Friend who cause trauma wants to meet up after 4 years not talking to each other.

So this old friend well I thought was a friend but after going to therapy I realised their behaviour and commication was gaslighting, invalidating, projecting blame on other people and down right a bully.

This friendship goes way.....back to begining stages of high school.
I was 12-13 at the time and this friend we will give them a fake name for the sake for their privacy we will name them Ashely.

Ashely became friends with this girl who I was friends with at primary school we will named them Rachel.
My friendship with Rachel was very off and on and she would tend to bully me and then I will come back being all sorry and we be friends again.
At the time I had no idea this was too a toxic friendship.

So Ashely and Rachel thought it be a great idea and pretty much bully me for that whole year.
Her mother even got involved and rang my mum and harassed her as well.

It ended up with myself, Rachel and Ashely having a meeting with the teacher.
I was blamed for everything. Rachel show evidence from a note I gave her saying I think it would be best we weren't friends. But they never show the notes I found of them talking behind my back in their desk.

Following year unfortunately I was in the same class as Ashely. Again she bullied me.

The last year of that school before I changed school was the turning point.

I told Ashely that I had a dream about us being naked and looking at each other. You might wonder why I told her, well at the time we were "friends". Well so I thought.
I felt guilty for some reason to have this dream so I guess in the back of my mind if I confess it, then the guilt will go away.
I was going to a catholic all girl school. So the whole confessional thing being brought up Catholic was at the time very deep in me.

Ashely litterally ran away and told everyone I was gay. Yes we are talking about early 2000's here so at the time it wasn't accepted to be gay.
You weren't even allowed by law to be married if you were gay.

My mum got involved and they had a teachers meeting. They decided to friend some students in my year to join there group to stop Ashely from bullying me.

Well Ashely seem to have some sort of revenge in her and pretty much harassed and ruined my group of friends.

Basically it got so bad I had six weeks off school and moved to a public school.

I realised at the public school I wasn't gay. I believed what Ashely told me was true because at the time I had a lack sense of myself who I was as a person. However once I went to a public school and their was oppostie sex I realised I wasn't.

One year without Ashely was a blessing. Although she still try to get to me by talking to some guy at my school and he started saying stuff. But no one take notice of him, thank goodness.

Following year you wouldnt believe it!
But she came to my school!
Someone from my old pervious school who I happened to work with after school at this cleaning job. Told me Ashely bullied someone else and spread rumours, no one believed her and she became a loner. Sitting by a gym eating her lunch.
I thought to myself wow karma got her.

However I was aboustely scared of her being at my school now. It felt like she was haunting me.
We ended up being in the same IT class together.
The teacher decided for us to sit next to each other, oddly. Basically we became friends and I learnt a lot that her family was pretty much emotionally, verbally abusive to her.

It made sense to me why she behaved the way she did because she didn't know how else to deal with it. It didn't gave a excuse for her behaviour but it gave a big picture what was going on.

Next I also discovered Ashely was bisexual and once asked me to go with her to this homosexual class for students. I said to her I wasn't gay but she believed I was this whole time.

I realised then and there she projected herself on to me. The part she couldn't accept of herself.

After we finished school we went to a art course together.
Everything was fine until this pattern of bullying started again.
Ashely realised when we went to our art course that this other girl we will name her Jowita went to the same school we all did. But I never knew her since our school was massive and had a lot of students.

We all sat in the same class but over time Ashely and Jowita started to bully me. It was litterally all over again from what happened with Ashely and Rachel.

I always asked for help for some things with written theory. They got impatient with me and I felt I was in the way, so I asked the teacher if they could move my desk.

Ashely and Jowita stopped talking to me. I felt isolated and lonely.
The teacher for some werid reason stopped helping me.
Later on I found out that the teacher was hitting on Ashely. Maybe Ashely said some stuff about me to the teacher?

I remember it all came down when I joked to a class mate in class how you wouldn't want Ashely to look after kids because she takes drugs. Which a few of students did and I don't think the teacher care at all. It was obvious who was taking drugs or not.

Suddenly after class I was in the elevator and just joking with Ashely, at that time we were talking terms.Then as we step out of elevator and I was about to step out of the building Ashely switch her behaviour and told me not to say that about her and drugs because she could get kick out of class if they found out she was on drugs.
I thought at the time she was being paraiond and the teacher probably knew like many other students and didn't care.
I told her I was sorry but she walked off in a huff with Jowita.

