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Old 11-23-2022, 11:19 AM   #21
Open Eyes
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Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

I’m sorry Tisha, it sounds like both you and your sisters were emotionally neglected as children. Sadly this happened all too often in families where it was felt that children were to just obey and be seen and expressing emotions was considered too burdensome. This is so bad for children who instead need to learn what their feelings mean and how to work through them.

Unfortunately, this is still very much lacking in your FOO. This is not something you will be able to change.

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Old 11-24-2022, 01:14 AM   #22
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I am trying to heal myself and grow emotionally, and it is a huge challenge. It’s been a sporadic, frustrating, confusing journey with therapists. I finally have one now, just had one session and can’t see them again until the end of the year because they are so booked up. I am hopeful about this one. The diagnoses given during that time, though varied, were essentially correct. I really understand it now. It’s really difficult because there’s me and then there’s the pathology of the others who are closest family and have conflict with me.

The toxic back/forth relationship is called approach avoidant repetition compulsion. I have been stuck in this for decades and am desperately trying to stop the dysfunction while staying in the relationship. It’s been three days without incident and counting…
I just looked up avoidant repetition compulsion. I can see what you mean about the pathology that is explained. It helped me understand how some people will never change and why they pic certain relationship partners.
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Old 11-24-2022, 08:38 AM   #23
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I just looked up avoidant repetition compulsion. I can see what you mean about the pathology that is explained. It helped me understand how some people will never change and why they pic certain relationship partners.
The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With - YouTube

Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up - YouTube

This are great short videos explaining it.
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Old Yesterday, 01:52 AM   #24
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Very good links explaining the toxic dynamics that can happen in relationships. Sadly a person can repeat this kind of dysfunction in other relationships not understanding their part in choosing the wrong partner. Yet, it may also be due to this dynamic taking place in their parents relationship.
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Old Yesterday, 09:47 AM   #25
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It was a really special Thanksgiving for us. I was able to make the dinner without all the struggle of the past because my mother was not here. I feel really bad for her because she’s been crying to everyone that she has been left all alone, she’s “already dead”. They chose to stay living where they are. I chose to move to where my kids are. I had every right to do that, and I am so glad I did. I do feel bad my folks were not able to be present for our family gathering, but honestly it would have been so hard if they were. I am in a tiny apartment. We were practically like clowns in a clown car yesterday. My elderly parents really couldn’t have physically been able to be in the room. My son even brought his large dogs. There was barely room to walk around the makeshift table, practically on top of the sofa, lol. But, I called my mother and everyone said hello to her.

Interestingly, there has been no more struggle with my husband over holidays since we moved. It was the triangulation of him and her struggling for control in the past. Nearly every holiday I ended up having an emotional meltdown prior to the meal, which I always managed to pull off nicely in the end. This year, no fuss no muss, really nice and special time with our family. Also, our first grandchild is about to be born!

All is well atm with the challenging relationships. I even extended an olive branch to sister S, who simply gave my text a like. Fine. It is what it is.
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Old Yesterday, 09:15 PM   #26
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It was a really special Thanksgiving for us. I was able to make the dinner without all the struggle of the past because my mother was not here. I feel really bad for her because she’s been crying to everyone that she has been left all alone, she’s “already dead”. They chose to stay living where they are. I chose to move to where my kids are. I had every right to do that, and I am so glad I did. I do feel bad my folks were not able to be present for our family gathering, but honestly it would have been so hard if they were. I am in a tiny apartment. We were practically like clowns in a clown car yesterday. My elderly parents really couldn’t have physically been able to be in the room. My son even brought his large dogs. There was barely room to walk around the makeshift table, practically on top of the sofa, lol. But, I called my mother and everyone said hello to her.

Interestingly, there has been no more struggle with my husband over holidays since we moved. It was the triangulation of him and her struggling for control in the past. Nearly every holiday I ended up having an emotional meltdown prior to the meal, which I always managed to pull off nicely in the end. This year, no fuss no muss, really nice and special time with our family. Also, our first grandchild is about to be born!

All is well atm with the challenging relationships. I even extended an olive branch to sister S, who simply gave my text a like. Fine. It is what it is.
Oh how nice you were able to have a nice holiday! How exciting!!! And you are about to become a grandmother. That’s such an amazing experience. My first grandson just turned 7 months and honestly there’s nothing that compares to having a grandbaby. Exciting times ahead grandma!!!!
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Old Today, 04:42 AM   #27
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Congratulations, TishaBuv! I am so happy for you! You have been working so hard & it's paying off! God bless you, dear wonderful TishaBuv!
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Old Today, 09:35 AM   #28
TishaBuv
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…and we’re back to challenging marriage. It’s beyond challenging, it’s broken. I am handling it better now, without the emotional dysregulation this time, so far… Now to tackle the depression that sweeps over me, knowing I should find myself somewhere else to go, but don’t know where. I do not want to let this get the better of me this time. At least my son is here today before he returns to school. I hope he’ll do something with me for distraction. I am going to make it seem like everything is fine here for his sake, trying to clear the stink from the air that is between h and me. This is the part in the past I feel worst about. Our home wasn’t a healthy, happy environment for the kids. They knew there was trouble between mom and dad, though we didn’t outright fight, nor did we give the silent treatment. It’s just obvious though subtle, so insidious. This was child abuse done to them. I will do my best to spare my son one more day of that.
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