My BF is Addicted to buying Porn. Struggling! & He doesn't live with us....

Help! My boyfriend of 2 and half years have twin baby girls. He took a job for great money 4 hours away and only comes home 2 days a week. While he was away I discovered he has a severe addiction to buying porn. He has spent thousands. The crazy part is we do have an active and great sex life. The other part, and I'm not trying to be conceited but I am gorgeous, inside and out. I'm a solid soul and a really good person. No I'm not perfect and I've been insecure in this relationship and all of this explains why. Because I didn't feel seen and I knew there were secrets. His problem started way before we met. And I always felt like he was nervous and distracted in some way and has barely fully been present. If we didn't have babies I would have not tried as hard and stayed in this. I was slightly relieved when I found out because it explains all of his defensiveness, and him being closed off. Obviously he's in the shame cycle. He agreed to get help. He's admitted to his struggles and all and gets better and becomes more open and loving when he's home for a little bit. BUT, every time he goes back to his other job where he is overworked and doesn't make time to work on himself and talk to the counselor and listen to the audiobooks, he turns on me and becomes an asshole and goes back to buying porn. He doesn't know I can see his account which confirms it. But, I already intuitively know it because his energy and demeanor changes. He becomes a cold hearted, defensive jerk. So here I am, basically a single mom of twins that are 14 months old. I am struggling because he is still lying and being an asshole and there's nothing I can do.
I said I would support him getting help, finding a job back home and coming back here. He likes this new job and wanted me to move there but I don't feel safe going. And my intuition says no. I've had no commitment or consistency and I won't expose my baby girls to the instability. I did try and he was a really mean and nasty when I went there. Again, this addiction explains a lot. I have a home that's paid off and rent free also so why would I move and add on the stress having to pay 3,000 a month. I also work in the TV business and there are no studios within 100 miles of his new job. He only recently started helping me pay for more things. I set boundaries and he already broke them all. He wouldn't be such a jerk if he was coming home to his family at the end of the night. It's hard because I could use the help for the 2 days when he is off but at the same time, I can't continue a relationship with him while he becomes this cold hearted lying jerk still buying porn. I don't want him around the babies when he's unstable as well. But, I'm a single mom of twin babies and I have no help!! I only get help when I go to work which is every other weekend. I'm struggling so bad and am reaching out for any advice, encouragement or anything to help uplift me. I mean its only been 2 weeks since I found out so I'm still in shock at this point as well.. Me setting boundaries hasn't worked, he's just going to apologize and make promises again so he can come home for the 2 days. He has told me he would get a new job and move back but he hasn't been looking. I can't connect and us both be on this healing journey when he shuts down, overworks, ignores me and starts buying porn again. He doesn't know I can see his stuff also.. So of course he's telling me I'm crazy and he's getting help. But won't prove it via receipts and call logs. I feel so hurt especially because of these wonderful beautiful baby girls we have that he claims to love but it feels like he doesn't want to change even for them...

Are you sure it’s porn he’s paying for? There’s so much free porn out there, why would anyone spend thousands on buying any?

I'm very sorry for your situation. There's a big chance that this marriage won't survive. I believe you're doing your best to fight against that, but it's looking like a long shot to me.

In any case, one thing you need to do immediately is to start protecting yourself financially, as best you can. Regardless of what he's spending the money on, he's a threat to you financially. That's likely to get worse, before it gets better. You might as well be married to a compulsive gambler. Protect your equity in that house. Keep your earnings in an account of your own that he cannot access. I can't tell you specifics about how to best insulate yourself financially. It might be wise for you to sit down with a lawyer. Find out if he can take out a home equity loan without your signature. Try to learn what credit card debt he may have and whether you could become resonsible for it.

Addictive behavior is extremely hard to change. You really can't guilt someone into changing. In the end, he possibly may not even be capable of changing. No therapist talking to him for an hour a week is going to change him.

