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*Beth*
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Default Jan 12, 2023 at 02:52 PM
  #21
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Originally Posted by Marie123 View Post
It is about control.


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Default Jan 12, 2023 at 02:57 PM
  #22
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Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I’m a person who has dealt with verbal abuse. No one ever gave me the silent treatment. I got the verbal treatment, instead (berated). It’s interesting to me that the silent treatment was not a form of abuse done in a family system whose go-to method was verbal lashing out. It’s essentially the same sentiment, though. The person keeping silent is expressing their disdain, making sure the other person understands that they are angry with them, and that their way to express it is to refuse to speak and sulk so that the other person should feel so bad that THEY do what the silent person wants (apologize, do/not do some action that was wanted). It is a tactic of manipulation.

Such a behavior never would have been tolerated in a family where lashing out verbally was what was done. The silent person would have been berated and bullied into vocalization. Personally, I wouldn’t put up with that for a minute and would, myself, dismiss that person or badger them into using their words.

^^^ This was my family of origin experience, exactly. Nobody in my family was silent about anything! The "silent treatment" would have gotten me smacked around while being verbally annihilated.

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Default Jan 16, 2023 at 09:52 AM
  #23
I've noticed on another thread that you have a perspective about women that I found offensive. Is it possible that your wife also feels your attitude @moodyblue83 ?

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Default Jan 16, 2023 at 02:52 PM
  #24
OP,it is interesting what you said in your second post on this thread. I am wondering if your wife have had plenty of experiences in this relationship where her words were turned against her.I mean you said that's what she thinks and she keeps quiet in order to avoid incrimination ,her words used against her.You explained her behaviour away.It is good that you have an insight into it.So, If this is what her past experience is,then this is her defense mechanism. In her view best communication is no communication.
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Default Jan 16, 2023 at 03:07 PM
  #25
@Beth, good you mentioned that.OP did say something like...women can be fickle minded....in a reply to another poster. Toxic and bad traits don't belong to a gender.They are everywhere across all identities. Not gender biased. When people say things like that on public platforms, it's kinda offensive.
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Default Jan 17, 2023 at 04:34 PM
  #26
Hey this has been going on a long time for you. You say this has been happening for 40 years.

moodyblue83: gets triggered by wife's silent treatment. you feel no trust, feel alone, being used, no affection

wife: gets triggered and shuts up(feels she might say something she will regret later, might incriminate herself)

I'm curious, how long does it take for the silent treatment to stop?
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Default Jan 20, 2023 at 08:01 AM
  #27
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Originally Posted by *Beth* View Post
I've noticed on another thread that you have a perspective about women that I found offensive. Is it possible that your wife also feels your attitude @moodyblue83 ?
Beth..... I don't know why you're mentioning something I said in another thread here in this discussion. It could have been taken completely out of context. If you found something I said offensive then at least state what I said so I could reply. You say my wife may " feel my attitude " ??? What attitude ? Not to mention that when she gives me the silent treatment it's purely passive aggressive and done to get me to say things out of anger.
Pure manipulation , because then she uses those words against me. Please don't make false assumptions............

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 08:46 AM
  #28
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Originally Posted by LifeSupport View Post
Hey this has been going on a long time for you. You say this has been happening for 40 years.

moodyblue83: gets triggered by wife's silent treatment. you feel no trust, feel alone, being used, no affection

wife: gets triggered and shuts up(feels she might say something she will regret later, might incriminate herself)

I'm curious, how long does it take for the silent treatment to stop?
Sure LifeSupport..........With her it can go on for days until either I ask her something she HAS to reply to or it can just last till the next morning where she will then act as if nothing happened.
It's a very volatile , long lasting dysfunctional relationship.
The bottom line is that she will never come to me and try and have an adult conversation related to the subject at hand . Or what caused the shutdown to begin with. I feel like I'm connected to a complete stranger and someone who cannot verbalize her emotions other than in a " I'm gonna get back at you " punitive way.

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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 01:35 PM
  #29
Dear OP,Do you have children in this marriage? If so,do they know about her behaviours?I wonder what your children have to say if they were raised in this long term dysfunctional marriage. How did you end up staying and continue to suffer for 40 years?Are you dependant on her in some way?Financial or otherwise.How about her family?Can you reach out to her parents and try to ask for some kind of help?I mean if you know info about any kind of past traumatic experiences in her life,that might help perhaps.There must be a solution somewhere. I mean why suffer like that? Especially if it has been going on for 40 years? If she is benefiting from her passive aggressive ways ,then why would you expect her to change now and expect her to suddenly be the adult in this relationship?She already knows you ain't going nowhere.Her ways have rewarded her for long.It works so she will not change .
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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 03:58 PM
  #30
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Originally Posted by moodyblue83 View Post


Beth..... I don't know why you're mentioning something I said in another thread here in this discussion. It could have been taken completely out of context. If you found something I said offensive then at least state what I said so I could reply. You say my wife may " feel my attitude " ??? What attitude ? Not to mention that when she gives me the silent treatment it's purely passive aggressive and done to get me to say things out of anger.
Pure manipulation , because then she uses those words against me. Please don't make false assumptions............
How can someone being silent toward you be doing it to "get me to say things out of anger"?