I felt really ashamed and guilty. I txt her saying I'm really sorry but Ashely and Jowita started to get really cruel and started sending abusive txt messages to me. I recalled laying on the floor in my mother's house after I got back from my class and cried so hard.

I was then bullied by them even more so, I eventually had to change class rooms.

Same pattern as in high school changing schools

I was left alone by them and they never spoke to me.

My partner told me this year's later that back then Ashely and Jowita try to talk bad about me to him. Thankfully my partner told them "I be judgement of that" and walked away from them.

Following year I thought to mend things with them. I recalled Ashely was like "Oh no stay away" but Jowita thought "hang on let's just mend things"
and we'll... I was pretty much wasn't allowed to sit next to them. I didn't realised at the time they weren't friends but I had such a bad habit blamming myself for every situation that happen with them I couldn't see pass it.

During that year Jowita take me to the side and told me in privacy that last year when Ashely was sending abusive txt messages to me and as well her. That it was actually Ashely using Jowita phone. Jowita asked Ashely but why? and she said I need back up.

I still think Jowita is still responsbile for it, since when Jowita got home and had her phone with her. She could've message me and say it wasn't her back then. Plus she still gave the phone to Ashely.

After that year I didn't went back to that art course.

It really affected my mental health I found myself crying the toilets at that art course. Plus my socail anxiety just sky rocketed.
I try to do another different course but I was so afarid I be bullied I stopped going. I did notice I became hyper aware of things like if I saw two girls laughing I assume they were laughing at me. I ended up crying after the course as well.

Later on Ashely showed up again probably back in 2014 -2015. We became chatty and got along. She asked if she could stay at my mum's house cause of her father was being abusive. My mum let her, eventually it got too much so...she moved out. She never really hang out with me just stay, worked and then hang with friends.
I felt a bit used.

Later on I notice most on Ashely's and Jowita's Facebook page of photos of them hanging out. I felt hurt and upset because they never invited me. I always thought what was wrong with me?

Then they suddnely included me in. It all came to a end when I didn't want to go to a bush walk because of my anxiety. Ashely pretty much gaslighted me project blame on me. Very toxic commication that I notice looking back.
So she stopped talking to me.

Jowita was nice and message me saying she didn't want to take part with what Ashely was doing.

Unfortunately with Jowita that friendship fell a part too in 2017. But that's another story altogether.

My last interaction with Ashely would be back in 2017. When I was mentally unwell and had a crappy, terrible student therapist that made my symptoms worse. She was kind enough to ask to hang out with this other person who I knew at our art class but I didn't really knew them that well enough.
It was some thing small that Ashely did but it made me feel small and ashamed and kinda dumb.

Ashely asked me when we were at the mall at a shoe shop ,how much these two schools bags cost together. I just gave a randmon guess, I'm not good at maths and have dsylexia.
Ashely knew I did not do well at school neither did she since we were in this Learning class at school together.
Basically I gave a randmon number and she told me "That's wrong, usally people get it right".

I was shocked and confused why she did that because I didn't do anything before during the day we hang out to upset her.

I asked her later on why she did that? she told me she thought it was cute.

I then message Jowita what happened and they told me when they use to hang out with Ashely and with that same person from that art course. They would make fun of the words she would say and English is her second language. Which I look back was really mean.


I try to mend things back in 2018 after I got better and got myself a descent therapist.

However I notice they take forever to reply back as usally it be months if she ever got back to you. I thought I can't really have a friendship with someone like this that never replies.

They did ask to hang out in 2019 but I refused after going to therapy and knowing this whole time this friend was toxic.
I back off.

However now Ashely has message me saying they coming back overseas and say they miss me after 4 years of not talking and want to meetup.
I message her back to be nice but I realised I'm actually scared of her seeing her.

Is it even worth to pursue this friendship again?
I always think well maybe she has changed.
However as my sister told me it's like going back to abusive realtionship.

Thoughts?

thank you for reading my long message and my history with this friend.

I do appericate you taking your time to read this and any advice would be much appericate it. ❤️

Don’t let these individuals back into your life. Too toxic and jealous of you to ever be a healthy friendship.

Too many red flags, don't let them back in, they'll just start the bullying again

My advice is to stay far away from them.