This is a heartbreaking situation because of the two children involved. If you have the means, you might consider getting therapy just for yourself.

Never let a person who has addiction issues have any power over you. Don’t give up your home that’s paid for.

This guy sounds like a liar and a freeloader. He doesn't follow through on promises, and he doesn't treat you with respect. Whatever you do, do NOT move for him and do not give up your home. You have a lot going for you and this guy will drag you down. Best to get rid of him and figure out other solutions for childcare. I wouldn't want to raise babies with this man. And he's only a boyfriend, not a husband.

It's the best decision to not uproot your life and that of your baby girls to be where he is AND for not exposing your girls to this unstable jerk. Keep this boundary. It seems that he is using you and freeloading.

And frankly, *he* is the one who has to show change (his behaviour, his location, his concrete actions), not you. In this, I would also set a firmer boundary: for him to *show* changes in his behaviour and not those empty promises otherwise, there will be a 'consequence'. It's easy to apologise promise to change and blah blah but where is the evidence?! So, unless he shows change, I would keep my distance from him.

You can't make him change if he doesn't want to - which he seems to indicate is his preference. So, what would *you* do to make your life better without an unsupportive partner? Take those steps. Reach out for community support or services, if need be.

Keeping this ongoing dynamic will only negatively impact your and your babies' mental and emotional well-being (and financial too!).

People who pay thousands for “porn”, are paying for private time/chats/rooms with someone, camera girls, or escort. No one pays thousands to just watch something that’s widely available for free. Maybe he just cheats virtually but maybe in person, especially if he spends all that money when he’s away from home.

I’d say it makes a big difference what people spend on because it’s not overspending issues. This is an issue of endangering one’s household, infidelity and child care. You don’t want to raise kids in such environment.

Don’t move. Be done with him

I know someone who’s husband had porn/sex addiction and he would travel and have call girls and escorts. He only wanted his wife to liquidate so he could get money out of her. Never give up your home or liquidate, you will just be used and discarded

Hi,

I'm going through a separation currently. I've hung on for years trying, hoping, praying for a change. Finally, my wife left me.

Me hanging on didn't keep her, or keep our marriage together.

Others here gave you advice. They also gave me advice that I was slow to receive.

You're in an enormous amount of pain right now. As your new reality settles in, you have to start taking steps to take action. This is hard.

A friend told me some things that made a difference to me:
- if this is a mental health issue, your spouse may have to crash before they commit to getting help
- if this is an addiction issue, the same applies.
- if you are hoping for reconciliation, no one reconciles by being paid off.
- every dollar that goes to your spouse is at the expense of your kids' futures.

Soon.... As soon as you are able, isolate your finances.

We love our spouses, but adults have the luxury of making decisions. Your kids need your protection.

There's something wrong with your spouse's attachment. He may have severe anxiety and insecure attachment. In the absence of You, he quickly finds a surrogate. He could also be so full of self loathing that he's convinced you don't want him, so he directs his attention somewhere else. But porn and prostitutes are a fake ego boost. When he's face to face with you, he's ashamed, defensive, and has an attitude towards you because you have real relationship expectations of him, not the fantasy he lives when he's away.

You're in pain and you're hurting. If you think you caused this, remember that we're all human, we all screw up, but what he's doing is THE issue. It's him and his actions that have to change. Protect your kids.

RDMercer

Quote:

Originally Posted by RDMercer ... There's something wrong with your spouse's attachment. He may have severe anxiety and insecure attachment. In the absence of You, he quickly finds a surrogate. He could also be so full of self loathing that he's convinced you don't want him, so he directs his attention somewhere else. But porn and prostitutes are a fake ego boost. When he's face to face with you, he's ashamed, defensive, and has an attitude towards you because you have real relationship expectations of him, not the fantasy he lives when he's away. ...

This is gold^^^^.

Whatever else you do, I strongly suggest you don't sell your house. That is your security for you and your daughters.

@LoveNLight

Are you ok?