Will they ever???

Mendingmysoul · Mar 12, 2023 at 10:09 PM

I read an article about parentification. It stated that the parentified child keeps the family from falling apart. I wonder if my parents and siblings will ever realize that. Will they ever???

mote.of.soul · Mar 13, 2023 at 07:25 PM

Aw, what a good soul you are. There is the chance that your parents and sibs do see you that way but aren't the kinds of people who can acknowledge it. I don't know. But at least you can look in the mirror and smile, your conscience in a good place. That's all I know.

Mendingmysoul · Mar 13, 2023 at 09:56 PM

Thank you mote.of.soul, for your kind words.Means a lot to me.

ArmorPlate108 · Mar 14, 2023 at 12:02 PM

I doubt it... Honestly, they can't see a parentified child, or a scapegoat, or any other oppressive role for what it is. The more I read, the more I get the sense that they know what they are doing, but don't really "get it." Kwim? Like someone might get that they are doing something passive aggressive, and they like it, but they won't label it something negative, and in their own heads, they rationalize it. Too often, it seems like we give these people credit for being smart or clever when they're really just slinging stuff everywhere to get something to stick in a way that makes them feel better.

At least we see it. That's all that matters, right?

Mendingmysoul · Mar 14, 2023 at 02:01 PM

Once someone said to me ,I heard you took care of your sisters like a mother would.My mom jumped right in.Oh,well she raised the youngest alright.But was not perfect with the other one(The golden child),she neglected the other sibling. I asked how did I neglect the other sibling,mom?Her reply was your care was not as good as the care you provided for the youngest.Now how old was I when I couldn't provide good enough care for the golden child??FIVE YEARS OLD.A five year old couldn't provide quality childcare for her sibling, an adult is whining about that. Wow.

Open Eyes · Mar 14, 2023 at 02:24 PM

A lot depends on the generation and customs the parents were raised in as well as what resources were available at the time too.

Mendingmysoul · Mar 14, 2023 at 02:40 PM

I know dysfunctions can be generational.But I can assure you,both of my parents were raised in loving families.They were not parentified like I was. Both sets of grand parents were helpful if needed.So resources were available for them. Specially my maternal grandmother doted on her kids.I have seen that until she passed away.I am not sure why my parent is like that.Grandios narc,maybe?I have had relationships with my grandparents..They are really good people. At least not abusers.I sometimes think,granny doted on my mom too much,treated her like a queen of the earth. She did everything for her,worshipped the ground my mom walked on ,so to speak.My mom wanted to continue her queen status,made me the slave once I came along.

Mendingmysoul · Mar 14, 2023 at 03:43 PM

Just to give a glimpse into the life my mom had,I will tell you what my extended family told me many times.My mom found a nice job after her highschool graduation in the next town one and half hours away.My granny thought 3 hours of travel in a day and 8 hours of work will tire her delicate daughter,so she made arrangements for my mom to live in the next town.Every day granny prepped fresh meals for mom and went to next town to drop them off.She didnot want my mom to grab fast food everyday. So granny travelled 3 hours every working day.She owned a small farm and an orchard.She was highly educated and gave home tuitions for some.She worked hard and did a lot of things,but doted on her kids too.

Open Eyes · Mar 14, 2023 at 04:40 PM

Spoiling a child like that can create a very entitled person expecting others to carry the load.

Mendingmysoul · Mar 14, 2023 at 05:18 PM

Yep,I call it a queen complex disorder and a king complex disorder. Lol
Both my parents are infants and made me their mommy,figuratively speaking. And then made me mommy to their children born after me.Essentially a parent to everyone.AKA parentification.

Mendingmysoul · Mar 14, 2023 at 05:42 PM

It is mingbending to see that they not only not realize it was wrong to impose adult responsibility on a child,but whining about decreased quality of childcare for one of the sibling,when the parentified child is only a five year old.

ArmorPlate108 · Mar 14, 2023 at 10:47 PM

Wow, you've sure dealt with a lot

The sense of entitlement she felt/feels is boggling.

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that.

Sometimes it's hard to fathom how they can possibly think like that. How they can be so self centered and unaware?

Here's a (hug) for you. Wish I could hop through the internet and give you a real one.

Mendingmysoul · Mar 15, 2023 at 02:39 PM

I am holding on to your virtual hug,dear ArmorPlate 108.Thanks a bunch.There is no normal childhood or teenage for me.That created a void in me and the pain never goes away.I try to keep myself busy but when the pain hits,it's like when it rains it pours. Thanks you for keeping in touch on this thread.

Open Eyes · Mar 16, 2023 at 11:32 AM

Unfortunately your grandparents unknowingly taught your mother to expect others to wait on her and inconvenience themselves for her needs.

I’m sorry because if a child is expected to do this same service it can lead to the child never really feeling appreciated

Mendingmysoul · Mar 16, 2023 at 03:55 PM

Yep,made sense.I was never enough,even though I was doing and performing like an adult wanting to please them and get validation.In their eyes the service I was providing never measured up against what my grand parents did. I never got validated and appreciated. Ironically they forgot I was just a child.

Open Eyes · Mar 16, 2023 at 04:00 PM

Yes I can see how you would feel like you were never enough. I’m sorry you experienced that.

