Friend who cause trauma wants to meet up after 4 years not talking to each other.

So this old friend well I thought was a friend but after going to therapy I realised their behaviour and commication was gaslighting, invalidating, projecting blame on other people and down right a bully.

This friendship goes way.....back to begining stages of high school.
I was 12-13 at the time and this friend we will give them a fake name for the sake for their privacy we will name them Ashely.

Ashely became friends with this girl who I was friends with at primary school we will named them Rachel.
My friendship with Rachel was very off and on and she would tend to bully me and then I will come back being all sorry and we be friends again.
At the time I had no idea this was too a toxic friendship.

So Ashely and Rachel thought it be a great idea and pretty much bully me for that whole year.
Her mother even got involved and rang my mum and harassed her as well.

It ended up with myself, Rachel and Ashely having a meeting with the teacher.
I was blamed for everything. Rachel show evidence from a note I gave her saying I think it would be best we weren't friends. But they never show the notes I found of them talking behind my back in their desk.

Following year unfortunately I was in the same class as Ashely. Again she bullied me.

The last year of that school before I changed school was the turning point.

I told Ashely that I had a dream about us being naked and looking at each other. You might wonder why I told her, well at the time we were "friends". Well so I thought.
I felt guilty for some reason to have this dream so I guess in the back of my mind if I confess it, then the guilt will go away.
I was going to a catholic all girl school. So the whole confessional thing being brought up Catholic was at the time very deep in me.

Ashely litterally ran away and told everyone I was gay. Yes we are talking about early 2000's here so at the time it wasn't accepted to be gay.
You weren't even allowed by law to be married if you were gay.

My mum got involved and they had a teachers meeting. They decided to friend some students in my year to join there group to stop Ashely from bullying me.

Well Ashely seem to have some sort of revenge in her and pretty much harassed and ruined my group of friends.

Basically it got so bad I had six weeks off school and moved to a public school.

I realised at the public school I wasn't gay. I believed what Ashely told me was true because at the time I had a lack sense of myself who I was as a person. However once I went to a public school and their was oppostie sex I realised I wasn't.

One year without Ashely was a blessing. Although she still try to get to me by talking to some guy at my school and he started saying stuff. But no one take notice of him, thank goodness.

Following year you wouldnt believe it!
But she came to my school!
Someone from my old pervious school who I happened to work with after school at this cleaning job. Told me Ashely bullied someone else and spread rumours, no one believed her and she became a loner. Sitting by a gym eating her lunch.
I thought to myself wow karma got her.

However I was aboustely scared of her being at my school now. It felt like she was haunting me.
We ended up being in the same IT class together.
The teacher decided for us to sit next to each other, oddly. Basically we became friends and I learnt a lot that her family was pretty much emotionally, verbally abusive to her.

It made sense to me why she behaved the way she did because she didn't know how else to deal with it. It didn't gave a excuse for her behaviour but it gave a big picture what was going on.

Next I also discovered Ashely was bisexual and once asked me to go with her to this homosexual class for students. I said to her I wasn't gay but she believed I was this whole time.

I realised then and there she projected herself on to me. The part she couldn't accept of herself.

After we finished school we went to a art course together.
Everything was fine until this pattern of bullying started again.
Ashely realised when we went to our art course that this other girl we will name her Jowita went to the same school we all did. But I never knew her since our school was massive and had a lot of students.

We all sat in the same class but over time Ashely and Jowita started to bully me. It was litterally all over again from what happened with Ashely and Rachel.

I always asked for help for some things with written theory. They got impatient with me and I felt I was in the way, so I asked the teacher if they could move my desk.

Ashely and Jowita stopped talking to me. I felt isolated and lonely.
The teacher for some werid reason stopped helping me.
Later on I found out that the teacher was hitting on Ashely. Maybe Ashely said some stuff about me to the teacher?

I remember it all came down when I joked to a class mate in class how you wouldn't want Ashely to look after kids because she takes drugs. Which a few of students did and I don't think the teacher care at all. It was obvious who was taking drugs or not.

Suddenly after class I was in the elevator and just joking with Ashely, at that time we were talking terms.Then as we step out of elevator and I was about to step out of the building Ashely switch her behaviour and told me not to say that about her and drugs because she could get kick out of class if they found out she was on drugs.
I thought at the time she was being paraiond and the teacher probably knew like many other students and didn't care.
I told her I was sorry but she walked off in a huff with Jowita.

I felt really ashamed and guilty. I txt her saying I'm really sorry but Ashely and Jowita started to get really cruel and started sending abusive txt messages to me. I recalled laying on the floor in my mother's house after I got back from my class and cried so hard.

I was then bullied by them even more so, I eventually had to change class rooms.

Same pattern as in high school changing schools

I was left alone by them and they never spoke to me.

My partner told me this year's later that back then Ashely and Jowita try to talk bad about me to him. Thankfully my partner told them "I be judgement of that" and walked away from them.

