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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 06:19 AM
  #101
 
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
Youíre right. Iíve only addressed my problems with him when Iíve come on here for help fixing it, figuring it out, coping with it. Yes, everything you said here is true. Iím not in denial, just trying to find a path thatíll be best for everybody. Itís a bit of people pleasing for me now, too.

I have really mixed feelings for him.

I could have said more positive things about him on here, but I came here triggered in dysregulation over his incompatibility with me, so wasnít exactly feeling the love.

I always did say that we get along well outside of the intimacy struggle (mostly), and he was smart, funny, handsomeÖ Did I say handsome? Oy yoy yoy
What about a path that is best for YOU?

Smart, funny and handsome have nothing to do with how he treats you.

How does he treat you generally speaking? With respect and high regard? Is he supportive of you and compassionate towards you? Does he do considerate and nice things for you that tell you he loves you? Does he shower you with love and affection? Does he follow through on promises made? Do his actions match his words? Do you regularly feel happy when you're around him, and every single day?

My guess is no. From everything you've posted, it seems far more negative than positive in your relationship.

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Last edited by Have Hope; Dec 28, 2022 at 07:44 AM..
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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 08:49 AM
  #102
 
My alcoholic ex significant other was the funniest guy, very smart and handsome. I donít think any of it matters. I mean you donít want a dummy, being smart is needed to properly function in the world beyond the basic ďwhatís for dinner?Ē. Other stuff? Not so much.

I think when undecided, itís wise to consider if you are better with or without? If you are better off with him, then itís no problem staying even if other things donít work out perfectly. Itís ok to complain but at the end of the day deciding you are still happier wuth him

I think the fact that you two sit next to each other all day every day might be contributing to the sense of despair. I love my husband dearly and we enjoy our time together. The best time we had when he was on FMLA for 3 months after surgery and my work was closed due to start of pandemics. We were home all day every day and it was the best.

But if it was for years and for remaining life, Iíd probably become emotionally unregulated. It doesnít sound healthy.

You two are too young to be attached to the hip all day every day. Your kids are grown and you need more in life than a husband. Iíd go get a job or something or some very involved hobby. You might have something interesting to tell each other at the end of the day
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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 08:53 AM
  #103
 
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As you may be aware, my challenging relationship is with my mother, well-documented in another thread.

So fed up with her attitude, I revealed my Type2 diagnosis just before Christmas. Has that improved our relationship? No! There's been cursory attempt to show interest in how I'm feeling. Then, predictably, the interrogation begins. The main question, why didn't you tell me sooner as you were diagnosed in June? Followed by who have you told before me?

At my brother's house on Christmas Day, out of their earshot, she again asked "just when were you going to tell me?" My reply was this is neither the time nor place for that discussion. She apologised then spent rest of day trying to make everything about her. Even my sister-in-law raised her eyebrows a few times.

Following day, at my aunt's, was conscious of mother trying to make it all about her. My cousin paid a short visit. From the kitchen, I could hear mother telling her how she'd gone to bed on Christmas Eve alone, then woken on Christmas Day alone. What she's forgotten it was exactly the same last year.

New Year is fast approaching and the one thing I do not want to do is spend it with my mother. The conversation will only be about one subject. Don't see why I should have to defend my choices, as I'm an adult.
Have you heard of Dr. Ramani? I am aware of your struggles with your mother. She sounds like a narcissist, and it may be possible the mental health symptoms you and I are showing are coming from being in a narcissist abuse relationship.

I started watching videos by Dr. R on youtube. She also has an online healing program. I recommend it.

The problem with the Ramani philosophy is she says go no contact to heal from the narcissist and I am not going to do that. Itís not just husband, it is a few key family members, too, that I am choosing to keep in my life.

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Last edited by TishaBuv; Dec 28, 2022 at 09:24 AM.. Reason: Add more
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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 09:04 AM
  #104
 
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What about a path that is best for YOU?

Smart, funny and handsome have nothing to do with how he treats you.

How does he treat you generally speaking? With respect and high regard? Is he supportive of you and compassionate towards you? Does he do considerate and nice things for you that tell you he loves you? Does he shower you with love and affection? Does he follow through on promises made? Do his actions match his words? Do you regularly feel happy when you're around him, and every single day?

My guess is no. From everything you've posted, it seems far more negative than positive in your relationship.
Generally speaking- super polite, but a not present person, addicted to media and expecting everything to be done for him. I always did everything for him as we had a traditional marriage like that, very 1950ís. Now that heís retired, I complained and he is now doing a bit more to be equally contributing. But thereís very little to do anyway; meals, light cleaning.