I’d let them go on their own path, I don’t see anything in your post to make me think they were ever friends. Friends don’t treat friends like that.

Look at all the negative energy you experienced writing your long post about these individuals. Life is much too short to have this negativity in your life. You deserve to be happy and have people in your life that bring good feelings and experiences, not people that bring you unpleasant feelings about yourself and your value.

Please know these individuals were never worthy of being considered as friends.

No I don’t think you should rekindle anything with this crew. They sound awful. Try to surround yourself with nice people. There is no need to reconnect with unpleasant people

No, I think you should avoid all contact with Ashley and not agree to see her. Bullies and abusers do not change. That's wishful and hopeful thinking. It will be the same negative drama all over again, and you will regret it if you agree to see her. I would decline and move on with your life without the bullies being involved.

Hey thank you for reading my messages, I know it was super long, so thanks for your patience reading it.

I told my therapist she said either you say you need a break of the friendship or you are happy to talk just not meet up.
I thought to go for happy to chat but not to meet up because I already was having converstation with her. This happen before I made this post.

Now I am having second thoughts about if I even should talk to her.
"It's what I've notice even with talking to my other friends. Constantly vaildating them and that what the whole converstation is about their problems.

I'm going to show you what she said and I said to give you a idea. The one part I don't like is the banana part. I did notice each time I mention not seeing her she mention not seeing her old face or how she has gotten old or her dressing up as banana.
I started to feel ashamed and not understood. Or made fun of.

So I told her I am not ready to meet her. I said this
"So I know you want to meet up in person when you come here and it would be nice, but I'm not ready to meet in person yet. I'm happy to message each other and stay in touch but I'm working on some things for myself.
I hope you can understand.❤️"

Ashely response to this reply was
"Oh thats ok Apple I understand, I won't push anything. You won't see my old face then 😂 I've gotten so old"

I felt a bit guilty her saying You won't see my old face then. I've gotten so old.

I then replied back and said
"Thank you for you understanding. My socail anxiety isn't that great. I have been exposing myself going to caffees on my own etc. Oh no I saw a photo of you on Instagram you don't look old. You look good"

Steph's
"That's ok Apple I understand, I'm sorry you're feeling like that, no pressure at all and when ever you feel like you want to meet me I'll be there, I can dress like a banana too 🍌 but if not thats ok 🙂"

I was left confused I didn't understand why she mention the banana. I felt made fun of, ashamed. I told her something very vunerable and it's like oh yeah I totally understand but I can dress up as banana. Making fun of my anxiety. Or thats cool, you don't need to see my old face.

Alot of other things she was seeking vadilation a lot which I thought was odd when you haven't spoken to someone for ages.

Here are some copy paste converstation we had just to give a idea.

I'm so excited about coming I could cry, it's been so long I've got a French accent (I'm joking haha) but I'm also nervous about the flight over, and my work over there and everything. But I'm sure it will work out 🤞 I was excited to reply but now I'll sleep haha, have a lovely day! ❤️

My response to her nervousness flight over here was.
"We have lived at our new place for about a month now heh.

Awwwww......Ashely you must be so happy. hahaha french accent that be cute on you. Oh why you nervous about the flight over? is it the long flight cause that cause me anxiety once in Abu Dhabi. Or is it just getting out from such a long time been away?

I have notice you have done your awesome business! it looks so adorable! I'm so proud of you. It takes guts to make a business from the ground up!

Ashely's response

Oh I'm so nervous something will go wrong and I'll be trapped in Malaysia or something 😂 or my business will be shut down for going overseas because of security stuff. But its just me stressing cause I like to stress haha, also seeing my parents old. I still invision them younger in my mind.

Thank you Apple🥰 it's a dream come true and I must have gotten lucky, its my full time job now

My response back to Ashely was
Oh that's understandable being nervous about stopping by Malaysia and worried to get trap some where. I be so scared to do it on my own 😖 so you are doing really well and being brave. I'm sure things will go smoothly as long you stay on the airport you should be fine. Security stuff? would they be funny with your sewing gear? I guess the needles?
aw...yeah you haven't seen your parents like 4 years now eh?
How are they doing? Is your Pa still working?
How's your brother?

Your welcome. It's awesome what you are doing and it's so adorable!! I want to squeeze them. It's all the hard work you put in you know and keep going!
What made you decided to make it into a business?

