Grieving my marriahe

If she is in a mental health crisis, then being a defensive so-and-so isn't the right course of action. Acting and thinking from a place of love is important.

I'm going to speak to her about this tonight. I expect one of two possibilities: she will agree that he needs support and understand that, or not be receptive to seeing things from his perspective.

If it is the second one, regardless of if she is in a crisis, I think I am going to have to leave.

I am wrestling with this so much, in part because right now I feel more at peace after talking to my wife yesterday and getting a more reasonable response.

BUT I KNOW a person can reach a point of conditioning that they return and return to a bad situation just because it is familiar.

I admire your desire to take steps to make sure your wife is not suffering from a mental health condition that creates these moods where she lashes out. I believe I mentioned a physical and neurological evaluation should take place so you have some clarity on her condition.

It would also be a good idea for her to have a blood test to see her hormone levels. I know first hand a significant drop in estrogen can severely affect a woman’s mood and can even cause depression

I stand firmly by my original contribution to this thread: According to what you have posted here I believe that your children are being dragged, by you, into the middle of the relationship that belongs to you and your wife - your marriage. Children must come first. You are putting yourself and the strife of your marriage before your children, and the price for doing that will ultimately be a heavy one.

Hi Beth,

How do you convince someone they are having significant memory gaps? How do convince them they are confusing words sometimes? How do you convince them their reality and memories are wrong?

How do you convince them they have extremely angry outbursts that they claim they have no memory off?

What if this person has early onset alzheimers? Or a brain tumor? Or has had a stroke? Or a medication reaction?

This progressed for over two years. Initially I thought it was a mix of chronic pain, depression and sleep deprivation.

She had surgery a year ago and pain and illness have improved over the course of the last year.

The kids got dragged into the middle of this, first, when the oldest got caught in one of these memory glitch situations in February. Then some more after.

Youngest got caught in one around first week of September, in front of me. When I pointed it out to mom, her reply, in front of kid was, your father does this to make me think I'm crazy. When I said that's not true, mom asked for a divorce in front of kid, saying that I am lying and manipulating her, and far stronger things. Youngest went to big brother immediately.

Then it was all dumped out in the open from the kids to mom. She HAD to hear it from someone else because she'd built a narrative that I was sneaky and manipulative and lying. She had to hear it from the only other people who witnessed it.

Do you know what it's like to be terrified for the brain health of someone else?

What kind of person am I to leave at that time? What if this is really, really serious? Maybe this is a personality disorder,or maybe she has a brain injury. We don't know. How do you leave the kids in that situation? One parent can't abduct them.

I've taken a ton of crap for a long time from her. Now what if she's in a brain health crisis?

I've done this with two elderly family members before, one with dementia, one with a stroke. If you've experienced that, this is similar, except for how intermittent it is.

I've been past my limits for a long time, and questioned my OWN version of reality in therapy for months.

The kids had to voice their reality to her. She had to hear it for there to even have a possibility of a medical solution.

Thanks for listening

RDM

@RDMercer I see your concern and this past year my FIL got diagnosed with dementia and he would have these intermittent bouts of confusion.

A person can develop early onset dementia/Alzheimer’s.

How old is your wife?

That being said, I have also witnessed strange episodes when someone is abusing alcohol too. I have seen these blowups and strange behaviors in blackouts. Blackouts are scary because a person acts strange and genuinely doesn’t remember what they said or did. And some can get real mean and verbally abusive.

Years ago a friend told me “if you argue about alcohol with a spouse/partner THERE IS A PROBLEM”. She left her husband and he died of alcoholism “Young”.

Same with a friend I had, died at only 50 years old. I tried to help her and even went to meetings with her. She kept going back to drinking.

You can’t make a person stop.

Now when I come across this problem be it IRL or on the net I distance for my own mental health.

What kind of surgery did your wife have?

I know what it's "like" a lot of things. I know what it's like to be married for forty years to a severely mentally ill man who also has extreme PTSD from his time in infantry in Vietnam. He flatly refuses any type of treatment - while I have struggled with my own mental health challenges, remaining in treatment for the past 42 years. And I know what it takes to raise successful children who have two parents with mental illnesses. Do I know what "it's like" to fear for the brain health of someone who is precious to me? Yeah. I help care for my older sister who has developed dementia this year. So I know a few things. I was born in the afternoon, but not yesterday afternoon.

I maintain my opinion. Based upon what you've posted here, and in my opinion, you are parentifying your children. You are making your children the adult you need to be. Take charge and fix your situation or don't fix your situation, but please stop dragging your kids into the mess. They are not your peers.

Easy,
Beth

Your wife is an alcoholic. Severe crisis you describe, or whatever you call it, is a behavior of an addict. She also needs an evaluation for potential personality disorder. Her memory glitches could be alcohol induced as well as skillful manipulation. None of that excuses her outrageous behaviors though

She also created a situation where you can never leave as she is fully dependent on you and you’d have to support two households. If there was no you, she’d be forced to get and keep a job like the rest of us. She’s not on disability (which she probably knows she’d not qualify for). And at this point knowing about possibility of divorce, she’ll be sure to never work or apply for disability because that might make it easier for you to leave or might make alimony smaller. No way. She’d be moping on a couch from now on forward. She knows what she’s doing. Making sure you can never leave

Your children sound very responsible and wise in this situation. Living in turmoil and chaos and now being dragged in a middle of your marriage they are the only ones maintaining sanity.

