Setting and Keeping Boundaries

I set some important boundaries and am getting lots of pushback. I thought this thread could be for anyone to express their feelings and get emotional support while setting and keeping boundaries.

Setting them is hard enough. Dealing with the fallout is harder. I feel resentment, anger, disappointment. I feel resolute and comfortable with my choices and plan to stick to them.

My therapist always warned me to expect pushback when you actually start setting and holding healthy boundaries. So very true. But eventually those people either give up and distance themselves (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing in some cases), or they start adjusting to the change and then the healing and healthy relationship can actually begin. It takes time though. I know my marriage was SO much healthier once we both kept AND respected each others’ healthy boundaries.

I just got major pushback when setting the boundaries with my husband. He cannot respect my boundaries, and never has. We hung out last weekend, but I had to tell him today that I do not want a relationship with him ever again and that too much damage had been done throughout our marriage. He couldn't respect my feelings and couldn't just accept it. He had to argue against my stance, trying to still convince me to change my mind or sway me in another direction. It was manipulative and I resent it.

My mother, before the dementia, was one of those that had a hard time dealing with me setting boundaries. She was used to walking over people and rarely getting pushback. When I started to do it, she didn't react well.

I remember when I was in my 20s, realizing that she would keep track of what I said and did to find a way to throw it back in my face at a future date. So, I decided to not give her ammunition. I kept conversations limited and superficial. She hated that. She would give me crap about being too quiet or not sharing my life with her.

I didn't really explain to her why I had changed my behavior. She never had self awareness, so she would have just denied her behavior. It would have devolved into one of those useless conversations, going around in circles, similar to any talk I tried to have about our relationship. Been there, done that.


It sounds like you know what you have to do, Tisha. It's a good sign that you're comfortable with your decisions.

It is all about self-protection. And yes, it is hard to set boundaries and say 'no'.

It is also important to be consistent and firm in these boundaries as giving another person mixed messages is confusing for all parties concerned.

There needs to be accountability as well - if I say 'no', then say 'yes' I can't put all the 'blame' onto the other person for breaking my boundaries. Why? Because I am giving them mixed messages and this is on me, not them.

I agree with you, Rive.

In my particular case, I am sure I gave mixed messages to my husband by hanging out with him recently and by having sexual relations with him. I did preface the day by telling him not to expect anything of us hanging out, and that it doesn't mean we are getting back together. He had also prefaced the occasion by telling me it can be "no strings attached", even if we have sex.

But ultimately, when I drew the line by telling him I cannot be in a relationship with him, he should have respected my stance. Instead, he argued his case, trying to convince me otherwise, being all consumed by his own feelings, rather than considering mine. I told him unequivocally that emotionally, I am not there, and that my feelings have changed for him. But, he kept going on and on and on, forcing me to repeat myself over and over again. That is not respecting a boundary, regardless.

I am so grateful for what I’ve learned about the dynamics of toxic relationships and all the psychology terminology. I can identify and name all the behaviors and it is empowering. I am keeping my wits about me, not becoming emotionally destabilized now thanks to this knowledge and also because so much prior exposure to it has made me wiser to know what to expect.

I especially love (not!) how I was made to be the scapegoat in my FOO. My sisters are going to have to deal with Mom each to their own in their issues with her and why they won’t meet her expectations. Nice try to put it all on me guys. There’s been a text chain between us. They both are trying to put the responsibility to answer to Mom’s entitlement on me. It isn’t even directly coming from Mom to me! It is via flying monkeys who are deflecting their responsibility. Let Mikey do it!

It’s really hard to recognize what is happening atm, but I see it clearly now. Mom would not directly ask for what she wanted. What she wanted was for one of us daughters (mostly me) to be her assistant indefinitely (completely unreasonable ask) or to pay for her to have assistants (also unreasonable). She is so good as passive aggressive manipulation that I got that message from the four other people around her involved in this issue. If they had chosen to do what she wanted, I think she would have been satisfied (was it just that I was the target?). But they didn’t want to, so they all came at me in subtle demanding, guilting, coercive ways. It was like I was to receive the message and just do what Mom wanted as though it was my own idea.

Well that didn’t happen and now Mom is going into a facility, as I said she should have all along. I was not asked to help not did they involve me in it at all.

So I did get to uphold my boundaries. They did come to a decision on their own by themselves. I had just heard someone say “Don’t do something for someone they can do for themselves.” I don’t care if my mother gives me the angry, cold shoulder from now on because she is resentful. I chose me! I feel good about what I chose to do to care for and help them. If they don’t want that help, they can do whatever they want. No matter how they treat me, I will still help how I said. That is what I decided. I can do this help, financially, I think and hope, no matter what happens in my marriage.

So boundary set, boundary kept. It wasn’t that much pain this time. It was just some upsetting phone calls and texts.

I learned a new skill in a book I’m reading on ACT which is part of CBT. I am just allowing those feelings and letting them go.

I saw this quote in an advice column today, made to someone who was trying to set boundaries with her father. It seemed relevant to this conversation:

"Your dad does not have to understand. You don’t have to change his mind. The thing about having a boundary is not that you push and push and explain and explain until people say, 'I totally understand and respect that!' You just do what works for you and don’t debate it. He can be as disappointed as he wants, but the boundary is still there."

i thought since i was "right" and righteous, my adversaries (ie mom) would eventually see the error of their ways. But they are entitled to their opinion, just as i am mine.

Just read tishas last post. Yeah my mom wanted me to really just play a role that kept me at arms length emotionally but satisfied "appearances". Like i was a marionette. I was finally done with it. Esp after she started telling her friends that i was "slow". I graduated in the top 1 pct of my high school class of 700 kids. Maybe a LITTLE Rainmanny, but not slow, and i worked for every grade point. I will admit i was stupid to ever care what she wanted.

I’ve held firm to my boundaries with my mother.

The latest is she walked out of the facility without them releasing her, and she told me it was all my fault. She wanted to go home. They would not release her because she cannot care for herself. They said she needed someone to give them assurance they would be responsible for her and provide her nursing care at home.

This is my boundary that I have already told my whole family I cannot and will not do. Many times over already.

Mom didn’t ask me, she told me at the last minute as a surprise, when she told me she was going home, to call the facility and give them this assurance. I refused. So did my sister. She didn’t ask other family.

So Dad picked her up and they just left the facility.

Mom called me from home and berated me for not having visited her, like other people had their family visit. It was “all my fault” she wasn’t allowed to leave, and she has “lousy daughters” because none of us went to visit her this whole time. This is true.

The good news for me here is I am not particularly upset, not at all emotionally dysregulated!

One sister has decided to go no contact with her. The other said she won’t call her anymore, but I know she will. She calls her daily and they bicker. I am maintaining low contact, and will continue to give help in the ways I agreed to no matter how they treat me.