Ashely's reply
To go to NZ and if they take my crochet hooks away I'll die haha

Thank you Apple, I'm not brave though, I just hold my breath and hope for the best haha the motivation family and you and everyone makes me able to come over 😄 yes 4 years! My dad works here and there when he wants, mum works from home and my brother had to sell his house in Nelson because he got made redundant during covid.

her other reply was
"Something terrible happened Saturday night. My tooth broke off 😥 and today ill be getting a root canal and some fillings. Then another root canal when I come back from NZ, I'm so nervous"

She randmonly told me her anxiety with her work and how she is concern that it won't be trendy anymore and her business will died.
I told her that trends move slowly and you be able to adapt and people love hand made things.


I apologise the message was ong I just thought it was important to know a bit of content to get some idea what's going on.
I keep having flash back as well during the day when she bullied me at school.

What's your insight in this conversation.
Why is she seeking a lot vaildation when we haven't spoken for 4 years.
Alot of the converstation ended up being about her or her asking questions about my sister's business because she has her own business now. So I'm a bit suss she trying to get information out of me to benefit her business.

I don't understand why each time I mention not meeting. She said her old face and I said she isn't old and then she tells me in the message randmonly I look young.
Then again about the banana. I don't understand. Even my partner thought it was odd with the banana.
So I would like to understand what's going on there as well.

She could be deeply insecure, like most bullies are. People who are bullies are typically very insecure inside so they overcompensate. Needing so much validation comes across as insecurity to me.

Sounds like a casual chit chat to me. I’d not read too much into it.

One might read it as she needs validation but it could just be random talk. You keep asking her a lot of questions asking for a lot of information and details so it’s only expected that she’d respond back in details. As about random talk about her tooth. You two don’t have much in common except you were in school as children so what else would she talk about. Sounds like pointless small talk to me.

I don’t fully understand you engaging in lengthy conversations with someone you said is a bully and someone you have no interest in seeing. This conversation sounds very unauthentic to me. If you dislike her and have very negative thoughts about her, why write these friendly messages asking her questions like you care about her. It’s s major contradiction.

I don’t see a need in a small talk with someone I dislike.

I don't understand why you keep trying to mend this 'friendship'? They bully you and you keep going back to them. Then they bully you some more. Keep away.

This is not friendship & this Ashley (or even Rachel or Jowita) are not friends.

If you want people to treat you differently, you need to set clear boundaries. If they abuse you, that is not friendship. Keep your distance from such bullies. Otherwise, they/Ashley will keep playing you - one minute you will be friends but she knows she can bully you because you always come back, so she will keep hurting you. Don't give her that power. Don't give anyone that power.

@AppleLime, it's true that you will only get more heartache and pain if you continue communication with this girl/girls. I would try and exit the conversation, and tell her it was nice catching up. That way you can end the communication. And if she contacts you after saying that, you can ignore it. This is what I would do to protect myself. I know you may not follow the advice, but protecting yourself from harm is important here and this is one way to do that.

Honestly most of her responses sounded as she was wrapping up a conversation. You keep coming back with more questions and comments so the conversation was never ending. I don’t see where she is looking for validation. More like she is being polite and keeps replying to your questions. Honestly I suggest you stop talking to her. Find distractions and local people to talk to.

I know this is super long and I'm aware I have posted a smiliar post before. However I really need to make sense of all of this. I still beat myself up for it for over a decade now.

I want to know was any of my friends covert narcissism? I feel Sophie is not sure. I just want to know psychology what is wrong with these people why were they so mean to me? and why is even Ashely bothering to get back to me after 4 years not talking?

Was I traumaised by my ex friends?

My therapist told me she be doing EMDR therapy to help me process the memory and emotions because I keep having flash backs from the past when I talk to them.

One of them rescently wanted to reach out and talk after 4 years of not talking, however I have try to talk to them and they have been nice but I keep having flash backs and nightmares.

Did they like cause PSTD in me?

History of the friendship.

So this old friend well I thought was a friend but after going to therapy I realised their behaviour and commication was gaslighting, invalidating, projecting blame on other people and down right a bully.

This friendship goes way.....back to begining stages of high school.
I was 12-13 at the time and this friend we will give them a fake name for the sake for their privacy we will name them Ashely.

