never tested me, WTF?"). I bought her better used car with the insurance money - when we divorce, which is what I'm starting down the path over again today, she gets to keep it. I'm happy with my older truck that's solid and reliable.


ADHD is what she says she's been diagnosed with. She's currently on Sertraline for sleep, Propranolol (as a "placebo" or so she says), Zoloft, and some kind of ADHD medication. For a time she improved taking it, now she does not take it consistently - usually because she's been drinking. That's how I have found out. Her "reasons for drinking "Change constantly, one minute it's because of her parents, next minute my parents, then me, then how I don't sleep with her anymore (it's kind of hard to be attracted to someone this erratic - it's not sexy at all). Part of how I can tell when she's bought vodka is all of her symptoms come back because she's not taking her medication on a consistant schedule. She's also on water pills for her liver - which yo-yos because she starts drinking again, gets ascities and sometimes jaundice, sometimes needing paracentesis at the hospital, then goes back home, stays off the booze for awhile, gets thin and fit, acts normal, and then starts it all over again.

Sometimes it feels like the utilizes her alcoholism as a form of manipulation. She used to constantly claim she was a "master manipulator" - I though she was joking - apparently it should have been a red flag and she for once in her life told the truth.


Right now - the main two things I need to do is get a separate bank account from our joint one, as that's where she's getting money for alcohol, I know that "divorce" can take from any new accts, but this is more for the alcoholic problem. Yesterday I had to take out a $300 signature loan because our grocery bills are more expensive than they should be for what she bought - even WITH inflation. Then I need to get storage for my personal stuff I don't want damaged/lost/stolen/pawned/whatever other stupid **** the woman might do. I already have a padlock, and I don't have much I intend to keep - in a way, I want to "clean house" a bit in all of this and get ready to be a hermit the rest of my life. I'm done with love.
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Default Nov 04, 2022 at 12:50 PM
  #22
@QuietRobot996 I’m so sorry you are going through this (((caring hugs))). Being married to an alcoholic takes a toll on one’s mental health. There is nothing you can do and your state of mind that you have expressed is sadly common and if you look for Alanon meetings near you, you will meet others like yourself at different stages of accepting and healing. Statistically, most marriages that has a person that is alcoholic ends in divorce. This is a VERY selfish narcissistic disease. The relationship IS all about the alcohol and there is no room for any kind of normal healthy relationship.

And there is ALWAYS a reason to drink as alcoholics are always THE VICTIM. And yes! They can get mean and even cruel at times. Also, as is the case with a narcissist, because you know the truth, you are the bad guy. They are DISORDERED people. And tend to be addicted to the drama too. They tend to be very immature and needy people.

You really need to distance yourself for your own mental health. It’s normal to not want any relationship, that’s because this disease leaves a partner emotionally exhausted. Some even develop ptsd because as you describe they get stuck in hyper vigilant state and become sleep deprived.

It’s time to let go.
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QuietRobot996
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Default Nov 04, 2022 at 06:14 PM
  #23
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
You really need to distance yourself for your own mental health. It’s normal to not want any relationship, that’s because this disease leaves a partner emotionally exhausted. Some even develop ptsd because as you describe they get stuck in hyper vigilant state and become sleep deprived.

It’s time to let go.

I'm trying to distance but it's nearing meaning leaving our apartment. She tried to bust down the door on numerous occasions, threatened me with a cordless drill in the shower, and scratched up my arm with her fake nails she put on on halloween. And that's just this morning.

Right now she's texting and calling, telling me not to call, then trying to get me to pick up the phone and argue with her at work. She blames lack of intimacy one minute, then says I'm a liar/manipulator the next - funny since all I've done is spoken the truth in this scenario (not hard to do when you're ready to go). Considering calling a crisis hotline because today has not been easy and this is really raising my anxiety levels.

What's ****ed is she had "a session" with the APRN from the psychologist she belongs to and now that APRN is suggesting a book and filling in for her therapist because she seems to hate every one SHE picks and then wants to change a couple months later.