Following year I thought to mend things with them. I recalled Ashely was like "Oh no stay away" but Jowita thought "hang on let's just mend things"
and we'll... I was pretty much wasn't allowed to sit next to them. I didn't realised at the time they weren't friends but I had such a bad habit blamming myself for every situation that happen with them I couldn't see pass it.

During that year Jowita take me to the side and told me in privacy that last year when Ashely was sending abusive txt messages to me and as well her. That it was actually Ashely using Jowita phone. Jowita asked Ashely but why? and she said I need back up.

I still think Jowita is still responsbile for it, since when Jowita got home and had her phone with her. She could've message me and say it wasn't her back then. Plus she still gave the phone to Ashely.

After that year I didn't went back to that art course.

It really affected my mental health I found myself crying the toilets at that art course. Plus my socail anxiety just sky rocketed.
I try to do another different course but I was so afarid I be bullied I stopped going. I did notice I became hyper aware of things like if I saw two girls laughing I assume they were laughing at me. I ended up crying after the course as well.

Later on Ashely showed up again probably back in 2014 -2015. We became chatty and got along. She asked if she could stay at my mum's house cause of her father was being abusive. My mum let her, eventually it got too much so...she moved out. She never really hang out with me just stay, worked and then hang with friends.
I felt a bit used.

Later on I notice most on Ashely's and Jowita's Facebook page of photos of them hanging out. I felt hurt and upset because they never invited me. I always thought what was wrong with me?

Then they suddnely included me in. It all came to a end when I didn't want to go to a bush walk because of my anxiety. Ashely pretty much gaslighted me project blame on me. Very toxic commication that I notice looking back.
So she stopped talking to me.

Jowita was nice and message me saying she didn't want to take part with what Ashely was doing.

Unfortunately with Jowita that friendship fell a part too in 2017. But that's another story altogether.

My last interaction with Ashely would be back in 2017. When I was mentally unwell and had a crappy, terrible student therapist that made my symptoms worse. She was kind enough to ask to hang out with this other person who I knew at our art class but I didn't really knew them that well enough.
It was some thing small that Ashely did but it made me feel small and ashamed and kinda dumb.

Ashely asked me when we were at the mall at a shoe shop ,how much these two schools bags cost together. I just gave a randmon guess, I'm not good at maths and have dsylexia.
Ashely knew I did not do well at school neither did she since we were in this Learning class at school together.
Basically I gave a randmon number and she told me "That's wrong, usally people get it right".

I was shocked and confused why she did that because I didn't do anything before during the day we hang out to upset her.

I asked her later on why she did that? she told me she thought it was cute.

I then message Jowita what happened and they told me when they use to hang out with Ashely and with that same person from that art course. They would make fun of the words she would say and English is her second language. Which I look back was really mean.


I try to mend things back in 2018 after I got better and got myself a descent therapist.

However I notice they take forever to reply back as usally it be months if she ever got back to you. I thought I can't really have a friendship with someone like this that never replies.

They did ask to hang out in 2019 but I refused after going to therapy and knowing this whole time this friend was toxic.
I back off.

However now Ashely has message me saying they coming back overseas and say they miss me after 4 years of not talking and want to meetup.
I message her back to be nice but I realised I'm actually scared of her seeing her.

Is it even worth to pursue this friendship again?
I always think well maybe she has changed.
However as my sister told me it's like going back to abusive realtionship.

Thoughts?

thank you for reading my long message and my history with this friend.

I do appericate you taking your time to read this and any advice would be much appericate it. ❤️

Oh wow thank you for replying back, that was very encouraging and heart warming.

I still blame myself. Especailly the Sophie person who didn't want to be friends again. After 1 year of apologsing to her back in 2017 and then towards the end of 2018, liked one of her Instagram art pictures and she blocked me.

It was only in 2019 probably because I kept harassing Kare about Sophie that Kate agreed to send that apology to Sophie.

I was left dissapointed because I sent her this long message saying I'm sorry and try to put myself in her shoes. And then she just sends this short message that's not very depth at all.

What bothers me is that I have never meet a person who have never forgiven someone.
At first I thought she forgave me but maybe in 2021 Kate was like "She will only forgive you if you are sorry for everything "
I felt so hurt ,shocked and confused.
I said to Kate "But I said that apology"
and Kate response was "oh yeah"
This was all by messager by the way.

I have never meet Kate since 2017. But I do notice how they hang with Sophie many times.
I've notice that Kate changed her tone and stopped talking to me much since she sent that apology message to Sophie.

I thought if I could figure out if Sophie is a narccism then some how that will lift off the guilt I feel and carry with me.

I assume she is narc because how it seems she lacks empathy. For example when I told her how my grandma died, she just carried on with the converstation she was perviously talking about. Then later on during that year she came to me by messager saying how her online friend died and she was shocked. I felt resentment and thought why should I be their for you if you weren't their when my grandma died.

Question what is a energy vampires and spirit crushers?
I have heard engery vampires and how they use people engery and you feel competetly drained.

However I haven't heard of spirit crushes.
Could you explain them to me as well how can you notice them early on so it's not years of it?