Ashely became friends with this girl who I was friends with at primary school we will named them Rachel.
My friendship with Rachel was very off and on and she would tend to bully me and then I will come back being all sorry and we be friends again.

So Ashely and Rachel thought it be a great idea and pretty much bully me for that whole year.

Following year unfortunately I was in the same class as Ashely. Again she bullied me.

The last year of that school before I changed school was the turning point.

Ashely started bullying me really badly after I told her I had a dream about us looking at each other naked.

Ashely litterally ran away and told everyone I was gay.

Basically it got so bad I had six weeks off school and moved to a public school.

I realised at the public school I wasn't gay. I believed what Ashely told me was true because at the time I had a lack sense of myself who I was as a person.

One year without Ashely was a blessing. Although she still try to get to me by talking to some guy at my school and he started saying stuff. But no one take notice of him, thank goodness.

Following year you wouldnt believe it!
But she came to my school!
Someone from my old pervious school who I happened to work with after school at this job. Told me Ashely bullied someone else and spread rumours, no one believed her and she became a loner.

However I was aboustely scared of her being at my school now.
We ended up being in the same class together.
Basically we became friends and I learnt a lot that her family was pretty much emotionally, verbally abusive to her.

After we finished school we went to a art course together.
Everything was fine until this pattern of bullying started again.
Ashely realised when we went to our art course that this other girl we will name her Sophie went to the same school we all did. But I never knew her since our school was massive and had a lot of students.

We all sat in the same class but over time Ashely and Sophie started to bully me. It was litterally all over again from what happened with Ashely and Rachel.

I always asked for help for some things with written theory. They got impatient with me and I felt I was in the way, so I asked the teacher if they could move my desk.

Ashely and Sophie stopped talking to me. I felt isolated and lonely.

I remember it all came down when I joked to a class mate in class how you wouldn't want Ashely to look after kids because she takes drugs. Which a few of students did and I don't think the teacher care at all.

Suddenly after class I was in the elevator and just joking with Ashely, at that time we were talking terms.Then as we step out of elevator and I was about to step out of the building Ashely switch her behaviour and told me not to say that about her and drugs because she could get kick out of class if they found out she was on drugs.
I thought at the time she was being paraiond and the teacher probably knew like many other students and didn't care.
I told her I was sorry but she walked off in a huff with Sophie and this other girl we will name Kate.

I felt really ashamed and guilty. I txt her saying I'm really sorry but Ashely and Sophie started to get really cruel and started sending abusive txt messages to me. I recalled laying on the floor in my mother's house after I got back from my class and cried.

I was then bullied by them even more so, I eventually had to change class rooms.

Same pattern as in high school changing schools.

I was left alone by them and they never spoke to me.

My partner told me this ,year's later back then Ashely and Sophie try to talk bad about me to him. Thankfully my partner told them "I be judgement of that" and walked away from them.

Following year I thought to mend things with them. I recalled Ashely was like "Oh no stay away" but Sophie thought "hang on let's just mend things"
and we'll... I was pretty much wasn't allowed to sit next to them. I didn't realised at the time they weren't friends but I had such a bad habit blamming myself for every situation that happen with them I couldn't see pass it.

During that year Sophie take me to the side and told me in privacy that last year when Ashely was sending abusive txt messages to me and as well her. That it was actually Ashely using Sophie's phone. Sophie asked Ashely but why? and she said I need back up.

After that year I didn't went back to that art course.

It really affected my mental health I found myself crying the toilets at that art course. Plus my socail anxiety just sky rocketed.
I try to do another different course but I was so afarid I be bullied I stopped going. I did notice I became hyper aware of things like if I saw two girls laughing I assume they were laughing at me. I ended up crying after the course as well.

Later on Ashely showed up again probably back in 2012-2013
We became chatty and got along. She asked if she could stay at my mum's house cause of her father was being abusive. She moved out and stopped talking to me.

Later on I notice most on Ashely's and Sophie's Facebook page of photos of them hanging out. I felt hurt and upset because they never invited me. I always thought what was wrong with me?

Then they suddenly included me in. It all came to a end when I didn't want to go to a bush walk because of my anxiety. Ashely pretty much gaslighted me project blame on me. Very toxic commication that I notice looking back.
So she stopped talking to me.

Sophie was nice and message me saying she didn't want to take part with what Ashely was doing.

