Being someone who is supposed to wait for others to initiate contact

It appears as if some people are destined to wait for others to reach out rather than putting themselves out there. We're always told to put ourselves out there to meet new people but it never worked out well anytime I did that. I was always met with people acting annoyed that I approached them even if they weren't in a conversation even though other people can do the exact same thing and they have no problems. I don't like annoying others or being seen as someone who can't take the hint so that's why I always wait for others to initiate contact and it has proven to be more beneficial.

Now I'm not saying you should stand in a corner and act all closed off but at the same time waiting for others to approach while giving off an open approachable vibe seems to be better than outright putting yourself out there. I know it's easy to tell when someone is forcing to put themselves out there and it shows and can even come off as cringy and I'm sure I came off that way myself. It does appear some people are naturally able to meet others without turning them off and others aren't able to do that and I think that's just how it is for certain people including me. Has anyone else have similar thoughts or experiences?

I think it is a skill some people are better at than others. I wouldn’t say it is being destined. It is a choice to keep back and let others approach. I think those who are good at it have a natural ability, but a skill is something that can be learned. I’m not sure how it is learned, though. Did we all learn it from watching others and then trying out our own style to see how well it bodes? There’s nothing wrong with being someone who waits for others to approach, but it does limit you to forming relationships with people of your choice. Instead, you are leaving it up to others to choose you.

Yeah that's me

Its me too.

I think your title reveals a lot about the environmental messages you received while you were growing up and developing.

Often children were raised to not speak up unless spoken to by both teachers and parents. Many develop their attachment styles based on how their parents treated them and each other.

Idk rdgrad, I wish I did. I think some people do just find social interaction easier, maybe it was modelled to them within their families more effectively.

I do believe progress can be made, like anything with practice, although there’ll likely be some discomfort along the way.

One thing that helped me was making inconsequential conversation with strangers (out and about, at bus stops, stores) and being a parent helped because kids are a good ice breaker when you’re out with them. I’m not saying having kids is the answer of course but rather that as life moves on we grow gradually without noticing.

I’m still not brilliant about initiating, it is such a risk to put oneself out there, but my skills have improved with time and practice.

I am thinking it could be introversion vs extroversion. Are you an introvert?

Yeah I agree, some people are more skilled than others. I’ve learned that I’m not, I do better waiting for others to come to me while still maintaining an open welcoming appearance.

Yeah I’ve been taught to never speak up even if I notice something wrong. Pointing out something that was wrong even in the nicest manner imaginable still backfired. Adults generally don’t like it when kids are right about something and this can even happen between two adults with a big age gap. I’ve let lots of things go just because I don’t want to start some heat.

Yeah it can be a bit easier making small talk in certain situations.

Yep I’m definitely an introvert and I’m sure it shows. I can always tell when other introverts are putting themselves out there more so than they normally would. If I can tell then I’m sure others can tell as well when I put myself out there. Extroverts tend to have an easier time putting themselves out there.

In a group setting,I have noticed sometimes,people ignore a person who seems tobe an extrovert,the body language welcoming a conversation. They seem tobe interested in that closed off person in a corner. May be the air of mystery around that closed off person makes them interesting, idk.But have seen that.There is no black and white situation when comes to communication.Different personalities and different tastes,I guess.

Yeah I’ve seen that too, sometimes extroverted people are less likely to be aware of when they aren’t wanted. Introverts seem to pick up on that much quicker, I know I pick up on social cues very quickly.

I agree...."Putting oneself out there" is always easier for extroverts, but like you said it can come across as cringy because I'm sure people can tell it's forced. Like you waiting for others to initiate contact has been better because I always have been the one to either initiate communication or keep it going. And it's getting exhausting and one-sided. It's always me to have to follow up on a call, text, or email. I know that's not exactly the same thing but now I wait for them to get back to ME. I sent a reply, so reply back to me. I'm not going to go after them anymore. If they want contact, they know where to find me.

Being that my efforts to find new people hasn't worked or else I ended up with sub-standard "friends" or acquaintances, of which I don't need more of THOSE. Like you I'm introverted and can tell when I'm not wanted. My BS meter usually works but last few years, it hasn't worked the way it usually does. That "little voice" or gut feeling didn't warn me of someone who's fake. But I found out anyway, the painful way.

