Grieving my marriahe

This really, really hurts. I still love this woman. I can still see her through all this. I can still see the qualities that I wanted when I married her. I've felt so much of everything she has gone through for years, all her depression, and pain and illness, and I've just tried to find solutions and prayed and hoped for a change and tried to be what she needed.

What the heck happened in the last two years?

@RDMercer you are NOT breaking up your family, your wife is and your children are suffering because of this.

I find it hard to believe a counselor is not pointing this out to you. You have been codependent and you are expecting your children to be the same way.

You need a therapist that specializes in this that you and your children can get help from together.

I believe you! It’s painful to witness someone we love decline like this. I have seen this pain when I went to Alanon meetings.

Your wife needs to have a complete physical including seeing a neurologist. She also needs intensive therapy.

I am wondering if you are developing Stockholm’s syndrome. You need more help then what you are getting.

I have times when I can feel everything you just said, and times that I can't. Today I can't. A couple of days ago I felt stronger.

There are things she says that hit me because they are true... Or kind of true.

Did I fail to support her after her most recent surgery. YES. But I received so many late night beratings that I couldn't stay in our room anymore.

Did she fail to get the deep emotional support she needed from me in the last two years. YES. Because I began to protect myself more because I could no longer be functional as a worker and parent and take that much anger any more. I couldn't be as patient as she needed and take that anger. I was breaking.

Did I violate her trust by lying and watching p0rn. YES. But it was 10 years ago and it can't be the topic that wins every argument since.

Have I failed, gotten angry too quickly, missed a key moment to be supportive multiple times. YES. I'm human, and I'm stretched thin. I've also gone for really, really long stretches without a single positive word from her.

Did I say stuff, or ever roll my eyes or use the wrong tone, when talking to one of the kids about Mom. YES. I have had moments, MOMENTS, of weakness. I have also bottomlessly supported her and failed to give the kids what they needed.

Did I go reasonable ($150 budget for gift and meal yesterday), instead of big, and did I fail to finish cleaning the bathroom. YES. She's divorcing me, we have a car that needs a ton of work just to keep getting to work in it, and my arm is wrapped up. I did what I could.

I talked to my pastor a few months back and divulged all my sins and wrongdoings. He responded with, You're a good man. I see it here at church, I see it in how much your kids love you, I see it in how affectionate you are with them, and I see it with how easy and natural that all is. I cried so hard. Writing about it I'm crying. He heard all my sins all my questions about myself and told me I was a good person.

I just watched some YT videos on trauma bonding.

Wow. Just wow.

That hit close to home.

Not sure if this will be helpful but reading your last post and the validation you got from the pastor, really I don’t see that it should be a question of you being a good person or not. You shouldn’t feel like your character is on trial here. It’s a marriage breakdown not a criminal trial of one person.

Your previous post about your wife comes across to me as a one sided litany of complaints about your short comings. I’m not reading acknowledgment of her contribution to relationship difficulties? Does she acknowledge her contribution?

Your wife treats you as though it IS a criminal trial against one person. I agree that you are a good person and that this was validated by the pastor. We all make mistakes and blunders - we're human. But to constantly throw in your face how you have failed in the marriaage, and to repeatedly refuse to give you any positive reinforcement and validation is sheer cruelty. I think you're in love with the version of the wife you saw when you first met - all an illusion of someone who has not been that person for many years. Perhaps it's even a fantasy of qualities you wanted that you thought she had. But she is an alcoholic and she treats you like dirt or the scum on the bottom of one's shoe. No matter how much compassion you can have for her difficulties, her behavior towards you is unacceptable, her treatment of you is HER responsibility and is not your fault. I know you can't think of her as an alcoholic, but she drinks excessively and every single day - she likely cannot live or exist without a bottle. And that is alcoholism.

It is great that each of you (other than your wife) are in therapy. I so wish you and the kids could be in family counseling so you could learn to handle the situation as a team.

I have stated many times on this forum that I will not suggest to someone that s/he leave a relationship based upon the little we know here, on the forum. Upon reading over your family life, specifically your relationship with your wife, if everything is as you present it (I am NOT intimating that I don't believe you, only that I have happened across some shockingly strange situations online), I firmly believe that you and your children are living in a genuinely traumatic situation and that there needs to be a separation.

I am not suggesting divorce, only that you and your wife live separately for enough time that you (and she) decide the next steps to take. It may be that you need to pick up the kids and move to an apartment. Not easy, but I've done it myself and it can be accomplished. It really can, and loads of people do it.

It may take a firm decision from you to awaken your wife to reality, and to subsequently get professional help for herself. It's pretty clear that while her alcoholism is a huge problem, there are other things going on with her. That she has connections with friends tells me she isn't isolating; she knows how to have relationships, and does so well enough that (I assume) her friendships maintain. So her focus, resentment, bitterness, is solely on you and on her marriage and immediate family. To me that may rule out mental illnesses that cause, for example, paranoia or delusions. It sounds like she has developed a "negative fixation" on you. Essentially, an obsessive fixation regarding, for example, the porn. She seems to be unable to let go of that fixation because it truly is an obsession.

Something else that comes to mind is that at her age she may be approaching (or in) a really rough menopause. IF she would speak with her gynecologist hormone therapy could change her overnight. Menopause is seldom discussed, but truthfully, it can pack a very, very severe wallop.

I really think I injured my wife badly years ago. I can play the victim with trauma bonding, but God knows I was both hurt and hurtful in the first half of our marriage.

I really changed. I became a much better person. I feel true remorse for the things I did wrong, and changing mattered and matters to me.

Thanks for your support. I'm checking out of here for a day or so to clear my head.

Understand it can be hard to talk about. It’s concerning how hard you are on yourself. I think your children feel this way too.

Your thread is here when you need to talk things out.