My last interaction with Ashely would be back in 2017. When I was mentally unwell and had a crappy, terrible student therapist that made my symptoms worse. She was kind enough to ask to hang out with this other person who I knew at our art class but I didn't really knew them that well enough.
It was some thing small that Ashely did but it made me feel small and ashamed and kinda dumb.

Ashely asked me when we were at the mall at a shoe shop ,how much these two schools bags cost together. I just gave a randmon guess, I'm not good at maths and have dsylexia.
Ashely knew I did not do well at school neither did she since we were in this Learning class at school together.
Basically I gave a randmon number and she told me "That's wrong, usally people get it right".

I was shocked and confused why she did that because I didn't do anything before during the day we hang out to upset her.

I asked her later on why she did that? she told me she thought it was cute.

I then message Sophie what happened and they told me when they use to hang out with Ashely and Kate from that art course. They would make fun of the words she would say and English is her second language. Which I look back was really mean.

Unfortunately with Sophie that friendship fell a part too in 2017.

Here is what happened

Regards to Sophie when I look back I was really not mentally well at all. I had suicide thoughts , self harm and my therapist wasn't even helping me. I never left the house either and if I did it was to go to therapy.
My therapist wasn't kind to me told me and I quote "my mum should've of had kids" that I should camp outside out of my mum's house. That I wasn't doing the work which the therapist get go to was just mindfullness and that was it. He told me to do it for a hour when I haven't done mindfullness before, so when I said hey I did it 10 mins he got bothered by this. I only reached 45 mins in the long run doing it.
I would tell my therapist "Hey I don't think therapy is working" and he would say "I'm a bad therapist". I was as well had a love transference with the therapist which was horrible as well.

It all ended and I got myself a descent therapist at the end of 2017.

Basically thats what happened to me at 2017.

So with Sophie this all started in that year 2017. I sent her my art work and she message and told me "Looks nice but don't you think the head looks a bit big" I felt crizited of my own work and I didn't ask for any feedback.
I just sent her photo. I didn't know how to respond so I just did at the time what my nightmare therapist told me to do when someone says something upsetting "I don't appericate the negative comment" and then after I said that Hell broke loose. Sophie got really pisst off at me.
All I remember was crying so hard about it all.

I reached out to a friend who knew Sophie from our art course. We will name them Rory. Rory told me their experience and going out with them and how Sophie try to make Rory leave his current girlfriend and come and live with her but he said he couldn't do it.

And how Sophie spoke behind his back and at their work place.

He rescently reached out to her back in 2017 because one of his friends told him that Sophie was still talking bad about him again.

I recalled Sophie telling in 2017 and was confused why was Rory contacting her and seem really paranoid about it. I was confused and didn't know at that time their history. I even thought did something happened between them?
I even asked her this but she never told me. She just made fun of his art work.
I told this to Rory.

During our fight between Sophie and that Kate I told you earlier on at the art course that hang with Ashely and Sophie. Well she! got involved I told her what was happening because I was talking to her anyway and I slowly realised she was siding with Sophie. I thought Kate was a mediator between myself and Sophie and was helping us, but that was further from the truth. I said to her well Rory said this about Sophie and after that Rory messages me and said "Hey did you told Sophie I was talking about her"? I was confused and said "no why"? and he replied back and said "Well she message me and said this" and he show me screen shot of the converstation. "Hey if she ever comes and talks about me, come and talk to me first she is seeking vaildation"

I felt upset and thought to myself who is to say her experience is the "only truth". You need to hear two sides of a story and then make your own judgment.
I notice that someone was my friend on Facebook defriended me and I learnt they were friends with Sophie. So I assume she talk bad about me to a lot of people
I stopped talking to Rory all together. My good therapist told me he had controlling traits.

I confronted Kate and said "did you told Sophie I spoke to Rory"? and he said "no, but it was obvious" and I was thinking really? so Sophie went around randmonly messaging people about me?

Kate kept talking to me.
I was abit suss thinking she was just reporting back to Sophie. The reason why I thought this was one day Kate message me by mistake and sent me a screenshot of this person friend list I knew from art course and said "Sorry that was meant for Sophie"
I thought wow so Sophie uses Kate as some spy or something.


I eventually found out Kate hanged with Sophie and she lied to me saying she was going to some camp but looking on the socail media wasn't the case.


