Problems with my mother

This is what I suspected too - it’s not about her so she’s not interested. She may also be very jealous of posh girl and her ability to be absorbed by a hobby and have the technical knowledge to pursue it. PG, you write your mother is critical of others, in my experience this often stems from feelings of inadequacy, trying to put others down in order to bolster one’s own self esteem. Sadly it’s likely she doesn’t have the ability to cheer you on and share your achievements PG.

Yes, I feel that everything has to revolve around her.

Lots of things pass her lips without much or any thought. May seem trivial but when she's just got into car and radio is on, without listening to the music, she automatically says "oh what a row!" Sometimes barely five notes....

It is about self-esteem, something she should have worked on years ago. Her closed mind is the only thing she knows, returning to it like a comfort blanket. Around this time last year, she announced she was going to my brother for Christmas Day. The statement made in an antagonistic way to try and upset me. I just said okay. Me not pleading and bursting into tears was not the reaction she expected or wanted.

My hobby is interesting and I feel privileged to be doing this in a male-dominated world. Yes, it can be very technical but I've learned a lot through having an enquiring mind. As you may know, pilots have a way with words!

I think you handled that situation very well. She clearly wanted to get a rise out of you, but you didn't give her what she wanted.

Well, the next thing is my sister-in-law has invited me there on Christmas Day. Have still not received apology from her for lashing out at me and I'll never get one.

Talking to mother on phone last night, she mentioned the invite. Not directly, but woven around to increase the drama. Another habit, leaving sentences unfinished... My reply was yes, I've accepted to which she added, actually I know because your brother told me. Am not getting into false interpretation here but another instance of adding impact in the hope of getting a reaction.

So now she'll further get her own way because it will be easier for me to stay at her house before and after. Hope that my aunt invites us there on day after Christmas Day, though I'd have to sleep on the sofa!

As the saying goes, I'm just going with the flow....

Yesterday it happened again!

Did some jobs for mother then we were talking about Christmas and the negativity started again. My aunt has said something to her about meeting up for a meal, "that's if you want to". Mother has taken offence, so we had the usual about aunt's attitude.

What followed next, I thought she was going to have a seizure. Started shaking and talking strangely. After about 15 minutes and some sips of brandy, she calmed down. Then continued the vitriol about how I didn't understand. "Every time I bring up this subject, you either say nothing or this happens". Well yes mother, because very time I'm taking the rap for another's behaviour.

Of course, it's all my fault because I have no compassion, no heart, etc. I countered with the suggestion she was trying to grind me down into a person who had no life, no opinions. Just a mouse who took this unacceptable treatment without question or defence. She then pleaded with me not to tell my brother and my aunt about her "episode". I said I would talk to who I liked as there were a lot of lies circulating about me within the family.

She then needed to get something to eat, so I picked up my bag to leave. Followed me to door and started shouting about my lack of compassion.

Had lengthy phone chat with my aunt who is at a loss to understand why this keeps happening. She agreed that I should not be taking the blame for something she's said.

I'm not looking forward to Christmas and feel trapped now I've agreed to Christmas lunch at my brother's. I know if I tried to discuss these events with him, he would just either take her side or tell me to change my attitude.

It doesn’t seem fair to me that you feel trapped at Christmas, I’m wondering Poshgirl what would be your preferred way to spend Christmas? Is there a way you can do this at least for part of the day?

There's a simple answer, spend it on my own as I did last year. That was Christmas Day. Got up when I wanted to, ate/drank what I wanted, watched TV, followed pilot friend on his roster, chatted to some people on social media. Far better than dynamics at my brother's house, with sister-in-law's attitude.

In my aunt's words, it was "liberating". We went to mother's following day, because my aunt wasn't doing anything. Can't remember if we met up in between, but didn't spend New Year with her because I didn't feel great (snuffles!).

Of course, me going to brother on Christmas Day means I would drive mother. As he's "overworked", would then be able to relax (a few drinks!) whilst he cooks the main meal.

Maybe I've acted in haste in accepting the invite. Now praying for lots of snow!

Sorry, but had to reach out.

She's just started again on the phone, although said she didn't want a repeat of the other day. Well, why vent again on the same subject.

Saying I can't take anymore was met with "oh, I'm so sorry I'm upsetting you", in sarcastic tone. Then she starts asking me what's so special about me that I won't accept that her criticism is true. Again asked me why I hate her so much, so in the end she got the answer she wanted.

Said, yet again, that I can't take anymore but it didn't make any difference. Sadly and not proud of this, I hung up on her.

I really am at the end of my tether. My brother has only recently visited more than he used to. I know my aunt told him what she's said about him. Now, I'm supposed to take the rap for her bossing my mother around. I get corrected when I say it's the way she speaks to you. The answer is "no, she's bossing me around". Well, isn't that the same as speaking to someone. How can you boss someone around without speaking to them??

I think sometimes hanging up is the safest thing to do if you feel you’ve reached your limit.