Anyway I feel the same way you do and have similar experiences. I'd rather a new friendship unfold at its own pace and not be forced or rushed. You're right that some people seem to have easier than others. And also having gotten repeatedly ghosted the last couple of years especially, I'm quite wary of making the effort anymore.

I am not an introvert but I hate small talk. I do talk to people a lot but if i have nothing of substance to say, I’d rather be quiet and do my own thing.

Inhave similar issues. Almost no ome approaches me first for some reason. I have rbf, so maybe that’s part of the readon, idk. I’m quiet in groups too. The most self centred annoying loud extroverts tend to dominate the conversation in groups. I loathe groups, so I’m even more limited in how I can meet other people.

It was hard for me to ho to meetup groups by myself. I’m done with that though as I always get ignored in groups most of the time.

Don’t chase people or be to nice or to eager to be their friend. I’ve had nasty mean people accuse me of being to ‘needy’ just for asking for their number once and accused of trying to ‘force’ a friendship just by trying to talk to them.

I kind of hate most people now & I either barely make anymore effort in meeting people or I give up on them fast after they don’t bother to initiate or show interesr in me.

A few friends told me to trear friendshios like dating. Do they be to available & play it cool. I didn’t believe them at first, but now I do.

I'm not familiar with rbf but looked it up and it seems to mean, in this context, "resting b i t c h face"? Sorry, NOT calling you one, just writing what I found online.

I've met some nice people in groups before but they ghosted me eventually. They weren't what they seemed, I conclude. You're so right how loud people dominate everything because they are so loud. Or long winded types. My in person book club is like that. The loud people dominate the conversation the whole hour, some people I don't hear from at all. It's like one would have to stand on the table and yell "Will you all SHUT UP and give others a chance?"

You've made a good post. I too have been accused of being too needy simply by making a friendly gesture. Or they think it's not sincere. I'm ALWAYS sincere and say what I mean, mean what I say.

When I was a kid I used to get berated for being quiet, like there's something wrong with that. NOW I dare anyone to say that to me, as I'd say why are they so loud? Or why do they talk so much if they ask me why I never talk? Who says it's acceptable to be loud and not acceptable to be quiet?

The world is for the extroverted. And to add to my distress, I don't have a loud voice and wearing a mask in the past made it that much harder to be heard. So being heard just literally was hard enough.

Like you I'm not making much effort anymore. I don't mean I'm stopping completely but being more careful than I was, seeing what kind of vibe I get from the person. That inner voice has usually been right, so I'm now wary of anyone else TOO eager to be a friend. I did get this "red flag" feeling from someone who really laid it on thick, such as how glad she met me, how I'm so great, that she made a new friend, we can still talk/text if not going for a walk, etc. etc. etc. Recommending books to me, saying she liked the same TV shows I liked, etc.

I don't know....in hindsight I think I was a guinea pig of some kind. She's studying psychology so maybe it was to see if I took the bait. I did, unfortunately.

lol, I know that you’re not calling me the b word, lol. Anyways, it’s nice to know that I’m not the only person with this issue. Real friends & genuine people are extremely difficult to find these days.

There are a ton of self absorbed selfish users out there. A lot of women only seem to be there for theur femske friends when they’re single or for when their boyfriend’s & husbands are busy & not available for them, ugh!

I have nothing but bad luck with 99% of single women that I meet. I think they are all very jealous of me. Especially the ones who struggle to make ends meet.

That sucks that they can’t be happy for other people. Their whole world revolves around the boyfriend or whoever they’re dating at the moment. So lame!

They drop everything even for rude flaky guys. Pathetic!
I’ll never ever give women like that a chance again. I’m sure that one lady who pretended to want to see pics from a recent trip blocked me on insta. I can’t find her period.

She has a new boyfriend now. Weird! Why pretend to want to see my pics then block me? lol. I just don’t get a lot of people.

I think that a lot of people base their so called ‘friendship’ on what they can get out of you at the moment be it attention, validation, time, favors, money, status, rides, etc….

