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Open Eyes
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 11:36 AM
  #441
Earlier in this thread you shared that you children are afraid to drive in the car with her.

She may be getting careless with her drinking. It’s important to listen to your children. Drinking throughout the day is a sign of AUD. Also, the affects of alcohol change with age. Your wife is around 5o? The body really changes once someone hits 50.
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 11:39 AM
  #442
Now that you sat with a lawyer you know your rights. She can’t force you and your children out of your home.
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 11:43 AM
  #443
The challenge may be keeping her from coming back.

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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 11:49 AM
  #444
You should ask your lawyer about that. She did choose to leave. You are legally separated?
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 12:53 PM
  #445
I don't know where we're at with legalities, to be honest.
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 02:01 PM
  #446
If you were legally separated you would know it. You do have your own lawyer that you talked to the other day right? You have rights, so your wife can’t bully you.

Different states have different laws. It’s good to make a list of questions for your lawyer so you are clear about your rights.

She left, I don’t think she can just expect to move back and take over. She may need to look for a smaller affordable rent like a studio apt.
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 03:54 PM
  #447
If no one filed for legal separation or divorce, then no one could make you sell your house let alone move out. You need a lawyer. Not talking to a friend who’s a lawyer. You need to hire a lawyer.

You keep saying you talk to a lawyer. That’s a friend who’s a lawyer, not your lawyer. It’s like if you need to make doctor appt but you’d say you already spoke to a doctor. He goes to my gym and we chatted on a treadmill. It’s not your doctor.

It sounds that you have nothing done legally yet. She moved out and lives elsewhere.

Are you expecting her to come back? Do you want her back? If not, time for legal actions. Take a bank loan to pay a lawyer. Either start legal actions or reconcile.living in a limbo is no good. And if she moved out, you need to change locks. She can’t just show up if she doesn’t live there
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 05:10 PM
  #448
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 05:51 PM
  #449
Quote:
Originally Posted by RDMercer View Post
I haven't read all the replies yet, but...

I wrote and deleted a letter to her about 10x before posting that on the forum.

Then I went outside and worked hard for about 2 hours.

Then I shut off my phone for a day.

And WOW did I feel better by Monday.

Then I met with my lawyer who said:

Good luck getting a judge to push a happy adjusted family out of the family home. You're probably there until your youngest is done college. At which point your wife is entitled to half the value of the home at the time she left.

Your wife is voluntarily underemployed. She's been given ample support and time to complete an education. She also already HAS an education worth over $100k a year depending where she lives. You have the kids, so it is her CHOICE to not earn that. Therefore, you owe her little to nothing in spousal support. She can actually be expected to contribute significantly in child support to you.

She won't want to see that be argued in court, or have the court hear about her reckless driving and day drinking, so you're probably years away from a settlement.

If you DO end up owing her support payments, the fact that you assumed all the responsibility for the family, and the responsibility for maintaining the home and paying off debts will offset anything she'll be owed.

Oh. My. Goodness. 😀
I am assuming this is from a meeting you had with your lawyer correct?

Last edited by FooZe; Mar 13, 2023 at 06:14 PM.. Reason: fixed broken quote tag
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Default Mar 13, 2023 at 08:30 PM
  #450
I had a lawyer on retainer. He was not very good. I met with him several times.

Since then I've had consultations with three lawyers about my case, talked to two lawyer friends, and now have one of the lawyers I consulted with on retainer.

I can't imagine her pushing her way back in, although I go through moments of fear.

The kids won't live with her. If she does show up back here I'm sure there are legal grounds to have her removed. That would be very very hard and heartbreaking to do.

One of my lawyer friends told me liquidating the family home can easily be deferred for a looooong time. He has a client where the youngest is 25 and still picking away at college, so they can't liquidate the family home until he's done post secondary education.
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Default Mar 14, 2023 at 08:56 AM
  #451
This fear you experience is not bad, it’s very uncomfortable but it’s not bad.

I believe you are a good person and you genuinely love and care. Yet if another person be it a family member, friend, or spouse doesn’t have these qualities they are repulsed. They play a roll to get others to think they care but they don’t and can get cold and angry about it.

It’s very much like hiding an addiction problem which is why alcoholism/addictions are so similar to narcissistic behaviors.

You do not want to be mean or cruel and controlling, you genuinely care. This is not something a narcissistic individual can do. You were just a servant and it never mattered how much you loved and cared, you were to service and that is all. No amount of love and genuine caring is going to change this dynamic. This is the root of what makes you feel crazy and confused.

It’s power and control a disordered individual wants most. And like the alcohol, it’s never enough. They will even buy you things but not out of love, instead to control. Your wife doesn’t love or care about you. This was NEVER because you were unworthy. Actually, there is a kind of jealous involved in that you can love and care and she can’t. Yet, she may play some games of sweetness to get her needs met or just to feed her ego.

Your children know, they just don’t know how to articulate it. They want to be with you because you are safe. They deserve to feel safe and have boundaries so they can figure out who they are and build healthy self esteem.

You deserve the same.
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Default Mar 14, 2023 at 07:40 PM
  #452
You won't believe me, but...

It wasn't always like this.

There were always things that were high maintenance or difficult to navigate. I was expected to serve her a lot. My codependent background primed me for that. But I think she really loved me.

But yes, things were one sided in a lot of ways.

The stuff I said about vitamin B1 dementia, or alcoholic dementia, it really, really rings true. That has symptoms of loss of empathy, loss of higher order thinking, and feelings of paranoia.

The kids told me some very, very strange paranoia stories this past week.

"
It’s power and control a disordered individual wants most. "

Wow.... Wow..... Wow....

She has tried SO hard to be dominant and controlling.

I'm so used to giving in to keep the peace. Now it's beyond repair and I have the kids to focus on.

It is blowing her mind that she isn't getting her way with every request she's making.

I believe I see her, the real her, the her that's beneath all the alcohol damage and the trauma she grew up with. I can see her, and she IS wonderful and beautiful. Years ago a counselor identified that I was willingly accepting abuse because I was hopeful for a change.

Things aren't going to go her way, they aren't going to happen on her schedule, she won't get everything she thinks she's entitled to, and the world is going to crash down on her. I'm scared it will break her, and her friends won't be there.

She's not evil, she's damaged. But she can't pull us all down with her, and her damage can't keep effecting the family.

Disordered people don't like boundaries. They don't like "no".


Oh.... An update..... I've successfully kept my distance from the attractive woman who was so complimentary to me. Some of those early feelings are subsiding. She's wonderful, but I'll wait until I'm healthier to explore anything. I was thirsty af for some positivity, and I like being partnered to someone, but not yet.

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Default Mar 14, 2023 at 11:05 PM
  #453
RD, it’s very important that your children feel heard. I am sure you will discover they kept quiet to keep the peace too. Children do not have the knowledge and life skills to deal with a parent’s behaviors that scare and confuse them. No child should be forced to spend time with an unstable parent they don’t feel safe with.
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Default Mar 14, 2023 at 11:31 PM
  #454
I think your focus should be on your children and providing a safe home they can have as a Haven while they focus on learning and growing and developing a healthy sense of self. Bringing another woman into the mix can take away from the attention your children need right now and also your own healing and growth.
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Default Mar 15, 2023 at 02:41 AM
  #455
I completely agree.
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Default Mar 15, 2023 at 07:05 AM
  #456
I think you are moving in the right direction. You are being a daddy and enjoying your children and these years are so important for them. You are also beginning to recognize how your wife’s presence can disrupt this new safe environment. It has not been that long, give it time. ❤️
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