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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
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#1
Hi, I’m not sure this is the correct forum but I really wasn’t sure what the correct form is. I’m having a problem with my 76-year-old tenant/Neighbor/Friend. It goes pretty deep, she has lived in my rental property which is attached to my house, for 21 years. Over those 21 years we have become close, we’ve been friendly. She’s watched my children grow up. I always knew that the rental was a business for us a source of income and I would try to keep my distance but she essentially made it impossible. She was disowned by her own children and had no relationship with her grandchildren the entire time she was living with us. To this day I still don’t know what caused it. She’s been living there on an extremely fixed rate, approximately $400 less than the average going rate. The apartment is very old and dated, everything in it as from the 1960s or 70s. We recently discovered it needed a major fix that was going to cost a lot of money. While we were over there we noticed some safety concerns due to her age, and also the fact that she drinks every night while she’s on medication which we all know is a big no-no. My husband and I came to the conclusion we just can’t have her there anymore. I contacted my local office for the aging who assured me there was plenty of housing for people on a fixed income in our area. But they failed to mention was that the waiting list was 1 to 2 years long. We went over and we talk to her, and we were met with hostility and resentment. But she got legal aid. So we went to her lawyer and we had formal papers drawn up and served to her. These papers gave her a 90 day notice, but we verbally told her we did not want to take her to eviction court and we would give her more time as long as she could prove to us that she was actively looking and trying to secure an apartment.
She has been so upset, crying, hysterical. And I absolutely feel awful, I feel sick every day over it. I totally feel backed into a corner of either keeping her there and risking fire and severe financial hardship or getting rid of her. My husband absolutely wants her to go -he hasn’t wanted her there in a long time we’ve had a few issues over the years that have certainly been challenging. For example she’s never been clean and we had a very bad mouse problem a few years ago because of it. Regardless of how many times we would go in there and tell her she had to clean she would say she couldn’t due to her back, her knee, etc. she frequently ignores or doesn’t care the garbage and recycling rules. Many times she puts inappropriate things in the recycling, things trust me you don’t want to know what they were. When she can’t walk to the garbage she just throws it outside on the front walkway and it will sit there for hours until I get home to take care of it. I have specifically asked her not to because little animals get in it and then obviously flies and we get maggots. My husband and I are almost 50 years old. We’re tired too. I know that she will be better off physically in a senior living complex . No stairs, laundry on site etc. however, she’s going to pay considerably more. Going to have to change her lifestyle, she’s going to have to get used to having people above her and next to her -she’s pretty secluded and quiet now. I just don’t know how to handle this. I did consider her a friend. I think she viewed me as a stand in daughter for her absent ones. We’ve been more than kind to her for over 20 years and treated her very well. I will miss seeing her. But I know this is the right thing for us I would like to still have a relationship with her when this is all over but I don’t think that she’s going to go for it. I don’t know exactly what I’m asking for here, what advice anyone can give me. I guess I want some reassurance that I’m not the most awful person in the world and that I am going to go straight to hell. |
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ArmorPlate108, Discombobulated, Open Eyes, unaluna, waldeinsamkeit
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Member Since Nov 2015
Location: Michigan
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#2
Oh, the relationship is over. Proceed with the eviction, don’t offer more time. If she has Legal Aid, then they will assist her through the process.
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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
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#3
I understand how hard it’s for you. It’s stressful and you likely feel like a villain. What if you suggest you’ll help her to find a place. Find couple of options and if she refuses, then you’ll know you have to evict. Or maybe she’d be interested. She does have legal representation so she should get some good advice too. You aren’t obligated to house her or anyone else and as long as you help her with ideas and options, give her time to look and pack, and follow procedures, you are not in the wrong
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unaluna
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
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#4
Unfortunately, you are probably right. And while I can accept it, it’s still very hard. I truly want what’s best for her.
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
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#5
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ArmorPlate108
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Member Since Jul 2019
Location: Downtown Vibes, California
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#6
She sounds far from an ideal tenant, but she's probably terrified.
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ArmorPlate108
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Location: Northeast USA
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#7
It’s not easy to rent. People renting resent any increases in rent and always try to manipulate keeping their rent down. Also when they do leave they often leave a mess where everything needs to be updated and painted.
