Is my fickle sister really disturbed?

I was in the hospital this summer. They told me I might need to come back for major surgery. (That's still up in the air.) While there, I got a call from my sister on the other side of the country. She had been drinking. She told me to get rid of my car and my furniture and leave my apartment, so I could travel thousands of miles to where she lived and move in with her. That way, she said, I would be near family. Then she and her nearby daughters would be able to look after me. If I didn't adopt her plan, all kind of awful things would happen to me . . . according to her.

I'm not disabled in any way. I've been looking after myself just fine. However, I have some anxiety about maybe needing surgery. That night I had nightmares that I knew were prompted by her phone call. In the morning, I sent her a text saying that her phone call added to my stress and left me upset.

She texted back a sweet apology. I appreciated that and texted her that I was grateful for her concern and offer of help . . . but that I had to use my own judgement. Since then I'm getting the cold shoulder from her. I've called her and texted her a few times. Always she's busy and has no time to talk. So I've stopped reaching out.

I don't know what to make of her. First she wants me to go live with her. Now she has gone months ignoring me. I'm starting to suspect she may have an actual psych disorder. The spree drinking may also be a factor. I'm trying to understand her, but I don't.

Every few years, something happens where she gets extremely offended and more or less cuts off contact with me. In the past, she has eventually gotten over these falling outs and gone back to being a good friend and caring sister. But it keeps happening. I'm always worried that the latest falling out is going to be the end of our relationship. She has cut a lot of people out of her life.

Though I don't go around diagnosing people, I've really wondered about her mental health. She strikes me as a person with a moderate degree of Borderline Personality Disorder. When angry - especially under the influence of alcohol - she can become almost psychotic. (This has led to her being put in handcuffs a few times, so I'm not exaggerating.)

I think the world of her, but the stress of trying to stay on her good side - and failing - has mounted up over the years. I think about different options of how to connect with her, but I keep deciding to do nothing. I don't want to be rebuffed and hurt.

I'm open to advice. I'ld be especially interested, if anyone reading this has dealt with borderline personality disorder in someone close to them.

Hi, Rose76. I see no one has tackled your question. I am very familiar with borderline personality disorder, since I once had the diagnosis, but my last several psychiatrists say they don't see that in me, after I dealt with my anger from the past and went through two bouts of DBT.

At any rate, of course, we can't diagnose here, but from those examples of her rejecting you and then returning, it does seem like her reactions are extreme--i.e., a black-white, good-bad responses. And that's in keeping with being borderline.

Of course, we add her drinking into the mix, as you say.

The "all sorts of bad things will happen to you" remark also seems strange to me. Was it a threat? Just an attempt to make you scared enough to move? Or some sort of delusional thought?

I suggest you just leave the ball in her court and accept her when she's a nice sister and friend--but also accept that sometimes she falls out with you, and she'll come back when she's ready. I hope she returns, if that's what you want, but I don't think you'll be able to do or say anything that will help. You might have to accept that she's just that way.

Has she had any psychological treatment? Been put on a mental ward? If so, then she would have received some sort of diagnosis. Wgat do other people think of her behavior?

The fact that she'd have to be put in handcuffs sometimes after getting so mad seems to clinch the idea that she has some mental issue to me. But, again, please remember that I don't have the qualifications to make an official diagnosis. Okay?

What do the rest of you think?

@Travelinglady - I'm just now seeing your post. Somehow I missed it. Thanks. Your suggestion of me leaving the ball in her court feels right to me.

She was hospitalized once for slitting her wrists when she was a lot younger. The cuts were superficial. She never pursued any mental health treatment. She has said she doesn't "believe in that stuff." Yes, she can have a black and white view of people, over-idealizing sometimes and demonizing at other times. She carries a lot of anger, but can be warm and good-natured. I've known her to say awful things about people that weren't true. When drinking she tends to get depressed.

It's sad to have hard feelings going on at this time of year. I tend to think there must be something I can do and should do to make things right between us. That just leads to me getting more distressed. I accept that she is as she is and probably wrestles with inner demons of her own.

I don't think I'll do anything about this. Just wait and see. Thanks for indicating that that would be alright.

I have dealt with people with borderline PD. Yes.