Her parents got dragged into this when we tried to have her committed last year. They drove up 5 hours to put her in behavioral health. Most peaceful 5 days I had in years. She started off doing the work. Now her parents are on HER side - or so she says - and is using them to manipulate me so she can control the narrative and drive a wedge between everyone. Seriously, I'm done, **** relationships, **** family.
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Default Nov 04, 2022 at 06:32 PM
  #24
That situation sounds almost impossible. Is there anyone you can stay with? Sounds like you fear for your safety staying with her.

No point in asking an alcoholic why they drink. They will make up all sorts of reasons, but the truth is they don't have a good reason. It's an addiction.
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Default Nov 04, 2022 at 08:04 PM
  #25
If she has been getting physical you may need to have a restraining order put in place.

I believe you! Some people get mean and abusive when they drink.
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Default Nov 04, 2022 at 10:29 PM
  #26
I am very cautious about suggesting that someone I meet online (or IRL) should leave or divorce their partner without having full knowledge of what's going on, because many times leaving or divorcing can backfire if it's done prematurely.

I understand that you don't have children, but how long have you been married? When did all of this begin...before you married, after? Were you ever a drinker yourself?

Have you asked your wife if you may accompany her to an appointment with her therapist or other provider?

Perhaps she has a diagnosis of BPD - but perhaps she has bipolar disorder. Or schizoaffective disorder, or psychosis, or...?

Much of what you've described could fit the bipolar disorder category - and some people who have bipolar disorder actually do exhibit only mania. Alcoholism/addiction is extremely common with bipolar disorder - as it is with a number of mental illnesses. And/or PTSD.

My point is that none of us here can diagnose your wife. You cannot diagnose her. Only a mental health professional (or a couple of them) can make such a diagnosis.

You're clearly in an agonizing and traumatizing marriage. You are clearly very angry at your wife and the situation. Totally understandable, and I certainly get that. But before you jump the gun and leave I believe there are steps to take. What's going to happen if you leave and your wife begs you to return? What about being in therapy yourself?

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Default Nov 04, 2022 at 10:38 PM
  #27
btw, the "restraining order" threat is tossed around a lot. The unfortunate truth is that unless there are minor children involved, in my own experience the cops won't do jack if one spouse in a couple takes out a restraining order.

Another thought, however - I do not know the law about domestic violence in Nevada. Here in California there is a severe crack-down on it. If the police are called in and there is any evidence of physical abuse (nail scratches, for example) somebody will be arrested.

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Default Nov 28, 2022 at 09:16 AM
  #28
I'm usually all about working things out and seeing both points of view....that being said...some of the things you outline actually red flagged for me. I know this term is WAAAAY overused. And I'm not suggesting it is correct.......BUT......it sounds like you MIGHT be dealing with a sociopath. In that case, I'm so sorry but there is no saving that relationship. Even counseling tends not to work with them. IF again IF that is the case with her, I have read some things that suggest the inability to feel emotion is something they are born with and that lack of internal regulation leads to this behavior. I'm so sorry for all your pain.
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QuietRobot996
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Default Feb 02, 2023 at 07:32 PM
  #29
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I'm usually all about working things out and seeing both points of view....that being said...some of the things you outline actually red flagged for me. I know this term is WAAAAY overused. And I'm not suggesting it is correct.......BUT......it sounds like you MIGHT be dealing with a sociopath. In that case, I'm so sorry but there is no saving that relationship. Even counseling tends not to work with them. IF again IF that is the case with her, I have read some things that suggest the inability to feel emotion is something they are born with and that lack of internal regulation leads to this behavior. I'm so sorry for all your pain.

It's starting to seem more and more like it. Right now I have a separate bank account, and a storage locker (which she is aware of but her name is NOT On it) to protect any assets I may own.


I got the storage locker today after she texted me an aggressive but more tactful than usual message about a lot of **** that I have brought up before - turning it around on me. She's now screaming "Divorce" at me as well. Well, I already have the paperwork done and written, and an application form for web filing to the 2nd district court. All I need is to figure out who to tap for a Resident Witness and I can file. It's just, I have issues of my own that cause that problem because I don't have any real friends I can rely on, I don't like getting close to people anymore and this marriage is the reason why.

