Problems with my mother

Decided not to look for previous thread, but to start new one on a familiar subject.

Brief history. Her childhood not a happy one, although elder, her sister was their mother's favourite. Something that continued through adult life. Widowed far too soon, my mother remarried. He was mentally abusive but she decided best course of action was compliance.

Since a fall 6 years ago, her health has declined. Mobility issues, she now can't walk very far even with a stick. Various aids at home to make life easier. However, her mind is still sharp for everything that anyone has done to upset/anger her. These failings constantly occupying her mind, despite her attempts to be more positive.

Her latest outburst at me last week was a result of others actions. My aunt used to be carer to a neighbour who needed to be told what to do (dementia). She forgets and sometimes does this to my mother/her sister. Then so-called friend winds her up about another neighbour. Final element is her favourite child (my brother) has let her down recently by inaction and things he's said.

Again she became insulting and dragging up things from the past. Later found out that she'd admitted to my aunt that "she'd said some nasty things to me, but I'd done the same to her". Everything seems to be "tit for tat". Brief discussion on Saturday about document I hadn't returned to her after disabled badge application.

Over the past few weeks, I've taken her shopping (non-food) and thought we'd had a positive experience. Also attending covid booster and flu jab session, where other people's kindness made her emotional. Keeps questioning why I don't visit more often. Exactly how her mother behaved!

My main issue is that I'm expected to accept this treatment because she is unwilling to take issue with those who've said things or not acted in the way she expects. When I asked why, she doesn't have an answer and starts calling me names. Few minutes later, this is denied. When I've kept quiet, I'm then accused of not being interested.

She has no friends, makes no effort to phone elderly relatives and blames others for this behaviour. Constantly claiming she's depressed, her goal seems to be making my life as unhappy as possible. As for getting medical help, she's right in complaining about UK medical services that seem to have abandoned her.

Sorry about length of this thread. There's a lot of details I haven't included as they're just variations on a theme,. I've told her I can't take any more but it made no difference. She called me a hateful drama queen! My aunt just cannot understand why she's behaving in this way and at a loss to offer any more advice other than to ignore it.

It’s really difficult when someone is at this advanced age and has entrenched negative behaviour patterns, which sounds like it could be the case with your mum. I think often acceptance (from yourself) is the only way because change/self reflection is unlikely to happen. That’s hard.

One thing. You mentioned her being emotional at others kindness, having no friends. I’m wondering if some kind of social activity aimed at her age group might help? Lunch clubs, or day centres that kind of thing. Maybe meeting others might help focus her mind elsewhere? It sounds like she’s very focused on a small group of people (her family) and wonder if seeing others (even if not making friends) might take her mind elsewhere for a while. Just a thought.

Thanks Discombobulated

Realise she cannot change, not only for reasons of advanced age. I also accept this. However, taking the rap for the poor behaviour of others is unacceptable. Sometime ago, she admitted that as far as telling the people who'd upset her, she said "I'm a coward". Does that make her behaviour towards me any better, no! My aunt's advice to just ignore is also met with criticism that I'm not interested. So either way, I'm targeted.

She will not go to these groups. Only recently has her financial situation improved; affordability was a problem in the past. There's also her low self-esteem. Only one place she's happy and that's visiting my brother. Unfortunately, because he has a house she cannot stay overnight. Only sleeping option downstairs is a large recliner chair. My aunt has moved further away, so visits not as frequent in both directions. Okay, they phone each other nearly every day.

I'm not looking to win. This is a very sad situation but nothing new. I've been her target for many years. The mother/daughter relationship can be tenuous for a variety of reasons. Have also privately questioned whether she's jealous. Something I never thought would enter my mind. The search for answers goes on...

That’s hard on you. She sounds like she’s isolating herself and obsessing. You sound like you’re one of the few people she can talk to and you’re getting the full back lash of that. Is your mother starting to depend on you or others for care?

That's exactly it! Behaving exactly as her mother did and vehemently denies it. Obsessing, yes, especially about things she has no control over. There's a problem with self-awareness. Allowing others to wind her up. My brother does criticise but in a "fun" way, so she thinks that's fine. Even he has lost patience recently, something she's found it very hard to accept.

Won't use walk-in shower unless I'm there. Ongoing problems with it working properly another angst. Few weeks ago, hinted again at me becoming her carer. Am not that type of person. I'll offer practical help but just can't do the personal things (can still wash herself). She has a cleaner who used to be a carer, so gets a lot more help there.

