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Default Dec 29, 2022 at 07:56 AM
  #1
I can't have a normal conversation with her because she won't even reply ! Isn't that a total sign of disrespect ? I'm trying to work out solutions to problems and she won't even answer anything I say. Just looks into the walls and won't even face me.
This used to drive me crazy when we were younger. So she's been this way over 40 years. I just can't take it anymore. I'd rather be alone then with somebody that makes me feel alone.
There's no trust. I feel like I'm just being used. I NEED AFFECTION ! It's because of old grudges that they never get rid of. Always trying to get back at me for something. I'm so tired.
Honest , open , communication is the only way . Not the silent treatment .

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Default Dec 29, 2022 at 08:22 PM
  #2
The silent treatment can be brutal. I am so sorry that you are in that situation.
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Default Dec 31, 2022 at 11:14 AM
  #3
Without communication, there is no relationship.
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Default Dec 31, 2022 at 11:54 AM
  #4
My DH uses the silent regularly. It's considered one of the cruelest forms of emotional abuse. It hurts.

I've dealt with it by detaching to the point of not taking it personally and accepting the silence. Going off and do my own thing.

If it's a relationship, it's really more like a parent-child, not two adults. It hurts, it's not the relationship it should be. If you stay or are stuck, realize that it's her dysfunction, a symptom of not knowing how to get her needs met in a healthy way, and try not to engage in it. Easier said than done, I know.
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Default Jan 01, 2023 at 11:26 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by moodyblue83 View Post
I can't have a normal conversation with her because she won't even reply ! Isn't that a total sign of disrespect ? I'm trying to work out solutions to problems and she won't even answer anything I say. Just looks into the walls and won't even face me.
This used to drive me crazy when we were younger. So she's been this way over 40 years. I just can't take it anymore. I'd rather be alone then with somebody that makes me feel alone.
There's no trust. I feel like I'm just being used. I NEED AFFECTION ! It's because of old grudges that they never get rid of. Always trying to get back at me for something. I'm so tired.
Honest , open , communication is the only way . Not the silent treatment .
I’m dealing with this right now, my wife just doesn’t say a word when I try speaking to her about our relationship
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Default Jan 01, 2023 at 11:29 PM
  #6
My husband has pulled that one for 4 decades. He says he does it because he doesn't want to "get into it" or "doesn't want to start an argument." What he doesn't understand, even after all these many years, is that the lack of communication is what fuels the fire. Open, calm, dialogue - each person genuinely listening to the other and using healthy communication skills, would stop the ongoing hurt.

imo, someone who does the silent thing is either game-playing or is just too lazy to bother learning how to properly and effectively communicate. i.e., they don't care that much.

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Default Jan 02, 2023 at 08:24 PM
  #7
For those of you in relationships with people like this, no talking IS your answer. You decide whether you want to live the rest of your life with someone like this or not. If you decide to stay, then you are choosing to stay with someone who will never discuss anything with you.
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Default Jan 03, 2023 at 02:00 PM
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For those of you in relationships with people like this, no talking IS your answer. You decide whether you want to live the rest of your life with someone like this or not. If you decide to stay, then you are choosing to stay with someone who will never discuss anything with you.

They discuss things with you: they discuss what interests them. At length.

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Default Jan 03, 2023 at 07:05 PM
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For those of you in relationships with people like this, no talking IS your answer. You decide whether you want to live the rest of your life with someone like this or not. If you decide to stay, then you are choosing to stay with someone who will never discuss anything with you.
ITA with what Beth said.

Also, staying or going isn't necessarily a black and white consideration. There are a lot of reasons that people get stuck in these situations.
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Default Jan 03, 2023 at 07:45 PM
  #10
My mother used this tactic to shame us and bring us to our knees, figuratively speaking. It was very much a controlling behaviour, as well as a form of punishment, and a reminder that we were essentially only-barely-tolerated guests in our own home. I do believe she learned this behaviour from her own mother. In her case, it was a toxic and controlling thing, and it was actually painful to experience.

My husband grew up in the same kind of atmosphere as I did, and now has trouble with certain forms of communication. I work on it with him, and sometimes even make some advances, though they are usually small and might only be temporary. He is not silent to be cruel. He is silent because he was never shown how to be open and remain safe with another person. In his home life, if you opened yourself up to anyone, they would take that opportunity to rip you up and mock you and belittle you. So, understanding how this has happened has helped a great deal.

I usually give him some space, and eventually he will come to me and explain, as best he can, why he acts the way he does, what was on his mind at the time, etc. He clams-up when stress gets to be too much, and it's almost always because of work. And I do have to, still, work at not taking it personally.

For whatever reason people do it, it could have different motives and learned behaviours behind it. Some are toxic and patently unhealthy; others might be because of old wounds.