I asked if Kate if they could send a apology message to Sophie.It was super long and I take time to sit and think how she felt etc. Kate did because Sophie had me blocked after many times telling her for 1 year I was sorry.
He sent this message after 3 years not talking to Sophie.

It take 3 months for her to replied back and it wasn't really well...in depth more surface level..I notice she didn't even told me how she felt more like describe the situation..My therapist told me if someone says "I feel like...." they are
intellectualizing their emotions.

Sophie said this quote. I will say I didn't block her so I don't know what she was going on about not contacting me on Facebook. I think cause she blocked me and got confused or something.

Also I haven't seen Sophie in person since gosh maybe 2015.

"Hey I got your message from Kate a while ago. Sry took some time to get back to it. Also been trying to contact u on fb but the option wasn't there to do so.

Regarding your message yeah I've moved on from what happened. Everything is fine and u don't have to worry about anything. It was just difficult when I feel like my care and time has been taken for granted and that you would let ******** Rory said affect your own judgment on our years of friendship. I just don't want to be dealing with these repeating turmoil when all I was trying to do was help. Hope u understand I had to step back recover from it myself.
Best if we both just move on from this.

Hope you're doing well and coping well with things at home.

My response was
" Hi. Thank you for taking your time to read my message and replying back.
It's much appericated and vauled. Thank you.

I just want to say I'm sorry and regretful for not recongising the time and care you put in to help me,when I was struggling. And the hurt I put you through. Cause I was hurting in the inside and putting it on other people and not taking responsibility for own hurt. So I understand why you needed to step back from this. It makes sense.

I agree too it's best to move on from this.

Yes,I'm doing well. It's been a very healing, self development the past 2 years and worth it.
Hope you are doing well and all.

Sophie's response was
"Happy to hear

I wanted to cut ties with this guy I kept having flash backs of the past it was upsetting me deeply.

I did but about maybe 6 months later he contacted me again. Ask for a print of my art work which I didn't had anyway. I spoke to my therapist about it and told me to just keep it general don't need to tell him details of my life.
So it's just sending cat videos these days. But even then he is triggering.

Sophie wasn't nice in general she said things to me like when I was going through the awful love transference she said " you act like a dog with a bone in it's mouth looking for love from your therapist"
She said very blunt things to me.
When I told her my grandma died she didn't say anything but during that year when my grandma died she message me telling me how her online friend died and how shocked she was. I felt resentful because she wasn't there for me when my grandma died. Which I was very close to her.

She would randomly message me her art work and say how terrible it was and it is terrible and I found myself saying no it's not.

She told me how she watches poor people on YouTube in Africa to make herself feel better.

Sophie told some strange stories one was how her ex boyfriend cut himself when she said she wanted to leave him. And how they went to and once in hospital her boyfriend bleed out. When I look back it doesn't make sense. I've been to albance and to hospital you don't wait at a waiting room you instantly go and be treated straight away.

Sophie would say how her dad is paying her apartment and then the next it was her paying the apartment. It didn't add up.

I recalled when I spent time once with Ashely and Sophie I mentioned how my dad spent all his money from what he got from his parents and never on my mum or me. And he cheated and left my mum.
Suddenly it became a werid competition and Sophie said "Well my dad took our pet fish and put it down the toilet"

I recalled how she said to me once how she stood outside out of her boyfriend's bedroom window in the dark crying. Because she was upset with him.

I told this all to my therapist and said to me she has some sort of personality disorder.


I try to mend things back with Ashely 2019 after I got better and got myself a descent therapist.

However I notice they take forever to reply back as usally it be months if she ever got back to you. I thought I can't really have a friendship with someone like this that never replies.

They did ask to hang out in 2019 but I refused after going to therapy and knowing this whole time this friend was toxic.
I back off.

However now Ashely has message me saying they coming back overseas and say they miss me after 4 years of not talking and want to meetup.
I message her back to be nice but I realised I'm actually scared of her seeing her.

I spoke to my therapist about it gave me two options say you are okay to talk but don't want to meet up or you need a break from the friendship.

Since I was already having a conversation with her I said I'm not ready to catch up but we can be still talk. Ashely seem okay with that but I've notice I keep getting flash backs from the past.
From the course to being bullied at high school by her and even with Sophie.

I find myself talking outloud pretending they are them and telling them how they hurt me or what was going on for me.
It would take a hour or half a hour of this. It does disrupted my day and it only happens when I'm alone in the house.

