advertisement
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 11-23-2022, 11:19 AM   #21
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Iím sorry Tisha, it sounds like both you and your sisters were emotionally neglected as children. Sadly this happened all too often in families where it was felt that children were to just obey and be seen and expressing emotions was considered too burdensome. This is so bad for children who instead need to learn what their feelings mean and how to work through them.

Unfortunately, this is still very much lacking in your FOO. This is not something you will be able to change.

Last edited by Open Eyes; 11-23-2022 at 11:35 AM..
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:

advertisement
Old 11-24-2022, 01:14 AM   #22
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I am trying to heal myself and grow emotionally, and it is a huge challenge. Itís been a sporadic, frustrating, confusing journey with therapists. I finally have one now, just had one session and canít see them again until the end of the year because they are so booked up. I am hopeful about this one. The diagnoses given during that time, though varied, were essentially correct. I really understand it now. Itís really difficult because thereís me and then thereís the pathology of the others who are closest family and have conflict with me.

The toxic back/forth relationship is called approach avoidant repetition compulsion. I have been stuck in this for decades and am desperately trying to stop the dysfunction while staying in the relationship. Itís been three days without incident and countingÖ
I just looked up avoidant repetition compulsion. I can see what you mean about the pathology that is explained. It helped me understand how some people will never change and why they pic certain relationship partners.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-24-2022, 08:38 AM   #23
TishaBuv
Wise Elder
 
TishaBuv's Avatar
TishaBuv took a wrong turn in Albuquerque
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 9,517 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1,558 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I just looked up avoidant repetition compulsion. I can see what you mean about the pathology that is explained. It helped me understand how some people will never change and why they pic certain relationship partners.
The Hardest Person in the World To Break up With - YouTube

Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up - YouTube

This are great short videos explaining it.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

Last edited by TishaBuv; 11-24-2022 at 08:43 AM.. Reason: Add more
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-25-2022, 01:52 AM   #24
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Very good links explaining the toxic dynamics that can happen in relationships. Sadly a person can repeat this kind of dysfunction in other relationships not understanding their part in choosing the wrong partner. Yet, it may also be due to this dynamic taking place in their parents relationship.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-25-2022, 09:47 AM   #25
TishaBuv
Wise Elder
 
TishaBuv's Avatar
TishaBuv took a wrong turn in Albuquerque
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 9,517 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1,558 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

It was a really special Thanksgiving for us. I was able to make the dinner without all the struggle of the past because my mother was not here. I feel really bad for her because sheís been crying to everyone that she has been left all alone, sheís ďalready deadĒ. They chose to stay living where they are. I chose to move to where my kids are. I had every right to do that, and I am so glad I did. I do feel bad my folks were not able to be present for our family gathering, but honestly it would have been so hard if they were. I am in a tiny apartment. We were practically like clowns in a clown car yesterday. My elderly parents really couldnít have physically been able to be in the room. My son even brought his large dogs. There was barely room to walk around the makeshift table, practically on top of the sofa, lol. But, I called my mother and everyone said hello to her.

Interestingly, there has been no more struggle with my husband over holidays since we moved. It was the triangulation of him and her struggling for control in the past. Nearly every holiday I ended up having an emotional meltdown prior to the meal, which I always managed to pull off nicely in the end. This year, no fuss no muss, really nice and special time with our family. Also, our first grandchild is about to be born!

All is well atm with the challenging relationships. I even extended an olive branch to sister S, who simply gave my text a like. Fine. It is what it is.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

Last edited by TishaBuv; 11-25-2022 at 09:50 AM.. Reason: Add more
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-25-2022, 09:15 PM   #26
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 20,113 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1,160 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
It was a really special Thanksgiving for us. I was able to make the dinner without all the struggle of the past because my mother was not here. I feel really bad for her because sheís been crying to everyone that she has been left all alone, sheís ďalready deadĒ. They chose to stay living where they are. I chose to move to where my kids are. I had every right to do that, and I am so glad I did. I do feel bad my folks were not able to be present for our family gathering, but honestly it would have been so hard if they were. I am in a tiny apartment. We were practically like clowns in a clown car yesterday. My elderly parents really couldnít have physically been able to be in the room. My son even brought his large dogs. There was barely room to walk around the makeshift table, practically on top of the sofa, lol. But, I called my mother and everyone said hello to her.