She has too much time to sit and imagine what people are saying about her. She's openly accused me and my aunt of gossiping. We're not and however many times I deny it, she's still fixated.

I know it's hard to break out of established patterns, especially with family. From a young age, our parents tend to, I guess you could say, train us to act in certain way. But, you don't have to accept her mistreatment. You can set boundaries. If she starts insulting you, tell her you are not going to put up with it and if she keeps it up, you are going to hang up the phone, or leave. Then, do it.

It sounds like my mother has a lot in common with yours. She also repeated dysfunctional patterns her mother exhibited and never has had any self awareness. I have had to set boundaries with her and even go low/no contact with her various times for my own mental health.

I am sure it will be challenging at first to set a boundary. She won't like it. However, you don't have to put up with treatment like that just because she is your mother.

Have already set boundaries in that when she starts, I let it go on for about 15 minutes, then something is said that usually strikes a nerve (mine). That's when I leave. How is that received? She starts crying then shouting at me to come back.

Last Friday, I actually became tearful and said I couldn't take any more. She didn't stop. So I got up to leave, repeating what I'd said. What I heard, even after shutting the door, was shouts of "you hateful drama queen" and "come back here".

Thanks for your valuable insight Rechu and I'm sorry you are experiencing the same. The one thing she keeps reminding me in all of this is "I'm your mother". So far have restrained myself from saying "well act like one then".

I'm glad you are taking steps to set boundaries. Wow, so she starts the crying and shouting but then calls you the drama queen?!? I think she will see the real drama queen in the situation if she looks in the mirror.

My mother received a dementia diagnosis about 4-5 years ago and she is one of those cases where it magnified her less desirable personality traits. After various family Zoom calls where she was constantly hostile towards me, I have bowed out. My husband doesn't speak English and even he could feel the nastiness emanating over the internet.

In this country we have this saying "madre, hay una sola". Literally, it's like you only have one mother, but it is more used to indicate you are stuck with the mother you have, you don't get a choice.

This is so difficult to handle and have to say you sound like you’re handling it as well as possible. The parent child power dynamic plus complications of advanced ageing really do impact on how you deal with it.

I think you’re very wise at pulling back from committing to becoming a carer posh girl, being an unpaid carer is hard enough without this dynamic.

Hard though it is staying calm (I know that’s tough when she’s pushing your buttons) and asserting boundaries firmly as rechu says seems like your best shot. Limiting time with her seems also a good plan as is seeking support (as you are here) from others.

It’s so sad she doesn’t seem to appreciate you in the way many others might. She must be deeply unhappy, this behaviour is in no way a reflection of you or your worth. Really, calling someone a drama Queen when they are crying is very telling.

Thank you both. You've put it all into perspective.

The only family member I've discussed this with is my aunt. She too cannot understand why her sister is behaving in this way. She made a very telling comment around this time last year. "Now I know it's not all you". This after a discussion about mother's behaviour. Actually, it was more me opening up.

My brother doesn't want to know. He believes everything he's told about me. Except maybe recently, when he's displayed a little impatience (if what my mother says is correct).

As for the carer statement, it would not be unpaid as I could claim UK carers benefit. No, even a monetary "reward" could not compensate for the loss of independence, self-esteem and general wellbeing. Too many women have done this and it hasn't ended well for them. And, we can't blame it all on Covid and lockdowns!

UK carers allowance is so low I class it as ‘unpaid’ caring, it certainly wouldn’t meet minimum wage standards that’s for sure! Yes I’d agree with all you say re the personal toll of caring.

Tru dat.

Very true

My mother was a gentle soul. My dad however you never know what’s going to upset him. Even though he’s better than he used to be.

I know someone who through her 40s and 50s helped her mom care for her father. Her mother was in her 70s when I met her and her dad was mid-90s when he died. They did it for about 15 years. Her father was bedridden and had some type of dementia. Apart from not being able to walk, though, his body was pretty healthy.


It destroyed her physically and mentally even though they had some help from nurses. He would sundown frequently, making it hard for anyone in the house to get a decent night's sleep. She developed back and joint problems from having to move him around, since he was not a small guy. She gave up her career and trying to get back into work with a long absence like that, especially in your 50s, is nearly impossible.

I think you are doing the right thing in being firm about not becoming her carer. You can steer her towards whatever assistance might be available in your country instead.

Yesterday's visit not arranged until around lunchtime. Partly because I was waiting to see if she called me.

One of problems is she's not eating properly. We have gone over this so many times. Have to keep saying food is fuel, your body needs it for cognitive as well as physical health. That's why she's dropping off to sleep around 4pm each day.

