Referring to the friend who sends lots of emails

She emailed me last night, wanting my phone number

This phone cant do phone calls abroad, but even if it could, i have concerns about giving her my phone number

Reason is we are in different time zones, plus i work and i know what happens when she gets distressed (from when she was in uk) she will phone over and over again until i answer, even when i have told her im not available to answer the phone, thats why i dont want to be giving her this number

I think its likely she wouldnt even check what the time is here in the uk before phoning

I have already told her twice that this phone cannot do calls abroad

How do i explain without her going off at the deep end at me?

[Discombobulated]

“I’m not comfortable giving my number to people I don’t know in real life” ?

[lizardlady]

A variation on what Discombobulated said "I do not give out my phone number."

Willow, "no" is a complete sentence. If she keeps asking just say no.

[divine1966]

Do you know her in real life? Tell her you prefer emailing and leave it at that

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do you know her in real life? Tell her you prefer emailing and leave it at that

i only know her from online

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by willowtigger

i only know her from online

I sure wouldn’t give people from online my number. What for? She doesn’t even live in the same country. She might not even be who she says she is. You don’t owe her anything. You don’t even appear to like her so what’s this friendship even about?

we became online friends back in 2011, the friendship's kept going cause both of us have been traumatised in real life

back then, she didnt used to problem-dump on me all the time, it used to be a two-way online friendship, but its becomnig more and more one-sided (her looking for reassurance and help more and more)

[Bill3]

How do i explain without her going off at the deep end at me?

You don't owe her an explanation.

You have decided not to give out your phone number. Period.

Repeat as often as necessary.

(Another option is just to ignore the question.)

Ok i just dont fancy a crapload of suicide threats from her, shes done that one before, just cause i suggested she get professional help for her traumas

Trigger warning for rest of post

She hasnt done that since i told her i cannot deal with that, after what a ferretface ex did

I dont remember the details about his threats cause that was early 2012 about the time the brain black hole starts

I dont know if it makes me a bad friend, not being able to handle

Possible trigger:

the potential for "i going to suicide and it will be your fault" like ferretface ex did all the time

I have a fuzzy memory of ferretface ex saying if i didnt do what he wanted me to do, he would drive off a cliff

I think thats a unblocked 2012 memory but i cant be completely certain

Sorry trigger stuff not showing on phone, cant get them to work on this phone

Hope i not triggered anyone

[Bill3]

That would be "emotional blackmail", an act of aggression, trying to punish you emotionally for not giving in to her demands. Same as ferretface.

If she actually attempted suicide, it absolutely would not be your fault.

Hang in there! Do not give her your number. (Imagine what she will do once she has it!) Block her if she persists in sending you aggressive, upsetting messages.

Was i in the wrong last time, for suggesting that she get real life help for the triggering stuff she was saying?

When she went off that time, a few years ago?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by willowtigger

Was i in the wrong last time, for suggesting that she get real life help for the triggering stuff she was saying?

When she went off that time, a few years ago?

It’s not wrong to suggest that people seek professional help for their issues

[EagleTears]

I certainly wouldn't give your phone number out to this person. Just tell the person that you don't give phone numbers out to people from the internet, and that emails is preferred in terms of communication. If she is unable to deal with this response... Block her and cease all communication with her.

If she talks about suicide and start threatening.. I would report her to her ISP or email provider and then block her. Her ISP/Email provider they can track her IP address down, and send the police to her so she can get the proper mental health treatment that she needs.


From the tone of your messages.. she isn't much of a friend.

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s not wrong to suggest that people seek professional help for their issues

Ok thanks, just that i remember her going off at the deep end just cause i told her in 2013 i think this was, that i couldnt help her and to get professional help

She reckoned i was saying it cause i dont care, i said it cause i do care about her

In 2011 although she was anxious she wasnt like that, 2012 most of that year is blocked, 2013 she had problems with a abusive boyfriend

[Bill3]

She reckoned i was saying it cause i dont care

She might say many things hurtful and untrue like this if you don't give her your number.

