how to very gently stop the sexual side of a relationship

I think the Indian gentleman got the message. He texted me

I felt really bad to put you in that awkward position, really sorry

Pls pardon me

I'm really mad at myself..

I texted back saying it is OK and good night but hope this was the last time.

I hope it works out with you and A, tart

Thank you, Willowtigger! I woke up to find a very nice voice message on Whatsapp from him, on occasion of the International Women's Day, and he wished me luck and love and said that he would very much like to see me. I texted back thanking and saying I, too, would very much like to see him. I greatly enjoyed the sound of his voice which has not changed at all since I knew A. in the 1990s. I have been told that the sound of my voice has not changed, either.

I told A. that I have bipolar. I wanted him to know. I received the reaction I least expected: it turned out that his ex wife has the same diagnosis. First had a deep depression, then mania. It exhausted him for the last two years of their marriage. I told him that I have not had mania for 5+ years, that my leftover issues are sleep and anxiety, but not mood. My mood is stable. It is weight off my chest that I told him and I am so glad.

Hi, i just read through all your posts. It sounds like you were able to end things with the Indian gentleman. What about the Mexican guy? are you going to pursue something casual with him until you meet A in October?
Sexual dysfunctions are intriguing, particularly in how they affect the partner. My partner has the opposite problem, it takes him a very long time to cum. Of course, for me that leads to long sex sessions and it's wonderful, I'll often orgasm 3 or 4 times. But it also makes me wonder if he's not turned on enough by me. There have been a handful of times that he's cum in a quickie-type situation, but they are rare, and mostly although we have sex daily he will only ejaculate every 2 or 3 days. Although he enjoys sex a lot he is more reserved physically than I am and definitely has that German stiffness lol! he's strong and tall and broad shouldered and can handle me so well, but not very flexible. After a year and a half I've come to accept that i do excite him and he says ours is the best sex of his life, but it does still make me question how much I actually turn him on. I'm in my late forties and he is 8 years older. We both look good for our ages but of course as a woman I'm always self-conscious of aging.

The Mexican guy did not work out. I met with him once but it was clear that his English was too limited. Say, if I wanted to discuss sexual safety with him, I would not have found the right words. It was a show stopper. It happened before A. said he would come in October. I told the Mexican guy that I liked him a lot but was in a relationship. I was not at the time but thought that this way it would not be hurtful to him.

I think you turn your German guy on! It is a problem of his that he does not ejaculate every time and takes that long, but it is not a reflection on your attractiveness and sex appeal. He told you that yours if the best sex in his life and he is old enough to make that judgment confidently. Believe him! That you are able to orgasm several times while he by necessity prolongs your sex sessions is wonderful, too. I think in your case, unlike in mine (with the Indian gentleman), there are advantages to sexual dysfunction.

As Beth has predicted in his thread, the Indian gentleman is trying to get back into my life. He wants to try again, thinking he will be OK this time. I do not want to revisit this at all. I am going to be firm, but I do not want to tell him that I am choosing another man. I think he has a sensitive soul and it will be hard for him. He is currently looking at a job opportunity that, if it works out, will take him out of the area. I am waiting. If the issue self-resolves, great. If not (if he stays in the area), I will just tell him that I do not want to go back. Hopefully this will do it and then, if my relationship with A. works out well, it will be after a long enough span of time to heal some wounds for him. Last time he raised the issue, I was surprised since by then I had started thinking it would be in the past. But he did. And I said nothing at that time. I was in a state of minor shock that it was not at all in the past for him. He said something along the lines of it being the biggest loss in his life that he was not able to give me the pleasure of penetration, that he wants to try again and thinks that he would be OK and that he also wants to give me oral. Internally, I went "no way", but outwardly I did not say anything thinking that I should think about which words to use. Maybe it was wrong not to put a stop on it right away since it gave him wrong ideas. I was just that, shocked.

Hi Tart! I was thinking, if the Indian gentleman is still pursuing you once you meet with A again, if the chemistry is the same as it was in the past you can gently tell the Indian man that you reconnected with the love of your life. That is different than replacing him with another man, and a much gentler let down for him.

As for my situation, last night something wonderful (to me) happened: we were together preparing for a party we’re hosting today, and decided to go to bed pretty tired from all the cleaning and prepping. There were no plans for intimacy as we both were not in the mood, but after a few minutes of holding and caressing me he whispered “roll onto your stomach” . He only lasted a short time and I didn’t orgasm but I felt wonderful that he finally “had his way with me”. Afterwards he was so apologetic and wanted to satisfy me another way but I told him just let me hold you as we sleep. I was so pleased!

That is right! I will use this method. Thank you!

This is absolutely wonderful to hear! Keep such moments coming.

An update many months later.

So A., that guy whom I rejected in mid-1990s, came to visit from London and left the day before yesterday. He is a complete no-go, and I mean complete. I am so glad now that I no longer need to harbor regrets that I rejected him back then. Why he is a complete no-go deserves a separate thread, on here and in the Bipolar forum.

In the meantime, the Indian guy has been meeting with me probably once a week on most weeks. I was actually going to tell him BEFORE that guy A. was to come that I would be reconnecting with him, and my psychiatrist/therapist encouraged me to do that, by my 30 year old son (who met the Indian guy once in 2021 and found him extremely shy) advised me to wait since it was not clear that the relationship with A. would work out. I am now glad that I followed my adult son's advice since the relationship with A. did not work out and I would have made the Indian guy unnecessarily heartbroken.

It is clear that he loves me. He even said so, sort of under his breath (because he knows I do not encourage such conversations).

He has not sought any other relationships and he has, on more than one occasion, asked that we try again and that this time it would better. I did not say yes or no, I just did not say anything.

I do not see what would make it better now.

But food for thought.