Mendingmysoul · 04:46 PM

I told you my grandparents were good people. My maternal grandmother visited us whenever she could.Farming and fruit orchard maintenance is very time consuming. But she visited after harvesting and fruit picking season was over.She came with produce and I always waited for her.She liked me and I used to hang around with her,since no body cared to talk to me in general. We chatted,she told me stories. But her daughter came first.I remember once my mom was trying to hit me with a pan.I held her hand tight and wouldn't let her.My mom started yelling..let go off of my hand...let go of.....But I wouldn't because I know she would beat me black and blue.My granny comes in and says oh,my you will break my daughter's hand.You ,angry little brat.She started rebuking me,got angry at me and hurled hateful derogatories.I felt so lonely at that moment. Granny proceeded to coddle her daughter,cooing for her.And rest of her visit she gave me silent treatment. It felt horrible that granny sided with her daughter even if she knew I was abused.

Open Eyes · Mar 16, 2023 at 09:21 PM

Oh that’s awful! Sounds like the grandmother was not willing so see her daughter in any way but positive. That must have deeply hurt and confused you.

Mendingmysoul · Mar 16, 2023 at 10:29 PM

Yep,so deeply hurt.And granny said to my mom,oh,honey, let me take a look at your hand,does it hurt bad?What a bratty daughter you are dealing with?oh,lord.And my mom smirks at me with a predatory glare.I have had nightmares for decades of that smirk and predatory eyes.

Open Eyes · Mar 17, 2023 at 04:43 AM

That’s like a jealous child mentality, not a caring adult. No child is capable of understanding that behavior. Narcissistic individuals have a need to stand out and be the center of attention. They don’t love and nurture. Any of that behavior is just an act, not deep and genuine.

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Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 12, 2023 at 10:09 PM #1 I read an article about parentification. It stated that the parentified child keeps the family from falling apart. I wonder if my parents and siblings will ever realize that. Will they ever???
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Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 13, 2023 at 09:56 PM #3 Thank you mote.of.soul, for your kind words.Means a lot to me.
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,111 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Mar 14, 2023 at 02:24 PM #6 A lot depends on the generation and customs the parents were raised in as well as what resources were available at the time too.
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,111 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Mar 14, 2023 at 04:40 PM #9 Spoiling a child like that can create a very entitled person expecting others to carry the load.
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Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 14, 2023 at 05:18 PM #10 Yep,I call it a queen complex disorder and a king complex disorder. Lol Both my parents are infants and made me their mommy,figuratively speaking. And then made me mommy to their children born after me.Essentially a parent to everyone.AKA parentification.
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Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 14, 2023 at 05:42 PM #11 It is mingbending to see that they not only not realize it was wrong to impose adult responsibility on a child,but whining about decreased quality of childcare for one of the sibling,when the parentified child is only a five year old.
	Reply With Quote

ArmorPlate108 Member Member Since Mar 2022 Location: In the west Posts: 396 2 976 hugs given	Mar 14, 2023 at 10:47 PM #12 Wow, you've sure dealt with a lot The sense of entitlement she felt/feels is boggling. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that. Sometimes it's hard to fathom how they can possibly think like that. How they can be so self centered and unaware? Here's a (hug) for you. Wish I could hop through the internet and give you a real one.
	Reply With Quote

Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 15, 2023 at 02:39 PM #13 I am holding on to your virtual hug,dear ArmorPlate 108.Thanks a bunch.There is no normal childhood or teenage for me.That created a void in me and the pain never goes away.I try to keep myself busy but when the pain hits,it's like when it rains it pours. Thanks you for keeping in touch on this thread.
	Reply With Quote

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,111 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Mar 16, 2023 at 11:32 AM #14 Unfortunately your grandparents unknowingly taught your mother to expect others to wait on her and inconvenience themselves for her needs. I’m sorry because if a child is expected to do this same service it can lead to the child never really feeling appreciated
	Reply With Quote

Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 16, 2023 at 03:55 PM #15 Yep,made sense.I was never enough,even though I was doing and performing like an adult wanting to please them and get validation.In their eyes the service I was providing never measured up against what my grand parents did. I never got validated and appreciated. Ironically they forgot I was just a child.
	Reply With Quote

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,111 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Mar 16, 2023 at 04:00 PM #16 Yes I can see how you would feel like you were never enough. I’m sorry you experienced that.
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Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,111 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Mar 16, 2023 at 09:21 PM #18 Oh that’s awful! Sounds like the grandmother was not willing so see her daughter in any way but positive. That must have deeply hurt and confused you.
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Mendingmysoul Grand Member Member Since Aug 2019 Location: Here Posts: 907 4 807 hugs given	Mar 16, 2023 at 10:29 PM #19 Yep,so deeply hurt.And granny said to my mom,oh,honey, let me take a look at your hand,does it hurt bad?What a bratty daughter you are dealing with?oh,lord.And my mom smirks at me with a predatory glare.I have had nightmares for decades of that smirk and predatory eyes.
	Reply With Quote

Open Eyes Legendary Wise Elder Member Since Mar 2011 Location: Northeast USA Posts: 23,111 (SuperPoster!) 13 21.3k hugs given	Mar 17, 2023 at 04:43 AM #20 That’s like a jealous child mentality, not a caring adult. No child is capable of understanding that behavior. Narcissistic individuals have a need to stand out and be the center of attention. They don’t love and nurture. Any of that behavior is just an act, not deep and genuine.
	Reply With Quote