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tue66513
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Unhappy Jan 27, 2023 at 04:00 PM
  #1
I'm 32M that was dating 23F for the past 15 months, where we were living together for the past 7 months. I know there was quite an age gap but we met organically, just had fun dates for a little over 6 weeks and things just blossomed. Her moving in kind of just happened. She had plans to move states away for a job opportunity and moved in with me temporarily. However she got cold feet and decided to move in with me permanently.

Two months ago she got a bottle service job. TBH i wasn't the most happiest about it with the late night hours and clientele she was dealing with but I fully trusted her and was as supportive as possible with dropping her off so she didn't have to find parking also adjusting my sleep schedule to pick her up after her shifts so she didn't have to walk home late at night. To anyone not familiar with bottle service she basically was working at a nightclub basically as a host/server for clients that reserve tables for premium money.

So I was out of town a month ago and when I got back logged into my computer and my GF's email was logged in and I noticed she received a $2500 paypaI payment at 4:30AM for "furniture". After questioning her, she said this guy was a regular came into the club that night and had a $3k minimum for his table. Since it was so slow they only made him pay $500 for the 1 bottle he and his crew drank and allowed him to not have to pay the minimum to reserve the booth. As a result, my gf and 2 coworkers got cut early and were hanging out in their car smoking. Apparently this guy texted 1 of her coworkers and said wanna come hang with me and my buddies at my place I'll compensate you the rest of the $3k I didn't have to spend at the club. So according to my GF she said she went up and they all just hung out and talked watching tv (said he and his buddies were watching Australian Basketball game). As they were leaving he asked them who has paypaI and sent my gf the full $2500. She said she'd split with her 2 coworkers since she was the only 1 that had paypaI. She said he's a finance guy and also has a family furniture business hence the furniture payment.

Anyway I found this all totally sketch but gave my gf the benefit of the doubt since I've never had any trust issues before. She showed me all her contacts and instagram DMs showing she never has talked to this guy and claimed she got roped into this situation. I also talked to her coworkers while driving them home 1 night from their shift they told me nothing weird happened said the guy was a weirdo and they just all hung out. I even messaged the guy on IG asking why are you sending my GF money, he explained the situation to me too. My gf knew how upset I was all week about this situation, so she went home for the weekend to give me some space and texted me, "I'll leave work at work and not put myself into any situations that make you question my character going forward."

Anyway the following week she went on a girls trip to a beach resort that was planned months in advance for her best friends bday. I really wasn't happy finding out she did ecstasy in 1 of the nightclubs after being offered some from guys her friend apparently met at the club and invited them to hang at their table.

When she got back in town, that payment + the following weekend in Miami had me a worried mess, so I logged into her phone (I had to guess her recently changed passcode too) and saw this guy has been texting her stuff like - hey are things good with you and your guy? You up? Wanna hang? Send pics from vacation. Also texted come meetup name your price. Also said remember who took care of you last time?
She really didn't respond to most of those messages. But what really hurt he texted her 1 night to hang while I had her out on a date that week and she responded to that text - can't hanging with friends. I also noticed some guy texted her in at the beach resort and she responded hey papi, he followed up saying come home with me. My gf responded the following morning like hey sorry i went home. I just was really upset seeing her flirty text with this guy.

So anyway I woke her up saying you lied to me after saying you didn't know the guy and I see him texting you really creepy stuff. I said at first I was mad about what potentially transpired that night giving you the benefit of the doubt, but what's really bothersome now is you're still semi texting him. I said you knew how upset I was about this and you did nothing to stop it, you allow him to orbit and I have no idea if I can trust anything you said. I said idk if I can do this, you gotta pack your stuff.

So she started packing her stuff, she called her mom saying I kicked her out. Meanwhile I was just making boxes for her asking lmk if she needs help. She packed a carload and I asked to talk she said their is nothing to talk about you threw me out. Meanwhile she was supposed to come back the following day with a truck but with inclement weather we had to push it off a week til after the holidays.

So for the following week I reached out a couple times just saying stuff like hey I'm sorry with how things transpired, I care about you a lot you just broke my trust etc. Basically said in hindsight maybe I should've let her talk or explain herself again but I said I felt so betrayed I acted off emotion. I said how about when I get back you can come over and we can talk to hopefully see eye to eye on this major issue. She agreed to that request even saying I'll come pick you up at airport.

