Why do people get so uncomfortable when I obsess over them?

ruby2023 · Mar 08, 2023 at 04:26 AM

I never intended to come across that way. I only meant to be nice back to those who liked me and treated me nicely. I was ALOT nicer to certain people than to everyone else cuz those few people were my favorites. Shouldn’t they be flattered?

It’s cost me every job I ever had and my current one is in jeopardy

Molinit · Mar 08, 2023 at 12:19 PM

Many of us have gone over why when you used to post about it before. You need a therapist to assist you with this-it goes way beyond what anyone here can help with.

ruby2023 · Mar 08, 2023 at 01:34 PM

Making REAL effort not to come across that way. I don’t talk to her every chance as i get, but I been guilty of whining to her before. And it took until after she deleted me on social media before she finally explained what exactly was wrong. And now sometimes I slip up and sometimes I don’t. And I get bad results when I do only for her to come back around a few days later.

It’s been a roller coaster

divine1966 · Mar 08, 2023 at 02:04 PM

We discussed with you many times that it’s not flattering for people at all. Especially not on the job. It doesn’t matter why people don’t like it. They just don’t.

Talk to your therapist and case manager about it if you need more help understanding it

Nammu · Mar 08, 2023 at 02:15 PM

You keep on asking the same question hoping someone will give you the answer you want to hear. You need to accept that your behavior is out of line, and you need to change that behavior if you want a different outcome.

unaluna · Mar 08, 2023 at 02:20 PM

You cant be super nice to some people and then rude to other people. People wont trust you, and they wont like you.

04:11 PM

When your at work you do need to be nice to the customers and your colleagues - even when you don't like them

Mendingmysoul · Mar 08, 2023 at 04:25 PM

When people discuss about you,the inconsistency in your behaviour may be noticed. People will find it weird that you have different behaviours with different people.I mean I am not suggesting you be nice with toxic people.But if you pick some to treat well not others,that's noticeable.

Mar 08, 2023 at 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mendingmysoul

When people discuss about you,the inconsistency in your behaviour may be noticed. People will find it weird that you have different behaviours with different people.I mean I am not suggesting you be nice with toxic people.But if you pick some to treat well not others,that's noticeable.

Even with toxic people, its best to be civil

cause you never know if by being unkind to them, you might be painting a target on your back

ruby2023 · Mar 08, 2023 at 04:39 PM

Her only problem with me the past 6 months is that I’m always “whining and complaining” to her. It just took a few months to understand and that’s only when she finally told me in December. But it’s only now that it totally sinks in. I push back against things I don’t understand.

Rive. · Mar 09, 2023 at 08:45 AM

There is a difference between ''being nice'' and ''obsessing'' over someone. Obsession is scary and unhealthy.

These people might not like you back or not want your attention. They are 'uncomfortable' because they want you to leave them alone. You not respecting their boundaries is not 'flattering', it is scary and disrespectful.

The message is clear: you have lost jobs and the current one is at stake. So, stop doing what is costing you jobs and relationships. Seek help.

OafFish · Mar 09, 2023 at 10:04 AM

I think attention needs to be equal and fair. If two people feel the same about each other it's fair and generally healthy. If it's one sided or off balance, I think people sense that it's wrong and can be unwelcome

I think you can't make someone want something they just don't want, that includes attention

Mendingmysoul · Mar 09, 2023 at 02:47 PM

If she has a problem with your whining and complaining, you have your answer right there.Refect on your own behaviours and see if you are whining and complaining too much and driving people away who are nice to you.

Bill3 · Mar 13, 2023 at 05:22 PM

Quote:

I push back against things I don’t understand

I kindly suggest that you might want to rethink this. If someone is resisting you, they don't need to explain why. When you notice resistance, you should step back. It makes people uneasy and/or frightened when someone ignores social cues to step back.

*Beth* · Mar 13, 2023 at 05:51 PM

I don't know your history, so I'm kind-of guessing at it. I can give you an example from my own life. A while ago I had a friend who I really liked and respected. But she pushed for more of a friendship from me than I could give. Eventually, she wanted so much time and attention that it felt like I was being smothered. Like my time wasn't my own. I felt overwhelmed. My friend's behavior began to remind me of my mother when I was growing up. Manipulating and very needy.

By "obsessing" do you mean needy and smothering, maybe?

divine1966 · Mar 13, 2023 at 07:01 PM

I think in work environment we have to behave certain way no matter how and what we feel. It’s not easy but if we want to keep a job, we must suck it up and it’s better to keep interactions neutral

ArmorPlate108 · Mar 14, 2023 at 12:19 PM

I also am not familiar with your history, but this is what comes to my mind:

In some of the self-improvement I've been doing recently, they use the term "fawn." Perhaps this is what you are doing? You fawn over certain people in an attempt to build closer relationships? No, people don't like it, work or not, and for some of us, that can be hard to understand- especially if no one much fawns over us and we'd like a little of that from time to time.

One self help person I follow says that those of us who have trouble with relationships tend to do the four F's. Those are fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. None of them are good. We engage too quickly on an emotional level. Detaching and learning/ practicing good boundaries are good places to start.

