[Wheelies]

Hello

I’m after some advice for how to navigate child contact with my ex and also how to approach his drug use.

We have a 13yo together and have been split for over 10 years.

Since being split it’s been very difficult to get him to commit to days and times to collect her and see her. School holidays being especially difficult.
We had an arrangement for every other weekend which works fine for a while. When school holidays approach I ask if he’s seeing her during the weeks as well as the scheduled weekends. He often doesn’t reply to my messages then will tell her he will collect her the day before. Randomly on a Friday or a Thursday. Usually we have things planned so it’s not always possible to throw our plans out for him last minute. She gets upset as he tell her I’m not letting him see her. Which is true to an extent, but I offers the chance for him to give me dates when he’s free and he never did. As you can imagine, this causes a lot of unpleasantness within my household.

He will also randomly either tell her midweek he’s picking her up for dinner and she tells me as she’s going out the door. Or he will message saying he’s collecting her for dinner. Won’t says a time or where he’s picking up from. She regularly has after school clubs so it’s nice to know if he’s collecting from school or not as it causes worry for me if she’s not home at the expected time.

Also, he does recreational drugs. At festivals and clubs. I’ve heard from a friend he’s after some cocaine soon but not sure when. I’m worried he might be under the influence when he is looking after her or on a comedown and not able to care for her.

So I have 2 questions:

How do I get proper structure with child contact . I can’t afford court and solicitor fees unfortunately.

What do I do about this drug use?

Please all suggestions and advise welcome

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Wheelies

Hello

I’m after some advice for how to navigate child contact with my ex and also how to approach his drug use.

We have a 13yo together and have been split for over 10 years.

Since being split it’s been very difficult to get him to commit to days and times to collect her and see her. School holidays being especially difficult.
We had an arrangement for every other weekend which works fine for a while. When school holidays approach I ask if he’s seeing her during the weeks as well as the scheduled weekends. He often doesn’t reply to my messages then will tell her he will collect her the day before. Randomly on a Friday or a Thursday. Usually we have things planned so it’s not always possible to throw our plans out for him last minute. She gets upset as he tell her I’m not letting him see her. Which is true to an extent, but I offers the chance for him to give me dates when he’s free and he never did. As you can imagine, this causes a lot of unpleasantness within my household.

He will also randomly either tell her midweek he’s picking her up for dinner and she tells me as she’s going out the door. Or he will message saying he’s collecting her for dinner. Won’t says a time or where he’s picking up from. She regularly has after school clubs so it’s nice to know if he’s collecting from school or not as it causes worry for me if she’s not home at the expected time.

Also, he does recreational drugs. At festivals and clubs. I’ve heard from a friend he’s after some cocaine soon but not sure when. I’m worried he might be under the influence when he is looking after her or on a comedown and not able to care for her.

So I have 2 questions:

How do I get proper structure with child contact . I can’t afford court and solicitor fees unfortunately.

What do I do about this drug use?

Please all suggestions and advise welcome

so if Im reading your post right. you have had this same visitation plan in place for 10 years (you said you have been dealing with this for 10 years) that means the child is 10 years old or older.

if you did not go through any legal system the first time 10 years ago to set up this liberal visitaiton schedule of the non custodial parent can visit any time and take the child at any time. then all you can do is ask him for the kind of visitation schedule you want to set. but here in america with out the courts making the decisions both parents have equal rights to the child in divorces or split ups.

heres the situation... you are asking people with schizophrenia, bipolar, depression and many other mental disorders what to do with your child, your childs father and your visitaiton schedule.

you are the parent. we are not.
it is your child, your life and the visitation situaiton you and your ex thought 10 years ago was ok for your child. only you and your ex and a court can now tell you what to do.

my suggestion...

if you went through the courts 10 years ago then contact the court system now, they will be able to look up the files and advise you what to do.

if you went through department of children services 10 years ago then contact them. they can also look up the files and advise you on what you need to do to change your visitaiton schedule.

in legal issues before court systems and children services the child is given their own lawyers who speak on their behalf in the process. if your child had one contact them they can advise you on what to do.

one thing I can tell you is that the child being 10years old or older also now has a say in their custodial and visitation rights.....unless..... the courts and child protective services have decided that for the child.

so before just upending this 10 year liberal visitation schedule to a restricted visitation schedule you will need to have a conversation with your child to understand what their needs and wants are.

and if the situation is as dangerious as you say... a drug addicted person may be using again while taking the child erratically for visitation dinners, well if this was me I would be contacting children services.

[Open Eyes]

Do you live in the US?

If a parent is using drugs and alcohol they should not be allowed to take the child.

[divine1966]

You do need court order. Court order needs to specify which days and times her dad has visitations. Occasional unscheduled visit is fine but it can’t be consistently crazy like this.

You do need a lawyer to discuss that the father is possibly using drugs when taking a child for a visit. Drinkers and drug users still have rights to see their children but only when they are sober (drug tests are required), and supervised visits only. If you suspect he’s using drugs (doesn’t matter if it’s weed and it’s legal , it’s a drug) lawyer needs to get involved.

Could you qualify for legal aide or find someone pro bono? Without lawyer and judge you can’t do much here

[Molinit]

Court order or rules are unenforceable.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Molinit

Court order or rules are unenforceable.

What do you mean? I know people whose exes take weekly drug tests in order to see their child. Enforced by judge’s decision. If he doesn’t take a test or it comes back positive, he doesn’t see the kid. I also know people whose exes only have visits supervised by social worker. Same with visitation days. You can’t make your ex exercise visitations, but you have rights not to give the child to him if he shows up at random times and disrupts the household. He could only have visits when court specified. Your court order would likely allow more days than just every other weekend, there will be a weekday but a specific day. Yes it’s enforceable. Not always easy to enforce but that’s true with everything.

[Molinit]

I meant they need a court order or any rules made will not be able to be enforced.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Molinit

I meant they need a court order or any rules made will not be able to be enforced.

Oh I should’ve paid better attention. I thought you were saying none of it is enforceable even with a court order