Challenging Family Relationships

Have Hope

What about a path that is best for YOU?

Smart, funny and handsome have nothing to do with how he treats you.

How does he treat you generally speaking? With respect and high regard? Is he supportive of you and compassionate towards you? Does he do considerate and nice things for you that tell you he loves you? Does he shower you with love and affection? Does he follow through on promises made? Do his actions match his words? Do you regularly feel happy when you're around him, and every single day?

My guess is no. From everything you've posted, it seems far more negative than positive in your relationship.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes

divine1966

My alcoholic ex significant other was the funniest guy, very smart and handsome. I don’t think any of it matters. I mean you don’t want a dummy, being smart is needed to properly function in the world beyond the basic “what’s for dinner?”. Other stuff? Not so much.

I think when undecided, it’s wise to consider if you are better with or without? If you are better off with him, then it’s no problem staying even if other things don’t work out perfectly. It’s ok to complain but at the end of the day deciding you are still happier wuth him

I think the fact that you two sit next to each other all day every day might be contributing to the sense of despair. I love my husband dearly and we enjoy our time together. The best time we had when he was on FMLA for 3 months after surgery and my work was closed due to start of pandemics. We were home all day every day and it was the best.

But if it was for years and for remaining life, I’d probably become emotionally unregulated. It doesn’t sound healthy.

You two are too young to be attached to the hip all day every day. Your kids are grown and you need more in life than a husband. I’d go get a job or something or some very involved hobby. You might have something interesting to tell each other at the end of the day

TishaBuv

Have you heard of Dr. Ramani? I am aware of your struggles with your mother. She sounds like a narcissist, and it may be possible the mental health symptoms you and I are showing are coming from being in a narcissist abuse relationship.

I started watching videos by Dr. R on youtube. She also has an online healing program. I recommend it.

The problem with the Ramani philosophy is she says go no contact to heal from the narcissist and I am not going to do that. It’s not just husband, it is a few key family members, too, that I am choosing to keep in my life.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

TishaBuv

Generally speaking- super polite, but a not present person, addicted to media and expecting everything to be done for him. I always did everything for him as we had a traditional marriage like that, very 1950’s. Now that he’s retired, I complained and he is now doing a bit more to be equally contributing. But there’s very little to do anyway; meals, light cleaning.

The response to the other things in that question you asked are it’s complicated. No, he does not do those things but then does after we fight. Repetition compulsion dance.

What is best for me is the big question. Why can’t I end what is making me chronically miserable? Honestly, either scenario with or without him is alright. I could be fine without him, maybe happy, maybe even more unhappy. I wish I could have a break from him so I could find out, but he won’t do it.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

TishaBuv

And I was already dysregulated in the relationship while he was working. The pandemic and his retiring sure didn’t help. No, our alone time on the couch hasn’t been great for us. I got myself stuck and don’t know how or why I am not getting myself unstuck. I know I need to get out and do something. I will keep trying to do that. Maybe today I will. Thanks, D.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

TishaBuv

I’ll say better things-
Elderly parents are in failing health, getting injured while trying to be independent. They stubbornly refuse to cooperate with med professionals and make everything harder for themselves. It is very upsetting (though I am not dysregulated). I don’t know what I can do to help them when they refuse help, horrible to watch.
Husband is here being emotionally supportive. He is upset and frustrated about them too.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

divine1966

Omg tell me about it.

That’s my dad for you. It’s terrible. My brother and I are in constant struggle with it. And before anyone says anything about it, in a situation with my dad it’s not “not wanting to give up independence”.

My dad loves everything to be about him. It’s not age related. He’s been always like this. He was like this at 40. If he is being a martyr everyone pays attention to him. If someone else helps him, attention is off him and on those who helped him (in his mind).

My mom was nothing like that. She was graciously accepting of help. I used to clean their house and my mom loved it. Since she died it’s been a hassle. My dad would do crazy things. Right before my brother would arrive to plow snow or something he’d run outside and do it even though he’d agree to my brother doing it. My brother would arrive to everything done. I can write a novel. The funniest thing he’d complain that he needs help but then refuses help.

We also think he needs to stop driving but it will be a battle. And he also does not cooperate with medical professionals. He goes to see doctors but then claims they know nothing and he wouldn’t follow their directives. “What do they know these doctors?”

divine1966

Didn’t mean to hijack your thread. Just wanted you to know that you aren’t alone with dealing with aging parents. Not easy

Open Eyes

@TishaBuv I think it’s important that you know that a high percentage of women have similar sexual frustrations you experience. Not many care to talk about it in that it’s an uncomfortable conversation to have. Men often fail to learn about women and tend to focus on the wrong things and can be sexually selfish not always knowing they are sexually selfish. A woman can develop anxiety and this only adds to the overall challenge and can become an ongoing source of frustration that has a negative affect on the entire relationship.

This doesn’t always boil down to the man being a narcissist or even deliberately abusing. Often instead it is concluded that the woman is never satisfied no matter what. Hollywood created the illusion that things were much easier than they were, fantasy sells.

Have Hope

Chronically miserable is no way to live life, in my honest opinion. I really don't know how you deal with it all long-term and on a daily basis. You do need a break!!

And your answer is no on each of those questions? Unless he is forced to because of a fight, in other words? Then none of that comes naturally for him & he's not giving you the love, care and attention you deserve and want.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes

TishaBuv

Their doctor’s office manager let me have it about them in a rant yesterday. When a conversation goes, “In all my years…”, it’s never good.