I don't get it. Silent is silent. Nobody's forcing you to say anything, you're choosing to do it.
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Default Jan 22, 2023 at 11:49 PM
  #31
Op,it is said...silence is golden.Some times it is true.You said it is a long ,volatile, dysfunctional relationship. Is it possible she is being silent not to escalate the arguments?Are you an angry person?She might be trying not to trigger your anger.. Is she trying to keep the peace by not answering?Sometimes back and forth QnAs can lead to big fights.
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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 10:26 AM
  #32
Moody, there are a lot of good articles online about reasons people use the silent treatment as a coping mechanism. The gyst seems to be that it generally comes around to getting some need met from the other person. It's hard not to respond sometimes, especially when you feel like you love someone and want to make things better. The silent treatment is powerful, and it is abuse.

I don't know why my DH does it. Sometimes I think he's just a toxic control freak, other times I think he might have damage and literally can't organize and sort thoughts enough to communicate effectively - and he recognizes it. No matter the cause, I still have to take care of me. Its taken a long time to realize that I can be compassionate towards him without compromising myself (ie, apologizing for something I didn't even do or doing something I don't want to just to put him back in a better place.)

One thing that's easy to lose sight of though, is that if the silent treatment works for them, and you respond in a way that makes them more comfortable, it is positive reenforcement, and you may get more and more of it as a result. I worry that this is why my DH has seemingly gotten worse, because I've been such a "good wife" over the years that he's learned to be a jerk to get his way, kwim? Unfortunately, people like that have so few healthy coping mechanisms that once you stop playing your part for them, it can become quite a long game. At a point it's hard for a healthy person to not try and engage their bad behavior in an effort to fix what's wrong- and they know that instinctively. It's really very difficult. It's such a damaging behavior that its like a downward spiral that's nion impossible to pull out of.
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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 01:18 PM
  #33
If I count,there are only a couple of sentences I was courageously been able to utter to my mom with out inducing rage in her. You couldn't even say ...mom ,I am hungry. I said that once and got severely injured because of her punishment and learnt my lesson for life. When I visit my parents now I walk on eggshells specially around my mom.I am scared to ask,mom can I help you prep the dinner..?What I do is just go to kitchen and see what veggies and greens are out on the countertop and proceed to chop the salad silently. Sometimes she snatches those out of my hands...I CAN CHOP THEM MYSELF.WHAT AM I ?A CRIPPLE OR SOMETHING?
I am scared of her.What do I do? I am silent. Some times she asks opinions in a cutesy voice.Do you think she is interested in my opinion?Many times I thought so.The moment I say something ,she snaps at me.Ridicules me.Then why ask in the first place?I learned another lesson.Its called baiting.When bored abusers do that.They try to engage you in a conversation, just to argue and insult you.So what do you do after a few incidents?You don't engage,even if the other party wants you to.You want to be quiet. While on the phone with her,which is few and far between now a days, I let her blabber on.My replies are.....uh,ok,oh,oooh, hmmm. Yep,huh,.You got the gist.
I am a believer that silent treatment is not always abuse.Sometimes an otherwise healthy person is forced to behave like that.
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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 02:51 PM
  #34
((((Mendingmysoul))). That is obviously a very valid reason to not say anything. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. I guess it's important to remember that there's a difference between not talking and the "silent treatment."

In a situation like mine, the pattern of DH's stonewalling has become well established and he seems like he's being manipulative with it. What you're doing isn't manipulative, it's a healthy response to take care of yourself in an unreasonable situation. Thank you for reminding us that there can be multiple perspectives.
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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 03:28 PM
  #35
Yep,there can be many sides to a story or to a person.My abusers have two facets. They are street angels and house devils.There is no way I can make people believe what had happened in the confinement of those walls.They have maintained their nice and kind image to the outsiders. If you were to meet them today as a stranger, you would call me a liar for saying they abused me.So I am shushed into silence about the abuse.I still suffer in silence. Thank you for validating me,Armour plate. And so sorry about what you are going through. Hugs.
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Default Jan 23, 2023 at 05:05 PM
  #36
Mendingmysoul, I would, and do, believe you.

I have several people in my life history who are two faced in that same way. One of the reasons we don't socialize much anymore is because DH gears up and is a completely different person around visitors. I can't stand it. Worse yet, he says he sees it and seems confused about it. Manipulation, or some survival instinct that's masking a Neuro problem? You decide. I don't know. But I do know somewhat what you are talking about.
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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 10:11 AM
  #37
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Originally Posted by *Beth* View Post
I've noticed on another thread that you have a perspective about women that I found offensive. Is it possible that your wife also feels your attitude @moodyblue83 ?

The last post here is pretty misogynistic, unfortunately.


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Default Jan 26, 2023 at 10:31 AM
  #38
I don't understand why people put up with the silent treatment from anyone in their life. There's literally no excuse to do that to another person. No excuse.
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Default Jan 30, 2023 at 04:07 PM
  #39
@rechu
Yep,unfortunate.I found a couple more posts by OP that had misogynistic undertones. If OP can post biased and unfiltered opinions on a public forum, then I wonder how he must be in the confinement of his home towards his female partner.40 long years under the same roof with a misogynist must be tough for his wife.No wonder she does not want to communicate with him anymore.
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