Of course not are all the same, but the ones I know share black and white thinking, blaming others for everything and complete and utter unpredictability. You seem to never ever know what comes next with them. You can’t fix them. And you can’t make them see things any different way.

They can get better if they work hard on themselves. One in my family has been improving. Not significantly enough but certainly has been doing better.

The last time she has been estranged from us for about a year was all because my husband suggested in a most loving ways that we reschedule our visit to her house because at that time she lived two hours away and was asking us to drive see her for only one hour as she had other plans. When he suggested we maybe move the plans to another day when she has more time, she possibly perceived it as a rejection and started screaming the most horrible obscenities. He tried to interrupt saying we will come but maybe like next day whenever she is free but she just screamed and screamed and then cut contacts. But when she decided to resume contacts she acted like nothing happened. She’s been good for the past year or so but we always wait for the other shoe to drop.

As about telling you to sell your stuff and move with her that’s weirdly common too. The one I am talking about convinced her mother (sadly also diagnosed with BPD) to sell all her stuff and move in with her. She did but it only lasted a few months, they got into a fight and she kicked her mother out like literally on the street. So moving in with your sister would be dangerous and will only last until she starts acting badly again. You might end up on the street or homeless shelter. No thanks

I’d say sending a card or calling with happy holidays is s good plan. Show your love and see if she can behave. It’s up to her to try acting better. You can’t fix her. You can still love her and show your love from the distance

You mentioned they typically alienate and cut contacts with everyone. Both family and friends. The one I mentioned lost all of her friends and in the family she only has contact with me and my husband. No contact with anyone. No friends and no family. Always over some type of real or perceived exaggerated drama, everyone is always after her.

PS I incorrectly assumed your sister has BPD. I misread your post. So people I am talking about one was actually diagnosed and the other was told she has traits. So it might be irrelevant but from from you describe it sounds she might have it. Or if she doesn’t have BPD, it might be something else similar to it. Bottom line there is nothing you can do. Nothing

If you want your sister in your life, how about a simple:
[Some sort of Christmas/holiday greeting] followed by
"I am here if and when you would like my friendship".

It is a neutral olive branch not assigning blame on her, or putting it on yourself.

However, as Divine stated don't move in with her. You will get the boot sooner or later. If you wanted to move to be close to family, have your own independent place.

@divine1966 - I am very grateful for your post, as I think the experience you've shared sounds so much like what I'm dealing with. The family member you describe sounds more severely afflicted than my sister, but the parallels are uncanny.

My sister has a daughter whose marriage completely collapsed. My sister insisted that her daughter move back home with her and her father. They lived in a different state. So my distraught niece, heart-broken over her husband's infidelity, moved back into my sister's 4 room apartment, taking her little son. Then I would get phone calls from my niece. She would be crying, saying that my sister told her to get out. My niece would tell me her mother said she could leave her little boy, but she was being told to go out into the street and not come back. My niece had nowhere to go, even temporarily. My sister would also demand that my brother-in-law back her up, and he would. Eventually, the drama would simmer down, and life would go on. (But it happened repeatedly.) They managed to all move to a good size home that they rented. I never let my sister know that my niece had told me about these incidents. So, yes, I'ld have to be crazy to entertain my sister's invitation for me to live with her.

My niece also told me that her mother would threaten suicide from time to time, while she was drinking. She was also given to screaming fits on occasion. Neighbors have called the police on her for her hostile, unruly behavior.

In between these incidents of extreme behavior, my sister can seem perfectly fine and normal. She can seem likable and responsible and even has a good sense of humor. Over the years, though, she seems to have lost all her friends. Her husband died. Then she cut off all contact with his family and wanted her adult daughters to do the same.

I think all this adds up to some kind of a personality disorder. I'm not a lover of psych labels. But I find that BPD helps me understand what to expect of her. This is an enduring pattern of dysfunctional behavior. I feel bad for her because she seems to be in the grip of something that takes over and drives these episodes of bizarre behavior.

