Certain friends are sucking me dry - are they toxic?

Ever since I spoke with one of my closest girlfriends this morning, I have felt completely drained of all energy - it's like she sucked the life force out of me. I have an interview to prep for tomorrow, and I haven't been able to truly devote my energy to prepping. I had called her so that I could receive some support, yet she turned the conversation around to be all about her life complaints for about 40 minutes. She didn't even pause so that I could respond. It was an endless spew of her issues. I didn't even get the support that I had initially called about. She does this once in a while. She also interrupts and talks over me constantly. Sometimes I can’t get a word in.

Another girlfriend continuously disappoints me because she has no follow through and is completely unreliable. She says let's do something today, then won't follow up. Or she'll tell me she'll call me that day and she won't. She has cancelled plans on me twice and I am basically fed up with the constant disappointment in her.

A third friend texts me nearly everyday about the abuse he is experiencing from his girlfriend. It’s all negative crap and it drains me.

I am going through a divorce and I just recently became unemployed - yet again.

I am facing my own issues, and these few friends are starting to drive me nuts and take my energy away.

I think I need to back off from them and take care of myself. I am fed up with each of them... and I know I need new friends, too. That's not happening right now while I am stressed and unemployed looking for work.

Are these three people toxic for me?????

Have Hope, it seems that you are dealing with psychic vampires (or energy vampires)... people who suck energy from us and drain us... you can look this up on the internet there are lots of articles on the net.

Here's a sample from YouTube: 6 Signs You're Dealing with Energy Vampires - YouTube

The dynamic you have with your 'friends' certainly sounds toxic. Being a good friend should be a two-way street and care should be reciprocated.

You said: "I think I need to back off from them and take care of myself." That is exactly what you should do.

So sorry you're going through so much and don't have friends you can rely on.

It might be too much to cut them out of your life right now considering all the changes that are happening, but you can put up some boundaries. Like cutting them off and saying "X, I was just on my way out, we'll have to talk another time." Prepare a few of these stock phrases ahead of time, so you have a game plan and strategy in place.

Peace and best wishes to you!

This is another video, the psychologist talking also mentions Judith Orloff who is also worth looking up:

Emotional Vampires: How To Deal With Emotionally Draining People: Julie Hanks LCSW on Studio 5 - YouTube

Have Hope, sadly they do appear to be toxic.

Given the other things you are experiencing at the moment, it's really another problem you could do without.

Can so relate to this but with my elderly mother. Every Friday afternoon, "friend" across road phones her for a chat. Then when I see mother on a Saturday, I get full rundown of conversation. It's usually one-sided as this person is obsessed with health issues. I've recently told mother that her mental strength is being sapped.

Sadly, there are people (like my mother) who do not have the ability to deal with this. Cutting short the call, for example by faking an urgent trip to toilet, viewed as lying. So, without taking action she's stuck in this cycle.

Perhaps putting some distance between you and these friends will stop them draining you

Thanks so much, @TheGal, and I think you are likely correct. I think these three in particular are zapping my energy and are psychic vampires.

I don't want to cut any friends out of my life since I have so few friends living local to me. But I do need to protect my energy levels since I am job searching and interviewing and I cannot afford to be zapped.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, and thanks for the links!

Thanks so much @poshgirl.

My story is similar to the story you describe. I am also thoroughly annoyed that I contacted my gf for support because I was having a meltdown, and she chose to use our time on the phone to describe in great detail and at length all of her own issues rather than helping me through mine!

Yes, all of those so called fake ‘friends’ are definitely 100% toxic & selfish. Have they always been like that? Be straightforward & tell each of them exactly how you feel.

Tell that one friend that you don’t have the time to listen to her issues ar the moment since you need to focus on prepping for your job interview.

Maybe you never set boundaries & suffer in silence m? If so, speak up. If that friend won’t shur uo, then interrupt her & then without hesitation say that you have to go & then hang up.

Next time text these people IF you decide to keep them around. Then you can ignore their texts for awhile.

I think you’ll be much better off alone than with people who make you feel alone. Robin Williams said something to that effect.

Make better new friends. Join meetup.com. It’s free. Volunteer or take some fun classes to meet people. Join Nextdoor & post something about wanting to meet new people. I did & I have met three women so far for walks & tea.

Please ditch these self absorbed users who treat yiu like a free therapist. I have ditched toxic friends who only talked about themselves ad nauseum.

IF you do keep these people around, then never rely on them for support. Just do activities with them like going to a movie to where you don’t need to listen to them talk that much, lol 😆

I’d talk to them all in person firsr though & calmly describe how their behavior makes you feel using I statements. Like I feel dismissised & unsupported when I specifically asked for support in helping me prep for my job interview & instead you just kept talking about your personal issues.

As for the flaky one, meet her in a group so if she doesn’t show uo, you still have other people to hang out with. Don’t rely on her period. Flakes rarely ever change. Become ‘busy’ & ignore all contact with them for now.

If they make excuses or get dismissive, then it’s because they are trying to gaslight you. Set boundaries & tell them thar if they value your friendship, that things need to stop being one sided all the time.

Stay strong. Look for support online. Forget those users. Even online friends are better than real life friends who use & abuse you.

You deserve better than that. Be rude if all else fails. I personally have hung up the phone on a former friend who would constantly interrupt & talk over me. Those people didn’t deserve ANY respect IMHO, lol 😆

I get it, when you call your friends you expect they will listen and support you through your rough times. Everyone needs friends who do that. Maybe the friends you have are going through some stuff and your call was the one thing in their day that helped them get through their stuff. It is a shame they couldn't do that in reverse for you.

I wouldn't label them toxic, just maybe not the right audience for all that you are going through.

Thank you for your input and advice.

The friend who didn't support me when I called? She has been more supportive in the past, but she interrupts and talks over me and it drives me insane. I've brought it to her attention before, and she still does it. I may mention this again to her to see if it makes a difference. This friend I don't want to lose per se because we talk all the time and she HAS been helpful and less self absorbed in the past.

The flaky friend? I mentioned the other day that she is MIA a LOT. She didn't reply to that and just said "let's get together" - then naturally, didn't follow up. I think I will just distance myself from her.

And the third friend going through an abusive situation? He texts me nearly every day now. I think he's a lot less harmless than the flaky friend who blows me off all the time. And lately, he's become more of a friend that he was before when I knew him. I've known him a few years - five to be exact. But I need to reserve my energy for interviews, so I will limit contact there.

And I don't feel I am in a position to make new friends. I am unemployed and am getting a divorce. I don't want to have to talk about myself or my life with new people right now. But once I'm employed again, I can branch out and try to make new friends.

Yes... maybe not the right audience. I know the flaky girl is going through a lot.. actually, all three of them are! So, there is that fact.

My friend in the abusive relationship keeps blowing up my phone, calling me and inundating me with texts about all the negativity in his relationship. I don’t know how to back up and gain distance. I respond every time. And sometimes answer his calls. It’s draining. Today I am exhausted by my own life’s problems plus his. This is harming me.

Stop responding. Or respond sometimes. Is he a long time like a childhood friend or someone you just met?

I've known him for five years or more than that. He's a good friend at this stage, but I must distance myself a bit more.

He texts me every single day with the latest toxicity from his partner. Today, it is he is so isolated. I told him I am overloaded by my own problems and cannot talk today. Even just hearing from him this morning set off my stress level to a new height.

And, I just told off the female friend who never follows through. I am done. I ended the friendship.