Anyway the week goes by and she cancels meeting up with me that weekend saying she hurt her foot and is hobbling (but I found out she worked that night) so i said ok lets meet the next day. Next day came around I got a text around dinnertime saying I'm staying 45 mins away tonight won't work. So I texted her saying hey I need you to remove the rest of your stuff i'll give you a week deadline if not i'll rent a storage locker and give you the info to get it.

So she came the next night. I asked if she wanted to talk she said she's not in the mood to talk and that I already made my decision by kicking her out. So I started talking just to smooth stuff over saying stuff like hey I care about you a lot but this whole situation is totally unacceptable. I said you know if you're having convos with ppl that would make me uncomfortable seeing, you have to realize that's not right. I said I'm hurt you lied to me and seemingly didn't care about my feelings at all. You basically are choosing this guy over me. I said even if he books a $3k table you split tips with 10 girls you're making like $75-100 off of him at the club, I said I think theirs more going on you aren't telling me...

I said with this bottle service job I always fully trusted you and never really got into your business. However it's clear you've never been fully transparent with me about anything with this job so this incident was a real eye opener. I said its too tough for me to decide if your texting/dm'ing guys to strictly book tables for work or if theirs any side business going on and quite frankly I shouldn't have to worry. I said I really don't think its my right/fair to constantly ask you questions or monitor interactions you have. I just said there is way too much grey area because you can always have the built in excuse I'm only talking to this person because I'm trying to get them to book a table.

So I asked 1 final question I said who is this guy really and why are you still texting him after you said you don't know him? She said 1 of her coworkers must've given him her number, and that he's a regular and they talk sometimes because he books tables. Other than that I don't owe you an explanation, remember we're broken up! TBH i was really hurt with how she handled the entire situation. There was a part of me that maybe thought she'd say hey look I really screwed up and explained herself but nope she took the opposite approach and was cold and was not willing to engage in any convo.

As a result I guess it kinda helped seeing her true character and I'm chalking her behavior up to knowing she was in the wrong. So she, a friend and myself headed up to my apt I had everything boxed up already to make the move out to make it as easy as possible. Anyway seems like she's seemingly moved on pretty easily, while I've been hurt and tried giving her every opportunity to explain herself and she just didn't care to talk. It's now been about 5 weeks without contact. It hurts knowing you can invest so much time and energy into a partner and they seemingly can just walk away like nothing mattered.

Last edited by FooZe; Jan 27, 2023 at 04:31 PM.. Reason: no text changes, just merged the threads
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Confused Jan 27, 2023 at 04:04 PM
  #2
I'm a 32M that was dating a 23F for the past 15 months (living together for 7). Long story short she had plans on moving to the West Coast last spring after her lease was up. She temporarily moved in with me, then it became permanent when she backed out. We've had talks where she flat out told me she debated braking up with me for this move but loves me too much and wants to make it work.

We also got in another heated argument this summer right before a family vacation I was bringing her with. Not to go too much into details but she accused me of some nasty things and I told her hey I think i'd be a good idea just let me go home this week. I'll give you time/space, we'll cool off and turn the page when I get back. She was pissed and said I embarrassed her to family friends not bringing her along. Honestly I didn't see it as a big deal (I paid for her flight) so I was out the money and I thought some space would do us good. She was upset and after we talked it over when I got back she again mentioned she debated breaking up with me, but we made up things were seemingly good.

Anyway just wanted to mention these prior 2 instances for context...

Fast forward semi recently her friends came into town for the weekend. They all went clubbing and got really drunk. I stayed up waiting for them had beds made, made them all late night snacks and we all stayed up talking. Around 430 am my gf says she's taking a shower and asks if I wanted to sit in the bathroom with her. So I sat on the toilet just listening to her drunk ramble in the shower about her absentee father growing up and some childhood trauma etc.

Granted it's like 430AM I'm tired after staying up waiting for them/taking care of them so I must've glanced at my phone just scrolled thru my texts legit not really even thinking. My gf poked her head out and said glad your phone is more important than my childhood stories and got pissed.

My GF gets out of the shower and said the following things to me:

- I used to tell my mom there are no good men in this world until I met you, that's clearly not true

- Moving in with me was the worst decision of her life

- I have 0 emotional intelligence, I'm a piece of **** ****ing loser

- I'm gonna continue wearing slutty outfits, you have no idea how many DMs I get

- Only thing I ever wanted was to get in her pants (which i said thats funny you said I played hard to get and you laughed you had to take initiative by finally bringing an overnight bag to my house 7 months after dating when we planned to go to brunch lol)

- Go on text all the other girls in your phone, Idc if you go out and F them

- It's emotionally tolling having a bf / being in a relationship

So I then asked her do you mean all this? She said yep! So I got my jacket and started walking around the city 430am-830 since she had all friends over, I didn't want to make a scene and I had no place to go. As I was walking I jotted down everything she said to me to confront her when I got back. When I got home I plopped into bed and she tried snuggling me I said I'm tired I just need to sleep babe.