Interestingly, there has been no more struggle with my husband over holidays since we moved. It was the triangulation of him and her struggling for control in the past. Nearly every holiday I ended up having an emotional meltdown prior to the meal, which I always managed to pull off nicely in the end. This year, no fuss no muss, really nice and special time with our family. Also, our first grandchild is about to be born!

All is well atm with the challenging relationships. I even extended an olive branch to sister S, who simply gave my text a like. Fine. It is what it is.
Oh how nice you were able to have a nice holiday! How exciting!!! And you are about to become a grandmother. Thatís such an amazing experience. My first grandson just turned 7 months and honestly thereís nothing that compares to having a grandbaby. Exciting times ahead grandma!!!!
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-26-2022, 04:42 AM   #27
Breaking Dawn
Legendary
 
Breaking Dawn's Avatar
Breaking Dawn Thankful for my blessings.
 
Member Since: Sep 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 15,433 (SuperPoster!)
3 yr Member
39.6k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Congratulations, TishaBuv! I am so happy for you! You have been working so hard & it's paying off! God bless you, dear wonderful TishaBuv!
__________________
"Every moment is a fresh beginning." (T. S. Eliot)

"Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines."(Robert H. Schiuller)

* * * * * * * * * * *
Breaking Dawn is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-26-2022, 09:35 AM   #28
TishaBuv
Wise Elder
 
TishaBuv's Avatar
TishaBuv took a wrong turn in Albuquerque
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 9,517 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1,558 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Öand weíre back to challenging marriage. Itís beyond challenging, itís broken. I am handling it better now, without the emotional dysregulation this time, so farÖ Now to tackle the depression that sweeps over me, knowing I should find myself somewhere else to go, but donít know where. I do not want to let this get the better of me this time. At least my son is here today before he returns to school. I hope heíll do something with me for distraction. I am going to make it seem like everything is fine here for his sake, trying to clear the stink from the air that is between h and me. This is the part in the past I feel worst about. Our home wasnít a healthy, happy environment for the kids. They knew there was trouble between mom and dad, though we didnít outright fight, nor did we give the silent treatment. Itís just obvious though subtle, so insidious. This was child abuse done to them. I will do my best to spare my son one more day of that.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 11-26-2022, 12:39 PM   #29
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Narcissistic/Toxic individuals NEED chaos to survive. They are very comfortable with their lies and exaggerations because these things produce the needed chaos the get a feed from so they donít get bored. They see different environments as theirs, a place where they can create drama and chaos to feed off of. They will even have a sense of ownership of a person, especially a person that reacts in a way that contributes to the chaos they need to feel alive.

Actually, once you learn how to listen, they tell on themselves all the time. Because they develop a possessive mindset they tend to think everything is about them personally. If you have a different opinion and others agree with you they believe they are being ganged up on. Oh no! They prefer to be the ďdirectorĒ and if they feel that is threatened they will come at you and even throw a tantrum.

You were able to enjoy a holiday. While you had to work at maintaining a calm, the presence that used to bring the chaos was absent. Ah yes, distance can be a friend.

Healing and growing is slowly learning how to identify these individuals that thrive on chaos and know why they are unhealthy for you. They are in family, work places and on line communities as well.

Given how we owned a restaurant with a sizable bar and live entertainment, I witnessed these type of individuals, often alcoholics that were regulars looking for chaos and claiming it to be THEIR hangout. Ugh the things I witnessed as these individuals consumed alcohol exposing their true selves was something. And individuals well into their 50s too. I was younger and was not much of a drinker.