Next time I encounter a rude self absorbed perdon, I’ll fkat out yell them exactly why I don’t want to talk to them again!

I’ll say, I can’t be friends with people who only want to talk about themselves & not even bother to ask me one single question to their face, lol!

Eff being polite! lol! They don’t deserve my kindness or respect, lol! I’d lobe to have a friend like you btw. I’m an introvert too.

Agree with everything you wrote. In hindsight, I've had few true female friends and have always gotten along better with men. That being said though, I don't have any close male friends either except one, since men aren't known to be open with their feelings lol.

Back in 2006 I had a female friend I knew over 10 years suddenly ghost me. She wasn't exactly CLOSE close, but not just an acquaintance either. She stopped responding to my voicemail or email, but because I knew her so long I sent a snail mail. She finally responded saying we have nothing in common anymore and friendships end. There's no reason for it, she said. It just IS. Her life has changed a lot, she said. Well mine too, not that she had any interest anymore.

Certainly NOT doing that again with anybody, but if she had told me in that first place it would have saved us BOTH aggravation. I'd have closure and she'd have the peace of not hearing from me!

What really gets me is how people PRETEND they want to be your friend or they like you, when the opposite is true. And what you said about people basing a friendship on what they can "get" is called transactional friendship. Another member posted about it once. It's sort of like a business transaction, what they can get. Services rendered! How sick is that??I don't know what these people got from me but it certainly wasn't money or rides!

Nobody ever asks how I am either, it's just about them and talking about themselves. I had one "friend" who repeatedly told me about her time with her mom, whom she is close to, even though she knows mine is deceased and I had a strained relationship with her (if you can even CALL it a relationship). How insensitive. No empathy. If I had a friend with a deceased mom, I'd NEVER talk to her about what a good time I had with mine! I thought she was better than that, but boy was I wrong!

This technology makes it easier for people to ghost someone. I didn't grow up with this stuff about blocking or deleting or whatnot...Avoiding someone back in the day wasn't that simple! I know ghosting is seemingly acceptable in our culture, and it's especially done by young people. But ANY age can pull that crap.

Well you've got me on this site; I'm always willing to talk to a fellow feline.

Sorry to hear about your so called friends. I got along with most guys better too, but these days I avoid being friends eith any guy as most of thrm are obsessed with sex, ugh! I have had guys not take no for an snswer even when they knew I’m married. Yuck!

They were all ugly too, but still, that wouldn’t chsnge things. And most of them lacked empathy too most of time. Thry just didn’t want to hear me talk about issues they thought were ‘unimportant’. So I ended things with them for not respecting boundaries.

As for that friend who ghosted you, ar least she responded back to you. Most women won’t even bother giving other women an explanation. They lnow it’d hurt more to make the other person womder if they did or said something wrong.

It’s difficult to be friends with most women as some of them are so petty thst hurtung their pride or their ego in any way can cause them to end the friendship right away even of you’ve been friends for awhile. A lot of them can’t handle it when you’re better off than they are. A lot of them are jealous & insecure people.

I was just unfollowed & blocked by a selfish so called friend who pretended to want to hear about my recent trip to Spain then blocked me after I posted up pics.

Weirdo! I blocked her & deleted her instagram & number too. It’s very obvious thst she is jealous of me. Four other wimen who feigned interest ghosted me too on texts.

I don’t get most women. Why say I can’t wait yo see your pics then ghost? It’s ridiculous passive aggressive behavior. Can you explain that? I have a new thread about that btw. I’d love to hear your insight into things

As far as the transactional ‘friendships’, it is disgusting. It’s either that or they use you for attention as a free ‘therapist’ to dump all their problems on, someone to go out with when no guy is around, someone, to sell stuff to, etc. You were probably used as someone to hang out with or to talk to. They probably needed you for attention & validation. I know that I was.

Regarding the last friend, she didn’t realize how much she was hurting yiu with her comments it seems like. Did you ever tell her to not mention stuff that triggers you? Next time, it’d be a good idea to set boundaries.

It’s nice to meet another feline in the same boat btw.