I am heart-broken to have bad feelings between us. We actually have always been very close. She can be a completely different person at her best. Right now, I'm trying to prioritize my own welfare. It's been a rough year for me with 3 hospital admissions. We live thousands of miles apart. I have my own psych issues, dealing with depression and anxiety. This rift has affected me in a bad way. I may have to accept that I'm not going to have our relationship be the way I want it to be. I feel like there's nothing I can do, without risking getting hurt more. Maybe this will all blow over. I've been through this repeatedly with her. In her mind I'm guilty of something. I wrack my brain thinking I must have been insensitive and said something that made her feel bad. Then, on the other hand, I'm tired of walking on egg-shells, worried about setting her off. It's way too stressful. To accept that there's nothing I can do is hard.

@RockyRoad007 - I have every intention of staying right where I am. If I ever decided to move closer to family, I would need a place of my own.

My sister was widowed at a younger-than-usual age. I wonder if that's why she is so eager for me to move in with her. Maybe she needs the companionship. Possibly she wants another person to split the rent with. I feel like there's some motivation that I don't understand.

I called her back when this all started and tried to be warm and friendly. I got kind of rebuffed. I'm not putting myself through that again. She knows I'm here. She knows I'ld like to hear from her.

My sister has this track record of making people feel very insecure in their relationship with her. I think I would rather just give up than keep playing this toxic game. I feel like she's waiting for me to call, so she can be cold and continue punishing me. If I don't hear from her between now and Christmas, then what she's doing will be very clear. It's mean and nothing that I deserve. I believe in being very committed to the people I love. My sister has always had a hard time with commitment. She renegs on promises all the time. No one trusts her to keep any commitments. I guess I have to ask myself if I've been trying too hard to hold on to too little. When they were alive, even my parents told me that I had a lot to learn about this sister.

Taking others into one’s home gives some people sense of identity, purpose and meaning that they are otherwise lacking in their every day life. Things your sister does are almost identical to what my person X and her mother both did/do.

@divine1966 - this is why I think she has a recognizable behavior pattern. I doubt she'ld ever be willing to consider that. I'm sad to think that this may never change.

I also have another sibling, with similar issues, only way, way worse. My brother gets arrested on a regular basis for his intemperate behavior. I've read that males who are chronically in difficulty with the law tend to get diagnosed as having antisocial personality disorder. Some researchers believe that, often, these men would more correctly fit the category of BPD. My brother seems like he could qualify for either category. But I've always noticed that he seems mainly driven by extreme insecurity. He has very unstable identity. He's very clingy to anyone he thinks is a friend. Then, if they disappoint him in any way, he feels unforgivably betrayed. Ten years ago, he wanted me to share a house with him. (Not that I was interested.) Subsequently, I denied him an unreasonable favor he wanted. He hasn't spoken to be since, in about 9 years.

Maybe it's just as well that I do live far from family.

What you describe, your brother's behavior, does fit BPD more so than Anti-Social PD. Also, that you sister slit her wrists superficially is also in line with the BPD dx. But of course if she does not accept the idea of mental health treatment, we will never know for sure what her dx is.

I guess my hope had been that, over time, these two siblings of mine would mature out of these behaviors. Actually, I wasn't all that hopeful in my brother's case. With my sister, I really am surprised that this is happening again. Maybe I've had unrealistic expectations. I guess it's me who has to adjust to the reality that this is who she is.

Maintaining close family relationships across a long geographic distance is not easy. For years I've put in what I think was considerable effort - remembering kids' birthdays, flying out for important occasions, making sizable financial contributions. You can't build a bridge from one side only. You have to be met from the other side.

I have another sister. Yesterday, I picked up a box from her at the post office. It was filled with wrapped gifts to put under my tree. I have that to be thankful for.

I'm tired and need a nap. Fretting over what others do or don't do can wear a person out. It's sure not the best use of my mental energy.

I'm not doing well coming to terms with this.

I guess over time I'll become resigned to the idea that what is is.

It's not good ever to depend too much on the good will of another.

I've been depressed. I wasn't sure why. Now I think it has a lot to do with this relationship problem. When my boyfriend was alive, I didn't take things with my siblings so much to heart. My relationship with him filled my life. Plus, his needs kept me busy. Now I'm too idle - by choice - picking apart things that I need to leave alone. I'm making myself really blue, which is pretty stupid.