I'm stressed enough and he's not helping

My husband and I are both having job trouble. I am on medical leave because I've lost my voice, and I work in a call center. Getting long term disability approved has been a nightmare. They keep asking for the same forms over and over and over and over, despite the fact that these forms have been submitted numerous times. My doctor referred me to speech therapy, but apparently it's going to take an act of Congress to get those people to return my calls and schedule an appointment. I had messaged my doctor to get the number to the speech therapist, since they hadn't contacted me after the referral was approved. That was Monday. Today is Friday. And my doctor's office never replied to the message. I had to call them, difficult as it is for me to speak, and get the number. Then I called the speech therapist for an appointment, and of course I had to leave a message. I wonder how long it's going to take to call me back.

(Before anybody asks, I don't qualify for SSI because of my husband's income. Furthermore, we just found out that if his income dropped and I did get SSI, we wouldn't be allowed to both own a car. We can only have one vehicle between us. So SSI is out of the question.)

Meanwhile, my husband hates his job and has been looking for another one. I can't blame him. His boss is an idiot. Besides, the job takes him away from home for days at a time, and I'm left here with no support to help me deal with my own problems. He calls me at least two or three times a day, but what does he do when he calls? Dumps all his job drama on me, that's what. As if I don't have enough job drama of my own, he expects me to carry all of his, too. I've asked him to stop dumping it on me because I can't handle it, but he refuses to do so. Every time he calls, it's nothing but his job, his job, his job, his job. Not even a "How are you doing?" addressed to me.

So today I jumped in and told him what's going on with me. I told him how stretched to the end I feel, going through all this, how it's frustrating to keep being asked for the same forms we've already submitted, and how nobody is returning my calls. Bear in mind, the longer it takes to get help for this problem, the longer I cannot work. I told him how crazy it's driving me, to constantly be shoved on the back burner in life.

His response: A pause, followed by, "So anyway....." and he goes right back to talking about his job. When I protested, "Well, I thought you were finished."

Hello? Feedback? Empathy? Kiss my behind? Anything? I was finally able to pry a "Yeah, that sucks" out of him, but I might as well have been pulling teeth.

They wonder why I "freak out," as some call it, and my thoughts turn to SH.

This is why. I feel like it's the only way I can get anybody to pay attention to my needs. I can't just politely ask for help, and reasonably expect to get it, like everybody else does. I have to be all the way at the end of my rope, about to lose it completely, before my needs matter.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Hi Arbie, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. My ex-husband was similar: he'd go on and on about his job, barely letting me get a word in, and when I would he'd LITERALLY, just walk away and address one of our kids like I wasn't even speaking! I also had to lose it before anyone realized I was at my breaking point, then got called crazy. You're dealing with a lot and I wish I had some advice for you. Hugs and good luck with it all.

I feel your pain, and also your husband's pain. In my own relationship, I've been a bit like your husband. I'm deeply unhappy about my job and because I work with my significant other, I talk about it a lot. And he just can't listen to my "complaints" any longer. It's slightly different from your situation in that because we work together, I feel somewhat legit in telling him things like I'm worried about how this one project is going or I'm angry at the team lead, etc. But bottom line is--he cannot listen to it anymore and I am trying really, really hard not to dump on him, as you put it.

Yesterday, after another pseudo-fight, I was thinking that maybe we need some prepared words, on either side, to sort of avoid entering the loops where I'm dumping my stress on him and he's freaking out. For example, he could have his words (like literally written on an index card): "I feel your pain and know you're really unhappy in your current job, but the only way through is forward at this point. I have a lot going on today myself that I'm worried about, so let's just both of us muddle through our respective responsibilities today and try to decompress this evening." And my words (not in response, just my general words when I need to say them) could be: "I don't expect you to help me and I know you can't help me, I just want to feel that you are aware of how difficult and how painful my work life is right now." And all I want to hear back when I say that is: "I'm aware and I support you."

Anyway, sounds like your husband absolutely needs to be able to talk to...someone. Could you enlist any of his friends/family to take your place? You could frame the request as a favor they would be doing you. The problem with therapists is that they're weekly...and when work misery passes some threshold, what we need is a daily ear. I've actually found this one friend who is an amazing listener (he wants to go into counseling, LOL) and I've recruited him as an alternative ear. Or you could encourage your husband to journal, but not everyone is into that... Again, I try to journal before I bring him any of my problems--it helps, but we still sometimes accidentally enter those loops...

Another of my approaches is also to accept that evenings suck. My job just destroys me everyday. So instead of watching tv together for a few hours--which is kind of bonding but also not very productive--I've started going to bed early and trying to make more of my mornings when I'm fresh. We get along more sweetly and happily at the start of the day, before our stress has built up and turned us into people we're not.

Really sorry about your difficulties with the paperwork, phone calls, and your health. I hope you're able to get all that sorted out and recover in peace.

I am so very sorry for the utterly demoralizing ordeal you are suffering. Just heartbreaking!

My hands hurt right now so I can't type for long. So sorry. I know it must be small comfort, but my heart goes out to you!