How to say "no" to a online friend?

07:40 AM

Referring to the friend who sends lots of emails

She emailed me last night, wanting my phone number

This phone cant do phone calls abroad, but even if it could, i have concerns about giving her my phone number

Reason is we are in different time zones, plus i work and i know what happens when she gets distressed (from when she was in uk) she will phone over and over again until i answer, even when i have told her im not available to answer the phone, thats why i dont want to be giving her this number

I think its likely she wouldnt even check what the time is here in the uk before phoning

I have already told her twice that this phone cannot do calls abroad

How do i explain without her going off at the deep end at me?

Discombobulated · Jan 14, 2023 at 08:41 AM

“I’m not comfortable giving my number to people I don’t know in real life” ?

lizardlady · Jan 14, 2023 at 09:22 AM

A variation on what Discombobulated said "I do not give out my phone number."

Willow, "no" is a complete sentence. If she keeps asking just say no.

divine1966 · Jan 14, 2023 at 09:45 AM

Do you know her in real life? Tell her you prefer emailing and leave it at that

Jan 14, 2023 at 09:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

Do you know her in real life? Tell her you prefer emailing and leave it at that

i only know her from online

divine1966 · Jan 14, 2023 at 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger

i only know her from online

I sure wouldn’t give people from online my number. What for? She doesn’t even live in the same country. She might not even be who she says she is. You don’t owe her anything. You don’t even appear to like her so what’s this friendship even about?

Jan 14, 2023 at 11:05 AM

we became online friends back in 2011, the friendship's kept going cause both of us have been traumatised in real life

back then, she didnt used to problem-dump on me all the time, it used to be a two-way online friendship, but its becomnig more and more one-sided (her looking for reassurance and help more and more)

Bill3 · Jan 14, 2023 at 04:49 PM

Quote:

How do i explain without her going off at the deep end at me?

You don't owe her an explanation.

You have decided not to give out your phone number. Period.

Repeat as often as necessary.

(Another option is just to ignore the question.)

12:05 AM

Ok i just dont fancy a crapload of suicide threats from her, shes done that one before, just cause i suggested she get professional help for her traumas

Trigger warning for rest of post

She hasnt done that since i told her i cannot deal with that, after what a ferretface ex did

I dont remember the details about his threats cause that was early 2012 about the time the brain black hole starts

I dont know if it makes me a bad friend, not being able to handle

Possible trigger:

the potential for "i going to suicide and it will be your fault" like ferretface ex did all the time

I have a fuzzy memory of ferretface ex saying if i didnt do what he wanted me to do, he would drive off a cliff

I think thats a unblocked 2012 memory but i cant be completely certain

Sorry trigger stuff not showing on phone, cant get them to work on this phone

Hope i not triggered anyone

Bill3 · Jan 14, 2023 at 08:44 PM

That would be "emotional blackmail", an act of aggression, trying to punish you emotionally for not giving in to her demands. Same as ferretface.

If she actually attempted suicide, it absolutely would not be your fault.

Hang in there! Do not give her your number. (Imagine what she will do once she has it!) Block her if she persists in sending you aggressive, upsetting messages.

Jan 15, 2023 at 02:14 AM

Was i in the wrong last time, for suggesting that she get real life help for the triggering stuff she was saying?

When she went off that time, a few years ago?

divine1966 · Jan 15, 2023 at 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger

Was i in the wrong last time, for suggesting that she get real life help for the triggering stuff she was saying?

When she went off that time, a few years ago?

It’s not wrong to suggest that people seek professional help for their issues

EagleTears · Jan 16, 2023 at 11:32 AM

I certainly wouldn't give your phone number out to this person. Just tell the person that you don't give phone numbers out to people from the internet, and that emails is preferred in terms of communication. If she is unable to deal with this response... Block her and cease all communication with her.

If she talks about suicide and start threatening.. I would report her to her ISP or email provider and then block her. Her ISP/Email provider they can track her IP address down, and send the police to her so she can get the proper mental health treatment that she needs.

From the tone of your messages.. she isn't much of a friend.

Jan 16, 2023 at 12:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by divine1966

It’s not wrong to suggest that people seek professional help for their issues

Ok thanks, just that i remember her going off at the deep end just cause i told her in 2013 i think this was, that i couldnt help her and to get professional help

She reckoned i was saying it cause i dont care, i said it cause i do care about her

In 2011 although she was anxious she wasnt like that, 2012 most of that year is blocked, 2013 she had problems with a abusive boyfriend

Bill3 · Jan 16, 2023 at 12:26 PM

Quote:

She reckoned i was saying it cause i dont care

She might say many things hurtful and untrue like this if you don't give her your number.