Do you have any family members or friends who can take care of your kids removing them from your home? The adult child can’t really take care of the young ones. Although it sounds like he’d do a good job, he sounds very responsible. You don’t want to leave her, fine, don’t. But get the kids out of your household please.

It must be overwhelming for you right now.

I know you’ve written about therapy being unaffordable for yourself right now, but it sounds like you could benefit from some real life/face to face support. It’s understandable you don’t want to talk to family and friends about your personal relationship.

Have you looked into other options for low cost/free support? I’m thinking about Al Anon, NAMI, Co Dependents anonymous. There may be others, I’m not in the US sorry. It can be useful to talk to others going through similar situations, at the least you might feel less alone. You deserve more support than you seem to be getting (as do your children) imo.

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966 .... Do you have any family members or friends who can take care of your kids removing them from your home? The adult child can’t really take care of the young ones. Although it sounds like he’d do a good job, he sounds very responsible. You don’t want to leave her, fine, don’t. But get the kids out of your household please.

This ^^^^^

RDMercer are you ok? Your history is such that you had a lot of exposure to alcoholism and were treated as your feelings don’t matter. You show many signs of believing it’s your fault if someone else’s needs are not met.

You deserve to have your own feelings.

Hi @RDMercer hope you did not get scared away from your thread.

No, I'm not scared away. I just needed a couple of days to let the swirl in my mind settle.

RDM

My concern for you is the amount of self blame you share. This is actually common in children of alcoholics along with trauma bonding.

There is often an underlying problem in individuals that become alcoholics. It can develop at surprisingly young ages so these individuals tend to be very emotionally immature. There is also a lot of denial involved including playing the victim and blaming problems on others

It’s not surprising you became more aware of how bad things really are during the pandemic It was especially hard on individuals who’s lives revolved around visiting certain hangouts where they are around others that also drink and hangout.

I noticed how it was hard on individuals that have replaced the hangout lifestyle with AA meetings. The pandemic shut all of that down and people had to find other ways to fill that need. Zoom meetings were created and then meetings outside with bonfires. And some returned to using alcohol sadly. Some think they can control their drinking but after a while they end up where they left off.

As I mentioned, there can be other underlying issues involved like a personality disorder or bipolar or ADHD and over the years I have seen different things and tons of excuses. And there is nothing you can do to fill this need in someone that has this problem. And it’s very common to get blamed as these individuals discover the power they get from playing the victim.

“Addiction, in any form, is often rooted in a desire for control. Despite its alluring promises, it provides the opposite. It temporarily numbs the symptoms of emotion being avoided and cloaks the truth, which would restore balance to the individual

*J.Mike Fields*

He/she made me drink, snort cocaine, smoke pot ect. That’s a lie, it was A CHOICE.

Addicts gaslight others about their drinking. They gaslight themselves.

Well, a couple of things.

First, for Beth. You've been through a lot, and have seen more than me in your life I think. I've done a lot to protect my kids in a lot of ways, and have questioned every decision I've made. Perhaps I was too defensive in my response to you. I didn't intend to cast any shade on the experiences you were drawing from in your comments to me.

The second thing... I really began thinking and analyzing every time I may have said or done something to steer the kids towards me or away from their mother. Like... Every tone, every eye roll. Anything I did that effected their relationship and perception of their mom, because I didn't want that. I want unity.

But.... She has never acknowledged the effect of all her anger and irritability towards me on my relationship with the kids. I'm shredding myself for my contributions, and have apologized a bunch. But her hours of cursing me out behind closed doors and how THAT has effected how the kids view their dad is never spoken about. I've said things like, I'm sorry for the tone I used with your mom. It was disrepectful. I shouldn't have, and you shouldn't in your own homes. There's never been a time she's apologized to the kids for what she's said to me.

Yeah, I think I've done wrong. I also think I've accepted more blame than I should have.

And any push-back from me to say, I don't accept that blame. Let's talk about your contributions to the issues, have been met with suggestions to divorce since years. I've been coerced into accepting more and more blame.


I've posted on here when I'm basically in a period if being utterly overwhelmed and I have no other outlet.

I appreciate your concern, but when I'm not here it means I'm ok and I'm accessing real life supports.

This is really scary and uncertain, and I'm so scared to give up all the things I fought and worked for for so long.

Thanks everyone

RDM

@RDMercer, actually there are a lot of people who feel the way you do and stay because they don’t want to lose everything they worked hard for.

Just so you know? Your wife knows this and taps on it with her divorce threats because she gets power from doing so.

I think divorce was a threat to cause panic in me for a long time.

But intentionally or unintentionally it grew past that.

RDM