And it seem to got more intense since I've spoken to Ashely before it would happen now and then but not like this.

Thoughts?

thank you for reading my long message and my history with this friend.

I do appericate you taking your time to read this and any advice would be much appericate.

Apple you had the exact same thread posted just a week ago and then another one few days ago. Two of the identical threads are on the same forum. Are there new details in the situation?

Of course it’s valuable to investigate why people do what they do. But honestly much better time spent to investigate why we do what we do and make changes in our lives as we can’t change other people.

I’d address with your therapist why do you engage in lengthy conversations and show so much interest and care in the person you consider a bully. You don’t like her. She is a bully. It’s ok to be polite but no need to engage with her.

It also appears that even though you don’t like any of these girls you contact them a lot and are upset if they don’t respond. You seem to crave their attention. It’s not uncommon. But if you don’t like them, it’s better to keep your distance.

I don’t know if they are narcissists and we can’t diagnose random strangers. I’d say that since they were young children ( 12-13) diagnosing them as narcissists would be unfair. I’d say pre teens and teens exhibit some tough behaviors. It’s not an easy age. She called you gay and you told people she did drugs. Sounds like you both exhibited some middle school behaviors. You were kids.

I think it’s time to wrap up childhood friendships and start looking for new people in your life. Colleagues or classmates or hobby partners or people at the gym. No childhood drama

Yes there is new content in my message I didn't mention in my pervious post of Sophie and Kate that was involved and how Kate still try and talk to me even though I wasn't hardly best friends with her or even hang outside of art course. The only time I saw her with Ashely was back in 2017 and that was once.

I try to cut Kate out of my socail media because I kept having flash backs of this fight I had with Sophie back in 2017. I mention it in my post. As well told me that Sophie will only forgive me if I'm sorry for everything and that was after sending a apology message to Sophie through Kate. Because Sophie blocked me on socail media so there was no way on contacting her.

I sent the apology message back in 2019 and it was either last year or this year that Kate told me Sophie will only forgive me if I'm sorry for everything.

Which was odd because Sophie did reply back in 2019 after 3 months I sent the message.

It's in my post if you want to read. I was under the impression in the message she didn't want to be friends again.

So I was very confused and upset by what Kate told me.

I thought they must've spoken.

I do feel at times paraiond because Kate keeps trying to contact me. I've got to the point I just send cat videos to her and she does back to keep her "happy"

But now out of no where Ashely contacted me wanted to meet up. I thought it was odd..
I say this because in the post I wrote, back in maybe 2018 Kate accidently sent me a screen shot of someone's friend list on Facebook. I recongise the person because they went to the art course as well and I realised they work in the same company as Sophie.
Anyway, Kate said to me "Sorry that was meant for Jowie"

I thought to myself does Kate "spy" on other people for Sophie.
Thars when I got suss why is Kate trying to contact me after 6 months not talking to me and Ashely after 4 years not talking to me.

I do think they "talk" because back in maybe 2019 this guy named Rory I mention in the post. Who went out with Sophie and is friends with Kate told me over and over "you remind my friend who has Autism" I felt labeled and judge.
What is odd Kate assume I had autism too because I told her how I went to this group therapy and you use sensory stuff to clam yourself down.

My therapist even did a autism test on me and I don't have it.

But I thought it was odd at around the same time period both of them mention autism.

My therapist told me to stop talking to Rory because he had controlling traits after analysing my messages I sent to him and him back to me.

The reason why I contacted Ashely was I thought maybe she changed and maybe there could be some healing take place from the past between us. However I'm afarid bringing it up because it might open up a can of worms and affect my mental health.
I've decided not to talk to Ashely anymore.
Even my therapist suggested not too.

I also have this pleasing thing and always put people first before me and I forget to look after myself. So it feels werid to not to talk to Ashely out of my own mental well being.

The gay part was at school the drug part was to one guy in our art class we were in our early 20's ,but they were already bullying me before that happened.

None of them are friends, from the sound of it

Better to have minimal contact with them.

Yeah wanting to please people would make one wanting to contact abusers and make sure they like and accept you. I really think that ruminating over childhood and youth drama serves you no purpose. I am glad you are working with a therapist on variety of issues. That’s smart of you

oh thank you! Yeah my therapist is going to use EMDR therapy for me with other things and this friendship stuff.