Do you go to counseling or engage in self improvement practices otherwise?

SlumberKitty · Mar 14, 2023 at 02:06 PM

I think I would feel uncomfortable if someone were obsessing over me. I would step back and try to establish boundaries. It's great that you like people and that you want to show them attention, but especially in the workplaces, relationships need to be and stay pretty neutral.

One thing I would suggest is finding a place to volunteer. You can get involved with people there and show them how much you care.

Best of luck, Kit

Mendingmysoul · Mar 14, 2023 at 02:21 PM

Ruby 2023,people are subtly letting you know they are not comfortable with you by pushing you away.You should take the heed of it.If you stubbornly continue,try to push their boundaries more and more or go overboard with your clingy behaviours, they may report you to authorities for staking behaviours. You need to understand other people's boundaries regarding friendships.

seesaw · Mar 14, 2023 at 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Beth*

I don't know your history, so I'm kind-of guessing at it. I can give you an example from my own life. A while ago I had a friend who I really liked and respected. But she pushed for more of a friendship from me than I could give. Eventually, she wanted so much time and attention that it felt like I was being smothered. Like my time wasn't my own. I felt overwhelmed. My friend's behavior began to remind me of my mother when I was growing up. Manipulating and very needy.

By "obsessing" do you mean needy and smothering, maybe?

She means stalking, which she has had problems with before.

Similar Threads
Thread	Thread Starter	Forum	Replies	Last Post
Reasons for why people obsess about their T's	Dannii91	Psychotherapy	18	Sep 18, 2017 12:07 AM
Still don't know WHY I obsess about people	rainbow8	Psychotherapy	31	Sep 04, 2016 10:32 PM
Making other people uncomfortable	dysphoricspirit	Coping with Emotions	2	Apr 26, 2015 01:37 PM
Obsess with people that i hate	woofwoof	Other Mental Health Discussion	6	Jul 06, 2008 11:05 AM

Menu

My Support Forums - Mental Health Support Groups

Get emotional support and friendship from others like you!

Why do people get so uncomfortable when I obsess over them?

My Support Forums

ruby2023 Account Suspended Member Since Mar 2023 Location: hell Posts: 19 1	Mar 08, 2023 at 04:26 AM #1 I never intended to come across that way. I only meant to be nice back to those who liked me and treated me nicely. I was ALOT nicer to certain people than to everyone else cuz those few people were my favorites. Shouldn’t they be flattered? It’s cost me every job I ever had and my current one is in jeopardy

Molinit Grand Member Member Since Nov 2015 Location: Michigan Posts: 842 8 84 hugs given	Mar 08, 2023 at 12:19 PM #2 Many of us have gone over why when you used to post about it before. You need a therapist to assist you with this-it goes way beyond what anyone here can help with.

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,371 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Mar 08, 2023 at 02:04 PM #4 We discussed with you many times that it’s not flattering for people at all. Especially not on the job. It doesn’t matter why people don’t like it. They just don’t. Talk to your therapist and case manager about it if you need more help understanding it

unaluna Elder Harridan x-hankster Member Since Jun 2011 Location: Milan/Michigan Posts: 39,864 (SuperPoster!) 12 66.4k hugs given	Mar 08, 2023 at 02:20 PM #6 You cant be super nice to some people and then rude to other people. People wont trust you, and they wont like you.

Anonymous32448 Guest Posts: n/a	Mar 08, 2023 at 04:10 PM #7 When your at work you do need to be nice to the customers and your colleagues - even when you don't like them Last edited by Anonymous32448; Mar 08, 2023 at 04:11 PM.. Reason: why is there a stray m in my post cause i didnt put it there

Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 08, 2023 at 04:25 PM #8 When people discuss about you,the inconsistency in your behaviour may be noticed. People will find it weird that you have different behaviours with different people.I mean I am not suggesting you be nice with toxic people.But if you pick some to treat well not others,that's noticeable.

ruby2023 Account Suspended Member Since Mar 2023 Location: hell Posts: 19 1	Mar 08, 2023 at 04:39 PM #10 Her only problem with me the past 6 months is that I’m always “whining and complaining” to her. It just took a few months to understand and that’s only when she finally told me in December. But it’s only now that it totally sinks in. I push back against things I don’t understand.

OafFish Poohbah Member Since Jul 2022 Location: The Far West Posts: 1,205 1	Mar 09, 2023 at 10:04 AM #12 I think attention needs to be equal and fair. If two people feel the same about each other it's fair and generally healthy. If it's one sided or off balance, I think people sense that it's wrong and can be unwelcome I think you can't make someone want something they just don't want, that includes attention

Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 09, 2023 at 02:47 PM #13 If she has a problem with your whining and complaining, you have your answer right there.Refect on your own behaviours and see if you are whining and complaining too much and driving people away who are nice to you.

divine1966 Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Dec 2014 Location: US Posts: 22,371 (SuperPoster!) 9 1,277 hugs given	Mar 13, 2023 at 07:01 PM #16 I think in work environment we have to behave certain way no matter how and what we feel. It’s not easy but if we want to keep a job, we must suck it up and it’s better to keep interactions neutral