I wish each and every one of you some relief from the pain and demoralization this can cause, however you find your solutions.
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Default Jan 04, 2023 at 06:50 AM
  #11
Thank you all so much for your input. I believe that this form of nonverbal communication is ( in my case ) my wife's way of being extremely passive aggressive. She also won't say a word because she doesn't want to slip up and incriminate herself in any way by blurting out something she may regret saying.
On the other hand I believe she grew up in a family where nobody really talked about their feelings at all.
Either way it's killing me and the relationship. Like was said , I wish it were so easy as to just walk out .
Thanks again......

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Default Jan 07, 2023 at 05:34 PM
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... He is silent because he was never shown how to be open and remain safe with another person. In his home life, if you opened yourself up to anyone, they would take that opportunity to rip you up and mock you and belittle you. So, understanding how this has happened has helped a great deal.
...
I believe that it is essential to seriously and objectively look at, study, the environment that conditioned the "silent treatment" person to practice that behavior.

In my husband's case his parents and extended family (grandparents, aunts, uncles) truly came out of Victorian era conditioning. To have emotions at all was embarrassing enough, but to display them! - not only grossly improper, but the indication of someone who was either of low breeding or was mentally unwell. (Likely both, and probably from an "odd" cultural background, as well.) Light humor was permitted - keep it light, though- just a bit of cheek! Besides that, a snippet of "catching up" on family and friends (nothing edging toward gossip, God no). At holiday meals the talk was pleasant and so scant that the sound of utensils clicking against plates and glasses being set upon the table were the predominant sounds in the dining area.

Is it any wonder I get the "silent treatment" and if I press past it my husband tells me my "mental illness is the cause of my behavior"? Oh, the shame of having human emotions, feelings, wants, needs, desires! Horrid enough - but to say them, to name them, aloud! Pain, only pain, and perhaps damnation, who knows!

So I understand that there are a hundred reasons for why someone uses the silent treatment as a communication tool. What I do not understand, and cannot accept, is when someone uses it, it is clearly hurting a loved one, yet they make no effort to learn how to more effectively and lovingly communicate. That unwillingness renders the viability of the relationship questionable.

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Default Jan 07, 2023 at 08:36 PM
  #13
Very well said, *Beth*, as always. A third and really relatable explanation for someone going silent. I've been there, too.

I think my mind is clear enough, and that my long experience with human beings has taught me enough, that I am able to discern whether the silent treatment is being weaponized against me, or is the result of a basic inability to form the correct words; i.e, due to emotional paralysis. And naturally, also taking notes from the range of possible reasons in-between those two poles.

If I do suspect it is being used, as you said moodyblue83, passively-aggressively towards me, I lose an awful lot of respect for the person attempting it. And they usually also lose all credibility. So, I have to be on my guard against hasty judgements, because one wrong assumption from me could signal the end of everything. I am human, and I know where my scars are.

I think that is at the heart of the matter. Being discerning, and knowing it could be down to an awful lot of things. Communication can become so complicated and distressing and frustrating. Doing it effectively is an ongoing challenge. And being in relationships can definitely expose our weak points, as well as past hurts.

More than ever, when this continues to happen, I believe it's important to press that person, until you get a full explanation for their silence. Explain to them how it hurts you, and definitely spell out the consequences, if they do not open up. Then the ball is in their court, and you will have an answer, one way or another.

Submitted with hope for healing...
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Default Jan 08, 2023 at 04:34 PM
  #14
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...

Doing it effectively is an ongoing challenge. ...

Communication is an ongoing challenge, it's true. It's also an ongoing responsibility in a relationship. If one chooses, I think the dedication to learning how to effectively communicate can be an interesting journey with tremendous reward. And in many ways, while it is a challenge, when effectively practiced, good communication becomes a habit. Once it's a habit - what a pleasure for all involved!


...
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Default Jan 09, 2023 at 04:55 PM
  #15
If she communicates well with others and just not with you,then she definitely is using silent treatment as a form of punishment.If she generally prefers silence, is not a talkative person,then it is just her personality.You said she holds grudges from the past.What had happened in the past?I mean she may be expecting some kind of closure.May be ask her directly why is she doing it?The silent treatment. If she is angry at something?She may open up and give you a chance at resolving it.
You mentioned being married for 40 years.Was she always like this through out the entire period?If this is a recent development, can you consider counseling?Is she going through menopause or depression? Plenty reasons to consider that bring changes in behaviours.
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Default Jan 10, 2023 at 09:30 PM
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My husband has pulled that one for 4 decades. He says he does it because he doesn't want to "get into it" or "doesn't want to start an argument." What he doesn't understand, even after all these many years, is that the lack of communication is what fuels the fire. Open, calm, dialogue - each person genuinely listening to the other and using healthy communication skills, would stop the ongoing hurt.

imo, someone who does the silent thing is either game-playing or is just too lazy to bother learning how to properly and effectively communicate. i.e., they don't care that much.
Wise words indeed , I wish my wife could understand them as this is my scenario as well more or less, so sorry to hear what your dealing with.
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Default Jan 11, 2023 at 06:29 AM
  #17
It is about control.
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Default Jan 11, 2023 at 10:07 AM
  #18
I’m a person who has dealt with verbal abuse. No one ever gave me the silent treatment. I got the verbal treatment, instead (berated). It’s interesting to me that the silent treatment was not a form of abuse done in a family system whose go-to method was verbal lashing out. It’s essentially the same sentiment, though. The person keeping silent is expressing their disdain, making sure the other person understands that they are angry with them, and that their way to express it is to refuse to speak and sulk so that the other person should feel so bad that THEY do what the silent person wants (apologize, do/not do some action that was wanted). It is a tactic of manipulation.