Just to note how I handled that stressful call as a person diagnosed (a diagnosis I suspect has more to do with my being unable to handle certain relationships only), I calmed down the office manager, apologized on behalf of my parents, and got them help by my being cool and reasonable. Plus, I have to add, I am the only family member actually helping.

I could write such a book, too. It would be horribly traumatic and yet funny. People would be able to relate and commiserate. But I wouldn’t because there would be nothing good to come of it.

I’m going to go down to my folks to try to help them this week. They are both doing alright atm.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

TishaBuv

He just did something again that would have normally triggered me to tears. I am looking at it with a microscope as to if he is doing it intentionally and maliciously. Nah, that’s just who he is and we are incompatible.

I can accept this, disengage from it, make myself happy, appreciate the good things I do have with him.

But, yeah, he’s an a hole.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

Have Hope

He's an a hole, he triggers you frequently and you're completely miserable. And it's been this way for years, with nothing changing despite all your efforts to bring you closer and to resolve the issues. Sounds pretty hopeless to me. But it's up to you to make yourself happy, either way. I don't see how you can be happy in this relationship ever, and thats my perspective. It's up to you to make yourself happy.

__________________
"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"

~4 Non Blondes

divine1966

Wish you luck on your trip to your folks. Hopefully you are able to help them and they are willing to accept it. Thankfully mine is only 15 minutes away. Hope it’s not too long of a trip for you

Open Eyes

It’s definitely a challenge when it comes to aging parents. It definitely requires a lot of patience as they can get moody and frustrated as they have a harder time doing tasks.

What they tend to want the most is a presence they can vent to as things get harder for them. It doesn’t necessarily mean they want help doing but more in just a presence to vent to. They tend to not like it if someone takes over. They are already dealing with change they are unhappy about so it’s important not to enter their little world with change of any kind.

Often a complaint is not asking for you to do it. The best way to handle that is tell them if they do need help then let you know. This leaves them having the sense of power.

divine1966

Let us know how your trip goes. It’s commendable you are involved with your elderly folks in whatever way is reasonable and possible. You mentioned that you are the only one helping. Sadly too many people don’t call, don’t visit and don’t help with aging family yet they are first in line to criticize how others help their parents. It’s easy to leisurely criticize others from the comfort of one’s couch. Sadly those are also people who are first in line demanding every penny they can get from their parents while they are alive and after death. Shameful.

Is your husband going with you?

poshgirl

TishaBuv, thanks for the suggestion. I've had a brief look at Dr R's site, a lot makes sense.

I also feel I've hijacked this thread, so apologies!

Whatever the dynamics, there's a lot of similarity. Behaviours that are present at an early stage or those that manifest themselves later in life. In my case, my mother has always had a nasty streak....

divine1966

Some people with nasty streak mellow down with age but some actually get worse and some stay the same their whole life.

And some people are subtle in their nastiness dishing insults in a subtle passive/aggressive way while pretending to be all meek and weak. Those are in fact the worst because you can’t really confront them, “what do you mean I did all that, I am sitting here all little moping in the corner, I mean no harm ”. They don’t care how their subtle nastiness affects others. Everything is about them so why’d they care how they make others feel. The world evolves around them and how THEY feel

Not all abusers loud and in your face, some are subtle and sneaky

TishaBuv

This is true. I need to pick a lane and stop the back and forth. He does constantly disappoint and upset me with silly triggering behavior.

NYE was another bad time. I didn’t meltdown though, just wen to bed. My tears and words don’t matter anymore. He does not have ability to think in ways that I think everybody else does. I have never seen anyone give their partner a completely dispassionate peck on the lips at midnight then immediately text others happy NY. It speaks to me as to the total lack of chemistry we have. I was shocked after the one second peck. My mood dropped. . He noticed and asked why I was upset. I told him. He defended himself (invalidation of my feelings). No argument from me. Nothing I say matters.

My wish for myself in 2023 is to be rid of this man in my home, to be out of this awful union. I wanted it to work out so badly, but it is constant heartbreak.

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T

TishaBuv

I decided not to go. I am proud of myself for sparing myself from that stress at this time. I’m sure I’ll need to go later, but I didn’t need to go right now. I sent Mom flowers instead to the hospital. We talk on the phone.

The Mom and FOO situation is complicated. My folks are very elderly and physically feeble. They have no money aside from their home and Social Security. They are still of sound mind, but everything is starting to get worse quickly degenerating. They should be living in assisted living, but they didn’t want to go.

My mom is currently in a rehab facility and has stopped the constant complaining, seems to like it atm, says the food is good. So maybe they will both want to go be residents?

I have an aunt and two sisters. They care about Mom with constant phone calls, lots of opinions, and they all give some money to them when they are asked. But none of them have made any calls on their behalf to help them, only me, getting them the aid they need, talking to the doctor.

Mom expected one of us daughters to take her in to live with them. I was the one groomed for this. I sold my big house and “ran away”. None of us are willing to do this. Plus, Mom is a contrarian who gives mixed messages about what she wants, doesn’t know what she wants anyway.

So their options are live in their home or a nursing home. I am assisting them to do either, but there will be a lot of fighting when Mom wants to live with me and I have to say no. There is all this drama with her doctor who calls me to say come get your mother and take her!

__________________
"And don't say it hasn't been a little slice of heaven, 'cause it hasn't!"
. About Me--T