Once you begin to recognize the behaviors and the affect it has on you, that begins the journey to slowly healing.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-26-2022, 02:35 PM   #30
divine1966
Legendary Wise Elder
 
divine1966's Avatar
divine1966 Tired!!!
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 20,113 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1,160 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

I think itís a blessing you have your sons. With all ups and downs of raising family, they bring joy (even if things with raising kids arenít always roses and butterflies). Marriage could be a challenge, regardless if itís a happy one or a challenging one.

Nothing is ever perfect but knowing that the kids are thriving and now new generation is coming up and itís an exciting mystery about them and their future, you know you did the best you could (as all of us) and you and your husband did something (a lot!) right. Give yourself a pat on the back and enjoy your sons company
divine1966 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 11-27-2022, 09:24 AM   #31
TishaBuv
Wise Elder
 
TishaBuv's Avatar
TishaBuv took a wrong turn in Albuquerque
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 9,517 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1,558 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

I got through the weekend without completely melting down and crying. But I did get angry and told him off briefly. Then, I withdrew into myself, thereís no point for the conversation and I know it. Itís hard to believe we have the same exact fight every weekend forever. Itís actually happening here.

I have an issue with invalidation; not being seen, heard, respected stemming from my FOO. Then my husband is the grand Poohbah of the gaslight. He is still gaslighting me about this same argument, saying he misunderstood. Itís just misunderstanding after misunderstanding. This was truly crazy-making.

What was this impossible thing I asked for? I asked him to bring forth some effort in our relationship. Specifically, he should, at least, make the smallest effort to make me feel like we are a man and a woman who are in a romantic relationship. He should make a plan for us to do something like a nice dinner, or treat me with some affection like we are lovers- that I want to feel loved especially at some time during a weekend, like a date night. This is the on-going fight. He just doesnít ever step it up. No amount of my getting upset about his continually disappointing me at this will ever make him do it. He instead, is sucked in to his media addiction. He watches tv while he scrolls news headlines on his phone all day, non stop. There is nothing else. He doesnít even speak to me, generally, while we are watching tv, like even to comment on the shows, minimally something generates from him. Fun guy, right?

I am going to Codependents Anonymous now. I have spent my married life completely dependent emotionally on his actions (inaction) and let it destroy me.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 11-27-2022, 11:06 AM   #32
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Could he have Aspergers?
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-27-2022, 12:12 PM   #33
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna The UNA in Florida - Please, dont @mention me?Thanks!
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 37,991 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
61.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Could he have Aspergers?
Yeah ive been reading on youtube about autistic "demand avoidance" i think its called? Its like, i was gonna do that UNTIL you TOLD me to do it, now i just cant. Im a lot like that.
unaluna is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-27-2022, 02:31 PM   #34
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

My husband has ADHD and itís so hard for him to sit still as he is just wired to be constantly busy. So he watched TV and is often on his phone thumbing through things and then he has to move around. Conversations can be a challenge as he is so impatient.

That wiring is not anything I can change.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 11-28-2022, 09:13 AM   #35
TishaBuv
Wise Elder
 
TishaBuv's Avatar
TishaBuv took a wrong turn in Albuquerque
 
Member Since: Dec 2014
Location: USA
Posts: 9,517 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
1,558 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
Could he have Aspergers?
If he does, it would be extremely mild. We thought about that several years ago. I posed the question to the doctor/therapists we saw together. They laughed it off as ridiculous.

Maybe his actions are perfectly normal, IDK. But, I know it canít possibly be all me in this. I have been consistently asking for and explaining exactly what I want to get my needs met. He has been consistently forgetting or misunderstanding so he does not give me what I want. Then I basically end up self trashing and giving him what he wants.

