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DeeeSchmeee68
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Member Since: Dec 2022
Location: New York State
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#1
Hello. I have two sons age 30 and 28 from my first marriage which was highly abusive. I have a 20 year old daughter from my second marriage to an alcoholic (She has a very nasty temper and says horrible things which trigger me) Current state of relationships with these children is very disappointing.
I had been watching my almost 3 year old grandson full-time because his own mother aged 30 has cirrhosis and it's incapable of caring for him. He is my oldest son's child. We enrolled him in daycare . Well I got covid so I hadn't been able to watch him for a week. Yesterday I wanted to open up a discussion about how I don't feel comfortable driving my grandson as my car is unreliable not to mention I'm overwhelmed with having so much responsibility for my grandson. My son has anger issues and lashes out which he did yesterday. Swearing at me victim shaming me and mocking me for not being able to keep a job which has been a problem for me. I told him he needs to figure it all out on his own but I feel as though the only one suffering will be my grandson. My thoughts are that I should stick to the original plan which was me watching my grandson two days a week and driving him to daycare 3 days a week. I am overwhelmed with caring for a toddler. However who else is going to do it? It breaks my heart to see my grandson suffer. I know I should be the strong matriarch of this family but given my history especially the broken relationship with both mothers of mine,I just don't feel strong enough to be that person. |
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Yaowen
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#2
It is important, I think, to prioritize one's mental health when in situations like you describe.
I don't see how it could help your grandson if you have a breakdown. I used to put everyone else first in my life, had a breakdown, ended up in a mental hospital and even after release was totally dysfunction for three years. I think your relatives have unrealistic expectations when it comes to you. Clearly you love your grandson. Wish your sons could be more understanding. Maybe others here will have better words for you today than my poor words. So sorry I don't know how to help. PS: What is that thing flight attendants say? First put on your own oxygen mask and then help others who need it with theirs. |
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DeeeSchmeee68
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Location: New York State
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#3
This is very good information. My children hold me to exceptional standards and then bash me when I don't uphold their expectations. I mean I understand it's extremely difficult having a mentally ill mother or even admitting you have a mentally ill mother. So I understand that from their point of view. But you're right I need to put on my air mask before I can save the others
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AliceKate
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#4
I understand your problems. I have a sister with a child and she is overwhelmed and starting to mistreat him. She admits it to me, and I feel I need to help them, but there is only so much I can do. And it is ver, very important that if I am a part of my neffews life, than I have to be consistent and reliable. And I can only guarantee that if I don't become totally overwhelmed.
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#5
I would ask you to consider this - what treatment of others was modeled for them in the 2 marriages you had? Whatever was modeled for them is what they are presenting to you.
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Travelinglady
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#7
I'm sorry they are treating you this way. You are being kind by looking after your grandson. They are getting free babysitting, so no wonder they get mad when they think it will go away.
But as the other people have said, you have to look after yourself. If looking after the child is stressful, then you have a right to say, "No"--whether your kids like it or not. Tell them you won't put up with their disrespect and leave, hang up the phone, or whatever. I know you want to keep a relationship with them, but at what cost? By the way, are you seeing a therapist? I think one would be very helpful at this point--for support. Okay? |
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DeeeSchmeee68
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DeeeSchmeee68
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DeeeSchmeee68
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Location: New York State
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#8
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DeeeSchmeee68
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Member Since: Dec 2022
Location: New York State
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#9
This makes so much sense to me
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#10
This situation calls for you and your adult son - your grandson's father - to access your county's resources for daycare. There are programs that help pay daycare center's fees for your child's daycare.
Help Paying for Child Care | Division of Child Care Services | OCFS I would also create a calendar that you can show your adult son, of your availability. And, if he doesn't like that, you can also suggest other people to watch his son the days you're not available. If he berates, mocks, shames, gaslights you, become a broken record and just repeat your boundary to him, "This is the solution I have to offer." Something like that. Don't emotionally respond b/c you want to maintain your personal power with your emotionally reactive son/children. Just repeat your boundary and stay calm. Then, release your emotions when they are gone; cry, scream, laugh, swear...take a bath, go for a walk, listen to music and dance, call a crisis line and vent...to get your emotional needs met and your physical needs released from the stress so that you don't carry it around inside of you. |
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Mendingmysoul
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#11
This is so familiar to me. My golden child sister had a lot of complex issues during her pregnancy and needed family to pitch in for help and support.I dropped everything as in my personal goals and my life in order to go and help her with the infant for a couple of weeks.While I was being a full-time mommy to her infant ,she and her husband bullied me so much.Her husband was suggesting very sneakily that I should put my life on hold and become a full-time carer for their infant until my sister is able to do so.I didn't say yes to it ,but smiled and kept quiet at those suggestions. Oh boy,oh boy the bullying, the insults I suffered oh boy.I think they were trying to make me succumb to the bullying and make me agree to their outlandish demands.They have known prior example of me dropping a semester in my college to take care of my grandmother.I was so angry at the same time had to control my anger in order to be attentive and passionate towards the infant I was looking after.Not only that my sister called me names in front of her friends who visited, her in-laws visited and they too started demanding servitude as if I was a family slave or something. I came back home as scheduled. After a couple of years my sister's husband actually suggested I should adopt their kid as my sister got very busy with her career and she may not do a good job of raising the kid.Yep,can you believe it?I didn't agree to any of it.I minimized contact with them.Human behaviours are so complex.
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AliceKate
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DeeeSchmeee68
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