Anyway I told my buddy about this incident the next day and he was genuinely concerned. He said she's emotionally manipulating me and to get out. I talked to my gf later that night she didn't show much concern was like I'm sorry I was drunk I was saying dumb stuff. I went to pull up my notes on my phone to address what she said and she kinda rolled her eyes like seriously you made a note of all this? It wasn't the most productive conversation. Is this something worth looking past like hey this is a 1x drunk thing or is really bad?

For context too I'm a homebody I literally play mens leagues sports with my buddies 2x a week, or am either downstairs at my condo gym, or hanging around my place learning coding or just watching tv. For her to stay stuff like go text other girls it's crazy I don't associate with the nightlife, I don't mess around or give her a reason to doubt me. Also I allegedly embarrassed my gf 1 time while I was out drinking (which i rarely do) so since then I made it a point to cut drinking. And like the other 2 most recently times I was tipsy drinking the past few months out in the city, I stopped and picked up my gf a cookie from our fav spot in the city and brought her back ice cream the other time and she laughed like it was the cutest thing. Basically I'm the opposite when I see my gf tipsy, I'm so happy to see her, so i find it hard to deal with her berating me while drunk and don't see it as a valid excuse...
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 04:37 PM
  #3
thanks for combining my posts...You'll see my 2nd post is some of our prior arguments leading up to the big issue we had that I mentioned in my 1st post

I made the 2nd post to show some issues we had leading up to this whole discovery of the money that I found she received months later

Last edited by CANDC; Jan 27, 2023 at 07:11 PM.. Reason: two short posts in same forum
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 04:57 PM
  #4
I dont think she is marriage material, if that is what you are really asking.
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 06:37 PM
  #5
Sounds that your life styles don’t match. She likes to drink and party and hang out with partying guys. Pretty much she wants to be free. Doesn’t sound like you want the same thing, seems like drinking is also a big part of your life but other than that it doesn’t sound like you are big on night life and parties. Why are you together is not very clear

I was not a big supporter of reading her emails and checking her phone. It’s uncalled for. Just end this charade already

Never mind. Sounds like it’s over. Good. Don’t date people who lead different life style from yours
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 06:52 PM
  #6
I'm sorry she hurt you. Breakups are really hard. It honestly sounds to me like you guys weren't right for each other and your values weren't aligned. Also she's young, and she seems immature, particularly her communication style. Truthfully though, you can't control people or manipulate them to stay with you or be who you want them to be.

I'll say it again, breakups are hard. You will get past this even though you are hurting now. Work on yourself, that's the only person you have control over. What makes you happy? What made you happy before you met her?
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 08:04 PM
  #7
Sounds like she wants to be a Sugar Baby... AND she doesn't treat you well... best to steer clear of her.
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Default Jan 27, 2023 at 11:59 PM
  #8
I stopped reading after you not only read her email but broke into her phone. It doesn't matter what she's doing, you obviously don't trust her, and she should not trust you because you cannot respect her privacy.

Let her go and you should also move on.

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Default Jan 28, 2023 at 10:14 AM
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Quote:
Anyway I told my buddy about this incident the next day and he was genuinely concerned. He said she's emotionally manipulating me and to get out. I talked to my gf later that night she didn't show much concern was like I'm sorry I was drunk I was saying dumb stuff. I went to pull up my notes on my phone to address what she said and she kinda rolled her eyes like seriously you made a note of all this? It wasn't the most productive conversation. Is this something worth looking past like hey this is a 1x drunk thing or is really bad?
I have a different take from that of your buddy. What I see is a woman who shared some of her deepest pain with a guy and when didn't seem to be listening she found out that he was on his phone. No wonder she lashed out.

I think it is quite often a good exercise to ask what another person likely felt about what I did, rather than explaining/justifying myself. I think this might be a good exercise to try when you are thinking about this relationship.
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Default Jan 28, 2023 at 10:08 PM
  #10
Sounds like she does more than wait on tables. Maybe she is part of an escort service? Maybe she sells drugs like extasey.
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