The response to the other things in that question you asked are itís complicated. No, he does not do those things but then does after we fight. Repetition compulsion dance.

What is best for me is the big question. Why canít I end what is making me chronically miserable? Honestly, either scenario with or without him is alright. I could be fine without him, maybe happy, maybe even more unhappy. I wish I could have a break from him so I could find out, but he wonít do it.

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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 09:07 AM
  #105
 
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My alcoholic ex significant other was the funniest guy, very smart and handsome. I donít think any of it matters. I mean you donít want a dummy, being smart is needed to properly function in the world beyond the basic ďwhatís for dinner?Ē. Other stuff? Not so much.

I think when undecided, itís wise to consider if you are better with or without? If you are better off with him, then itís no problem staying even if other things donít work out perfectly. Itís ok to complain but at the end of the day deciding you are still happier wuth him

I think the fact that you two sit next to each other all day every day might be contributing to the sense of despair. I love my husband dearly and we enjoy our time together. The best time we had when he was on FMLA for 3 months after surgery and my work was closed due to start of pandemics. We were home all day every day and it was the best.

But if it was for years and for remaining life, Iíd probably become emotionally unregulated. It doesnít sound healthy.

You two are too young to be attached to the hip all day every day. Your kids are grown and you need more in life than a husband. Iíd go get a job or something or some very involved hobby. You might have something interesting to tell each other at the end of the day
And I was already dysregulated in the relationship while he was working. The pandemic and his retiring sure didnít help. No, our alone time on the couch hasnít been great for us. I got myself stuck and donít know how or why I am not getting myself unstuck. I know I need to get out and do something. I will keep trying to do that. Maybe today I will. Thanks, D.

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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 10:14 AM
  #106
 
Iíll say better things-
Elderly parents are in failing health, getting injured while trying to be independent. They stubbornly refuse to cooperate with med professionals and make everything harder for themselves. It is very upsetting (though I am not dysregulated). I donít know what I can do to help them when they refuse help, horrible to watch.
Husband is here being emotionally supportive. He is upset and frustrated about them too.

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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 11:18 AM
  #107
 
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Iíll say better things-
Elderly parents are in failing health, getting injured while trying to be independent. They stubbornly refuse to cooperate with med professionals and make everything harder for themselves. It is very upsetting (though I am not dysregulated). I donít know what I can do to help them when they refuse help, horrible to watch.
Husband is here being emotionally supportive. He is upset and frustrated about them too.
Omg tell me about it.

Thatís my dad for you. Itís terrible. My brother and I are in constant struggle with it. And before anyone says anything about it, in a situation with my dad itís not ďnot wanting to give up independenceĒ.

My dad loves everything to be about him. Itís not age related. Heís been always like this. He was like this at 40. If he is being a martyr everyone pays attention to him. If someone else helps him, attention is off him and on those who helped him (in his mind).

My mom was nothing like that. She was graciously accepting of help. I used to clean their house and my mom loved it. Since she died itís been a hassle. My dad would do crazy things. Right before my brother would arrive to plow snow or something heíd run outside and do it even though heíd agree to my brother doing it. My brother would arrive to everything done. I can write a novel. The funniest thing heíd complain that he needs help but then refuses help.

We also think he needs to stop driving but it will be a battle. And he also does not cooperate with medical professionals. He goes to see doctors but then claims they know nothing and he wouldnít follow their directives. ďWhat do they know these doctors?Ē
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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 12:32 PM
  #108
 
Didnít mean to hijack your thread. Just wanted you to know that you arenít alone with dealing with aging parents. Not easy
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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 04:33 PM
  #109
 
@TishaBuv I think itís important that you know that a high percentage of women have similar sexual frustrations you experience. Not many care to talk about it in that itís an uncomfortable conversation to have. Men often fail to learn about women and tend to focus on the wrong things and can be sexually selfish not always knowing they are sexually selfish. A woman can develop anxiety and this only adds to the overall challenge and can become an ongoing source of frustration that has a negative affect on the entire relationship.

This doesnít always boil down to the man being a narcissist or even deliberately abusing. Often instead it is concluded that the woman is never satisfied no matter what.
Possible trigger:
Hollywood created the illusion that things were much easier than they were, fantasy sells.