Still don't give it to her!

My question is: why are you still in contact with her if she's so toxic and clearly has no issues with crossing appropriate boundaries with you? Why do you put up with this from a total stranger? Does she contribute anything positive to your life online?

Originally Posted by Motts

My question is: why are you still in contact with her if she's so toxic and clearly has no issues with crossing appropriate boundaries with you? Why do you put up with this from a total stranger? Does she contribute anything positive to your life online?

I think its cause i see some of myself in her, i treat others the way i would want to be treated, plus the length of time we've been online friends

We used to both help each other, she does sometimes talk about her helping me, but if i do start to discuss anything in recent years thats been going on with me, she will spend about 30 seconds talking about my stuff with me then start to ask for reassurances over her problems and be like "are you sure" "are you sure that your sure" i only answer her twice for each thing to reassure her cause otherwise she never stops with the are you sure that your sure thing

Last memory i have of 2012 before it gets fuzzy is of leaving my boy cat Dylan in his new home

I still can remember the song that was playing on the advert on their telly

I still cannot listen to that song even now, sends me into suicide mode

What a wonderful world is the song

Back then, she was there for me

I know from what family did that my needs are never important to anyone, cause after ferretface did what he did, meaning i only had Dylan left, instead of thinking "she only has her cat left, we will let her keep her cat even though ideally we wouldnt have him" it was "we DONT WANT a cat here" overriding my "i NEED my cat cause i dont have anything else left"

Proof that my needs are less important than others wants

[lizardlady]

I think its cause i see some of myself in her, i treat others the way i would want to be treated, plus the length of time we've been online friends

Willow, I am going to flip what you said. Would you ever treat someone the way she is treating you? From what I know of you here at MSF you would not. She is being abusive and manipulative. Just because she helped you in the past does not mean you have to accept her current behavior. I agree with EagleTears. If she threatens suicide report her to her local first responders.

Originally Posted by willowtigger

Last memory i have of 2012 before it gets fuzzy is of leaving my boy cat Dylan in his new home

I still can remember the song that was playing on the advert on their telly

I still cannot listen to that song even now, sends me into suicide mode

What a wonderful world is the song

Back then, she was there for me

I know from what family did that my needs are never important to anyone, cause after ferretface did what he did, meaning i only had Dylan left, instead of thinking "she only has her cat left, we will let her keep her cat even though ideally we wouldnt have him" it was "we DONT WANT a cat here" overriding my "i NEED my cat cause i dont have anything else left"

Proof that my needs are less important than others wants

this song

Possible trigger:

if the trigger button dot thing works

cause if i play it i'll massively trigger myself

I emailed her back, to ask that she only ask what she needs to ask me once a day, and look back through previous emails from the day if she needs readsuring about something she already asked me hours ago

I told her i dont just get emails from her , other friends and family email me as well and if i get too many emails i could miss something important, like Mum sending me a email telling me about a dpctors appointment or hospital appointment

I hope this was okay to do

Particularly when i get home from work and have 10 or 20 pages of emails from everyone to catch up with (family, forums, ebay, amazon, etc)

[Bill3]

It sounds good to me.

I think you did a great job setting an emotional boundary with your friend, because you were very explicit, when you told her that you can't respond to every single email that she sends you multiple times a day abut the same thing, because you need to focus on other people and your other relationships too, which have equal importance.

I emailed her back, to ask that she only ask what she needs to ask me once a day,

Now, if she tries to guilt trip you or shame you b/c you set this boundary, then that is your evidence that your boundary worked. If she ignores your boundary and continues to be demanding, then just repeat your boundary with her until she accepts it. If she refuses, then you need to decide if she is someone you actually need in your life.

You can also set intellectual boundaries with her via email, when she will object to your emotional boundary with this phrase (or something similar), "I understand what you're saying. I just don't agree with you. I don't mind if you disagree with me, but please don't insult me."

Don't give in to her demands or respond to her attention-seeking behavior. Just ignore her emails. You can also block her email address. It's up to you.