Yeah...I genuinely believe that your marital/family problems are much too deep for a group of people who hardly know you, don't know your wife or family, don't have full knowledge of all the circumstances, and so on- can give you solid guidance on how to proceed. All I can firmly state is that there are major issues that need attention ASAP.

I truly wish you and your family the best. There IS hope.

Beth,

I agree.

I've felt so much turmoil for so long that this was a space to just talk. Anonymously.

I can't afford counselling very much. 10x a year for me.

I wouldn't talk to anyone who knows us because I wouldn't speak poorly of her to anyone.

That’s understandable! You sound like a private person and want to be very careful about others in your community knowing your personal challenges. I felt that way myself. However, you would be very surprised at how many other families experience similar challenges.

I can feel the pain you feel as I read your words. I was married for 11 years and it took 2 or 3 years to fully get over the hope that I had for so long, that I eventually lost. It is a very painful moment when you want to go back and fix something, only to realize that there is nothing left to fix…

Hang in there. Take comfort in the fact that there is a huge opportunity for growth here, though I am sure you in all likelihood don’t feel that right now. Whenever a door closes, there is virtually always a little window that opens, if only we look hard enough…

Well..... I don't know who to talk to about this. Like I said, I won't go to friends and family because I don't want any influence from them, and I don't want anyone to be polarized against me or her.

Two days ago my wife and I spoke and she told me she was shouldering too much of the blame for our relationship status and was made to look bad to the kids. I gave it an hour of thought, then approached the kids and spoke to them about my contribution to how things were at home and apologized, and assured them their mom loved them so much.

My wife and I talked again yesterday. She agreed to three months of intense couples therapy with a final decision to be made the end of February if things are worth saving or proceed with a divorce.

I talked to my oldest this morning. He got very hurt and angry.

Things he told me....

His work has counselling services. He's taken his siblings with him to counselling without our knowledge a couple of times because he felt they needed it and he wanted to compare notes with them. He said, I don't think I love mom, I think I love who you told me mom was. He can't be in our house anymore. He can't take any more of mom's anger at his dad. He can't take the effect mom's anger has on my mood, and me then being short and angry with the kids. He and his siblings hated my apology and explanation to them two days ago because it was just another example of me taking blame and mom not. Once he leaves the house will not be in contact with his mom again for a long time. He feels any change that we see will be temporary and things will fall apart again and we'll all be caught in it. He and his siblings have talked about the divorce, and standing up in court to say they don't want to live with their mom and they are ready to do it.

In the past two days his mom has told him he can leave as much of his belongings as he has to at home if he is transitioning to an apartment next year, and talked to him about getting another pet for the household.... While talking about divorcing and selling the house. He said he can't take that insanity any more.

How much of this is an accurate interpretation of what has gone on in our home? How much of this is just an angry frustrated young man who has never been in a big relationship? How much has he influenced the other kid on a course of action and on what they've seen?

Or, what if he is right about all of it? What if I'm THAT person, and this is one of the seven times I am going back to a bad situation?

I'm scared. I'm scared of finances. I'm scared of not having a home. I'm scared of losing other things that I look forward to everyday, like our house and neighbours and the space we have. I'm scared of losing someone that knows me better than anyone. I'm scared of losing my shared history and blended life with this person. I don't have any family or deep connections in this town. I'm scared of not having someone when I need them. I'm scared of losing hope.

RDM

It’s natural to be scared imo, I think I would be too.

It sounds like your adult son has taken positive action by getting to counselling and encouraging his siblings to come too. It’s not for me to say you should be proud of him, but i hope that you are.

I think it’s wise to believe your son’s perspective. To not believe him would be dishonoring him and invalidating the experience he has with his mother. Your son is clearly in a lot of pain over how your wife treats you. Believe his words. That’s my two cents.

Who are you (or her) to determine whether your children have presented an "accurate interpretation" of what's happening in your house? It's how they feel and how they are perceiving their home. It just IS.

If you want them to perceive something different, then something different needs to occur, not another counselor, another period of time where at the end the SAME thing is going on.

You said above that you can't really afford counseling for yourself - so why are you going to take her to counseling? It's a waste. If there's a counselor to be employed here, it should be one for you ONLY.

And stop discussing your adult problems with your children (adult or not). Just the fact that your oldest took siblings to counseling tells me you are unable to see how they're being affected by your marital discord. It's sad.

Save your children first, then save yourself. You are the adult here, fix this.

Yes, there are budgets for everything, including counselling.

If she and I are to enter counselling I'd have to borrow the money.

It was necessary to speak to my son about this. Not for his input and advice, but because he has asked me to leave with him. He has to be informed what his mother and I spoke about and what the plan is to move forward.

I understand what you are saying too about what a person's lived experience is. I also know that a person can be overwhelmed and fail to view something objectively. There are things I failed to see in the bigger picture at his age as well, and my emotions ran high at times and I failed to see things as objectively as when I looked back as an adult. I suffered depression at times. I can look at those times and realize my emotional responses didn't match the inputs, so to speak.

The younger kids go to individual counselling too. At $100 a pop this gets expensive fast. I appreciate big kid taking them and talking to a counselor together but I do have to be concerned that he isn't influencing them too much.

I'm caught. It's that simple. I've told my wife for over a year that things are escalating for him. I can't leave him unsupported as a young adult. He feels like he is going to break. I can't "be there" for both of them.

I really think something happened with my wife. I think there is mental illness there that isn't being seen or treated. Things were really hard for a long time, but they got a lot worse in the last two years and especially in the past year.

And through all this I feel like I am having my heart ripped out of my chest.

I've tried to look after HER through a lot, and the KIDS through a lot. Now I have to choose.

This sucks.

Thanks everyone. I'll update you about outcomes.

RDM