Last edited by FooZe; Dec 29, 2022 at 12:12 AM.. Reason: added trigger tags
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Old Dec 28, 2022 at 05:00 PM
  #110
 
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Generally speaking- super polite, but a not present person, addicted to media and expecting everything to be done for him. I always did everything for him as we had a traditional marriage like that, very 1950ís. Now that heís retired, I complained and he is now doing a bit more to be equally contributing. But thereís very little to do anyway; meals, light cleaning.

The response to the other things in that question you asked are itís complicated. No, he does not do those things but then does after we fight. Repetition compulsion dance.

What is best for me is the big question. Why canít I end what is making me chronically miserable? Honestly, either scenario with or without him is alright. I could be fine without him, maybe happy, maybe even more unhappy. I wish I could have a break from him so I could find out, but he wonít do it.
Chronically miserable is no way to live life, in my honest opinion. I really don't know how you deal with it all long-term and on a daily basis. You do need a break!!

And your answer is no on each of those questions? Unless he is forced to because of a fight, in other words? Then none of that comes naturally for him & he's not giving you the love, care and attention you deserve and want.

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Old Dec 30, 2022 at 07:02 AM
  #111
 
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Didnít mean to hijack your thread. Just wanted you to know that you arenít alone with dealing with aging parents. Not easy
Their doctorís office manager let me have it about them in a rant yesterday. When a conversation goes, ďIn all my yearsÖĒ, itís never good.

Just to note how I handled that stressful call as a person diagnosed (a diagnosis I suspect has more to do with my being unable to handle certain relationships only), I calmed down the office manager, apologized on behalf of my parents, and got them help by my being cool and reasonable. Plus, I have to add, I am the only family member actually helping.

I could write such a book, too. It would be horribly traumatic and yet funny. People would be able to relate and commiserate. But I wouldnít because there would be nothing good to come of it.

Iím going to go down to my folks to try to help them this week. They are both doing alright atm.

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Last edited by TishaBuv; Dec 30, 2022 at 07:57 AM.. Reason: Clarify, add more
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Old Dec 30, 2022 at 07:06 AM
  #112
 
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Chronically miserable is no way to live life, in my honest opinion. I really don't know how you deal with it all long-term and on a daily basis. You do need a break!!

And your answer is no on each of those questions? Unless he is forced to because of a fight, in other words? Then none of that comes naturally for him & he's not giving you the love, care and attention you deserve and want.
He just did something again that would have normally triggered me to tears. I am looking at it with a microscope as to if he is doing it intentionally and maliciously. Nah, thatís just who he is and we are incompatible.

I can accept this, disengage from it, make myself happy, appreciate the good things I do have with him.

But, yeah, heís an a hole.

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Old Dec 30, 2022 at 07:58 AM
  #113
 
He's an a hole, he triggers you frequently and you're completely miserable. And it's been this way for years, with nothing changing despite all your efforts to bring you closer and to resolve the issues. Sounds pretty hopeless to me. But it's up to you to make yourself happy, either way. I don't see how you can be happy in this relationship ever, and thats my perspective. It's up to you to make yourself happy.

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Old Dec 30, 2022 at 08:48 AM
  #114
 
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Their doctorís office manager let me have it about them in a rant yesterday. When a conversation goes, ďIn all my yearsÖĒ, itís never good.

Just to note how I handled that stressful call as a person diagnosed (a diagnosis I suspect has more to do with my being unable to handle certain relationships only), I calmed down the office manager, apologized on behalf of my parents, and got them help by my being cool and reasonable. Plus, I have to add, I am the only family member actually helping.

I could write such a book, too. It would be horribly traumatic and yet funny. People would be able to relate and commiserate. But I wouldnít because there would be nothing good to come of it.

Iím going to go down to my folks to try to help them this week. They are both doing alright atm.
Wish you luck on your trip to your folks. Hopefully you are able to help them and they are willing to accept it. Thankfully mine is only 15 minutes away. Hope itís not too long of a trip for you
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Old Dec 30, 2022 at 12:07 PM
  #115
 
Itís definitely a challenge when it comes to aging parents. It definitely requires a lot of patience as they can get moody and frustrated as they have a harder time doing tasks.

What they tend to want the most is a presence they can vent to as things get harder for them. It doesnít necessarily mean they want help doing but more in just a presence to vent to. They tend to not like it if someone takes over. They are already dealing with change they are unhappy about so itís important not to enter their little world with change of any kind.