Still don't give it to her!

Jan 16, 2023 at 12:45 PM

My question is: why are you still in contact with her if she's so toxic and clearly has no issues with crossing appropriate boundaries with you? Why do you put up with this from a total stranger? Does she contribute anything positive to your life online?

Jan 16, 2023 at 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Motts

My question is: why are you still in contact with her if she's so toxic and clearly has no issues with crossing appropriate boundaries with you? Why do you put up with this from a total stranger? Does she contribute anything positive to your life online?

I think its cause i see some of myself in her, i treat others the way i would want to be treated, plus the length of time we've been online friends

We used to both help each other, she does sometimes talk about her helping me, but if i do start to discuss anything in recent years thats been going on with me, she will spend about 30 seconds talking about my stuff with me then start to ask for reassurances over her problems and be like "are you sure" "are you sure that your sure" i only answer her twice for each thing to reassure her cause otherwise she never stops with the are you sure that your sure thing

Jan 16, 2023 at 02:00 PM

Last memory i have of 2012 before it gets fuzzy is of leaving my boy cat Dylan in his new home

I still can remember the song that was playing on the advert on their telly

I still cannot listen to that song even now, sends me into suicide mode

What a wonderful world is the song

Back then, she was there for me

I know from what family did that my needs are never important to anyone, cause after ferretface did what he did, meaning i only had Dylan left, instead of thinking "she only has her cat left, we will let her keep her cat even though ideally we wouldnt have him" it was "we DONT WANT a cat here" overriding my "i NEED my cat cause i dont have anything else left"

Proof that my needs are less important than others wants

lizardlady · Jan 16, 2023 at 07:15 PM

Quote:

I think its cause i see some of myself in her, i treat others the way i would want to be treated, plus the length of time we've been online friends

Willow, I am going to flip what you said. Would you ever treat someone the way she is treating you? From what I know of you here at MSF you would not. She is being abusive and manipulative. Just because she helped you in the past does not mean you have to accept her current behavior. I agree with EagleTears. If she threatens suicide report her to her local first responders.

Jan 16, 2023 at 07:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by willowtigger

Last memory i have of 2012 before it gets fuzzy is of leaving my boy cat Dylan in his new home

I still can remember the song that was playing on the advert on their telly

I still cannot listen to that song even now, sends me into suicide mode

What a wonderful world is the song

Back then, she was there for me

I know from what family did that my needs are never important to anyone, cause after ferretface did what he did, meaning i only had Dylan left, instead of thinking "she only has her cat left, we will let her keep her cat even though ideally we wouldnt have him" it was "we DONT WANT a cat here" overriding my "i NEED my cat cause i dont have anything else left"

Proof that my needs are less important than others wants

this song

Possible trigger:

Louis Armstrong - What A Wonderful World (Lyrics) - YouTube

if the trigger button dot thing works

cause if i play it i'll massively trigger myself

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How to say "no" to a online friend?

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Discombobulated Grand Magnate Member Since Oct 2019 Location: UK Posts: 4,694 (SuperPoster!) 4 11.6k hugs given	Jan 14, 2023 at 08:41 AM #2 “I’m not comfortable giving my number to people I don’t know in real life” ?
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lizardlady Legendary Member Since Nov 2002 Location: Mid World Posts: 17,489 (SuperPoster!) 21 7,515 hugs given	Jan 14, 2023 at 09:22 AM #3 A variation on what Discombobulated said "I do not give out my phone number." Willow, "no" is a complete sentence. If she keeps asking just say no.
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divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,375 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Jan 14, 2023 at 09:45 AM #4 Do you know her in real life? Tell her you prefer emailing and leave it at that
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Anonymous32448 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 14, 2023 at 11:05 AM #7 we became online friends back in 2011, the friendship's kept going cause both of us have been traumatised in real life back then, she didnt used to problem-dump on me all the time, it used to be a two-way online friendship, but its becomnig more and more one-sided (her looking for reassurance and help more and more)
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Anonymous32448 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 15, 2023 at 02:14 AM #11 Was i in the wrong last time, for suggesting that she get real life help for the triggering stuff she was saying? When she went off that time, a few years ago?
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Anonymous43372 Guest Posts: n/a	Jan 16, 2023 at 12:45 PM #16 My question is: why are you still in contact with her if she's so toxic and clearly has no issues with crossing appropriate boundaries with you? Why do you put up with this from a total stranger? Does she contribute anything positive to your life online?
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