After a lot of watching videos about narcissism, I learned there is a covert, negligent narcissist, and a passive-aggressive personality disorder. Although neither of us meet all the criteria in any of those videos, there are traits that do match him with these. And I do fall a bit into the vulnerable narcissism category. My extreme emotional reactions put me into borderline category. I get it. I think this is the case here. I donít even care if I would get diagnosed as a narcissist (which I have not). I just want this pain to stop. I am willing to improve myself, am desperately trying. And, I have learned, it is first and foremost c-ptsd for me.
__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T
TishaBuv is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Hugs from:
Old 11-28-2022, 12:53 PM   #36
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Cptsd is basically describing the symptoms someone suffers from experiencing different traumas that interrupted their ability to develop a normal sense of safety in self. Instead, individuals unknowingly learned to survive by giving in to a presence that insisted on having control. This creates an ongoing desire for a rescuer. Added to that are all the fairy tales where young girls are encouraged to believe that a Prince Charming will come and rescue them and they will live happily ever after.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 11-28-2022, 01:16 PM   #37
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

From what you have shared of your mother, she convinced you to give in to her need to create drama to secure her need to experience a sense of relevance. Unfortunately she likes to create drama to feel alive. Yet, itís become part of her character to the point that she fails to see how toxic her drama hobby really is. Plus, given the age difference between you and your sisters, yes you were alone with her like an only child. Children want to please the parent, so you did not fully realize the dysfunction you were taught to see as normal.

This desire to want your own needs met only to fail and give in has been engrained in you from an early age.

That is a hard thing to change as it means changing self. That means others will not like that you donít give up and give in.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 11-28-2022, 03:56 PM   #38
RockyRoad007
Member
RockyRoad007 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Canada
Posts: 116
3 yr Member
1 hugs
given
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Is there any possibility that you can come to 100% acceptance that he simply can't fulfill this role you deeply desire he would? Never ask him again. See it as that ship has sailed.

If so, it could give you incredible freedom. You can look to yourself to get those needs met. Go out for dinner or lunch by yourself. Afterwards, go for a walk in nature, a local park, community gardens, whatever turns your crank. Go browse in a mall.

You could plan events for yourself that you truly enjoy. This time of year there are usually craft fairs going on that are often fun to go browse thru. Other times of year, there could be wellness shows or other community events.
Join meetup and see what topics you might enjoy doing with others. You would be surprised at the variety of meetup groups. Something for everyone. Even something as simple as a small group walk.

This would give your husband his freedom from constantly being asked to do what he simply doesn't have in him to give. But more importantly, it frees you of the burden of trying to get another to meet your needs.

And that is incredibly rewarding.
RockyRoad007 is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Old 11-28-2022, 04:32 PM   #39
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 21,952 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
20.2k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

I agree with what you are saying @RockyRoad007 but I donít think Tisha would see that as liberating, but instead as giving in which can trigger her to experience very uncomfortable feelings.
Open Eyes is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Old 11-28-2022, 04:54 PM   #40
unaluna
Elder Harridan x-hankster
 
unaluna's Avatar
unaluna The UNA in Florida - Please, dont @mention me?Thanks!
 
Member Since: Jun 2011
Location: Milan/Michigan
Posts: 37,991 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
61.7k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Re: Challenging Family Relationships

Quote:
Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
I agree with what you are saying @RockyRoad007 but I donít think Tisha would see that as liberating, but instead as giving in which can trigger her to experience very uncomfortable feelings.
Maybe those feelings have become too "comfortable". How can you have the same arguments or expectations for decades? Obviously tish is convinced that he COULD CHOOSE to do these things but he deliberately chooses not to.

Thats how i saw my mother. But the fact is, she was waiting for me to come over to HER side, that i was the stubborn, wrong one. Who decides who is right? There is no one right - thatz why we have 2 political parties. And nobody is going to convince them to not stick to their differences.

Where is it written that our partner HAS to do what we demand? I think it is written that they won't! Esp if it goes against their nature. Esp if they have the upper hand in the relationship.

So what does it MEAN that H chooses not to do what tish asks? There will certainly be uncomfortable feelings looking at that. Tish giving up the fight means accepting those ugly truths? WHAT ugly truths? Why concentrate on on the unknowable when you could just do as Rocky suggests.
unaluna is online now   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
"Thanks for this!" says:
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off



All times are GMT -5. The time now is 09:34 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2022, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent community, overseen by a group of dedicated volunteers.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.