Anyway, we got a lot done. Changed her bed, including to winter duvet and warm sheet. Counted medication. Still trying to find best pillow. (she hates memory foam, not keen on feather either). She wants to go out and buy some new Christmas decorations.

Was conscious of us feeling our way with each other. It went better than expected, probably because my brother is there today to do do jobs. Not holding my breath....

Wow, Poshgirl, I see why you responded to my post on the other thread. There does seem to be some similarities.

I mentioned that verbal abuse book on the other thread, and the thing that I really got from that book was the inability to communicate with certain people. Your mom may fall into this category. You think you just need to reason and explain to them, and then they will "get it" and start acting nicer. But the reality is that they are approaching it from a much different place where they only want their needs met and your feelings truly have no bearing. That was a hard reality for me to grasp, but it's also made it easier to deal with him.

If the boundaries you're using right now aren't working, you may need to try different ones. It helps the more you can mentally detach and separate yourself, but that isn't always easy. I struggle with it. Dh has been doing his silent treatment and it's very hard for me to not approach him and try to fix it- which is exactly what he expects. When I don't do it, then he will start doing other childish things to get a rise out of me. It's exhausting at times, but now that I feel less attached to him, it's become easier for me to say things in a non emotional way to him. Like I'll say things to the effect of "I'm taking care of myself at the moment, what do you need?" Or "I'm sorry, I can't read your mind. What did you want to talk about?". Frankly I'm treating him like a young child, but in a respectful way. And he acts like a child at times, so it's not inappropriate. You're lucky that you can at least leave. But it can feel like it ruins your day after you've dealt with them.

One thing I've found that helps with dh, and maybe this would help with your mom, is if he gets on a rant, I have learned to physically break it. He tends to rant as soon as he gets home, and it's almost like he's prepared and spooled up for it. I will suddenly have had too much coffee and say something like "hang on a minute, I'll be right back.". Five minutes later when i come back from the bathroom, he's lost his flow. If you drive, you can remember you brought some food for her and go get it out of the car, go out to check on a bird you saw on the sidewalk, etc. If he's on a roll, shifting the focus just works sometimes.

This will probably sound stupid, but it helps me sometimes- I pretend I'm an anthropologist who's supposed to study this person. I agree with him, but don't compromise myself, and watch his patterns. It's helped me disconnect and see more of it as his issues. It was doing this that I saw the pattern of his ranting, when it seemed to happen, and that if I broke the flow at that time, it would often just end. Just observing his doing his own thing with neutral interactions from me has been freeing in a lot of ways. At the very least, I hope it's making me healthier. Guess this is just a form of detachment really.

Anyhow, I feel for you! I agree with you about not being her carer. Right now you need to take care of yourself first.

ArmorPlate108, thanks for your comments.

Have tried breaking the conversation but invariably she returns to it at the time, a week later or even several months. Seems to be a fixation in her mind that she has to grind me down because I don't think/behave like her. If I try the bathroom break strategy, she's waiting for me.

One thing she doesn't like or understand is that I've resurrected a hobby. I'm an aviation enthusiast and write a blog for a website. Lockdown would have driven me to distraction otherwise! I don't expect her to understand the techy bits but know she's also trying to deflect my attention away from that.

As for what she's told other people, my time will come to put the record straight but I'm not actively seeking those opportunities. They will happen of their own accord.

I'm sorry, Poshgirl. Dh tends to go back to the same things over and over again, but sadly, he does seem to lose his train of thought easily. It's hard to think of that as a benefit...

Maybe eventually you find some tactics that work with her. With dh, it's kind of an evolution to find new things that work and keep me sane enough.

It's great that you have your hobby. It sounds interesting. Actually, my first thought about her not understanding was that it's because it's not about her. That's how dh is though. Difficult people are, well... difficult.

Good luck next time you have to deal with her.

You’re doing well spotting the patterns imo.

You know your mother better than anyone, some phrases I might try with her are:

“That’s interesting” without giving an emotional response when she’s trying to elicit it. Possibly “I’ll bear that in mind” when she’s trying to give you unwanted advice.

“I see your perspective”. Is another one. Then divert to another less contentious subject,

These mightn’t be appropriate, you know her best, but those are some of the sort of phrases that might diffuse her by validating that you’ve heard and understood her without having a disagreement or you giving in to her point of view.

I may be wrong but it sounds like she’s been quite powerless in her life and I wonder if she’s trying to exert power over you as a result.