Such a behavior never would have been tolerated in a family where lashing out verbally was what was done. The silent person would have been berated and bullied into vocalization. Personally, I wouldn’t put up with that for a minute and would, myself, dismiss that person or badger them into using their words.

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Default Jan 11, 2023 at 08:22 PM
  #19
There was a time when my wife would enjoy our conversations and spending time together and made me feel very valued and special . Now as her therapy has "progressed" over the years and as she has learned more about the stuff she suppressed from her childhood . She has entered her 50s and gone thru menopause. I feel like I am the target for all her anger at the people that hurt her as a child . They are all dead now so I'm the only one she can express it to . She has become cold and distant and
for example when I ask her why she doesn't seem to want to hug me anymore , her response is "I hug you every time you ask me". How can she not see how much that statement hurts and how can she completely miss the point of my question? A couple years ago when we reconciled after a close call with divorce that she initiated ( we were at the point of signing our separation agreement and I had not been living in the home for months at that point) but upon reading it she texted me and said " I don't want to do this " ) After that we started each day hugging and cuddling for at least 5 minuets before we got out of bed (her idea but I loved it)
Am I the only one who sees her statement about hugs as cold ?? Is this her midlife crisis ? Is it hormones? She used to take meds for her PTSD and anxiety/depression but has been off them for 2 years now, could this be a factor ? I have suggested perhaps she should try going back on the meds again to which she says she's happier working through it without them ? This is happier ?

So I am doing the only thing I can at this point, showing her that kind loving man as she asked and her response of late is she's not sure if I'm only doing this just to avoid the divorce ??? Of course I'm trying to avoid the divorce but it's hardly the only reason. I want us both to be happy again and communicate better. She asks for something, I hear her and show her what she is asking for because I love her and want to make us both happier again and rekindle the spark yet she gives me silence until I ask any questions and when I do, it's back to anger at me or she says she's not sure if it's already to late .

The other day she said she very much still loves the kind loving man she fell in love with and that she struggles to love the bitter man that I have become and how she knows that kind loving man is in there as he peeks out now and then . She then says she understands that the stresses of life , work, home and kids and all of her issues have effected him and IF I can find a way to bring him back more consistently how we probably won't end up in a divorce and it would help her heal faster form her damage from her childhood .
How can she not understand that the kind loving man she fell in love with used to get warmth and love/support from his wonderful loving wife and how it helped him to be kind and loving . She expects me to exist on virtually nothing emotionally and be happy ? It just feels like she is unwilling to meet me in the middle and expects me to be understanding of her situation, while mine does not matter and I am to exist on nothing emotionally . I feel like I'm giving her exactly what she is asking for and I am respecting her boundaries but still I don't seem to matter .

If I ever ask about the situation it always goes south very quickly usually with her becoming angry at me and bringing up something from years ago that she feels I didn't handle correctly or was wrong about .
What's the point of beating me up about something I cant change from the past instead of talking about how we can handle it better in the hear and now and in the future. Why focus all your energy in being upset about years ago? She never used to talk/mention any problems then yet now all of a sudden the past is her main focus. She's all over the place emotionally and I don't know what to think. I'm so confused and sad as I am loosing hope quickly.

I'm so beaten up inside right now, my self esteem is almost non existent now and struggle with not blaming all of this on me, even though I know that she has done much damage to me recently and I struggle with my own depression now as a result of all this. Part of me feels the way she is treating me is borderline abuse emotionally. Yet I love her so very much I'd do anything to make this work because I do remember clearly the way we met/ fell in love (it's a beautiful story) and all the good times and the love that was/is? still there. Over 28 years married and over 33 years together , I have no interest in starting a new life and would use every last bit on energy trying to save this one. Perhaps I'm a fool for this but I find it hard to do anything else but keep trying while I wait for the other shoe to fall. I'm a mess.
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Default Jan 12, 2023 at 02:48 PM
  #20
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Originally Posted by moodyblue83 View Post
Thank you all so much for your input. I believe that this form of nonverbal communication is ( in my case ) my wife's way of being extremely passive aggressive. She also won't say a word because she doesn't want to slip up and incriminate herself in any way by blurting out something she may regret saying.
On the other hand I believe she grew up in a family where nobody really talked about their feelings at all.
Either way it's killing me and the relationship. Like was said , I wish it were so easy as to just walk out .
Thanks again......

Oh, the silent treatment is almost surely passive-aggressive. In addition, your wife most probably grew up in an environment that modeled p-a behavior.

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