It sounds like your mother is constantly trying to get a reaction out of you, saying calmly “For both our sakes I’m going to end this conversation now” seems sensible. If you’re going to keep contact with her rock solid boundaries seem essential.

I didn't like doing it but yes, needed to be done.

What I haven't mentioned is this happens not only when my aunt has been bossing her about but also neighbour, who she used to visit frequently, has phoned. All this woman does is moan about her health and her husband (despite him doing everything for her). Hardly ever asks my mother how she is. Have commented before that she's sapping the strength from her.

Have a parcel that needs to be delivered some time. Will also see what happens about her dental appointment next week.

Am trying to stay strong by remembering what my aunt said this time last year, after a long talk. "Now I know it's not all you".

I've had very similar experiences with my own mother, much of her own trauma manifesting back into our relationship.

Well, sorry to report more of the same.

Phoned her earlier and got the sarcastic "good morning" tone. When I said Oh, she launched into the what do you expect vitriol. Totally ignored fact that I hadn't been well.

I told her about my type 2 diagnosis and of course, it was all my fault for not telling her sooner. When I asked if her behaviour would have been different, I didn't get an answer.

She's also denying that her behaviour has been going on for over a year (we were in the same position this time last year). She then asked why I hadn't pulled her up about it sooner. My response was but I have but you keep looking to start an argument over the same subjects. Apparently it's because I'm not sympathetic about how she's being treated, although she's done same for me when I've had a little moan about my neighbours.

So, we continue with the "tit for tat" behaviour. Also saying things that weren't true/putting her slant on them instead of the truth.

Then we had the start of crying. Saying she was lonely and wasn't looking forward to Christmas. well, only Christmas Day when we're going to my brothers. Didn't get chance to mention invite to my aunt's the day after.

Bottom line is I'm still a great disappointment to her that I don't sit down and listen to her problems. Then in next breath, she acknowledges how much time/effort I've put into taking her to medical appointments, sorting out medication, etc. Then it's back to how I'm treating her because I've suggested she taken up issues with the people concerned. The answer was "I'm not going to cause any unpleasantness". My response was "why do you consider it okay to take it out on me instead". All I get is "I'm your mother and you're my daughter". In other words, she thinks she can behave just how she wants.

Same old, same old....

Now in a new year, but same old....

Barely lasted 5 weeks before she started again. Have taken her to dental appointments and blood test. Did jobs around house last Saturday whilst she told me about neighbour's attitude on weekly phone call. As I was about to leave, started about my aunt again. Wasn't long before we got the well-worn line "you've gone quiet again".

Stood my ground but to no avail. She started shouting at me. When I said I wasn't going to listen to any more, she said "how dare you speak to me like this" and "who do you think you are". Just calmly put my shoes and coat on and announced I was going home. This time she didn't follow me to the front door.

Not heard a word all week. I haven't felt great (again!), just put it down to disliking this time of year. Long chat with my aunt revealed mother hadn't told her about the latest conflict. Sadly, my aunt won't confront her about the accusations although they are levelled at her.

Not one to dwell on health issues, I do think this stress is having an effect. Am writing this and feeling better.

I've recently met one of my social media followers. We had an excellent lunch, followed by coffee and cake. He wants to meet up again, so why not? As for telling mother, only reason I can see for doing this is to prove that some people do like me!

She's happy now because she's been able to offload all her woes to health visitor. Appointment was instigated by GP practice, which surprised us. They all seem to be playing catch-up after the pandemic. Was told she's stressed and should work on lowering those levels.

So now I'm met with "I'm not taking any more of this behaviour". Who started this, mother?! Think she's being economical with the truth to make me look bad.

This Sunday will be interesting. Invited to lunch at brother's house. Her behaviour will be interesting. Hope she spots my sister-in-law's raised eyebrows....

Lunch was going well until mother "hijacked" the event.

My aunt and sister-in-law's mother also there, so a wider audience. First up was the friend across the road, every detail of the past 5 years of chats, including the topics. My sister-in-law didn't disappoint! Raised eyebrows in my direction frequently. Probably fuelled by the wine, she then picked up on mother playing the "victim". Particularly when mother moaning she's lonely. Main criticism was she never picks up phone to them or an elderly relative who also doesn't enjoy good health.

I headed for kitchen and started talking to my brother. First criticism of me was I'm exactly like our mother. "Peas in pod" was his description. Then I have no "shades of grey" when dealing with situations. Both comments wrong, shows how little he knows me. However, we did agree that some of the incidents were self-inflicted and he felt it was unfair that I should bear the brunt of others "mistakes". Conversation had to be cut short because mother was on the move (noisy walking stick signal!!). Brother taking mother to medical appointment today so will see if he repeats our conversation.

I'm not perfect although that's how mother portrays me, playing the victim. Although we've had our differences recently, think sister-in-law has situation weighed up. Annoyed by brother's comments but not wholly unexpected....