It's extremely hard living at home right now. The door to the den is duct-taped together after the last time she went on a wrecking spree. She's damaged my mental health quite a bit as well as I'm starting to have a short fuse temper and I broke her guitar after she trashed the house (I built her a guitar, and she's not stopped talking about it since it happened). I'm starting to have bad issues with anger, anxiety, and have had a little suicidal ideation to go with it very recently. Everything feels to bleak right now when I'm there. I can't enjoy everything, I have to be on eggshells - she says the same about me, she would not have to be if she just left me alone. I have nowhere to go yet. I'm trying to save for another apartment - by myself, if possible.

She makes living with her worse because sometimes she's totally sweet and nice and it's like the times when everything was smooth sailing, and other times she's in the hallway throwing slurs at me, saying my mom did it with me or I did it with my mom, and how my mom wants me back home so bad (she doesn't and neither do I), about how her parents hate me, then they love me when she's happy. She paces the hallway off/on all night when she has these mean episodes, and while I'm numb to the words, I'm still bloody terrified and have my phone at ready to dial 911 if she ever tries breaking property again or tries to attack me. These episodes are followed up by her begging me to get back in bed with her because she "Can't sleep without me", so I do, and then she starts on tirades about my family and other people I used to know that I've either cut out of my life, or who left. But then there comes a point that she starts groggily attacking me in the middle of the night verbally about my family, friends, and she starts over with all the slurs and verbal abuse. So I move back to the den and blockade the door since it no longer latches to the frame anymore since she kicked it in.

She was supposed to be treated for this pacing and verbal abuse late at night as it was a part of why she got admitted to a psych ward a year ago, but I'm not sure she's honest with everyone about her diagnosis. Her parents knew about a sleep disorder and did ****-all about it for her as a kid, nor her endo which is a major aggregator for her behavior (her hormones go out of whack). Lately I thought she might have relapsed again but I can't find any alcohol in the house, and the "alcohol like" behavior now seems to be happening WITHOUT alcohol.


The toughest emotion is what I'm going through trying to process all this ****. On one hand, it's bittersweet, because I might finally get free of this mess and get to be alone again, where all the stresses, social headaches, nightmares, and hearsay of a married relationship will finally be gone. But on the other hand, I can't help but shed a tear for what once was. Once upon a time, she was actually a lovable person, but I just can't deal with it the way it is now. We were the "power couple" in our social circle, now people still THINK that but we've hidden our issues well.

A major trigger of all her crap is her friends. Her sister is married and has kids, we can't have em' and did not want em (But in some way she still does), her best friends are having affairs, getting divorced, and I have to listen to all this **** incessantly even though I don't care and deem it not our business. Any day something happens in one of these arenas...she's "triggered", and it's so stupid because one of the vectors is her parents who should know better. I feel like I'm sinking in a sea of immaturity and I want out. To make matters worse, my 73 year old Single mom decided to post all our personal and confidencial conversation on Facebook (hearsay but still) for the whole world to see.

So I'm suffering, struggling, I have nobody to vent to or discuss anything with except random professionals more interested in my money than finding a solution. I just want this all to be over.....in any way humanly possible.
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Default Feb 03, 2023 at 12:31 AM
  #30
To answer your question, a person can engage in toxic behaviors even when they are not actively consuming alcohol. This is called dry drunk behavior.

You sound like you have developed ptsd from dealing with such an unbalanced and unpredictable person. Yes! Alcoholics and addicts can get very mean and can get physical. Alcoholics can black out where they do not remember what they did while drunk.

People that develop alcohol addictions can have ADHD and Bipolar and ptsd and also have personality disorders. It’s common that they choose vodka thinking they won’t smell like booze and they even carry a flask in their purse often full of vodka they nip on at work.

I believe you! I believe you feel helpless and lost and alone. I have personally felt it myself. This is nothing you can fix. People die of alcoholism often in their fifties, some die younger.

The person they are most dishonest with is themselves.

Have you tried to attend any Alanon meetings? Often you can not only find support but people that know about resources you probably don’t know about.
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