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Fay74
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Default Jan 13, 2023 at 08:02 PM
  #1
Hello!
These days I experienced a situation which made me feel uncomfortable and got me a little bit disappointed and angry towards a very good friend of mine and I would like to share it with you and ask for opinions to see if I am right or wrong.
I have a very good friend of mine, I consider him as a family. He is nice and we have been friends a for about ten years. He is gay but he does not reveal it to anybody, he is cautious but he trusted me.
Personally, I believe that the personal life of each person is private and one can do whatever they want and make them happy, but, as I said it is private.
About 4 years ago, he made a relationship with a guy I did not like so much but I did not tell him anything at first because I did not want to spoil his happiness. However, sometimes I felt uncomfortable since he insisted on coming to my house with him to have a snack and see a movie and he kissed or did other similar love gestures in front of me. If there were other people with me I would not feel so bad but since that happened just in front of me I could not feel good but uncomfortable.. When I found the courage to tell him that I would not like to be the third part of a company and I could not see these, besides I do not have much in common with his boyfriend, he got mad and stopped talking to me for 2 years. During this period I had a serious illness and I was operated but even then he did not approach me to talk and be friends again. He returned when he broke up with him. I felt embarrassed but I did not say anything since I love him and have a good time with him although I became sad..
We were good again until last Christmas.. I went to my hometown to spend the vacation with my family and I invited him since he knows my family and some friends. We had plans to see some people, to go to the theatre, some restaurants etc.
The first two days were OK. Then, he started searching on a dating app for a guy... I saw him but I thought he was messaging some friends he already had, but he wanted to find someone. One evening he told me he would go out with a guy he met on the app, OK. The other night he told me he would go for sex to his house. I was a little bit shocked since this is private life and I was shocked that he went for sex with a stranger. He told me that the other day he would come home at about 8 in the morning and he asked me if I would wake up.. I said yes and the following day he texted me at 10 that he was coming home ...he did not put himself to trouble to text me earlier not to wake up so early.. I was shocked to see him with swollen lips and smelling wine.. I felt awkward..
The last night before returning back from holidays my family wanted to treat us a dinner at an Italian restaurant. I asked him if he was OK with this and he said yes. Before dinner he told me that he would sleep to his friend's house and at the restaurant, he was all the time on the app, did not participate much to the conversation with us and then he left leaving us alone... my family was disappointed..the following day I waited all morning without texting me what time he would come to open the door for him since I did not have a spare key to give him.
My problem.. I feel that he does not respect me or my family, that he used me to have a house to stay and do what he wanted...we had plans to go to the theatre, trips etc but he made a plan of his own but he had my house as a base to have his stuff... I cannot understand why he was so eager to find someone for sex in my hometown, miles away from the place he lives (travel by plane) and during the time he is an invite to my house and family...
having in mind what had happened the previous years I feel that he considers me as someone to fill his empty hours only, he is not a real friend... what do you think?
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Thanks for this!
Bill3, Skeezyks

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Smile Jan 14, 2023 at 03:14 PM
  #2
Hello Fay74: I noticed this is your first post here on MSF. Welcome to the forums. I hope you find them to be of benefit.

Regarding the situation you described, I think your assessment is on target. This person is not a friend. He's simply someone who uses you as a fill-in when he has nothing better to do and takes advantage of opportunities you present that make it possible for him to pursue his own agenda. If I were you I'd do whatever it takes to "show him the door", as the saying goes. Hopefully you are not so needy, in terms of friendships, that you allow someone to treat you this way and still allow them to keep coming back. At least that's my personal reaction to the situation. Best wishes...

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Thanks for this!
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Default Jan 15, 2023 at 02:40 AM
  #3
Hello, Skeezyks!
Thank you very much for your reply. I agree with you and, although it's hard, I think it's time to go...
All the best to you!
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Default Jan 15, 2023 at 04:30 AM
  #4
I agree with Skeezyks.
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Default Jan 15, 2023 at 07:13 AM
  #5
It's hard to say whether it is a true friendship or not from what you write here.

What strikes me is how uncomfortable you feel when that guy is affectionate with someone. It feels like he is not allowed to kiss or be with another guy. Would you feel the same if he were into girls instead and he were kissing girls in front of you? His private life is his own stuff but your reaction is also not that of a 'true' friend. A true friend would accept their friend's sexuality.

What I see your friend doing 'wrong' was being rude while at dinner with your folks. But that is all that I see here. Does that mean he is a bad friend? Not necessarily. He probably also picked up on how you disapprove his wanting to be with other guys and is doing his own thing because of this. He knows you are not supportive and rather judgmental. So, it goes both ways.
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Fay74
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Default Jan 15, 2023 at 08:57 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bill3 View Post
I agree with Skeezyks.
Thank you very much! I agree, too... it's hard but I have to think about putting an end to all this...
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Default Jan 15, 2023 at 09:04 AM
  #7
[QUOTE=Rive.;7296921]It's hard to say whether it is a true friendship or not from what you write here.

What strikes me is how uncomfortable you feel when that guy is affectionate with someone. It feels like he is not allowed to kiss or be with another guy. Would you feel the same if he were into girls instead and he were kissing girls in front of you? His private life is his own stuff but your reaction is also not that of a 'true' friend. A true friend would accept their friend's sexuality.

Hello!
I never had problem with his sexuality. But, I think that it is not nice for anybody, even if it was a man and a woman, to be just the three of us and see their affectionate moments...I feel awkward! Personally, I believe that these are private moments...OK, kissing somebody spontaneously is all right, but doing all these for about 1-2 hours while we are watching a movie, I think it is not nice.
Also, I do not mention only this to support my doubt about a true friendship or not. I said he stopped talking to me when I told him I couldn't be all the time with them and when I had cancer and a difficult situation he did not do anything but he approached me when the broke up.
Anyway, I thank you for your answer. I really appreciate to hear opinions on this.
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Default Jan 17, 2023 at 03:50 PM
  #8
One of my friend went through the same situations. Her male friend invites her to hang out with him and his girlfriend. While the three are together enjoying a night out on town ,he completely ignores her and does all those intimate things with his girlfriend. She actually felt like a third wheel a lot of times.She said it was awkward to watch them for hours doing stuff in front of her.She wished not tobe invited. Now she politely denies the invitation if he is with his girlfriend.
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Fay74
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Default Jan 18, 2023 at 02:35 PM
  #9
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul View Post
One of my friend went through the same situations. Her male friend invites her to hang out with him and his girlfriend. While the three are together enjoying a night out on town ,he completely ignores her and does all those intimate things with his girlfriend. She actually felt like a third wheel a lot of times.She said it was awkward to watch them for hours doing stuff in front of her.She wished not tobe invited. Now she politely denies the invitation if he is with his girlfriend.
I felt the same thing and I did the same, I denied politely being with them; I usually said that I was invited somewhere or I had a lot of work to do but my friend insisted on being together...
The problem is that my friend dies not want to talk about things that bother us..
He says he does not like talking about serious things, he is bored and things like that...
I feel that I do not want to be friends anymore, I do not feel warmth and love, on the other hand, I remember the good times together and with our common friends and I feel pain...
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