You really have to keep rentals a business relationship. You are learning one of those hard life lessons. My daughter has rented and learned her fair share of lessons. Renting isn’t for everyone. From what you describe this rental has too many hazards and needs updating which means spending money. You have a right to charge rent with currant rental rates especially with your rental being in such a desirable location. |
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ArmorPlate108
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Legendary Wise Elder
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Location: Northeast USA
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#8
As far as trying to help her find another rental? I think you will just run into her being unhappy with what ever you find and you will just be stressed.
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Molinit
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Location: US
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#9
Quote:
If she called your local state government, then maybe they can help her to find a place sooner. Her threats are pointless. She needs to put energy into finding low income housing. Sadly she might have to stay in a shelter until place opens up… in fact sometimes it would expedite finding a place. I wonder if it’s an option. |
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
1 |
#10
Correct. I’m not even sure how much of a good person she was in her life. For her daughters to disown her, I cannot imagine that. She has lost most of her friends. But I still don’t feel that she deserves to be homeless. Hoping we can figure something out. The fact that she’s 76 and disabled does not help the matter.
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*Beth*, ArmorPlate108
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
1 |
#11
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Open Eyes
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
1 |
#12
You are probably correct. I’m going to touch base with her a few days to see how she’s making out in her search.
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Open Eyes
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
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#13
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Open Eyes
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*Beth*
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#14
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You aren’t a coward. It’s stressful. Checking up on her is a good plan. No harm in that. Be safe though in case she gets out of control. Perhaps phone call is safer than knocking on the door |
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Member
Member Since Mar 2022
Location: In the west
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#15
This is a very difficult situation. I'm so sorry you find yourself having to deal with it. You obviously have a lot of compassion for her and it bothers you to cause her distress, but at the same time, you do need to have that option to do what's right for you.
ITA with Beth that she is probably terrified. Having gone through something similar at age 30 with a spouse to assist, it was overwhelming then, I can't imagine doing it at her age and alone. I'm not sure if anybody else mentioned this, but some states have a "council for the aging" or some other organization that's designed to help seniors. Maybe if she doesn't seem to be able to get a handle on the situation within a few months, your state has an organization like that you could contact on her behalf? Given what you've written here, I think I'd feel more comfortable involving a third party assistance rather than trying to help her directly. |
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*Beth*, Discombobulated, Open Eyes
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catches the flowers
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#16
Wow. 76 is old to have to go through such an enormous change. It really does seem that in a state as progressive as NY there must be agencies that can assist.
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
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#17
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ArmorPlate108
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
1 |
#18
Quote:
I could literally see myself being in her situation and I can’t imagine how I would get through it. This is causing me a tremendous amount of anxiety. I believe in karma and I believe I have ruined mine. I know she is overwhelmed. The lack of services in our area make it 10 times worse. There are a few agencies that can offer assistance but it appears that her income, although small, is still too great for most services. I just found out within the last 24 hours that she technically does not qualify for legal aid but I guess they are considering helping her anyway. She collects her own pension, her husbands pension, and Social Security. One would think in a state like New York there should be some thing. But we are in a small rural county in central New York. We are a very poor county. You have to drive 45 minutes to get to a Target. You need to drive 45 minutes to see any kind of specialist doctor. When I called the local office for the aging I inquired if there was any services that could help her pack and physically move her belongings. Their answer was no we have no services. “She needs to rely on The generosity of friends, family, and neighbors.” |
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*Beth*
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*Beth*
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Junior Member
Member Since Feb 2023
Location: NY
Posts: 17
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#19
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Member
Member Since Mar 2022
Location: In the west
Posts: 396
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#20
Oh gosh, downtroddenred, that isn't a good situation.
I don't think you've ruined your karma. The way she's acting, her karma won't be too good You obviously care a great deal. You have already done so much insofar as support and even research on her behalf. A bad person wouldn't have done any of what you have. You've gone above and beyond. The process server was probably just being agreeable to get on with his day. I don't know if you're asking for advice, but honestly, if it were me, I'd probably take a big step back, disconnect from her, and let her start figuring it out on her own. You are giving her a lot of time to move, and it sounds like you might offer a little more time if she seems like she's making headway. If she knows you're emotionally engaged, she might play on that. Maybe make yourself available for concerns as a landlord, but give her lots of space? Once she thinks you're disengaged emotionally, she may just give up and get on with it. Many hugs coming your way. |
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Molinit
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