Often a complaint is not asking for you to do it. The best way to handle that is tell them if they do need help then let you know. This leaves them having the sense of power.
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Old Dec 30, 2022 at 01:10 PM
  #116
 
Let us know how your trip goes. Itís commendable you are involved with your elderly folks in whatever way is reasonable and possible. You mentioned that you are the only one helping. Sadly too many people donít call, donít visit and donít help with aging family yet they are first in line to criticize how others help their parents. Itís easy to leisurely criticize others from the comfort of oneís couch. Sadly those are also people who are first in line demanding every penny they can get from their parents while they are alive and after death. Shameful.

Is your husband going with you?
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Old Dec 30, 2022 at 01:25 PM
  #117
 
TishaBuv, thanks for the suggestion. I've had a brief look at Dr R's site, a lot makes sense.

I also feel I've hijacked this thread, so apologies!

Whatever the dynamics, there's a lot of similarity. Behaviours that are present at an early stage or those that manifest themselves later in life. In my case, my mother has always had a nasty streak....
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Old Dec 30, 2022 at 02:28 PM
  #118
 
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TishaBuv, thanks for the suggestion. I've had a brief look at Dr R's site, a lot makes sense.

I also feel I've hijacked this thread, so apologies!

Whatever the dynamics, there's a lot of similarity. Behaviours that are present at an early stage or those that manifest themselves later in life. In my case, my mother has always had a nasty streak....
Some people with nasty streak mellow down with age but some actually get worse and some stay the same their whole life.

And some people are subtle in their nastiness dishing insults in a subtle passive/aggressive way while pretending to be all meek and weak. Those are in fact the worst because you canít really confront them, ďwhat do you mean I did all that, I am sitting here all little moping in the corner, I mean no harm Ē. They donít care how their subtle nastiness affects others. Everything is about them so whyíd they care how they make others feel. The world evolves around them and how THEY feel

Not all abusers loud and in your face, some are subtle and sneaky
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Old Jan 01, 2023 at 09:13 AM
  #119
 
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He's an a hole, he triggers you frequently and you're completely miserable. And it's been this way for years, with nothing changing despite all your efforts to bring you closer and to resolve the issues. Sounds pretty hopeless to me. But it's up to you to make yourself happy, either way. I don't see how you can be happy in this relationship ever, and thats my perspective. It's up to you to make yourself happy.
This is true. I need to pick a lane and stop the back and forth. He does constantly disappoint and upset me with silly triggering behavior.

NYE was another bad time. I didnít meltdown though, just wen to bed. My tears and words donít matter anymore. He does not have ability to think in ways that I think everybody else does. I have never seen anyone give their partner a completely dispassionate peck on the lips at midnight then immediately text others happy NY. It speaks to me as to the total lack of chemistry we have. I was shocked after the one second peck. My mood dropped. . He noticed and asked why I was upset. I told him. He defended himself (invalidation of my feelings). No argument from me. Nothing I say matters.

My wish for myself in 2023 is to be rid of this man in my home, to be out of this awful union. I wanted it to work out so badly, but it is constant heartbreak.

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Old Jan 01, 2023 at 09:29 AM
  #120
 
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Wish you luck on your trip to your folks. Hopefully you are able to help them and they are willing to accept it. Thankfully mine is only 15 minutes away. Hope itís not too long of a trip for you
I decided not to go. I am proud of myself for sparing myself from that stress at this time. Iím sure Iíll need to go later, but I didnít need to go right now. I sent Mom flowers instead to the hospital. We talk on the phone.

The Mom and FOO situation is complicated. My folks are very elderly and physically feeble. They have no money aside from their home and Social Security. They are still of sound mind, but everything is starting to get worse quickly degenerating. They should be living in assisted living, but they didnít want to go.

My mom is currently in a rehab facility and has stopped the constant complaining, seems to like it atm, says the food is good. So maybe they will both want to go be residents?

I have an aunt and two sisters. They care about Mom with constant phone calls, lots of opinions, and they all give some money to them when they are asked. But none of them have made any calls on their behalf to help them, only me, getting them the aid they need, talking to the doctor.

Mom expected one of us daughters to take her in to live with them. I was the one groomed for this. I sold my big house and ďran awayĒ. None of us are willing to do this. Plus, Mom is a contrarian who gives mixed messages about what she wants, doesnít know what she wants anyway.

So their options are live in their home or a nursing home. I am assisting them to do either, but there will be a lot of fighting when Mom wants to live with me and I have to say no. There is all this drama with her doctor who calls me to say come get your mother and take her!

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